1. Are you sure you want to do this?

Posting a weblog or any kind of personal web page should be fun. If you are not having a good time, why bother? If you are doing this for reasons other than personal satisfaction, chances are you will be disappointed. If you're not having fun putting it together, how can you expect other folks to have a good time reading it?

2. Take a good look around at what everyone else is doing and then DO SOMETHING ELSE.

Find a niche or a voice or an angle, something to differentiate yourself from the crowd. For example, why post links to stuff that has already been linked EVERYWHERE ELSE? In order to be the same? How exciting! A sure-fire way to attract legions of readers and die-hard fans-- by doing exactly what everyone else is doing!

I'm not saying that you should never dabble in meme-spreading, but be selective and try to add your own spin to the thing.

Take chances. We'll all thank you for it later.

Ed Note: Only at tip #2 and already we have a problem! For while I'm telling you to be "different" and "original," it seems that I'm like the 57th weblogger to write about weblogging. To be honest, I was a bit skeptical of the essays posted on the Weblog Madness resource page, but having just sampled a few of them, I see that there is some good advice being dispensed there.

3. Fuck the numbers.

Fuck traffic, fuck hits, fuck beebo. It's all hogwash.

Many of the best sites out there are under-read, under-rated or undiscovered. Use your "poor standing" as motivation to KICK SOME ASS. Show those fuckers what they are missing out on. Post unique, original stuff and people will notice you. Until then, let spite be your best friend, your muse, your raison d'etre. Walk around with a big ol' chip on your shoulder cause you're doing a bang-up job, even if nobody has noticed. Be proud to be a hip, underground weblog, read only by a few in the know. I would not trade a handful of readers I respect and like for 10,000 hits a day from people just following the herd.

Now if it were 50,000 a day, that might be something different, but until then...

I would rather have an original, not so well known blog that I was having fun with and could be proud of than to have a Big Fat Famous Weblog that was posting crap. Wouldn't you? Obscurity is not something to be sought after but it does offer some advantages. Use them while you can.

(Ed. note: If you are a Big Famous Brand Name Weblog, I am not talking about you. I'm talking about the other Big Famous Brand Name Weblogs. Just so long as we're clear about that.)

4. Getting noticed.

That being said, if you want to have more than just a few friends and co-workers reading your blog (mainly out of sympathy I assure you), you have to give some love to get some love. Every now and then, post links to some of the weblogs you most enjoy. Send fan mail to bloggers you admire. And by fan mail, I don't mean something lame like, "Would you link me on your huge stupid ass page of weblog links."

Try something like, "Hey. I really like what your doing. I too have a weblog. Maybe sometime when you get a chance you could check it out." If you are really daring, maybe you don't ask them to read yr crap but just include a subtle little link in the signature to peak their interest.

Also, when sending email, try to be funny and demonstrate some familiarity with what they are doing. Flattery doesn't hurt either, but be sincere. Try to figure out what it is you like about their style.

You do have a style right? If you're not sure, you'd better check it out. Style helps. My personal style is "corny and pretentious; a profound arrogance hiding behind a fig leaf of false modesty; spineless; half-smart."

5. Do not expect anything in return for linking to someone.

Can we please just stop this nonsense right now? If the Weblog Spirit moves you to mention on yr blog that such and such linked you, then go ahead. After all, its your freaking blog and you should post whatever you like. But I think it's best to not expect anything in return. Often I have too much respect for a weblog that has linked me to post a reciprocal link. Doing so cheapens the whole thing, no? Allow the person who linked you to be generous. In turn, maybe you will consider linking to someone else, hopefully a weblog that is under-read or not well known.

If you are generous, others will be genrous towards you.

Linking to another weblog to get their attention = Good

Linking to another weblog in the expectation of getting linked back = Pathetic

I mean, do you really want someone to link to you just because you linked to them first? We should all have to earn our links. Otherwise, this whole thing just becomes an embarassment.

6. More on getting noticed.

Once in a while it may be a good idea to post some original content that you've created. I think you will find that people will be very generous in their praise for whatever crap you come up with. I mean, did you see that half-assed piece on the MTV awards I posted? You did? SEE! Some people even said nice things about it. But I don't hold that against them.

