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ok, today is my birthday, and for a day thats sposta be happy, it royally BLOWZ! god who knew birthdays could be so lame and depressing?!...well, honestly...i did. and for all of u who like ur birthdays, well u can just fuck off becuz no1 wants to hear frum the happy ppl. btw, u suck! (that wuz to the happy ppl) yes, incase u didnt alredy kno this, i HATE happy ppl...actually, i hate almost everything happy....speshly happy poetry....its fucking stupid. however, i DO like one very happy person, becuz hes amazing in so many ways....hes basically the only happy thing i like....'cept sara, shes ok too. if i sound like a bitch, get over it...i usually do, its a favourite pass-time of mine. i find that bitching at and blaming others is a gr8 way to get out anger...that, and hitting things, namely my stereo, which is now cracked since i called it a stupid piece of shit and punched it. if ur wundering if i like being pissed off, the answer to that is....honestly, i dont kno. ive been so bitchy with so much pent up anger and rage against the world for so long, i cant fucking think str8. i never really usta be this way, but u kno, wen u turn 15, and u realize ur father duznt want u and ur basically a loner in ur own family, u tend to be just a little bit on-edge. so yea...birthdays are gr8...just another occasion to realize ur "dad" duznt want nething to do with u...god family blowz...i wish i cud leave, and just live on my own...only, of course, if i had the means to do so, which i most definitely do not.so im stuck at home, and ppl wunder y i am the way i am...ppl suck...alot... sare, so now u know where the "emotion" in my poetry comes frum hey? well...i think i pretty much covered that, but w/e, i reely dont care much. i remember sitting thru that "mission possible" assembly, wen it sed "every1 can reach the point of saying 'i dont care'.." thinking no, i couldnt, ill always care about wut im doing, and how my grades are etc.. but now, im not so sure. take my math midterm for example...i didnt do well on it, and i dont give a flying fuck. im taking it again next yr so i can get credits neway right? well, wut if i start thinking like that for evrything?!...its frickin weird thinkin this way, cuz its so unlike me. but oh well....ive reached that point of "i dont fucking care, so piss off before i hit you" yea, life is just wonderful hey?!...yea i thot so too! ill upd8 l8r...
ok, im back to bitch again! yes, lucky, lucky u...u getta hear me vent about the stupid shit in my life...today, for example, i failed my math midterm. literally. yea...47%...great huh?! ive NEVER failed nething, and if i sound like a prep saying that, too fucking bad, becuz im proud to get str8 a's, partly becuz i dont even hafta work for them. i still cant beleev he gave me a fucking f. god oakes pisses me off! he didnt give us nearly enuff time to complete the exam, and so now, i failed...this shud bring my mark down to a nice C+ or possibly even a c...if that happens, im goin to be so fucking mad at him (moreso than now) for not letting us finish. it iznt fair for him to stand there and talk to us fer 15 minitz, and then take forever to hand out the test papers, wen he sed wed have the whole block to WRITE the test. so, now i fail...this is complete fucking bullshit, and now im gunna get yelled at for not getting a good mark, and now he likely wont even let us rewrite the exam. so, im basically fucked...i cant say im reely surprised at his actions, becuz hes oakes, and well, hes a dumass. im not taking it as hard as i thot i wud, becuz frankly, i almost expected to fail. however, i did feel like i wanted to cry tho...like i have never failed nething in my life, and then i go and fuck up this test. gr8 job me!!! fuck life blowz...god if only i had courage....k nvm, i wont go there again, a fucking math test isnt worth more stress and shit, i have quite enuff of that in my life. well, i guess thats enuff for this minit, ill upd8 later...
hey ppl, 'manda here again. okies...well, i came home frum combo practice today, to find a letter frum Asshole...aka my "father" NEway....asshole wants me to go to california to visit him, and he's using my little sister that i havent spoken to since she wuz 3 as a bribe....i dont kno wut to say...he sed hed call me on my birthday....which wuz 2 days ago...he still hasnt called...according to this card he sent me, he "misses me very much, and hopes he can see me either this summer or at krismas..." fucking dumass, i cant take his stupid bullshit nemore...altho yelling at him wud certainly help alotta shit for me, seeing my little sister wud be the most important reason for me going there...i mean, y the hell shud i go visit sum1 who didnt want a thing to do with me all my life, until now, wen he feels guilty so he decides to barge in on my life? NO FUCKING WAY! he can just go fuck himself, becuz he duznt mean nething to me...i wudnt be writing this, tho, if i wuznt debating going....actually, no...seeing as i h8 him, and i hafta help miss closkey, im NOT going, he can just deal with the guilt...i realize now, that it IZ his loss, and ive spent far too many years wundering wut's wrong with me, wen its his problem. i dont care nemore...i mean sure, it kinda stings to kno ur parent only wants to contact u cuz hes feeling a touch guilty...but i dont care, after all the yrs of torture and hell he put me thru, he can fucking feel guilty. how sad is that?...my teacher is a hell of alot more important to me than my father! HA! hes sucha dumass...but im thru questioning myself, and stressing myself out to the point of nausea over him, and y he left and shit cuz honestly, he is NOT worth ne second of it. miss closkey is WAY more important to me, and her getting her masters degree, and doing well on her presentation is a hell of alot more important than going to spend time with the sperm doner that seems to think hes my father. i mean hell, DOUG has been more of a father to me than my biological "dad" has been. god, at least doug knows wen my fucking birthday is. and even if he duznt, he still duz more to help me than asshole duz. and the thing that REALLY pisses me off, is that he KNOWZ that i wud want to go to see my sister, becuz i havent seen her in so long. like GOD he is so manipulative and godammit he makes me mad! like grow the fuck up u stupid fucking moron!!! u'd think hed realize i h8 his fat ugly guts by now, but noooo, he still seems to think im the pleasant little girl he ditched over 14 yrs ago. well, hes in for a big shock!...or maybe not, considering i wont talk to him or visit him, so theres really no way hed find out wut im like...and my mom wont talk to him eether. maybe i shud write him a letter, and tell him to like fuck off and never talk to me again...oooh that plan sounds more and more appealing to me every second i think about it...or! maybe i shud ask for my step mom's phone# so i can call my sisters, and THEN tell him to fuck off and never talk to me again! oooh that sounds like a very good plan! *grins*
ok this is the first non-super-pissed entry on this page...lol today im havin a little mini party hehe mini...neway...were gunna watch lion king 1 and a half (YAY!) and under the tuscan sun lol *gasps* i shud get shrek too!!!!!!!! lol srry i luv kids movies:P haha so yea...im bored until then, but i cant w8!...oh and i HAFTA beat sara at crazy 8's and poker lmmfao ok, thats all fer now, im freaking myself out with all this happiness....ill upd8 l8a
this is very random...well not really, considering im eating pizza...but pizza is really yummy...i cudnt thinka nething else to say....hmm....OH OH!!! i have gym tomorow ^_^ woo-hoo!...ok im dun fer right now...i hafta go raid the fridge fer more pizza lol...upd8 l8a.
