Voice: Enterprise, on behalf of Supreme Commander Diana, I take command of your universe and all its tribbles! Oh, and she's made a special request for Riker! It will be well worth his time!
Worf: I recommend we attack, sir.
Riker: Are you kidding? Let me beam over!
Data: Why, sir?
Troi: Well, Data, come over to
my room after the show, and I'll show you...
[Later, in Riker's quarters as he packs. . .]
Data: Sir, is it necessary for diplomatic purposes to bring leopard-print underwear?
Riker: Data, I think it's time someone taught you about something. How was I created, Data?
Data: Your parents bought the kit
from Sears, of course.
[Slightly later. . .]
[<SLAP> Riker's jaw goes flying across the room, dragging him with it. Data storms out.]
Riker: If you don't believe me, ask Tasha!
Data: Tasha's dead sir.
Riker: Slight technicality. Now, if you'll excuse me, I hear the Supreme Commander knows a few tricks even I don't know yet! And actually, Data, death doesn't necessarily pose that much of a problem.
[Riker marches out with a stack of Venusian
[Later, at the ship's morgue, just as Data is about to request "Mary Jane's Last Dance" as mood music, Dr. Crusher walks in with her husband's corpse. . .]
See you next week!
[Meanwhile, in the ship's ready room. . .]
Picard: Have you actually seen this Diana?
Riker: Well, no, but I hear that...
Picard: How do you know that she's not 600 pounds and green? You do remember that incident on Alpha Century?
Worf: Sir, we're being hailed by the Sirians.
Riker: On screen!
[They see a lab, and a frightened looking officer informs them that they will be sending a shuttle for them. In the background, a woman far more stunning than Riker's wildest dreams is kicking the crap out of a prisoner.]
Diana: You idiot! Turn off the video channel you. . . [screen goes blank] That's better. Enterprise, we are awaiting your away team. Please beam over with 17 robust young men, massage oil in 2-4's, and a direct data link to your main computer -- we need new readers for our pre-school kids.
Troi: Sir, I recommend against this. I'm getting feelings of animosity!
Riker: Deanna, you're just jealous of Diana. . . er, Deanna's just, er. . . Diana's. . . er. . . It's all in the name of diplomacy, Captain. Besides, there's a new technique I learned on my last session with the Holodeck that I want to try out.
Picard: Riker, you seem so sure of yourself. Need I remind you again of Alpha Century?
Riker: There's an 85% chance that that gorgeous young woman was Diana.
Data: 84.9632136, to be more precise, sir.
Picard: Data, what info do you have on the Supreme Commander and her crew?
Data: Diana: descendant of Sirian government official and his wife who was seemingly an assassin. Age: 23 years (their years consist of 360 earth days) Military history: Non-sufficient data. Eyes: blue. Hair: brown. Height 5'11" Pastime...
Picard: That will be sufficient, Data.
Riker: No, it won't! I want dimensions! Descriptions! Photographs! Does she sleep in the nude?
Troi: It would be quite unfortunate if she did -- you wouldn't get to use your spare Ninja Turtle jammies.
Worf: What if you lose your teddy
bear on an alien ship?
[Later, on the way towards shuttle bay 12. . .]
Riker: So, as I was saying [moves towards door], all my efforts will be in an attempt to smooth the way for more friendly and satisfying relationships, on a purely diplomatic level of course.
[Deanna glares at him as they enter shuttle bay 12. At that moment a large white shuttle craft enters and comes to rest silently in the docking bay. A door lifts and four armed shock-troopers in red uniforms emerge, two standing at either side followed by a man and a woman, also in red uniforms.]
Picard: Welcome. I am Captain Picard of the Enterprise. These are my senior officers, Worf, Troi, Riker, and Wesley.
[An amused smile crosses Diana's lips.]
Diana: Ah, Captain. I am Diana, Supreme Commander of the Visitor fleet. This is my chief of security, Stephen.
