Piper's Pickled Peppers

with Kermit the Frog (Jim Henson) and assorted Pipers

voiceover: We now return to Kermit the Frog with this late breaking news story!

Kermit (talking to off-stage person): That's the sound of the letter P. See the sign right there? See those big P's there. Piper's Pickled Peppers. No, that's Piper's Pickled Peppers. What's that, Charlie? Wipe off the microphone?

(he rubs his mike on his trench coat and looks into the camera)

Oh, oh, hi ho, there! This is Kermit the Frog and I'm speaking to you from the pickled pepper patch of Peter Piper, who's famous for picking a peck of pickled peppers. As a matter of fact, here comes Peter Piper now. Excuse me, pardon me, sir, but are you indeed Peter Piper?

(Dumping bushel, here on known as a peck, of peppers at Kermit's flippers)

Porter: Nope. Nope, I'm his brother, Porter Piper.

Kermit: Ah, ah, Porter Piper, ah, ah, I see, but you have also picked a peck of pickled peppers?

Porter: Well all we Pipers pick pickled peppers. We're pepper pickers.

Kermit: I see. Uh huh.

Porter: Pete gets the publicity.

Kermit: Oh.

Porter: Excuse me, I gotta go pick a peck.

Kermit: Oh, okay, alright.

Porter: Pardon.

Kermit: Yeah, okay, so ah, so that was Porter Piper. But ... ah ... oh, oh, Peter Piper I presume?

(Dumps peck of peppers)

Potter: Sorry, pal, I'm Potter Piper, his other brother.

Kermit: Oh, I see. Porter Piper, and Potter Piper, but no Peter Piper. Let's see, um ... what do you call this place we're standing on, sir?

Potter: Oh, it's where we put the pickled peppers after picking. Yeah, it's our pickled pepper pile. Excuse me, I gotta go pick a peck.

Kermit: A pickled pepper pile? I see. Oh ah ah ... pardon me, sir or madam I suppose. I guess you're not Peter Piper?

(Dumps a peck of peppers)

Piper: Oh, positively, I'm his sister, Piper Piper.

Kermit: Piper Piper?

Piper: Is there an echo here?

Kermit: Ah, but, ah, listen, after you pick these pickled peppers, what do you do with them?

Piper: Oh we pack them.

Kermit: I see. So, sometimes you're picking pickled peppers and sometimes you're packing peppers. What do you pack them in, Piper?

Piper: Paper.

Kermit: I should have guessed. Ah well, let's see ... ah ... oh pardon me, sir, you, YOU must be Peter Piper?

(Dumps a peck of peppers)

Poppa: Nope. Nope, I'm his father, Poppa Piper.

Kermit: Poppa Piper? Well, you certainly have quite a family here.

Poppa: Oh yep, yep, yep. There's Peter Piper, and Porter Piper, and Potter Piper, and Piper Piper.

Kermit: And who's this right here?

(Dog has entered with pepper in his mouth which he deposits at Kermit's flippers)

Poppa: That's our dog, Pepper Popper. Ah ... Pepper Piper, right.

Kermit: Pepper Piper, I thought that's what you meant. And who's this thing here?

Poppa: That's our pig, Porker Piper. Yep, and we got a parrot.

Kermit: A parrot?

Poppa: Yep, a parrot, called Polly Piper.

Kermit: Polly Piper, I should have known uh huh.

Poppa: She pecks pickled peppers.

Kermit: She pecks them, oh ho! Very good, uh huh, uh huh.

Poppa: Well, gotta go pick a peck.

Kermit: (indignant) Right! This is ridiculous!

(More peppers are piled on poor Kermit)

Now wait a second, pardon me, are YOU Peter Piper or what? No, no, don't tell me you're his nephew?

Parker: No, I'm his cousin, Parker Piper.

Kermit: Now wait a minute! I came here to meet Peter Piper! I've met Porter Piper, Potter Piper, Piper Piper, Poppa Piper, Pepper Piper, Porker Piper and Parker Pepper all picking peppers, now WHERE IS PETER PIPER???!!!!!

Parker: Oh he's in Portland, pressing pants.

(Dumps peck on Kermit)

Kermit: Oh, phooey. Well, from the pickled pepper pile at Piper's Pickled Pepper Patch, this is Kermit the Frog returning you to the program in progress. Anybody got a letter Q?

(Ends with Kermit covered in peppers with empty basket on his head)

Painstakingly pecked out by the archive Webmistress Tiny Dancer