AIRLINE JOKES

Pilot - Tower communications

AIRCARGO TRACKING - HOME

Tower (at Stuttgart): Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
Pilot: This is exactly like Frankurt. It's either 210 or 170. Never anything else; but we are soo flexible ...
Tower: So are we. Reduce to 173 knots.

Tower: Phantom - formation crossing control district without clearance, state your call sign!
Pilot: I'm not silly...

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

Pilot: Condor 471, I'm waiting for my Follow-me.
Tower: Negative, see yourself how you get to gate one-oh ... -

Tower: Delta Delta Whiskey, use taxiway zero-two-nine Charlie and Mike to proceed to gate one-two.
Pilot: Ah...taxiway zero-two-nine ...?
Tower: That's the small one to your left; you've just passed it.
Pilot: Sorry
Tower: Don't worry, take taxiway Mike.
Pilot: Ah, ...Mike ?
Tower: That will be the last one, just before the end of the runway ...

Pilot: Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS one-six.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land one-six, wind 5 knots zero-zero degrees and by the way: this is Vienna Tower.
Pilot: (After a little while) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!
Pilot: (After a little while) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna
Pilot: But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left heading oh-three-oh and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.

Tower: Shamu two-two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

LH741: Tower, give me a rough time check
Tower: It's Thursday, Sir.

Tower: Swissair eight-oh-nine, turn left heading directly for Trasadingen VOR. Do you need a radar vector ?
Pilot: Negative, we are receiving VOR. It's directly where the moon stands.
Tower: I couldn't say, I don't have the moon on my radar.

Pilot: Frankfurt information, this is Delta Bravo Zulu. We're over Dinkelsbuhl flight level nine-five.
Tower: Delta Bravo Zulu, you're requested to call Munich information!
Pilot: I know, but I find your programme more exciting.

Tower: DE..., turn downwind for runway two-six, you're number two behind a DC-9 turning base leg.
Pilot: DE..., turning downwind for two-nine, following a DC-6.
Tower: Not quite: Runway is two-six, traffic a DC-9.
Pilot: Roger, follow a DC-26 ... what was the runway?

Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level one-hundred.
Tower: Negative, Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level six-zero and maintain.
Pilot: But four plus six equals ten, no?
Tower: You're to climb, not to add.

Pilot: Apron, Interflug 195, requesting start-up.
Apron: Sorry, Interflug 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?
Pilot: As always on Monday, we're flying to Leipzig.
Apron: But it's Tuesday today!
Pilot: What? Tuesday is our day off!

Pilot: Tower, there's a runway light burning.
Tower: I'm sure there must be dozens of lights burning.
Pilot: Sorry, I mean it's smoking.

Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...

Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're number one, check for workers on the taxiway.
Pilot: Roger ..... We've checked, they're all working.

Tower: Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
Pilot: Say again.
Tower: Squawk 0476.
Pilot: Four, zero...?
Tower: Do you need an easier one?

Tower: Delta Bravo Charlie, your squawk is really seven-zero-four-six?
Pilot: Affirmative.
Tower: I'll send you an excavator, your heigth is minus nine-zero feet.

Tower: Lufthansa eight-six-one-oh cleared for take-off.
Pilot (LH 8610): We haven't landed yet.
Tower: Who's lined up on two-six south?
Pilot (LH 8801): Lufthansa eight-eight-oh-one.
Tower: Well, YOU're cleared for take-off then.

Tower: Delta Mike Zulu, after landing cleared to taxi Alpha seven, Alpha five, Whiskey two, Delta one and Oscar two.
Pilot: Where the hell's that, we're not that familiar with this port?
Tower: Don't worry. I'm new here, too.

Tower: Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you.
Pilot: Roger. Looking out for John Wayne.

Tower: Flamingo 019, do you have a Springbock in sight, twelve o'clock five miles crossing from left to right ?
Pilot: If you mean a 737...?
Tower: Yeah, you got it, you got it !

Pilot trainee: Lichtenfels info, DEITN, turning base right for runway two-two for go and touch.
Tower: DEITN, I got a request: Please first touch and then go.

Tower: You have traffic at ten o'clock, six miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

Tower: Mission triple-three, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel..

Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM two-four-two request start up and push back, please.
Apron: KLM two-for-two expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Apron: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!

Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) : Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to a stop): Assume the Pilot-in-Command was the dog ?

Pilot: FLX three-zero, Tower, we're running out of fuel, please advise!
Tower: What's your position, I don't have radar contact!
Pilot: We're lined up for runway two-nine and would like to know where the fuel truck is.

Tower: Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back.
Pilot: GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.

Tower: Cannot read you, say again!
Pilot: Again!

Tower: What's your heigth and position?
Pilot: Well, I'm 6 foot tall and I'm sitting front left.

Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot.

The following story was told by Salvatore Baia, a pilot who was waiting in his Cessna for take-off clearance one fine morning at Zurich Airport. The situation was this: Weather: clear, visibility: good. Take-off runway was two-eight, landing runway one-six, alternate one-four.

Tower: Alitalia 194, you are cleared to taxi to runway two-eight; line up and hold. Expect take-off clearance shortly.
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to two-eight-a and hold-a
after 30 seconds ... Tower: Alitalia 194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need-a preflight checks
again 30 seconds later ... Tower: ALITALIA ONE-NINE-FOR, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off-a in two minutes ...

In the mean time: runway one-six had a 737 with a wheel emergency and was blocked. All traffic had to use one-four. An approaching 767 from Cincinnati was guided downwind to land on two-eight. Its crew had been airborne for more than eight hours ...
Tower:Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have a Delta 767 on final two-eight 2 miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need-a dirty more-a seconds...
DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off now or I'll fuck you from behind!

... and AZ194 was taking off - gracefully like a Space Shuttle...