[Captain Picard urges Will to wipe the drool off his shoes. As the group leave the landing bay, the four armed visitors get dirty looks from Worf who draws his phaser.]
Diana: [laughing] Captain, you can inform your men that their weapons are useless against mine, Our technology is far superior to yours.
[Worf growls, and so does Riker. The group leaves and walks into the hallway. Four red shirts are standing around, minding their own business.]
Red Shirt 1: So, did you hear the one about the lizard who --
[Stephen and the shock-troopers open fire, vaporizing the Red Shirt, the blast-proof wall, 7 crew quarters, 2 storage rooms, the food replicators for decks 7-14, and Holodeck 3. Other Red Shirts faint. Shock troopers continue to walk, Stephen and Diana smile.]
Picard: Counsellor Troi will show you to your rooms.
Riker and Troi: But Captain!?!
[Diana and Deanna walk silently down the hall towards Diana's guest quarters.]
Troi: [telepathically] Damn conceited arrogant bitch, thinks she can steal my man and use him to learn our secrets...
Diana: [also telepathically] You Betazoids are so narrow-minded. You can never look past your emotions to see the bigger picture.
Troi: You telepathize as well!
Diana: Of course, we usually use it for mind control like this!
[Deanna looks startled as she starts stripping that ridiculously tight uniform off, grabs Stephen, and disappears down a side corridor.]
Diana: Now where's this Riker person...
[At that moment, just three decks away in Riker's quarters. . .]
Riker: . . . then, Data, you shift your lower torso 2/3 of a rotation around her waist, at the same time biting her --
Data: My calculations indicate an 87.3% chance of causing injury in my partner if I insist on actions contrary to the physical structure of the humanoid body.
Riker: Data, you're supposed to be stretching to the limits! Look, I'll show you again. Computer, run simulation Riker-Delta-Four hundred seventy-three, version 2 C.
[Sexy music starts up, and scantily clad women show up on Riker's personal home Holodeck and massage system. Suddenly, the door swishes open and in walks Diana.]
Diana: Gentlemen, [turns to Riker] I was wondering if I might speak to you; alone?
[Data turns to leave, and Riker flashes his winning smile as Diana walks slowly around the room looking out various windows.]
Riker: I hope you're enjoying you stay on our ship. You know if you need anything I'm at your complete disposal.
[Diana looks at Riker as if she finds him more than a little attractive.]
Diana: Perhaps presently. . . Do you find me attractive, Commander?
Riker: Does an Altrenian bull moose blow spittle at friggle rabbits under the full moon?
Diana: Only when he's being watched.
Riker: Well, I'm filming this to show to my fan club.
Diana: All the better.
[Now proceeds a good half hour of violent,
passionate boingy-boingy, which eventually involves the breaking of three
wine glasses and one water bed mattress, the complete shredding of 4 sets
of bed sheets (and one placemat), the consumption of 52 pina coladas (not
necessarily through the mouth), the draining of one phaser, the rupturing
of three air locks, and, due to a freak coincidence, the creation of life
on the remote planet of Gandalabrar, somewhere off in the Gamma quadrant.
Unfortunately, this all had to be cut in order to keep the show's ratings.]
[Later. . .]
Riker: Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Riker: That was better than the two Klingon females I had on my last shore leave!
Diana: Klingon? Now there's an idea. . . [rising from the bed] Where is that Mr. Worf. He's not very attractive, but he won't be the ugliest thing I ever slept with, and it surely would be the most exciting experience of his life. . . Nah, poor guy probably wouldn't make it.
Riker: [naked, and on hands and knees begging] Pleeeeeze!! Let me try again, I'll do better next time, I swear to god, I'll do better!
Diana: Look at you! Pathetic feeble human! On your knees begging. You have no class, no ambition. GET UP!
[Meanwhile, Stephen is in the corner re-watching the slow-motion highlights on the video screen.]
Diana: Computer! Give me the name and room number of any male on this ship, chosen at random, preferably under 50 and over. . . 12.
