entry 1-

in my first entry, ill let u in on a certain dilemma ive been having. it all started not too long ago, wen i found out that my dad was diagnosed with cancer. hes been wanting me to go and visit him in the States for quite some time now, but i just cant force myself to go. if ur wondering why a simple visit to my dad seems like sucha big deal, heres why: wen my mom was pregnant with me, he did sum, well, not-so-nice things to her. i wont go into too much detail, but none of it was good. (unless of course u consider pushing a pregnant woman down a flight of stairs, or holding a broken wine glass to her neck good...). he never really had much of an interest in me until about 8 yrs ago. i wuz a young impressionable child of only 7 the first time i had met the sperm doner, otherwise known as my father. i traveld down to the States, and stayed with him for about three weeks...being only 7 yrs of age, i was extrememly homesick, and longed to be back with my mom in Canada. after seeing how scared and sad i was, he decided he didnt want nething to do with me for the next 3 yrs of my life...then it happend all over again wen i wuz ten. i went down there, hated being there, and wanted to go home. five yrs later, he decides to contact his increasingly independent daughter. he thinks that we can have a relationship that never existed and continue like everything's fine and dandy....which IZNT the case...now that i found out he has cancer, i dont know whether i should go visit him just becuz hes sick, or if i shud stick to my guns, and continue on with my life, and push him outta my mind...after all that hes put me thru (most of which i havent even begun to scratch the surface on) i cant seem to face him...however, im afraid he might "kik the bucket" without me ever trying to discover what could have or should have been...i cant make a decision...what wud u do?