My Childhood (or what I can remember of it anyhow)
8/25/1999 5:48 PM

	Where to begin, a time so long and complex could take years to explain, for it took
years to transpire.  I will do what I can though to retell my livelyhood of my youth from the
beginning of memory, to around mid eigth grade (where it starts to get skechy).  So this is 
where I begin.
	-Pre-School:  My first memoies of me are in Charlotte NC.  There are none of Virgina 
except for a few vauge ones from Lynchburg.  But my first clear thought occoured at the Alexander
Graham Children's Learning Center (or day care, any way you like it).  It was time for nap time,
and a foolish/childish question popped in my mind "I wonder if I can walk under that table
without kneeling down?".  I learned quickly that I couldn't and recived three stiches over my
eye because of it.  When I was in preschool, I liked only a few things.  Mostly they were
dinosaurs and amazingly enough, My Little Pony.  Back then I didn't like my brother too much.
He was very bossy, sassy, and mean.  I had a few friends at AG preschool, bother of them with
Downs Syndrome.  But I was saddened when one of them didn't recognize me at the mall (that was
in my kindergarden days).  Christmas was something I looked very forward to, even though I
already knew that Santa didn't eat cookies and drink that milk.  My reasoning, "Isn't Santa
supposed to be on a diet?  And why would he want to drink sour milk?".  My only good friend from
that time was a neighbor of mine named Marideth Carter.  We used to play a lot while my brother
and her brother would go around riding bikes.  Mom and dad thought "Aww, that's so sweet, Chris
has a girlfriend!"  That was not true.  Actually, the thought never crossed my mind, I had no
idea what a girlfriend was, and I had no clue my parents were married.
	-Kindergarden: School had finally started.  I didn't feel that much grown up, even though
I was starting to try (and not succeding as I still do sometimes today) to dress myself.  Back
in those days I was a very talkative kid.  I had some sort of learning disability though.
I don't remember anything except for a trip to the office to read.  I did well and they sent me
back to class.  My mother told me recently that it was because there seemed to be a few "fuses"
in my brain not working right (could that be the foundation for my mutliple personalities and
my degenerative mental conditions?).  Continuing onward with the origional story, I tried to
meet many new people, but this was by far one of the worst awakenings I would ever have in my
life.  People thought I was a dork, not very funny, and for some reason everyone loved to pick
on me.  That was probably becuase I would cry a lot (I am the biggest crybaby I know).  This
problem was amplified by the kids at the After School Enrichment Program (ASEP).  They had
nothing better to do then go after me obviously, I was such an easy target.  Most of the
stories I have from ASEP come from the first grade and an infamous group of kids a grade above
me.  These were the days where I started to be just like my brother.  Even though I had gotten
his "box" haircut for a while (this was still the '80s), I eventually got a different looking
one.  My parents did lots of working, which was the whole reason I went to ASEP.  I was always
the last one picked up from there, and that would be aroud 6:15 PM.  School had ended a lot
earlier I do believe.  I hardly saw anyone I knew, and had very few friends.  The ones I did
have didn't like to be seen around me.  So at that time in my mind they were my friends, but I'm
not so sure now.
	-First Grade: Memories of First, Second, and Third grade blend a little in my memory, so
the next bits of info may be placed in the wrong time.  Oh well, they are still part of my past.
By this time I was a very antisocial sort of child.  It had been imprinted in me that no one here
wanted to talk to me, and it was because of the person I was.  I had a general feeling of not
being good enough for these people at school.  Home didn't give me much support either.  As a
matter of fact, home got quite bad.  I recieved the only whipping I ever had (which sounds more
surprising than it may seem) in the first grade.  I had left my spelling list at home one week
and my dad got pissed off for no apparent reason.  Three lashes and it was over, but it was the
subtext that hurt more.  I realized then who was doing it, but it only made my feeling of
inadequecy grow.  The ASEP got real bad in the first grade I remeber, but I only remember one
part of it.  About four or five kids (all at least a year older than me) had just proceeded to
beat the shit out of me, with a few teachers watching a little of it.  Then they called a whole
bunch of other poeple over and they all started laughing.  It promply was ended by an adult
though.  It was time to go in.
