Deja Vu
I know I havent been here in a while, but Im here now. So quit your complain'in. I've got a story to tell. Alright so here's what's going on with me: I just recently started a new job, waitressing and cashiering, at a grand opening restaurant. I, however, was sent home and asked to come back when I got better concidering I blacked out, went deaf, felt a shortage of breath, and fainted. On the fall down, apparently I banged my head on the back of a metal table and twisted my ankle as well. When I left to go home I thought it to be a good idea that I buy a drink from a nearby store for the heat outside that I was about enter. And as I was paying for my purchase I blacked out and went deaf again. Luckily I didnt faint that time. I made it home safely and decided to give myself some time before I go back to work. On another note...During this time off, I found out that the only man I've ever been in love with is sleeping with another girl and oddly enough, Im perfectly ok with that since we're not together anymore...however, it bothers me that he seems to be reliving the same situation that he and I were in while still in high school when we first got together. Its weird and so unoriginal. It also goes to show...he hasnt changed. Infact, it seems kind of sad that he tries to play himself up as though he's this morally concious person who would never do the things he's done in the past and still doing now. But it's no business of mine. Actually I think its kind of funny. At the rate he's going it doesnt look like I'll ever be heart-broken over him finding that perfect someone. And I can live with that, lol. In other news...as we know today is the fourth of July and I turned down a night with *this guy* and his friends, to go down to the shore with my sister and hers. Speaking of which, I gotta get outa here. I'll update when I can. Happy Fourth.

Lounge Act
I forget exactly how the phrase goes but I'd like to open this entry up with a famous quote. It went something like: Play me a first time and youre a fool...play me a second time and Im the fool. That's how Im feeling right about now. You see the fact of the matter is the reason I broke up with this guy in December was because I found out he was still sleeping with his ex. And when I tried calling to talk to him about it, he acted as though I was doing something wrong by questioning him while he was currently around her. When I said I loved him he didnt say it back and when I expressed my hurt and anger to him, he asked my why I was acting as though this were a soap opera. After that...I knew that I was dealing with a monster. The funny thing about monsters is that everyone knows its going to cause harm and destroy something...and this why we always shoot to kill. But this man once told me that he felt he were a monster and I was the only one to give him a flower...and of course...I fell for it. I was led to believe that he found a sense of peace with me...I was led to believe that he respected me. And when I learned the truth about everything that was going on (and Im sure I dont even know the half), I couldnt believe I didnt take everyone's word for it when they tried to reveal the monster that he truely was...when they told it was for the best that we shoot to kill. And when I found out that everyone was right...I decided to just walk away. But apparently that wasnt enough because some time later, in Febuary infact...he got in contact with me and wanted to meet up. It just so happened that he wanted to meet up with him on his birthday. *Gee* I wonder why. But stupidly, I agreed and of course once we had seen each other again...we did alot of talking and I re-involved myself with him again. Him, promising that he wouldnt lie to me again or do anything behind my back and though I admit, I didnt fully trust him...I explained to him that I would give him another chance because I know that if I were in his position, telling the truth, I would like a chance to prove it to the person I honestly wanted to be with. And so I gave him that opportunity. But obviously he didnt deserve it because one month later, in April, four days after we got engaged, he fucked his ex again. And I just cant do it anymore. I cant give him the benifit of the doubt. I know now that he's not in love with me. And I cant honestly say that he respects me in the least. So I broke up with him. But to make matters worse, Im pregnant. Its funny because I used to have these dreams that I was pregnant with his child, before I actually became so, and in those dreams the baby would always be born as half demon...I never understood why. And after I broke up with him the first time whenever I dreampt of having a child with a future partner...the baby would always come out as a healthy human baby. I can only really guess but maybe it was a HUGE sign that he was no good for me... or the child I would bare if I were with him. And here I am now...in the exact position I dreampt of months ago. I am so tired of people being such assholes when it comes to me. And my trying to forgive them and understand them has only been making things worse. You see Im not the type of person to just give up on someone, but when they're only bringing me down and not trying to work with me at all...I just gotta let go, you know? And so once again...Im in this alone. My family and I dont get along...and my best friend stop living up to that title when he raped me years ago. I really think that at this point, Im starting to malfunction. I feel like I really need help but my pride wont let me ask. And I honestly dont think everything can be fixed. I really really hate him and whats more is that I hate myself. I think too many good aspects of what makes me who I am, has been wasted on non-deserving people. And I hate that I can sometimes be weak enough to cry about it. And I hate that I can be weak enough to not just move on and stop wasting my time. And I hate that I have any reason to hate myself at all...but I do. And I've never truely hated before now. And a small part of me can honestly say that I dont want him happy or sucessful. And I can only hope that the next one can see right through his ways and not ever want to deal with him. This may seem a bit fucked up, but at times I imagine future converstaions with friends and whatnot, possibly speaking of our ex's, and me completely denying ever having had been with him. And this wouldnt be to rub it in his face or anything...this would simply be because that relationship is now a complete embarassment. Truth be told, as beautiful as I am (and I dont just mean physically), he really never deserved me. I mean hell... when he first made me aware that he was interested in me...he was stepping on his very own best-friend's toes. And when I politely turned him down...years later he approached me while he was involved with someone...stepping on his very own girl-friend's toes. At the time I really didnt put all of this together but now I see that he has no respect for anyone. Why would I think he would ever respect me? Truth is...he doesnt. And though it be a shame that Im not happy with him...at least Im no longer hurting because of him. Now all I have to do is decide what Im going to do with this baby.

