Bert's Locked Out

Ernie (Jim Henson) and Bert (Frank Oz) skit

[Scene: The closed front door of Bert and Ernieís apartment, from the outside. Bert comes up to the door.]

Bert [singing La La La to himself]: La, la, la, la . . . lemon! La, la, la, la . . .

[Tries the door.]

Oh, the doorís locked.

[Knocks]

Hey, Ernie? Ernie, Iím home!

[No response.]

Thatís funny. I know Ernieís home. And he always answers the door when I knock.

[Worried]

Maybe ... maybe somethingís wrong. Maybe Ernieís sick ... or hurt!

[Loudly]

Hey, Ernie, donít worry! Iíll help you!

[The door opens a crack, and Ernie looks out.]

Ernie: Hi, Bert.

Bert: Hi, Ernie. Is everything okay?

Ernie: Oh, Iím fine, Bert. Would you mind waiting outside for just a minute? Thank you!

[Before Bert can answer, Ernie closes the door.]

Bert: Hmmm. Well, maybe Ernie just wants to be alone. Yeah, sometimes people want to be alone.

[He starts to get worried again.]

Maybe ... maybe Ernieís feeling sad.

[Tears come into Bertís eyes, and he starts to sniff.]

Maybe he doesnít want me to know about it!

[Loudly]

Hey, Ernie, donít feel sad! I understand!

[The door opens a crack, and Ernie looks out again.]

Ernie: Oh, I feel fine, Bert. Would you mind waiting outside for just one more minute? Thank you!

[As Bert starts to speak, the door closes again.]

Bert [puzzled]: He wasnít sad after all. I wonder why ...
Wait a minute! I left the apartment . . . spotless! Clean as a whistle!
Iíll bet Ernie threw toys all around! Boy, that makes me mad! Oh, Iím angry! Oh, yeah!
After all that work I went to to clean up the apartment, Ernie threw toys all around!

[Yelling furiously]

Ernie! Open up this door! Do you hear me! I am mad!

Ernie [opening the door]: Okay, Bert, you can come in now.

[The scene changes to the living room as they enter.]

Bert [indignantly]: All right, you bet I can come in! Now, you clean up this mess right away, because ...

[Pauses in surprise as he looks around the perfectly tidy room.]

Ernie: What mess, Bert?

Bert:You didnít mess this place up after all.

Ernie: No. Did you want me to mess the place up, Bert?

Bert [quickly]: No, no, I donít mean that. Itís just that ... well ... whyíd you have me wait outside all that time?

Ernie: Well, I just thought Iíd do something for my olí buddy Bert.

Bert: Do something for me? Like what?

[A whole group of Muppets, including Grover, come out from hiding in the room.
They have party hats, noisemakers, confetti, etc.]

Grover: Surprise! Surprise!

Ernie: Itís a surprise party, Bert!

Bert: Oh, that makes me so happy!

Grover: Surprise! Surprise!

Transcribed by Silvery Shoe