Updated 12/28/2002

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess ...
why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth half of what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.

I'm not afraid of heights, just of widths.

Practice safe eating, always use condiments.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Bill Gates said it first.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit; but not nearly as gratifying.

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sigh that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Performance Review - 'He always has a smile on his face, he seems to enjoy his work, and he never complains...I suspect he's on drugs.'

(Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
(A) Through his chest with a sharp knife.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Disclaimer: We have no wish to offend you unless you're a twit.

If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

Anarchy - It's not the law, it's just a good idea.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

It's not the principle of the thing. It's the money.

Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.

The breakfast of champions is the opposition.

If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Always do right. This will gratify many people, and astonish the rest.

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you frantic.

Decadence is its own reward.

An honest politician is one who stays bought.

Organize for anarchy!

Circular definition: see "circular definition."

Help! The paranoids are out to get me!

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

I don't see you, so don't pretend you're there.

Tell the truth and run.

He who hesitates is last.

A wise man knows everything, a shrewd one, everybody.

Moral victories don't count.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Smile! The Illuminati are watching.

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.

All syllogisms have three parts. Therefore, this is not a syllogism.

I'll have to put something into their food to make them forget about this.

We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you.

Don't steal. The government hates the competition.

Once you give up integrity, the rest is easy!

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

I don't suffer from insanity. I revel in it.

Always be smarter than the people who hire you. But never let them know.

The worst thing about censorship is XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Smile! It makes them wonder what you're up to.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

A censor is a man who thinks he knows more than you ought to.

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research.

The less a politician amounts to, the more he loves the flag.

Forecasting is difficult, especially about the future.

Are you sure? [N] Y

What if this weren't a hypothetical question?

All generalizations are incorrect, including this one.

Join the Illuminati and see the world . . . differently.

Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate.

Beware of the superficially profound.

Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense.

All law is codified revenge.

Did you know that "gullible" isn't in the dictionary? Look it up.

Hail Eris! All hail Discordia!

If winning doesn't matter, why keep score?

Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.

Smash the state, and have a nice day.

Abandon all hope ye who PRESS ENTER here.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Thoughts good! Slogans bad! Thoughts good! Slogans bad!

Gotta run, my government's collapsing.

Defeat is worse than death, because you have to live with defeat.

Eschew obfuscation!

Someone you trust is one of us . . .

This is a test. This is only a test. Had this been a real emergency, you would all be dead by now.

Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later)

Only dead fish go with the flow.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not terrified and screaming like his passengers. (bumper sticker)

Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.

My Governor can beat up your Governor. (Minnesota bumper sticker)

You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Minerva save us from the cloying syrup of coercive compassion! (Camille Paglia)

Justice is people getting what they deserve (there is little justice in the world).

'WARNING' This post is the product of a deranged mind. Sarcasm is in heavy use, and its author claims no responsibility for any seizers experienced while reading it.

'WARNING' The author of this post shall not be held responsible for medical cost associated with placing your fist through the CRT, nor for the replacement cost of said CRT.

Be careful what you wish for. You might just get it.

If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand.

Believe those who are seeking truth, doubt those who find it.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

Gravity isn't easy, but it's the law.

Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt.

Corrupt Coroners Report: Accidental death caused when victim tripped and fell on his back and was impaled by a butchers knife 43 times.

QUALITY! SERVICE! PRICE! (Pick any two)

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11.

'The game of catch has never been so fun!' (inventor of the hand grenade)

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Warning - The Moralistic Bigot in the mirror may be closer than you think.

And God said, 'Let there be light', and there was light. And everyone said, 'Hey, cool! Do You do parties?.'

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

One if by Land, two if Bisexual (Adult movie title)

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I would like to be Frank now. You can be Frank tommorrow.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

Bow down before the one you serve. You're going to get what you deserve.

Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?

God's okay... it's some of His fan clubs that worry me.

No, AIDS is a virus. Pat Robertson is a punishment from God.

Public Opinion . . . an attempt to organise the ignorance of the community, and to elevate it to the dignity of physical force.

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.

'I'm a lawyer.' 'Honest?' 'No, the usual kind.'

