The Convo
Adroit: My mother is currently making sounds of pain because her back hurts and I want to say: Would you shut the fuck up?! (She's so fucking annoying) Usually I laugh out loud when she hurts, but thats when she does something dumb like falls in the street from tripping over a man-hole and almost getting hit by a car. But when its not funny, its just pisses me off. *Hmm* I never thought of it before but *this guy* says perhaps I like visual comedy and I think he's right. Cause if I dont see it, I can usually imagine it, like the time she broke her toe and all I heard was "Ooo!" Then she tells me she wanted to call her brother to get a ride to the hospital and I wouldnt get off the phone cause I was talking to a friend and couldnt stop laughing. My friend thought that I was being mean and told me to just call him back and I said, Nah, its cool. I dont know...times like that are classic.

Fooling Myself
I cant help but wonder the intentions and inner workers of another's mind. I keep feeling like I'd like to trust someone but all in all, they do put themselves first. I cant honestly say I've never been truly happy but I cant honestly that I have. It's possible I've only adapted to what others have expressed happiness to be. A person can either be trusting and led on or non-trusting and accused of being paranoid. Then we have Option C which is to trust someone reguardless of signs or proof that they dont deserve it and then there's always a particular aspect I always keep in my mind: good old fashion reality: Put faith in no man. Ahh, now I've said too much. But truth be told...I'd like a partner...a partner I can trust with all of me. And though I dont blame anyone for living thier lives, even if it is at the cost of overlooking who I am, I sometimes wonder why I even bother to take part. I'd like to fold and walk away but then I'd feel like I were being a hypocrit for all those who've put trust in me. But something tells me that my respecting those who couldnt care less for me is one of my short-comings and if I stayed I'd only be walking backwards which would completely destroy myself self...the whole point of Adroit Deviant.

Im a Freak and Youre All Magnutive
So, I went to this place of know how and was digusted by the crave of want...by the feel of need. I saw a lack of and had to get away. I just had to get away. And I ended up finding my way to *this guy* and I dont know why Im here and I dont know why I came. But Im here now and somehow he's all I know. I feel like Im always sleeping and he's the only thing that makes me question the realities and the possibilty of a such thing as waking up. And though I know he's so very real, I wonder how is it that he sees me and them at the same time. How is it that you can enter another's dream (wheather his or mine) and know he shouldnt be here...too good for this. Too good indeed. And he's the only thing that I know and yet I dont know why he cares. I've exscaped from the box and entered the realm of freedom. And he's so fine and yet I still dont know why Im here. And I dont know why I came.

The Final Frontier
So last night, I couldnt tear myself away and though I decided that I'd fight the urg of staying simply because I wanted to...he then asked me if I would. And Im glad I chose to do so. I really enjoy speaking with him and sometimes I feel like he knows me so very well, and when I dont think so...I appriciate our differences, which gives us more to understand about one another and sometimes even compliments. However, today I left and now have to face dealing without him. Something I've done before him and something I've done after our break-up. However, I cant say I prefer it this way. But at the same time, I'd really like to gain a material world to contain our personal relationship, so I've decided to go ahead and get that out of the way real quick. If I could do it before without him, I can surely do it again and if he decides he'd like to contribute, all is well. But if not, I know I'd miss him more than he knows. The Final Frontier..........? Facing life without him.

Whoa is Me
Yesterday I came to see *this guy* and things went great. I really love him, but this I cant possibly express...at least not to a degree he can understand. To be honest, I dont think I understand it sometimes myself. In any case, he's a fucking genius and I love his mind. I cant help but wonder all of the glorious thoughts that reside in that realm of randsome. Anyway, I had a great time and it bothers me that I wont be seeing him for some time. Im leaving for school tomorrow and Im really gonna miss him. I planned not to come back until I graduated but perhaps I'll change my mind about not visiting on week-ends. After all, I do want to see him, I just didnt expect him to walk back into my life afer everything, you know?