Computer: Room 437-B, Corridor 2. Wesley Crusher.
Diana: Cute name. Well, I'm off.
[Diana leaves, dragging Stephen with her.
Riker is depressed for a while, but puts on his tapes and feels better.]
[The next day on the bridge. . .]
Picard: Wesley, scan their ship for signs of armament.
[Nothing happens. . .]
Wesley: [in a really distant voice] Yes?
Picard: Were you out late last night?
Wesley: Huh? No. . . Just. . .
[Turbo shaft door opens up and Diana stumbles in.]
Diana: Wow. . . Wesley, will you marry me?
[Worf turns and draws phaser, and Wesley gets up in a daze and joins her.]
Diana: [brushing a dark curl off her face and adjusting her tight uniform] No need to draw your weapons, Mr. Worf. You know what happened last time.
Dr. Crusher: [embracing Wesley and drawing him protectively away] What have you done to my son?
Diana: Nothing. It's what your son did to me.
Wesley: Gee, Diana, I don't think I'm ready for marriage yet. I've never even had a girlfriend.
Diana: That's okay, our leader abolished our religion "Zon, the religion of Pre-te-nama" years ago. Although I don't believe in it, I exhibit the rare trait of telepathy...
Data: Christ on a pony, Diana, what are you talking about?!?
Diana: We do not marry on our planet. We go to the moon to do it.
[Drum roll, and cymbal crash. Everyone on the bridge starts laughing, except Data.]
Data: Ha. . . ha. . . ha. . . ha. ha. ha. ha ha ha ha hahahahaha!
Picard: Data, you're laughing!
Data: [shocked] Yes, I'm laughing!
Picard: And you used a contraction!
Data: [triumphantly] Yes, and not only that, but I'm not Data!
Whole Cast: You mean you're Data's long-lost brother's father's uncle twice removed?!?
Lore: No! I'm Lore, and the Borg are on their way!!!
[Ominous trumpet sound as picture fades and
[Mind numbing commercials about 1-976-00?0
[Back to the show. . . and in the Captain's ready room. . .]
Riker: Captain, my suggestion is that we rev up the warp-drive and leave the Sirians and the Borg in our dust.
LaForge: You know we can't out-run the Borg!
[Suddenly, Diana enters.]
Diana: Well, it seems you have a small problem Captain.
Picard: So do you, it seems!
Diana: HAH! Captain, one of our hand weapons can take out an entire Borg continuum from 300'. Well, I must be going. I have a date with Q for a game of intergalactic paint-ball. If you decide to come crawling on hands and knees begging for help, I'll send flowers to your funerals. Tah-tah!
Troi: OOOH, she can telepathize and transmogrify.
[Riker leaps up from his chair and collapses at Diana's feet, begging pitifully.]
Riker: Noooo. . . please don't go. . .
Wesley: Does this mean that the wedding is off? I was just picking out the perfect shade of red to go with the orange curtains.
Diana: [has a mild heart attack over colour clashing] Aaa. . . yeah, Wesley, I think that's a good bet. You have nothing on the way Q changes form during --
Picard: [going red] What? I've never heard such things.
Troi: Maybe that's why you don't
have any kids, Captain. Let me show you when you're off duty. . .
[Later that evening on the Visitor mothership,
Q crouches behind a big gold thing that looks like a plastic loonie bank
on cargo bay 12, level 72, and awaits Diana's arrival. Already his
Starfleet uniform is covered in blue splotches. Diana arrives in
her tight, white dress uniform followed by 37 shock troopers armed with
ketchup squeeze bottles. Suddenly, Q leaps out, blasting Diana's
guards with his paint gun. Every guard turns and blasts a gattling-paint-gun
all over the room. Camera gets splattered.]
[Later, Q and Diana are talking, covered with paint.]
Diana: I'm bored. Let's do something interesting.
Q: How about this? [snaps fingers]
[Big flash as every male person on the Enterprise is switched with a male Borg from the ominously approaching Borg ship. Diana smiles seductively at Q and links arms with him as they leave the corridor.]