God created man. Samuel Colt made 'em equal.

Redundancy: a politician with an airbag in his car.

BEER! Helping ugly people have sex since 1862.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Not all Christians are fundamentalist hypocritical misogynistic bigots, but that is our advertising campaign.

Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen.

We're only immortal for a limited time.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

It's not who you kill. It's what type of cereal you eat out of their skull.

'Every day, the dog and I, we go for a tramp in the woods. And he loves it! Mind you, the tramp is getting a bit fed up!

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

If Man were meant to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 disciples.

The difference between philosophy and theology: If you have an argument over philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw bombs.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

I Brake For No Apparent Reason. (Bumper Sticker)

I believe that sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy.

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenominally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

And which parallel universe did you crawl out of?

If a man says something in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming too high.

The only thing that separates us from the animals is mindless superstition and pointless rituals.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat today. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? To get to the other... er... um...

As you requested, here is a schedule of all future unplanned network outages. I took the initiative to include a schedule of all future sick days, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes and hurricanes.

Fran Drescher's rise to fame is quite a miracle. Aside from just being your typical annoying New Yorker, she has a laugh that sounds like somebody is ice-climbing up the back of a baboon.

You can at least teach a dingo to fetch. The problem is, it can take years to teach it the difference between a baby and a stick.

The movie looks it was filmed by a rhesus monkey with a video camera. The editing looks like it was performed by a rhesus monkey with a Cuisinart. Apparently, if you're a rhesus monkey, you can really go places in Hollywood.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

After making love I said to my girl, 'Was it good for you too?' And she said, 'I don't think this was good for anybody.'

In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.

Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

A Former Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight...Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to finally find one beauty pageant winner who is against world peace.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

and 9% of people said that they were a small orange cube of wood, and that they fully supported the Government's view on education.

New York City: No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

You have to take a lighter approach now. Jumping up on a table in a busy restaurant, swinging from the ceiling fans, and screaming, 'YOU'RE ALL GONNA BURN IN HELL,' just scares people away.

I will endure all this subhuman driveling crap with a smile.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

If all it takes is an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters, how come AOL haven't written any Shakespeare yet?

Microsoft: One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

In the heat of battle, tantric magic is fun, but highly ineffective.

No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.

There is nothing so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

You want to hear God laugh? Tell him your plans.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Earn cash in your spare time... blackmail friends.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Pay attention to your enemies. They are the first to discover your mistakes.

In the beginning there were three... and then the three became nine... and then the nine got hungry and then there were four.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work.

Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in Morse Code.

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

All I'm saying is that you're deluded, pathetic, and squirrels use your head to store chestnuts for the cold winter months in.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

It's true... no man is an island... but if you take a bunch of dead guys and tie 'em together, they make a pretty good raft.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book that is admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbour.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Send lawyers, guns, and money - the shit has hit the fan

If infinite rednecks fired infinite shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, they'd eventually create all the great literary works of the world in braille.

Education and intelligence aren't the same thing!

The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'

Wait, I know this game. It's called cat and mouse, and there's only one way to win; don't be the mouse.

The Past isn't what it use to be.

Do not BE what you SEE. (Bumper sticker on horse trailer)

I'm going insane and I'm taking you with me.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

No, I'm not an elitist. Why do you ask, peasant?

My other car is underwater. (Ted Kennedy's Bumper Sticker)

'Why do you hang around with that sadist?' 'Beats me!'

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

Kinky: using feathers. Perverted: using whole chickens.

Life would be much easier if I had the source code.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

Precinct toilet stolen - police have nothing to go on.

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

God must love stupid people. He made so many of them.

A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

You've reached the B&D hotline. All our operators are tied-up right now, so if you leave a name, number, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

My God! You are almost as beautiful as I am! (Fabio pickup line)

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Both the cockroach and the bird would get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

This calls for a very special plan of psychology and extreme violence.

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views...which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

...evil will always win, because good is dumb!

I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates who said,'I drank what?'

I can't help it. I'm a greedy slob. It's my hobby.

This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. This is your brain on drugs with an order of bacon and some toast.