Something's Gotta Give
I dont know what's up with me and hanging out with these fucking clueless people. I think its past due time for me to get some new friends. Not only that but once I do obtain others that compliment my well being, Im not sharing them with a single person of the past. Everytime I gain a new friend, I try to introduce them to the rest of the people I know. I get them as comfortable and familiar with me, my friends, and family as possible. But the reason I wont allow this to happen next time is because the very man that I was considering to marry has placed me so distant from certain aspects of his life. Far enough away from his friends and certain family memebers that he was very well capable of cheating on me while I trusted that he was only going for visits to hang out. Not only that but whever I go someone or when something big is occuring, I always make sure to talk to him about it and even ask if he'd like to go. He, on the other hand, will make plans and wont even consider inviting me to certain gatherings. Now, if he needs to go shopping for his mom, oh Im the person to call up. But if he wants to chill at a party, Im the person he tells he'll talk to me after the week-end. The way I see it is "fine". Personally I really think he's not the problem...well not anymore anyway. I broke up with his ass after I found out that during one of these gatherings, he fucked his "ex-girl" and I could care less about the bull-shit he would try to feed me after I told him I wanted to leave. So now we're not together and I have absolutley no problem with that. I just know for next time that I'll keep my friends, family, and personal agenda to myself so if ever I were to go out, he, like me, would have no means of contacting anyone to find out where I was or what I was up to. See, the problem with me is that Im the kind of person that will trust a person until they have given me reason not to. But I think when it comes to finding another man, or even if I should ever become close with this guy again, Im definitely going to be on my toes. Simply because Im tired of giving 110 % when I'll be lucky if I recieve 50. But anyway, I miss chill'in with one of my boy's. I think I'll give him a call and see when's the next time we can chill. I know he'll show me a good time cause he always comes through. Especially on "Thursday Thursday!" LOL (inside joke). But listen, I gotta get outa here. The goal for this entry is to make as many new friends as possible. Once this is accomplished, just keep them to myself and be happy. I'll get at my girls and holla at my boys, you know? Shit doesnt go well with my man, fuck him, I'll call up the gang.

