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hi. im writing to say that i got your email from the other day, and the birthday card that you sent a while back. i had previously written you another email, and debated about whether or not to send it. after finally sending it, i realized the address was wrong. it worked out for the best, i suppose; it gave me the chance to write this one. plus, if you had read the previous email, its highly unlikely you'd still want me to come and visit with you and Kaylie. the email was rather long, and quite emotional for me. not that you would know anything about how i feel, seeing as the most current line of communication between us is a reply to an email i sent over two years ago. well, guess what? ive grown up alot since then. so, in my new state of "maturity", ive decided to ask some questions that ive had for quite some time now. such as, why dont you ever call me or write to me? why havent you made any effort whatsoever to keep in touch with me? and, most recently, why have you suddenly taken an interest in having me come to visit after 5 years? i mean, i realize that its expensive to call or send letters all the time, but a 3 minute phone call or a short note in the mail every few weeks would certainly not put you into bankrupcty. and just so you understand, i havent been contacting you because i thought you didnt want anything to do with me. honestly; i thought that, because you hadnt called, that you didnt want me in your life and it was just more convenient for you not to have to deal with me. so i didnt try. i was terrified at being rejected by my own father. these worrisome thoughts actually got SO intense and SO bad, that i got really depressed, and i seriously considered suicide. and that is NOT acceptable for a 15 year old girl just because her "father" decides to make her life a living hell. its not fair to me, or to the people around me. luckily enough for me, i have wonderful cousins and friends who talked me out of killing myself. i am doing much better now, no thanks to you. i taught myself to deal with the pain, and anger, and hate towards you, instead of hiding from it, and just trying to forget about it. you cant just heal emotional wounds by conveniently "forgetting" about them, and trust me, ive tried. i couldnt see what was so horrible that my own father wouldnt speak to me..was i too stupid? too ugly? too fat? what the hell was SO bad that my dad wouldnt have contact with me? i would bawl and bawl because i just couldnt figure it out. so i would pick at every little detail of myself, wondering where i went wrong. until the point i just couldnt stand this emotional crap that i didnt need, or want for that matter, at my age. i basically had two options...1. continue feeling like shit, and eventually kill myself, or, 2. get over it, forget about you, and move on with my life, and dealing with the pain. so i chose #2. and if ur sitting and finding this hard to read, imagine how hard it is to write. imagine how hard my life has been. i mean, i barely even know you. the few times we have spoken, or seen each other, it was complete bullshit. it was all a lie. all the sweet passive crap was what i used to put up a wall around how i was actually feeling. granted, it wasnt the best thing to do, but it was the easiest. so how do you really think ive been doing all these years? how much of a sweet, perfect daughter do you think i am now? im willing to bet this email certainly wont help our relationship. if anything, itll likely repel you even more. but, if thats how you want to be, fine. i dont want to be in contact with someone who dosnt want me. thats just fine; ill surround myself with people who DO care about me. but, if i am wrong, which im willing to admit may be the case, then you have to prove it to me. the ball is in your court now. its up to you to prove that you want to see me, and that you DO care about me, and that youre not just asking me to come see you so that you have a babysitter for Kaylie. because im done with feeling not good enough, and im finished with being helpless. im sorry that this is hard to accept for you, but i am most certainly NOT sorry that it is a rude awakening. its about time you removed the rose coloured glasses through which you look at our relationship, or rather, the lack there of. i realize this letter may be slightly immature, but i think we both have a lot of growing up left to do. i appreciate you reading this letter, and i hope that you will send a reply with the answers to my questions, even if thats the last i hear from you. thank you. good-bye.
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