Do unto others before they do unto you.

A peasant becomes fond of his pig and is glad to salt away its pork. What is significant, and is so difficult for the urban stranger to understand, is that the two statements are connected by an and and not by a but.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

The people always have some champion whom they set over them and nurse into greatness. . . . This and no other is the root from which a tyrant springs; when he first appears he is a protector.

How clever you are, my dear! You never mean a single word you say.

You can't say that civilization don't advance . . . for in every war they kill you a new way.

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

What has four legs and an arm? A pitbull.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth -- reboot universe? (Y/N)

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and choke.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

186,000 MPS! It's not just a good idea, It's the Law!

Hey guys! watch this! (Drunks Last Words)

Don't worry, I read somewhere that bears mostly eat roots and berries. (Enviromentalist's Last Words)

Either the wallpaper goes or I do. (Oscar Wilde's last words)

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! (Bumper sticker)

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an a##hole. (Bumper sticker)

Dyslexics of the world - untie!!! (bumper sticker)

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Sisyphus is sort of a playful myth, when you look at it from the stones perspective.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

I don't see what all the fuss is about, if those dolphins were so smart, they wouldn't hang out with tuna.

Today's subliminal thought is:

Quote from the Boss: 'I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.'

At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year.

Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.

665: Neighbour of the Beast. 666A, 666B - Tenants of the Beast. 766: Upstairs neighbour of the Beast.

A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ....

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I don't drive fast, I fly low. (bumper sticker)

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!.

A rock -- me <-- A hard place >

If you see me running, try to keep up. (back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad)

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.

And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes. (Bumper sticker)

Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.

Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, but no one's ever died from it.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. (Actual Quote from a supermodel)

In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark, and did two loads of laundry.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? (bumper sticker)

We are no longer the knights who say 'neep.' We are now the nights who say 'ickiickiickiickipatangaipboing.'

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Tagline Applied For.

The shortest distance between any two points is a wormhole.

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi (Always wear underwear)

Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes (If you can read this, you're overeducated.)

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Dog- The human feeds me, takes care of me, and loves me. It must be GOD.
Cat - The human feeds me, takes care of me, and loves me. I must be GOD.

I think I think, Therefore I may be.

Fear and ignorance, ignorance and fear.

I'm not saying Jezebel is easy...but before she moved to Sodom, it was known for it's pottery!

Ideas are very durable things. Ever tried to kill one?

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time.

Democracy is the world's worst form of government...except for the alternatives.

The only usless knowledge is knowledge never used.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car!

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Q: what do you call skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

May you live in Interesting Times.

All the great empires of the future will be empires of the mind.

Anyone who is not shocked by quantum theory does not understand it.

The glory of the past is an illusion. So is the glory of the present.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I hear everyone has a photographic memory.........problem is, some don't have film.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for 'better treatment'? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don't know I'm using blanks.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, 'You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group.' 'Yeah,' I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend.'

How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

We've upped our standards, now up yours.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

I cannot be bought.. but I can be rented.

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift' ... they say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

Capitalism it is said, is a system wherein man exploits man. And communism -- is vice versa.

Do you think there's a God?
Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!

I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.

You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.

I've learned and I'm not going to make the same mistakes! I'm going to make a whole bunch of NEW mistakes!

We'll never survive.
You're only saying that because no one ever has.

We can do that. We don't even need a reason.

This steak still has marks where the jockey was hitting it.

Look, strange women lying in ponds handing out swords ... that's no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I'm being repressed!

No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics!

Guests who kill talk show hosts - On the last Geraldo.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

Not all people are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*** you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."

If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

Duct tape is like the force -- there is a light and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Auntie Em,
Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.
Dorothy.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

A Man Did This To Me, Oprah. (Maternity shirt)

The road of good intentions is paved with Hell.

I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. (John Wayne)

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

If you could live forever, would you and why?
I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. (Miss Alabama 1994)

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disrali, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or some vile disease."
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

Interviewer: Can you go 8 hours without leaving your desk to go to the bathroom?
Interviewee: Well I guess so, but the cleaning people are not going to like emptying the trash can.