Diana: Hmmm, that was rather amusing but the humans are rather amusing creatures... I have a better idea...
[Suddenly, the remaining crew of the Enterprise are transformed into Romulans, all, of course, except Worf who becomes a Ferengi. Diana and Q approach the bridge of the massive Visitor ship.]
Diana: [to a commander standing at a console] You're dismissed, commander!
Commander: But... I still have two hours left of my...
Diana: Do I have to draw you a picture? I said you're dismissed!
[Commander runs off. Diana and Q gaze longingly into each other's eyes.]
[cut to Worf as a Ferengi]
Worf: [as he thrusts a K'tin'chlin'a' blade through his chest] AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH! [falls over]
[cut to 10-4-ward where Brad as Whoopi as Guinan as the Sexiest Man Alive is serving drinks]
BWGSMA: [seems to sense something is wrong, drops a drink on a customer and runs out the door, knocking that silly hat off, revealing bright yellow dreads.] Worf!
[cut back to Worf's room. He is lying on the floor in pain. BWGSMA runs in.]
BWGSMA: Worf! No! My love!
BWGSMA: What's that? Jimmy's caught in the well?
Worf: No, you idiot! That's AARRRRRGGGGHHHHH in pain!!!
BWGSMA: Let me examine you! [proceeds to do a full body cavity search and examination.] Amazing! Due to your new Ferengi metabolism, you have just managed to perform your own appendectomy and lobotomy at the same time! No one will notice the difference!
Worf: Well, that's a relief. Hey, could you do that body cavity thing again? I found it quite stimulating.
[At this moment, Troi arrives]
Troi: Come see me after the commercial
break and I'll do it.
[Back to the show. Q and Diana stand on the bridge of her ship, staring in wonder at the scene in Worf's cabin.]
Diana: [Head cocked sideways at Q with an "amused" puppy dog look on her face] Is that physically possible?
Q: I don't know. I've never really wanted to do that.
[Their eyes meet and they stare longingly into each other's eyes. Their lips move closer together and... a young Visitor officer bursts in.]
Officer: Diana! I'm sorry to interrupt but Deck 18 just exploded and now we've got a really big mess on our hands.
Diana: Thank you, Kirk, I'll have someone look after it.
Q: What's Deck 18?
Diana: [grabbing a fork] The deck where we keep our rodents in stasis. The way I calculate it, Decks 17 and 19 should have quite a buffet.
[Q follows her out, disgusted]
[Deck 17 is filled with hungry Visitor officers. Suddenly, the crowd parts like the red sea and all noise and commotion come to an abrupt halt. The only sound is the sound of boot heels clicking on the metal floor as Diana and Q enter the room.
Q: [standing close behind Diana] I admire the discipline and respect you inspire in your crew.
Diana: Who are you trying to kid?
[whispering] That's not respect, it's fear. They're all terrified
that one of these days I'm going to snap and kill them all for looking
at me in the wrong way. [Picks up a barbecued hamster and a glass
of red wine, and beckons to Q]
[15 minutes later, Q and Diana materialize on the Enterprise in 10-4-ward. Q carries a wicker picnic basket and they are dressed in 1890's style clothes. Around them, 10-4-ward is filled with the usual red-shirts, yet they don't seem to notice Diana and Q as they spread a big red and white checkered blanket on the floor and sit, after finding Q, who was lost between the fabric of her deep-green silk skirt (which, when Diana sits, covers most of 10-4-ward). The couple begin to eat, or, rather, Diana begins to eat.]
Q: Must you eat them alive? It's really quite unattractive.
Diana: [with blood dripping from her
lips] What? I find it rather attractive. I mean, look
at this! [throws bloody rat at innocent red-shirt, who looks at it,
turns white, and falls over, nicely matching the checkered blanket.]
[cut to Wesley's room. He is working on some hyper-techno weird thing. Data walks in.]