	First grade did have a few very good and worthwhile instances to it.   I finally was
able to read, which made me proud.  I never did enjoy reading too much in those days.  In my
constant effort to be like my brother, those books were very "Childish".  I also meant two of
my best friends from that day, and they are still my friends today.  One of them was a kid named
JT Sim.  He had just moved in after the beginning of second semester and I decided to talk to him
a little bit.  I wonder how things would have turned out had he listened to what other people
were saying about me or became extremely popular.  People didn't like hime too much though
becuase he was too smart (those ass-holes).  Another friend of mine I met was a kid named David
Hanson.  We were in the same Sunday school class, and no one really liked either of us for
different reasons.  Most of them already knew David from school, and thought he was an outright
dork.  They didn't like me because they thought I was "A stupid poor boy" just becuase i didn't
go to private school.  I am very glad to have made both of those friendships, they have both
saved me many times from myself.
	-Second Grade: By this time I had become extremely anti-social outside of my two very
close friends.  I was outright scared to talk in fear that I would be laughed at.  This trickled
over to home, where I believe it was first or second grade where Mom and Dad left for Aurstralia
and left us with a granny they "rented" (it was a fearful time indeed).  Instead of growing in
this grade I more or less shrank back.  I also began to use my imagnation a whole lot more.  It
was just another friend I had of the very few "real ones".  And I was starting to realize who my
real friends were too, and that made me a little sad.  They were very few and very far between.
I didn't dwell on it much though becuase I spent so much time with my actual friends.  I also met
another one of my longstanding friends, David Gray.  I met him at David H's birthday party.  We
got along pretty well, but we didn't get to know each other that well.
	-Third Grade: Third grade was better, but I began to forget some of the lessons I had
learned.  I started to become a doormat to people, which only makes sense because I was so sad
and felt so alone in the world.  One of my many mental complexes had developed before that year.
I had/have a constant tendancy to forget what I had.  I dwelled too much on the fact that so many
people didn't like me instead of realizing that I had a few good friends.  I didn't have a best
friend because I thought that would be unfiar to my other friends that I held one of them up to
that distinction.
	Like I said, I became a doormat child.  I did everyone's bidding, and I felt good because
I was finally getting the attention I had lacked (I felt anyways) since the days of my infancy
(which does no good of course because I don't remember any of it).  I did gain a little respect
on the soccer fields, but no one felt that comfortable being around me.  At home, my parents were
very stressed and argumentive (I learned all of my curse words from them before I had my first
day of school).  Whenever I saw them, I saw them fighting.  I felt that I was to blame about a
of it because they yelled at me and my brother a lot.  I looked up to him too.  He was the only
person who had really been at my side throughout this first leg of elementary school.  He didn't
have the upmost respect for me, but he was a whole lot to me back then.  My grades were slipping
too, according to my parents anyways.  I was very sparatic turning in my work, and for the first
time since I had started school, I didn't make straight A.  I would never accomplish that again
except for once in the sixth grade.  All in all in my mind, this had been a great and wonderful
year.  Everything seemed to be getting right, and next year I would be a fourth grader.  Then
everyone else would start looking up to me.  Too bad I forgot that I would be going to a 4th
through 6th grade.
	-Fourth Grade: This is one point where things start to get very sketchy.  I remember
a few scenarios, but nothing much in particular.  But I do remember about one friend I made, and
I am both glad and not glad that I made this friend.  His name was Dustin Briscow, and his mere
aquaintence changed the course of my life.  Suddenly, all of these friends I thought I had made
started to leave me.  Brian, Eric, John, Josh, Greg, Steve, and others I don't rememebr.  They
all left me becuase they never liked me in the first place and now they wouldn't want to be
around both me and Dustin.  Its a good thing because I finally learned who my friends really
were.  It was also bad because suddenly I found out that I had about 5 real friends.  It made
me start to feel really depressed.  I learned about suicide and started to contemplate.  Somehow
I thought that I shouldn't kill myself because it would hurt too many people, but at the same
time I felt that no one at all wanted to be near me.  I eventually lost contact with Dustin
because of the one time I had him at my house.  He broke a lamp and nearly broke a window.