Maybe they thought it was funny. Maybe they were just being nice. There's nothing wrong with being nice and truth be told, I will look for ways to be nice in return, hopefully without being too obvious.

7. Hire some thugs to kick the crap out of you and steal your car then brag about it on your weblog.

Seeing as this has already been done, add your own spin to this idea. For example, you could set yourself on fire! Be creative!

7. Mix it up a little.

Every now and then check to make sure your schtick isn't getting stale. Avoid formulas. If you find you are only linking to Salon or Wired or newspaper articles, try to include some other kinds of links. If I have to explain what I mean by "other kinds of links" then maybe you should consider doing something other than a weblog.

Of course, Salon and Wired are both fine publications.

8. Confidence is sexy.

Have some opinions. Have a spine. Don't be afraid to have your own opinions, no matter how unpopular you think they might be; we may surprise you. Avoid easy targets. Avoid the obvious. Avoid cheap shots. Don't be afraid to admit what you like.

That being said, don't be an asshole. Arrogance is just plain ugly. Now it may seem that I break this "don't be a conceited asshole" rule all the time, but that's only because I am one charming and brilliant motherfucker. And don't you forget it. Ever.

If you don't believe me, perhaps its time you reacquainted yourself the beebo weblog ratings, which I would link here, but, well, you know where it is.

9. See Tip #3.

Seriously. Don't get all caught up in it. If the numbers make you feel good, fine. If they gnaw at you night and day and are threatening to make you a bitter person, please, leave it alone.

Do I find the ratings interesting and a good place to check out other weblogs? Yes. Do I take it seriously? Please.

Special Metascene Insider Bonus Tip! If you get a chance to take the beebo guy out to dinner, by all means, do so.

10. Some general suggestions.

--Play reporter once in a while. Research under-reported stories and do some leg work for your readers. Find an angle that no one, including mainstream press, has reported on.

--Link to original sources of infomation. Also, share your sources, especially if they are other weblogs. You may want to keep a few cheat sheets to yourself, but let us in on a few good ones you've found.

--Resist the urge post a blurb about every time you get up from your desk to go to the bathroom or to get a soda. Please. You must be strong for all of us. If, however, while you are in the bathroom some insane person starts barking at you, then you may feel free to post something about that.

--Once in a while remind yourself that just because it happenned to you does not necessarily make it interesting.

--People like links about monkeys, robots, sexual perversion, and any combination thereof. Well, at least I do. I cannot stress this point enough. More robot monkey sex links please.

--Once in a while remind yourself that you are not only as good as your last update. There will be time enough...

--Link to independent type things, ie personal pages, zines, sites a bit off the beaten path. We'll all thank you for it. I'm not saying not to post to well-known national publications and such, but mix it up once in a while. Support independent media-- if you don't, who will?

--Quality, not quantity is job one. (Unless you're an auto maker and you can find a way to cut some corners on manufacturing tires.) Sometimes, if you post a billion links, some of the good ones that maybe you worked hard to find, will get lost in the clutter. Don't shoot yourself in the foot by burying the link. (Unless its out of spite, in which case you're on your trip and don't need any of this advice anyway.) If you want people to click on the links, you have to do a little selling. I'm lazy so I use a lot of pull-quotes but I try to mix it up some.

Also, posting good entries is more important than posting every friggin day. This is not to say you shouldn't post every day, just that you don't have to. That being said, if you know you will be taking an extended leave of absence, its nice to let your readers know.

--There is no accounting for taste. These are just some random thoughts about some qualities I like in a weblog. There are many fine weblogs that specialize in stuff I know nothing about or am not that interested in or that have taken another approach to weblogging. Which is fine. Even if I don't read those logs everyday, I like to check in every now and then just to see what's up.

11. Break some rules.

Editors note: I guess if I had any kind of spine I'd list a few of my favorite weblogs here. However, I feel that such a list would serve mainly to upset those fine folks that I failed to include, which could in turn jepordize my lofty beebo standing. I am after all, beginning to make friends in high places and God knows I don't want to screw that up.

I thank you for understanding.

metascene