Wesley: Data! Hi! I just wanted you to see my latest science project.
Data: Interesting. What is it?
Wesley: It's a multi-phase hyper-extensive phase inverter, with capabilities of modifying the higher ethereal plane.
Data: [confused] Huh?
Wesley: In practical terms, it will transfer Q-like powers from one being to another.
Data: [thinking] Ah. . . I see. And how would one use this?
Wesley: Simple! Just point this do-hickey at someone and press this button.
Data: [snatching the multi-phase hyper-extensive phase inverter from Wesley] Ha, ha ha! [evil laugh] I'm not Data, I'm Lore, and I'm going to take over the universe! Ha ha ha ha!
Wesley: No, you can't! I'll tell Picard on you!
Lore: Oh yeah? [punches a
window open and laughs as Wesley is sucked into open space, dying of decompression
in a bloody, gory mess amidst the cheers of fans everywhere. Lore
seals up the hole with some other science experiment and leaves the room.]
[Meanwhile, in 10-4-ward, Brad as Whoopi Goldburg as Guinan as the sexiest man alive has regained his/her composure and is trying to revive the red-shirt.]
Diana: [leaning closer to Q] You know, I've never felt this way about anyone before. I think I'm in love with you, but I'm not sure, all I have to go on is lust!
Q: [swipes away the remaining plate of BBQ'd rats and the decanter of wine, and embraces Diana] Oh, my Diana, your eyes are more blue than the grass on Golgafrinchum, your skin is as white as the ivory of the sacred sacrificial cows of Xenon IV. You are more beautiful than the flowers of Alphabetagammadelta VII.
Q: How do I love
Let me count the ways.
I love thee on the bridge,
In the brig,
On the holodeck,
I love thee in 10-4-ward,
While driving an out-board,
On a boat,
In a moat.
Diana: I hope we stay afloat.
Q: I love thee
by a fire,
Near Canadian Tire,
Singing a ballad,
Being taped by a beta-cam,
But I will not eat green eggs and ham;
John DeLancie I am!
[The entire 10-4-ward crew applauds. Q looks over and realizes that Diana left a good half hour ago.]
Q: Diana! My love!
Diana: [in the arms of Harrison Ford] I've lost interest, Q! I was mistaken, it was lust!
Q: Fine, Diana, if that's what you want! [rips his own clothes off] Take me, here, now! [points to the table when Riker and Worf are sitting.]
Diana: [to Harrison Ford] Now, don't you go running off on me, I'll be back in an hour.
Q: [to himself] God preserve me.
Picard: [entering 10-4-ward and hearing Q] If my memory serves me correctly, you ARE god!
Q: Oh, yes, well. . . Butt out, John-Luc, this isn't your affair.
Worf: [to Riker as they pick up their drinks and head to another table] Now that's something few men on this ship can say.
[Harrison Ford suddenly jumps up from the bar and punches Q.]
Ford: Look, buddy, you can't have her, she's mine!
Q: You dare challenge me? Do you know who I am?
Ford: Actually, no, I don't.
Q: I am the all-powerful Q! [snaps his fingers in a flourish and nothing happens.]
[Lore enters followed by a monkey wearing an engineering uniform.]
Lore: Hah! I am Lore and I have all you power now, Q!
Diana: [to BWGSMA] Who's the monkey?
Monkey: Don't you recognize me? I'm Commander O'Brian!
Diana: I knew you people were primitive, but really!
[Ford starts hitting EVERYONE! The computer plays Irish fighting music as the fight ensues.]
Diana: [taking a punch to the face] I always though Klingons were the most easily provoked species, yet I now feel that -- Arghh! [takes a blow to the stomach from BWGSMA]
O'Brian: [still a monkey] Well, I guess that shut that conceited, arrogant, no good bi--
Q: Shut up, ape,
and help me hide!
[Several hours later, in sick-bay, 95% of the crew is in being treated for injuries. As usual, there is only one doctor.]
Picard: [Squirming to sit up] I want her off my ship!