	Home had been bad for a while because mom and dad were having trouble making ends meet
and trying to pay for my sisters college.  Now mom and dad, having all of this extra money,
decided to start spending it on "other things".  They spent very little on David and I, and a
whole lot on themselves and their wine and beer.  I did have two new friends that moved in
from somewhere.  They were Jennifer and Susan Redmon, twins who had moved in next door.  Once
again, mom and dad were like "Awww, Chris has a girlfriend...now which one is she?".  This time
my thinking was, "Why the hell would anyone want for me to be their boyfriend".  We did some
things together and had some fun.  That made home life a little more bearable.
	-Fifth Grade: On the year after the second worst awakening I would go through in my
frail childhood, things got worse and lonelier.  JT, who had been with me through most of this
changed schools.  It was the beginning of the big wave of Maganet Schools in Charlotte.  I was
left with many people who had very little to no respect for me.  The year was hellacious, and I
only remember one part of it.  I had just changed classes from a room full of people that didn't
like me.  However, I was put into the only class that had more people that didn't like me.  We
had the interclass games and our male group lost big time because we only had seven guys in our
class.  Afterwards, I was laughed at and made fun of for the rest of the month of school we had.
And the people in my class collectivly blamed me and another kid with Downs-Syndrome becuase
for the group of males loosing.  Fifth grade was horrible, probably the second worst year I had
in school, if not the worst.  And I finally got into the maganet school program, but I didn't
get into the school I wanted to.  I would first have to go through the little school of Lincoln
Height Elementary before I would be able to move on to Marie G. Davis Middle, and you know what
this little hub did to me?  I'm sure you can already guess...
	-Sixth Grade: Years of toil, burning, damnnation, and tribluation would have never
prepared me for what I had to deal with next.  Bliss.  A wonderful year in school was one I had
in the Sixth Grade.  Finally, transfering to a different school put me in a place where no one
knew me.  It gave me just the obscurity I needed.  I met many new and wonderful people, and had
a very wonderful time.  For the first time since I started going to school, I felt like I was
respected by my peers.  I made great grades too.  Everything seemed to be better, including
home.  But there are two downsides to this grade, one not so bad, and the other detremental.  The
first is that I ran for student council president and lost (I didn't even get 50 votes).  The
second was that Sixth grade gave me way too much self confidence.  Suddenly, I thought that
everyone would like me, no matter what I did.  That can only be a prelude for what was to come
next.
	-Seventh Grade and Eigth Grade: (due to memory reasons, I may as well just put these into
one catagory)  These were the worst two years I have had to date, not just in school, but in life
in general.  I acted so strange that I scared many of my old friends.  Almost immediatly I was
made fun of.  Wherever I went, people would poke fun at me.  One guy named Travis threw a
notebook at me and hit me in the back of the head.  I lost all of the good feelings and good
humor that I had gained throughout the sixth grade.  Even some of my friends from there started
to try to aviod me.  I eventaully became a very quiet and anti-social child again, but I couldn't
avoid all of the taunts.  People made their own official "cliques" thats only purpose was to
bring me down even more.  I felt very weak, and only felt weaker as time progressed.  In eigth
grade I joined the football team at school.  There I was made fun of too, mainly because (as
usual) I put my foot in my mouth and people just won't let me forget.  After eight weeks and only
playing one play the entire season, my dad pulled me off the team because he thought football
was making me crazy.  He was right, but it wasn't the only thing.  In fact, things only got wore.
Before I left the team, we were 0-4.  After I left the team won its last two games.  I kept
hearing about it for the rest of the year.  My grades were at their worst in the eigth grade too.
One quarter I made three Fs in English, Math, and Science.  I still passed that year (thank god).
That was mainly because I didn't feel like doing anything because I was so depressed.  After
learning that two different girls that I had crushes on wanted nothing to do with me, I felt
the most worthless I had ever felt at that point of my life.  I don't remember much else about
that time in my life, for reasons that I will let you the reader speculate.
	That is my childhood for you.  Not wonderful by any means.  Things have gotten better
since then, but these scars remain on me, and the wounds constantly re-open and remind themselves
that they were there.  And sometimes still I succumb to them.