Loosing My Mind
So today, I wake up and notice that my Mother and Neice have missed work and school. *gee* This should be a fun family day, I think to myself. So I turn back around and force myself back to sleep. Unfortuntely, hours later, I wake up again and my stomach is killing me. To my surprise, its awfully quiet and before I could celebrate the possible death of my family, the phone rings. It was *this guy*. We talked for a while, but then his mother started bitching about a missing cigarrette and the next thing I know, there's a dial-tone. *Um...ok* So I go about my business, and decide to leave me room. Before I could turn the corner, I hear, in a great voice, "Hi Titi!" *Oh God, my head* I go into the kitchen *Oh God, my mother* I get on the computer and thats when it all begins. My niece decides she's going to put a puzzle shark into water. "And of course it needs salt in the water in order for it to live". "Um...niece person", I say. "Considering the shark isnt breathing, dont you think we should clean up this mess?" Oh no, she responds. "I'll make it breathe." *ahem* "Neice, the day you turn water into wine, is the day I'll rethink your limits". I go about my business, and before I know it...something sets it off: the yelling, the arguing, the fighting. *well at least they broke a record this time, usually I cant get in a single word.* Before I know it, my neice is talking back to my mother, my mother is theatening to punch her in the face, my stomach and head start hurting, and I loose it: "Would you two, shut the fuck up?! I swear if I had a gun, I'd shoot you both!" I then go on to say how disrespetful the neice is being and how immature the mother is. I calm myelf down and zone out to my pc. Ahh yes...my computer. Where would I be without it? The arguig continues and my mother is telling me that if I dont like the way she runs things, "There's the door". "The way you run things?!" I say. "Threatening to punch your grandchild in her face?!" She claims,"Well, I wasnt really going to do it". (So I think to myself, well at least Im not a liar. It just so happens that I dont have a gun.) So Im like whatever. I swear, the next time shit hits the fan, they better hope they can find me. I'm telling you, once I leave, Im not coming back, not even to visit. I gotta get outa this house. But anyway, where's *this guy* at? He hasnt called me back yet. I could imagine what he's going through. Come on...your mother arguing you about who smoked the last cigarrette. *Oh boy* It never truely ends.

Yall Niggas Just Dont Know
I miss living in Linden with my boy. Everything I ever wanted was right at my finger-tips (including my acrylic tips, lol). I had a FEW good jobs, so you know I was crazy paid. A place to stay in a good neighborhood, a female friend to chill with, my beautiful husband type, and TWO stashes: one for our weed and one for my money. *Oh yeah!* I'd really like to get these things again, but sometimes I feel like if I dont have a partner to ball with, then whats even the point, you know? But in anycase, I really hope I do get another partner in crime, or maybe even get my boy back. Who wants a newbie anyway? I stick with the pros, you know? I gotta make shit happen. Cause when I ball I like to go all out. You feel me? Here's a shot out to my people: To all my former and current ballers playing silo, hitting up the pool spot, skip'in town, doin it in the parking lot or the back of a car while your friend drives, smokin out, toastin out to gettin the fuck out of the fuckin projects, gettin gangsta with it so we can ball like there's no tomorrow...Get your luck charm (that was usually me), get the caddy, dont forget the Chronic 2001, I dont like to fuck around with guns but that dont mean nigga dont save me one! Get the trees, get the E, get the barbeques with the family and shit. Hit the clubs up, hit the bars up, hit ya peeps up and get cha 3-some! Chill with co-workers, chill with friends, chill with your girl, and hook up your man. LMAO! To all my ballers, save a seat for me, cause Im coming through soon as I get this money. ONE!

I Think The World Is Sick
Alright so hear this: Rules, regulations, religion, schooling, culture, etc. All of these factors and more take part in a huge attempt to take over the world. But we'll just call it organization so the people wont realize how gullable they really are. We were built to live and die and while we're waiting, we find things to do in the mean time. Like conquoring what somone else has established (this can range from the history of land to the everyday drug deals). Some run for a position which is closer to having more power, whether to make large amounts of money, or to make a large amount of destruction (in order to rebuild things how they'd like it). And then we have those, like myself, who recognize the insanity and realize that there really is no means of exscaping it. You either go with the current or swim against it, but you will play. Sit around and do nothing...they'll come for you and give you a job you dont want. Go for the job you want...they'll give you tons of competition and reason they couldnt hire you (if youre lucky enough to get a reason). Get the job you want...hope your spouse isnt cheating on you while your there. The point is...there's always something. And no, I dont mean something to worry about. Because even the most carefree people reognize the patterns. It isnt a paranoia of sorts...that really is how the world works. The sick part is, I truely believe it was made this way for a reason. What reason is that you ask? Well...so you have something to ocuppy yourself with instead of focusing on the truth. We may really have no purpose. Not a fan of God? Then how about asking your parents why each of them helped to create you. Just hope they didnt do it out of love, or even worse, you were an accident. Not a fan of the "meantime"...try to write yourself off but you better hope you dont wake up in a straight-jacket. Oh and by the way, I would NEVER recommend suicide. Im making a point here people. This world is sick, and if youre not sick too, I'll be the first to warn you...its contagious.