Crusher: You'll have to wait, Jean-Luc, I still have to reattach your arms!
Picard: And who is he [pointing to Harrison Ford], and what is he doing on my ship?
[Diana sits on the edge of another examination table, wrapped in one of those sparkly blue blankets. Several sick-bay attendants are trying to stop the bleeding and bandage her up.]
Diana: Someone get me a uniform and get me out of here!
Picard: I want you off my ship now! Security to sick bay! [he waves his arm which detaches again, flying across the room and slapping Diana on the side of the head.] Now [looking at Harrison Ford] who are you, and what are you doing on my ship?
Ford: Well, I was cruising around in the Millennium Falcon, and suddenly I felt this. . . Force drawing me here.
Diana: No, that was just your masculine urges.
Ford: I wonder if that's my Good Side or my Dark Side?
Diana: Harrison, darling, it's your only side.
Picard: I don't care! I want you off my ship! And you too, Diana! And I want everything to go back to normal! And where's my Earl Grey Tea? And what happened to my arms? And whatever happened to the nice, calm, normal missions we used to get? [breaking down and starting to cry] I miss those old times, those nice, happy, calm missions. . . and why did Kirk get all those women, and I never do. . . . [almost bawling now] I want my pink bunny slippers. . . .
Diana: Well, just a suggestion, dear, but ladies don't go for snivelling idiots. By the way, Captain, did you want this other arm or can Stephen have it? He hasn't had lunch yet.
Ford: Ug, I haven't seen anything this disgusting since the Temple of Doom!
Diana: Oh, go freeze yourself in carbonite. You were better in bed that way.
Picard: Please, there are children watching!
Diana: Oh, come on, they're just waiting for the 1-976 commercials to come on.
Picard: Who needs them when they can watch "Diana Does Starfleet's Entire Male Population" for free?
Diana: Because when they phone, I get their phone number, and then show up on their doorstep a few days later. . . if they sound sexy.
Q: For God's . . . er. . . MY sake, Diana, they're just boys!
Diana: Yes, but they'll be men when I'm through with them!
[Suddenly, lights flash and a siren goes off. Camera zooms out to show the set, and an officious-looking police officer steps onto the stage.]
Cop: All right, this is your last warning! No more senseless violence, senseless acts, and senseless sex! No more senselessness! Now finish filming CLEANLY, and remember, no more warnings! [turns to leave, then turns back] Oh, Diana, we're still on for tonight, right? [she nods and he walks off]
[Picard jumps off the sick-bay set and yells at the police officer (who is now behind the cameras)]
Picard: Damn it, this is still my ship and I'm still the captain! My crew takes orders from ME! Crusher, O'Brian, Data, Riker, Troi: Fornicate, assassinate, eviscerate, discombobulate!
Picard: [aside] There will be no seriousness among my crew!
Cop: Well, I guess. As long as Diana's still coming to see me tonight.
Picard: Good, back to the show!
[After the commercials, Diana, Picard, and Lore are standing together drinking Evian and chatting]
Voice: Uh, guys, we're filming!
Diana: Huh? Oh, yeah!
[crew shuffles back into position]
Picard: That's it! You're all getting thrown off my ship! Security!
[suddenly, 40 Borgs materialize in the room]
Computer: INTRUDER ALERT
Picard: I know that, you stupid computer!
Computer: Oh yeah, well take this!
[Ship goes into a sickening spiral, lights go on and off, and everyone tumbles through the room in maddening arrays of psychedelic colours.]
Picard: Alright! I'm sorry!
[Ship calms down. Everyone is on the floor, panting. Riker is on top of Diana.]
Diana: Wow. . . that was goooood. . .
[Riker rolls off, barely moving, with an idyllic expression on his face.]
Picard: Number One? Riker? [no response] Will? Medical team to Sickbay! Medical Emergency!
Worf: Uh, sir?
Picard: Not now, Worf, can't you see we've got a medical emergency on our hands?
