Peice of Shit
You know...I was hoping I'd have nothing upseting to say. Lately, I've been all about the misfortunes. However, needless to say, Im pissed. Today, *this guy's* mother finds a sheet of paper with my hand writing on it. Now instead of saying, Ok well this is my son's business or one of his friend's and I should just leave it where I found it, of course she decides to read it and discovers the baby's name that I had picked out if I were to ever have a baby girl with *this guy*. So he tells me what happened and I hear her in the back asking who's that? Im going to ask Adroit who that is next time I see her. So now Im over here pissed off because whether her grandchild or not, she just COMPLETELY ruined the surprise of introducing my future baby-girl's name to people when and if it gets here. Not only that but she has no excuse for her nosiness nor any right to pry and especially be bold enough to ask who that name belonged to. I dont mean to put her down cause I know she'd be one of the happiest people to know, but Im so very disappointed and I feel like I have to take extra precaution as to what I do now, because apparently we have people like that running around. So I wont even write anymore. I hope the world is happy now. I cant express myself, ideas, or feelings, because there are people like that, going through my things. Thanks for providing me with a good enough day to write a happy update. *Losers*

I Hate You All
Ok Ok, So here's the deal. I think the longer this kid is in me, the more Im gonna want to have it. Why do I hate you all, you ask? Well, because of your beautiful children...the children I know I can out do any day. I hate their existance, I hate your worthy husbands, and most of all I hate your happy homes. There..."I SAID IT!" Alright, so maybe its not that serious, but the other day I was talking on the phone with my neice and nephew, and then I did the hair of another one of my neices and started thinking of all the beautiful chldren in my life. Im only 20 years old and I already have 7 neices and nephews, 2 God-children, and a few children in other parts of my family who I really care for. It bothers sometimes to know that Im the last of my father's children and the only one who has none of my own. But at the same time, Im not complaining. I mean, I still do hate you all, but not enough to out do you purposely. I'll let that happen naturally and when the time is right.

Fuckin A Man, Fuckin A
Alright, so Im a little disappointed right now. I wanted to go out but planned a litte too late. Luckily Im going out tomorrow though. I've been so busy lately with trying to stay focused, maintaining a healthy relationship with my friends/family, and thinking of aborting this baby (if I find out Im pregnant, that is). Im so stressed, its not even funny. All I want to do right now is drink some hard liquor, smoke the fuck out, and crash at a friend's place. I have no stoges, no man, and no way to get out of this house tonight. I suppose it could be worse. At this moment I cant think of how, but Im sure it could be. I dont watch tv anymore, I rarely listen to the radio, and Im starting to see a best friend in my computer. Someone please...peel me off this fucking velcro seat and get me moving! I cant look at this screen anymore, I gotta gotta go. I'll update later.

Two Lost Souls...
I was suspecting that I was pregnant and I did some really heavy thinking the past few days. I always wanted a child when I was younger but now that Im older,Ireally want to be completely ready for it. Emotionally, mentially, bodily, financially, and then some. Its funny cause they say when you dream of fish, someone you know is pregnant. Well last night I dreampt of fish...A tank that had been filled to the top and one had jumped out. I went to go call my mother so she could put it back in but when I returned, my neice had picked it up and just as I statred to wonder, she grabed the part of the tail that spilts in two and ripped it until the insides started to show. I started yelling at her but by then I think it was too late. I ended up slapping her and to my surprise she showed no emotion. Anyway, I think this dream represented my pregnancy and the thoughts that I had of not having it. Again, I want to be fully prepared to feed my "family of five". So, I think I'll stick to school and get this hustle on right quick.

The Beautiful Ones
Well, here I am again. And yes, like always, I have a story to tell. There's a man in my life who really loves me and some time ago he proposed. My response Im sure wasnt to his liking since I really didnt take him seiously. Why? Well because we had been to chill wih each other to be thinking so seriously about one another, or so I thought. But thats not to say I had never secretly thought of ever begining a family with him. So some time had passed and he asked me two more times. Well, the last time I was awfully quiet and told him to ask me later, implying that I wasnt ready but that it doesnt sound like something I wouldt be up to. I just wanted to make sure it was right, you know? Later on I get my hands on his "ex-girlfriends" blog and she's happily calling him her husband. I spoke to him about it and he claims that essentially she's got issues that she needs to work out. Ok, I think, maybe so, cause I know I had an admirer who had some crazy issues with me but the thing is, I never let him get out of line. If he ever said something that I disagreed with, then I'd speak to him about it, making sure it didnt happen again. Anyway, what I didnt get was how when I brought up him telling her about our potential marriage he says that he needs to make sure Im not going anywhere first. Im like what?! I admit I usually am the type to just get up and go, but if I were to ever marry him I would obviously sit still or bring his ass wth me where ever I went. But he played HIMSELF out hard as hell by making that comment. To me, He pretty much said he was putting his potential future wife on hold for some broad who came after me, because he doesnt want to hurt HER feelings just incase I change my mind about the situation. So he would rather hurt Mine then to just be truthful to us both. Sometimes I feel like my strengths are being used against me because he knows that Im not a whinner nor do I cry but damn, thats only because I've surpressed them for so long I forget I even have feelings. But shit, the way I feel is like he should be trying to get those feelings out instead of using them for fuked up purposes. Anyway...Ima get outa here but as far as the title to this entry goes...it wasnt meant for one person anyway. (CHEEZE to all my ex-potentials and future potentials alike) Im out. ONE