miss closkey is so cute hey sare?! haha shes so little and funny, 'member sare...YAY! hahah she looked just like a little girl at christmas, it wuz so koot! hahaha she did that today in gym too haha shes kool. ok....wut else to write...oh i sent Asshole an email...i wunder if he got it yet...not that i care a lot, im just kinda anxious to get his reaction frum it...the ppl i showed it to were like "wooo..." my cuzin even cried lol....i wunder if asshole will cry...hmm...who knoz...i hope its like a huge reality check for him. and at the very least i want a phone # where i can reach my sisters at. lol it wuz so funny in gym class today...lol hey k8y? i wuz talkin to Closkey, and i wuz like "yea i feel bad about the email i sent my dad. i basically sed HA! my teacher is more important than u!" (to asshole in the letter lol) and she wuz like amanda! lol she almost spit out her water she wuz drinking lol. it wuz so funny. ooh i shud post the letter i wrote to him...u can read it, and leave comments in the guestbook if u feel so inclined...
asshole's letter ok this is a random thought unless you're k8y or sara...hehe gym class wuz VERY good today *grins* ill leev it at that...k8y & sara kno wut im tokin about ~_^
ok, since this isnt technically BITCHING about sumthing, i cant put it on the bitch-ful page. ok...here goes...earlier today i had like an emotional fricking breakdown...ok it wuznt THAT extravagant, but i like started crying for no fucking (or kcuffing lmao sare) reason. i let my mom and gramma read asshole's letter and i like read it over again and i like started bawling...it wuz frickin messd, but i just like HAD to cry...ok, im dun fer now.
ok, today's entry is about teachers. yes, the dreaded ppl u hafta go to skool and see EVERY FREAKING DAY! srry...neway, not ALL teachers are bad (sara, k8y, anna...say nething and DIE!). in fact, sum are pretty kool ppl...who knew?!?!?... take miss closkey fer example. shes an awsum teacher...shes so cute and little hey sare? lol and mrs hoek is awsum too...granted, she may have a few odd issues, but then again, who duznt?! mr sodaro is an awsum guy, and i STILL can throw a fucking frisbee! lmao...turc is kool...haha french rock kix ass, hey sare?! haha lets see who else...well...theres oakes, but hes just a dumass mosta the time...hmm...haha mr greedy! lol yea sare, i think "gnome" really is the best word ^_^ haha sara YAY! as miss closkey put it hahaha that wuz so cute : P ok, neway...ABOUT teachers in general...well summa them...they can be so fricking annoying! like (EWEWEWEWEW!) belinski...hes sucha creepy old man!...k thats a lie, hes a creepy old PERVERTED man. then theres like barrett and bartlett *pukes* theyre so fucking gay i cant stand them! yuck! i h8 how sum teachers are like so strict and controlling...i h8 ppl who think theyre the boss...unless theyre me lol...ppl who think theyre "all that" and boss ppl around are just stupid. i h8 strict teachers...pfft stupid teachers...lmao sare. well..im bored of typin this so ill upd8 l8a
ok, today im gunna write about suicide. its soo sad. my moms frend is like near that point right now, and im so scared for her. having been there myself, i know what kinda thoughts shes dealing with. altho ive never been married with kids, i kno how it feels to not be worthy of nething, etc. shes under so much stress that she took a buncha pills. its so so so sad. now that i see how sad death is fer the people who care about u, i wunder how i cudda ever imagined killing myself. its horrible to watch one of the people closest to ur heart go thru such hell, but unfortunately, no1 can stop it but her. u dont realize how bad the situation is, or how bad it can get until u see sum1 else go thru it. ppl think that itll never happen to them, and that no1 they kno will ever committ suicide, they just dont realize that evry1 can slip into depression. and just becuz sum1 has a bubbley personality, doesnt mean they arent sad about sumthing...there are many signs that are easy to read to tell if sum1 is suicidal: 1. they give away their most valuable, or meaningful possessions w/o a 2nd thought 2. theyre really incredibley happy then really incredibley sad then really incredibley happy again 3. theyll tend to want to be alone more and more often. 4. they get very moody, and edgy. these are only a few of the signs. plz, i beg u to watch out for ne number of these signs in the ones u care about...and even the ones u dont. reading these signs and getting help erly saves lives.
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