Crusher: But Captain!?
Picard: I said NOT NOW, Beverly! Now someone get me a doctor!
Diana: [slapping Picard across the face] Picard, you are IN SICKBAY! There are over 35 highly trained medical experts in this room! Where else would one expect to find Medical experts? OR PERHAPS THE NOTION NEVER OCCURRED TO YOU?1?
Picard: [straightening his uniform and standing tall] Oh, well, yes, of course. Why, where else would I expect to find medical experts?
Crusher: Shall I revive him, sir?
Picard: [confidently] Make it so!
[Several minutes later in what is left of 10-4-ward, Diana sits at the bar, leaning over a glass of scotch.]
Diana: . . . and then when I was 16 my mother killed my father. I've never felt so alone, so rejected in all my life. [sob]
BWGSMA: [yawn] That's. . . special Diana. Listen, why don't you go tell your body-guard over there. He has to listen.
Diana: I thought your people were supposed to be a race of listeners!
BWGSMA: We were before we were all obliterated. You know, no one asks me how I am! No one ever says "Hi, Guinan, how's it going? So is being an endangered species shitty? No. . . Never. . .
[Diana rises and grabs a laser rifle from her body-guard's belt. She takes one clean shot right through Guinan's skull.]
BWGSMA: UH! [falls and dies with blood all over the place]
Diana: There, now your race IS extinct! [wheels around and replaces shock-trooper's gun]
Diana: [to amazed by-standers] Someone clean up this mess!
[Worf bursts in through the sliding doors, leaving a big Klingon-shaped hole in them.]
Worf: Guinan! No! My love! I can't live without you! [pulls out a weird knife and dramatically cuts both his hearts out while grunting some Klingon chant. Blood spurts everywhere.] AARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!
[Several Visitor shock troopers reach Guinan's dead body and grab glasses to catch the blood.]
Shock Trooper 1: This is the most fun I've had on shore-leave since that little incident on Earth!
Shock Trooper 2: Too bad Bill wasn't here to enjoy this. [Refills glass]
Shock Trooper 1: Bill was a great guy. A real ladies' man, too. It's really too bad about the accident. [hauls out a keg and starts filling]
Shock Trooper 2: Well, he didn't die in vain. While he was being tortured and killed we all learned a valuable lesson. . .
Shock Trooper 1: Yeah, if you're not good enough for Diana, you'd better steal a shuttlecraft and leave.
Shock Trooper 2: You got that right.
[They notice Worf's twitching body and head over. They fill their glasses with Klingon blood and sip away.]
Shock Trooper 1: Hey, this is good. . . Wow. . . The colours. . . Look at the colours. . . [keeps sipping, get completely high on Klingon blood]
[Somewhere in here 10-4-ward is completely emptied as not many people enjoy being though of as walking narcotics.]
Shock Trooper 2: Aaaaa. . . . Mmmmm. . . . Where did they say their home planet was?
Shock Trooper 1: Hey, man. . . like. . . wow. . . Let's go tell the Commander. . . . Think of the promotion, man. . .
[They walk over to Diana who is sitting and sipping Guinan blood.]
Shock Trooper 1: Excuse me, Supreme Commander. . .
Diana: Can't you see I don't want to be disturbed? [turns away in disgust]
Shock Trooper 2: Perhaps <hic> this isn't the best time <hic>.
Shock Trooper 1: Let's go get smashed!
[Troopers retreat. A young, handsome commander approaches Diana's table.]
Commander: Excuse me, but you look like you could use some company.
[Diana looks up and appraises him.]
Diana: Well, I suppose I could use some cheering up.
Commander: [in a dashing voice] Well, that's what I do best. What's that lovely fragrance you're wearing?
Diana: That's Klingon blood.
Commander: Ah, a woman of style and taste.
Diana: [impressed] So, what is your name, tall, dark, and handsome?
Commander: Commander Thomas Hartington, at your service.
Diana: Thomas. . . I like that.