Monkey's Always Look
Today out of no-where, I thought of my first love and I felt bad. I admit, I made some bad decisions and it was me who also broke up with him *go figure*. Sometimes I wonder what level of hell I deserve for doing what I did. He had a best friend who later became his rival and I somehow managed to get them back together. Yet after they rekindled their relationship I participated in the writting of a letter with his friend that spoke of what he'd like to do with me, which resulted in us going into the hallway while he was asleep, and me honestly not being able to go through with doing anything. Truthfully, I never cheated on him. But years later, when I did move on, it was to that friend. And I was thinking, I never meant to hurt him the way I did. I really wish I couldve lived up to how he perceived me when we first met...The way I was before I became tainted by indulging in unecessary love. Though I wont deny my feelings...I made a huge mistake by denying his. And Im so sorry... Im really so sorry...

Liar Liar
Some time ago, there was a guy in my life...lets call him Guy X. Well, he and I got along great and I even asked him to promise we'd be friends forever. I mean, I truly respected this guy. In any case... he ended up raping me. After that...I grew nausous of certain things...the smell of him on my clothes, the sound of his voice, the look in his eye. Which is odd because before the incident, I always told him he had scary looking eyes...I suppose I found out why. It must've been some kind of intuition of sorts...knowing without knowing. But perhaps I shouldnt have over-looked it. In any case, I left him alone and somehow, we ended up back in each others lives. I had gone through alot recently, more so spiritually, and learned the art of forgiveness. So we spoke about alot I had on my mind...things I wanted to express back then that I hadnt ever before... to anyone. He agreed that he did rape me and said he was sorry for doing so and after some time I thought perhaps he was tempted and therefor he lost a certain battle. But being that we're all tempted I tried to understand and eventually, I told him that I forgave him. Now Im thinking that it wasnt such a good idea because the other day...he tried it again. The last we spoke I told him : "You ever think that if you're going rape someone (as evil as that is), to at LEAST put on a condom so they wouldnt have to deal with having the rapist's child or having to go through with an abortion on top of the fact that they've just been raped....?" And no, I wont forgive him this time...I shouldnt have the first. He wasnt truly sorry.

Stuck on Stupid
Alright, perhaps Im in a stage of shock right now. I ended up going through with seeing *this guy* and to my surprise it went better than I expected. We spent his birthday together and had a wonderful time. So much so that he asked me to spend the night and I agreed. To my surprise, he was such a respectable gentleman. We had a few light drinks, talked all night, slept next to each other and he didnt try a thing. Alright, I admit...we did kiss. But it felt so very right and nothing about it was explicit. I woke up in his arms and the sun light warmly shining on his face made for a most beautiful morning. Once again we spent the day together and we indulged ourselves in the words of Boys II Men, Jill Scott, Indie Arie, and other soul-full music. We expressed ourselves...verbally and otherwise and eventually I decided to go home as to not get too carried away. I had a fine two days and thought I should leave it on a good note...a respectable good note.

"Not Everything is that Simple and Clean"
Its been almost 2 months since the last he wrote and almost 3 since the last we've talked. Infact, the last we've seen each other was also about 3 months ago...the day of our break-up...the day I said I wanted nothing more to do with him. My life has much since improved and I cant help but notice how much more focused I am. Everything seemed to be going fine and the natural order of things returned to its normal pace...and then yesterday he gets in contact with me...and the world around me slowed down. So much so, I had to give it a bit of a push to remind myself not to stop. To make a long story short, we spoke for hours and he asked to meet up with me. He claims he wont be doing anything for his birthday and says I'd be the perfect gift. *Seems more like the perfect drug if you ask me* Apparently things arent working out as well as he'd like them to and it appears as though he's resorting to me for lack of having something better to do. In any case, for reasonings of it being his birthday, which only happens once every four years, and not to mention, I do miss him, I agreed. However, Im not sure that was the best idea. Infact, if I were giving a friend advice on this situation I'd tell her not to go. But I guess I always was the type to give good advice and yet not take it.

*Hot Chicks Rule*
I saw *this chick* on Valentine's Day weekend and altogether she's given me 6 pairs of jeans that fit perfectly! She really just hooked my wardrobe up. *I like her* Also, we hung out this week-end as well...drove to New York and for the first time I had Japanese Food. I had a nice time and I really like her spontaneity. I mean, how could you not like someone who drives to another state just to get something to eat. And it turns out we have more in common than I thought. We share similar experiences that not too many people can relate too. Personally I think it'd be cool if we hung out more often but I want to wait until I finish school and start making money thats more expendable. I already have ideas of what I'd like to buy her and places we can go. I just hope she's still around for when I get out.