Jeeeah!!!!
Alright so, my boy hooked me up. He got me out of the house, even though I hadnt planned on going anywhere, and we had a good time. Got something to drink, felt a little tipsy, went at it for a while, and slept over. Its halarious cause he's got this HUGE hickey on his face now because of me. LMAO! Thats gotta be the worst. And to top it all off, he wasnt even mad at me. And even if he was, he took it like a champ and didnt say so. Im hungrier than a mother-fucker and he just got me something to eat. Thats my heart right there. You just dont know. I'd be so pissed off if we werent friends in the end. I mean, I think we could handle not being a couple, but if we werent dealing with each other anymore, for whatever reason, that would really be fucked up. But I trust that neither of us are going anywhere. I mean this boy went to another fucking state and came back. I went to another fucking state and came back. And with no contact information, I hunted his ass down. CHEEZE. And now we're together again. However I told him that if he ever left again, I wont track him down a second time! This one is for my boy. I love you.

Peice of Shit
You know...I was hoping I'd have nothing upseting to say. Lately, I've been all about the misfortunes. However, needless to say, Im pissed. Today, *this guy's* mother finds a sheet of paper with my hand writing on it. Now instead of saying, Ok well this is my son's business or one of his friend's and I should just leave it where I found it, of course she decides to read it and discovers the baby's name that I had picked out if I were to ever have a baby girl with *this guy*. So he tells me what happened and I hear her in the back asking who's that? Im going to ask Adroit who that is next time I see her. So now Im over here pissed off because whether her grandchild or not, she just COMPLETELY ruined the surprise of introducing my future baby-girl's name to people when and if it gets here. Not only that but she has no excuse for her nosiness nor any right to pry and especially be bold enough to ask who that name belonged to. I dont mean to put her down cause I know she'd be one of the happiest people to know, but Im so very disappointed and I feel like I have to take extra precaution as to what I do now, because apparently we have people like that running around. So I wont even write anymore. I hope the world is happy now. I cant express myself, ideas, or feelings, because there are people like that, going through my things. Thanks for providing me with a good enough day to write a happy update. *Losers*

I Hate You All
Ok Ok, So here's the deal. I think the longer this kid is in me, the more Im gonna want to have it. Why do I hate you all, you ask? Well, because of your beautiful children...the children I know I can out do any day. I hate their existance, I hate your worthy husbands, and most of all I hate your happy homes. There..."I SAID IT!" Alright, so maybe its not that serious, but the other day I was talking on the phone with my neice and nephew, and then I did the hair of another one of my neices and started thinking of all the beautiful chldren in my life. Im only 20 years old and I already have 7 neices and nephews, 2 God-children, and a few children in other parts of my family who I really care for. It bothers sometimes to know that Im the last of my father's children and the only one who has none of my own. But at the same time, Im not complaining. I mean, I still do hate you all, but not enough to out do you purposely. I'll let that happen naturally and when the time is right.

Fuckin A Man, Fuckin A
Alright, so Im a little disappointed right now. I wanted to go out but planned a litte too late. Luckily Im going out tomorrow though. I've been so busy lately with trying to stay focused, maintaining a healthy relationship with my friends/family, and thinking of aborting this baby (if I find out Im pregnant, that is). Im so stressed, its not even funny. All I want to do right now is drink some hard liquor, smoke the fuck out, and crash at a friend's place. I have no stoges, no man, and no way to get out of this house tonight. I suppose it could be worse. At this moment I cant think of how, but Im sure it could be. I dont watch tv anymore, I rarely listen to the radio, and Im starting to see a best friend in my computer. Someone please...peel me off this fucking velcro seat and get me moving! I cant look at this screen anymore, I gotta gotta go. I'll update later.