Commander: Thank-you, madam.
Diana: So, Commander, what are your plans for this evening?
Commander: It seems to be free. . . unless I get an offer.
Diana: I was thinking of my room. . . dim lights. . . stars. . . three blenders and a tuning fork. . .
Commander: [smiling] Sounds interesting, but I must warn you of something.
Diana: [in a sultry manner] What?
Commander: I'm gay.
[Diana pulls a gun out of her uniform and vaporizes Thomas.]
Diana: [strutting off] Mock my
emotions will you. . . Damn *?@!#$. . .
[Diana enters Engineering and grabs Geordie]
Diana: Put down that primitive warp-coil and take me. . . NOW! I NEED SEX!!! IT'S BEEN ALMOST 17 MINUTES!
LaForge: [not seeming to notice] I never have any luck with women, if they aren't holograms, they're married; if they're single, they're insane Dominatrix, dictator-type beauties who only want me for mind-numbing sex. [pause] What am I saying? You, take over engineering for the next couple hours. My room, two minutes!
Diana: That's too long! Now!
[Diana grabs him, throwing him on that big table in Engineering. Camera effect fuzzes out their bodies like crooks on Cops. Clothes and odd pieces of equipment fly around, including his visor. Cut to an outside shot of the ship, which is doing weird flips and lights are going on and off. Cut to the bridge.]
Picard: Geordie, what's going on down there?
[Wild, passionate sounds come over the speaker.]
Diana: Oh. . . oh. . . Geordie. . . . Paul. . . Daniel. . . Matthew. . . Mark. . . Luke. . . John. . . Judas!
Picard: What is happening to my crew?!? Riker get rid of her. I don't care how, just do it!
Riker: [grinning] Yes, sir, it
will be my pleasure.
[Meanwhile, back in engineering. . .]
Diana: Oh, God. . . [sighs happily]
LaForge: [panting and fixing his uniform] I. . . didn't. . . think. . . you believed in. . . in God.
Diana: I believe that I've just had a
religious experience. Tell your Captain that I'll be in his ready-room
when he's ready to sign over the universe and its contents. I suppose
I've had enough recreation for one day. We really should get down
to work. [straightens stray hair and walks out of Engineering.]
[cut to Captain's Ready-Room. Picard walks in thinking he's alone. His chair is turned to face the window.]
Picard: Computer, Tea, Earl Grey, hot.
[Picard's chair spins around revealing Diana, dressed in her white dress uniform, her black, shined-to-perfection boots resting on Picard's priceless antique desk.]
Diana: [smiling playfully] Captain, no wonder you're so uptight. You should take better care of your body. You're not getting any younger, you know, and caffeine really won't help.
Picard: [turning red] You! What do you want now? You waltz onto my ship and act like you own my crew, you're destroying everything in sight and I'm not going to stand for it any longer!
Diana: If you're prepared to sign over the universe to me then we'll do the paperwork and I'll be on my way.
Picard: Diana, if I could do that, I would. . . Anything to get you off my ship, but that's not my decision. The universe belongs to W. P. Barnes, Texas millionaire and sole economic source of "Century 25".
[Riker bursts in wearing nothing but a speedo]
Riker: [out of breath] Captain, I've tried to find her, but I can't find her anywhere! I know I could influence her if you could just locate her. . .
Picard: She's standing next to you, Riker!
Riker: [turning] Oh, uh, hi!
Diana: Well, I think I'll be on my way. Thank you so much for your hospitality, Captain. Will. . . [walks out]
Riker: See, I told you I could make her leave.
[Picard hits his hand on his head]
[Picard's Voice resonates over the cool cut-out of the Enterprise warping through computer-generated space.]
Picard: Captain's Log Stardate 101-3-31-25.
For the past 72 hours my ship has been over-run by an insane, dictator-type
beauty and her crew. Scientific scans have proven that the crew's
men's anxiety levels have actually risen since her departure, while all
women seem somehow relieved. All is returning to normal.
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