Gone With The Wind
a "Monsterpiece Theatre" production
starring Cookie Monster as Alistair Cookie (Frank Oz)
with Kermit the Frog as Green (Jim Henson)
and a lavender Muppet frog as Miss Scarlett
[The Monsterpiece Theater overture plays, and then we see Alistair Cookie seated in his armchair, wearing his lovely red smoking jacket.]
Alistair Cookie: Oh, good evening. Alistair Cookie here, again. Welcome to Monsterpiece Theater. Tonight, me very excited to bring you all-time favorite movie, “Gone With The Wind.” Me not seen it yet, but me hear it about ... the wind. And now, “Gone With The Wind.”
[We see a plantation-style house from the outside, with the wind blowing through the trees. Next, we move inside and see Green and Scarlett on a staircase, holding onto the banister railings for dear life as the wind blows through the house. The chandelier sways before them. Soon Muppet animals begin to fly by, pigs and sheep, mostly.]
Green: Uh, that wind seems to be getting mighty strong, Miss Scarlett!
Scarlett: Oh, Green, what’ll we do? What’ll we do? What’ll we do?
Green: Frankly, my dear, I haven’t got the froggiest ... errr ... foggiest.
Scarlett: But that means ... that means I’m going to have to figure something out.
Green: I reckon so, my dear.
Scarlett: Oh! This wind! It’s too loud for me to even think! I know! I’ll think about it tomorrow.
Green: I was afraid she was going to say that.
[A railing breaks off.]
Green: Uhhh ... uhhh ... something tells me tomorrow might be too late!
Scarlett: Wait, there is something we can do!
Green: What’s that?
Scarlett: We can subtract!
Green: We can subtract?
Scarlett: Yes, subtract, like this. There’s two of us, right?
Scarlett: Two of us, take away one of us ...
[Green’s railing breaks, and he flies offscreen, yelling, “Aiiiiii!”]
Scarlett: ... leaves one of us.
[The chandelier swings in front of them again, this time holding a pig.]
Scarlett: One of us, take away one of us ...
[Her railing now breaks, sending her flying off.]
Scarlett: ... leaves zeroooooooo!
[The chandelier with the pig sways by again as the scene changes back to Alistair Cookie. The drapes in the window behind him are being blown inward, and various animals fly past.]
Alistair Cookie: And so end all-time favorite film, “Gone With The Wind.”
[A lamb lands in his lap and he pulls him close, saying, “Awwww!” as he pats him.]
Lovingly transcribed by the archive's webmistress Tiny Dancer and SilveryShoe@aol.com