Today's Agenda
I just came from spending the entire day with "this chick" and let me tell you...it was great. First off, of my 20, going on 21 yr. old life, I've never had a pedicure so she, her mom, and I all went to go do that and I liked it. I admit, I was a bleeder, but my nails came out nice. (Smile) I gotta french pedicure while she got her nails painted hot pink. After-wards we went back to the house and hung out for a little while until my guy friend returned. In the mean-time I spoke online with the mother of my God-son for a bit and we somewhat rekindled our relationship. Later on we went to this restaurant called Hibachis which is a Japanese Steak House and I ordered the Banzai Chicken and tried some of her Saki which is Japanese wine made from rice, served hot. Also, they cook the food on the very table you eat on. Talk about *hot*. I dont know what it is about that place but the huge fire was very exciting and spiritual which is liking to my taste and something about it made me wish "this guy" was there. If we were somehow capable of getting that place all to ourselves, I would definitely lay him down. *Oh yeah* Definitely. The cold outside and the warmth inside made for a feeling of longing to express myself in manners unimaginable to children. In short, I'd really like to go there again.

It was Fun I tell you, Damn Fun
Last night I went to a guy friend's house. We hung out for a while and "this chick" comes over because apparently her plans had gotten cancled for that night. So she was up for going out and we all decided on going to Friday's to get something to eat and concidering my love of alcohol, got something to drink as well. I had an Ultimate Long Island Iced Tea which consited of 4 alcohols combined into one drink and a few glasses of Bacardi. We spoke of being Bi and things of that nature and then we then engaged in talk of the past and how we all came to play our individual roles that we have today. It was a very interesting evening and as I smoked on a stog I thought to myself of how I actually got what I wanted. Remember I said I would have liked to hang out with this chick some time soon but had no money to waste at the time...? Well last night was on someone else's tab. Cool Beans or what?! In any case, I had a great night, spent with cool friends and not to mention the perfect amount of alcohol. Well Im gonna get out of here since I havent yet returned home. Peace.

Call Me Crazy
Does this make sense or is it just me? I've been knowing this guy, whom I love more than words can say, for about six years now and he'd really like to be with me almost as much as I'd like to be with him. However, there's a part of me that isnt physically attracted to him. So much so that I've always wanted to have children before but ever since the idea came up with having them with him, I think twice about it. *My mind wonders to a a far away place where my grimlin children are trying thier best not to get wet* Now dont get me wrong...this man is actually quite handsome but at the same time I do have feelings for him which may add on to his looks. He's already proposed to me quite a number of times and I keep refusing his offers. However, I was thinking...if he truly wants to be with me...perhaps I could simply not have children and marry this man for who I fell in love with...him. Not his physic, nor his our future children...just him. So what do you you all think? Sacrafice my children to give a man more a chance to become my husband and possibly have a beautiful future together...? Or Good Idea/Bad Idea...?

A Talk With My Shadow
Not to long ago, I was talking to a dear friend of mine who I was quite upset with for being too much like me. Odd...? Perhaps. But the truth of the matter is...after speaking to him about it, I learned that I wasnt really upset at him as much as it was that I was upset at the world for not seeing the diffrences between he and I. In actuallity, what really bothered me was how they only saw the difference in us enough to catorgorize us as being diffrent from them but to each other they saw us as like-wise. However, now I realize that it's on them to see what's actual and what's really there as oppose to me trying to show them how un-alike we really are. Now, Im really ok with the whole ordeal. It only means that they've read into us but not deep enough to see that we are completely two seperate beings. Me, having my own unique persona and him, the same. I now, can appriciate all of what they have read into and can understand all of what they havent. So, I'd like to apologize to that friend and add that I will try my best to not let things of this nature get to me as much as it has. I understand what was not understood and now I think them calling us simular was a compliment. (Smile)

The Convo
Adroit: My mother is currently making sounds of pain because her back hurts and I want to say: Would you shut the fuck up?! (She's so fucking annoying) Usually I laugh out loud when she hurts, but thats when she does something dumb like falls in the street from tripping over a man-hole and almost getting hit by a car. But when its not funny, its just pisses me off. *Hmm* I never thought of it before but *this guy* says perhaps I like visual comedy and I think he's right. Cause if I dont see it, I can usually imagine it, like the time she broke her toe and all I heard was "Ooo!" Then she tells me she wanted to call her brother to get a ride to the hospital and I wouldnt get off the phone cause I was talking to a friend and couldnt stop laughing. My friend thought that I was being mean and told me to just call him back and I said, Nah, its cool. I dont know...times like that are classic.