Worst Direction Award

The 2000 MTV Video Music Awards show.

Although the VMA Awards still suck a little less than the Grammys, with this year's effort, MTV shows they're ready to give the Grammys a serious run for their money.

You wouldn't think that MTV would be able to find a host that could do a worse job than Chris Rock did last year, but you gotta hand it to those Wayans brothers. During the many prolonged silences between their "jokes" I found myself thinking, "Maybe Chris Rock didn't do such a bad job after all." Ironically, the best bit they did was the Chris Rock impression. They should have done the whole show as Chris Rock. Oh alright, I guess that Macy Gray spoof was sorta funny in an obvious, unoriginal way.

Biggest No-Show Award

The VMA Award Selection Process.

Who the hell makes these award selections anyway? Pepsi? Motorola? The Knights of Columbus? The Trilateral Commission? What exactly is the selection process? Is there a selection process? Do they send ballots to qualified Viacom shareholders? Does the Devil have hands-on involvement in the awards or is his role more like that of an executive consultant?

Best Fast Food Franchise Commercial Tie-In Award As Selected by Kid Rock Award

I can't really comment on his choice of the N'Sync/McDonald's spots over the Backstreet Boys/Burger King campaign, but something tells me that if Bob's Big Boy drove up to his wider than double wide, platinum fixtured trailer with a dump truck full of money, America's Favorite Early Mornin' Pimp would be pitching Grand Slam Breakfasts on TRL.

Best Raging Against the Machine Award

I don't care what any of you player-haters think, Christine Aguilera blew that shit up. I'm not a big Fred Durst fan, but that shit was tight. Bonus points awarded for actually singing and in the process making Britney Spears and Janet Jackson look positively silly. Who would have thought that Ms. Aguilera would end up being the class act of the night? Yo Christina-- Respect.

Runner-up: RATM. I bet the Rage song sounded better in person. I like the new "Testify" video, which was directed by Michael Moore. Even though I think Gore would make a better President than Bush, I can't help but to feel that a Bush administration might prove more entertaining. I am curerntly weighing public policy considerations against entertainment value in choosing which candidate to support.

Best Lip-Syncing Award

No winner awarded in this category. Janet Jackson and Britney Spears share dishonorable mention. Note how both, uhh, singers, hid behind their hair while singing. At least Spears seemed a little embarassed, cracking a smile when she would flub the sync.

Biggest Flub Award

I almost choked on a French Onion Sun Chip when Jethro Tull walked away with the award for Best Hip Hop Video. I've heard uncomfirmed reports that Dr. Dre and Lard Ulrich confronted Ian Anderson backstage at which point rock's premiere flutist responded with a merry jig, which incurred the wrath of Jay-Z who is, after all, the Jigga Man.

Please, Please Go Away Now Award

"The Thong Song" is undeniably annoying, but when it's performed without close-ups of nearly naked chicks getting jiggy with it, it's downright intolerable. Wyclef, please take The Dragon and that little adorable Pepsi girl with you on your way out. Thanks.

I Didn't Know What All the Fuss Was About But I Guess They're Pretty Cool Award

Blink 182. America loves little people! Plus, they have "na-na-na" parts in their songs. I always thought that the "bay-bee" and "na-na-na" parts were the hardest aspect of songwriting.

Runner-Up: N'Sync. I think that "Bye, Bye, Bye" song is kinda catchy. I mean, if I were a 12 year old girl I would be rocking that shit hard. And the video is interesting to look at. Also, you have to admit, that thing they did with the video monitors was pretty cool.

Oh alright, you don't have to admit anything.

Honorable Mention: Destiny's Child. Classy ladies, classy harmonies.

Best Fantasy Moment Award

Alright, so the Britney Spears-Christina Aguilera meeting of the minds wasn't exactly spine-tingling, but I thought their presentation bit was pretty well done.

I kept hoping that they would bless us with a deep soul kiss, but you can't always get what you want.

Also, I like Whitney Houston much more now that she's a confirmed freak.

Best Female Pro Wrestler Who Sounds An Awful Lot Like a Drag Queen Award

I know it's lame when someone goes, "I have two words for you," but I'm lame like that and so Chyna, I have two words for you-- voice coach.

Worst Dressed Award

Lenny Kravitz. I know it's only rock and roll, but hell man, would it have killed you to put on a clean shirt? No one would have thought less of you.

Runner-Up: That guy in N'Sync who wore a Kiss t-shirt. Whatever, dude. At least he wasn't wearing a sequins, was he? (More on this later...)

Best Dressed Award

Shawn Fanning. Napster kicks ass. Maybe one day I'll feel all guilty about using this technology to rip off Big Fat Record Companies but I kinda doubt it. Anyone else notice how much better the selection on Napster has gotten since everyone thought they were going to get shut down? Quoting Arlo Guthrie, "You can get anything you want..."

Runner-up: Nelly, the "Country Grammar" guys. They look like they're having good time. Hip Hop Not Dead.

Second Runner-up: Michael Stipe told me he was wearing his Blogger shirt but he didn't get any airtime.

Honorable Mention: Red Hot Chili Peppers. Fan mohawks will never go out of style.

Most Humorless Chump Under 4'6" Award

This award usually goes to Prince, who I bet used to have a sense of humor back before he went completely crazy in that way that only real celebrites can, but since The Kid didn't make an appearance at this year's ceremony, the award goes to Lars Ulrich. When I say Lars is a "punk ass chump" I don't mean "punk" in a good way.

Brief aside: Somebody should coin a phrase for celebrity gone insane symdrome. It's not so bad when they go nuts and just stay in bed, out of the public eye for years at a time (which is actually kind of cool), but when they start going out in public, showing up unannounced at people's houses demanding to use the shower, it's time to seek professional help.

Other symptoms of Celebrity Gone Insane Syndrome include: walking into people's houses and passing out in the kid's room; excessive use of sequined clothing or accessories (I may not know anything about fashion, but men wearing sequins is just wack); getting paid $10 billion by a record company and then claiming that you are their "slave".

This syndrome is commonly misdiagnosed as "exhaustion" which I guess sounds a lot better than "complete nervous breakdown."

Best "Fuck You MTV" Display Award

Macy Gray for refusing to read the teleprompter during the presentation of some award that Eminem won, thus forcing LL Cool J to read her part too. (The ladies just love cool James.) I'm not really sure how I feel about Eminem but what I can say is that his flow is tight, even if his rhymes are either corny or socio-pathological.

Runner-up: That guy from Rage Against the Machine who threw a big ol' monkey wrench into the proceedings by climbing the rigging and throwing the production into chaos. Not terribly clever, but effective nonetheless. I bet that if Rage and Fugazi got together to do a bunch of benefit shows, they could raise a lot of (soft) money.

Worst "Fuck You MTV" Display Award

Eminem. What exactly did Mr. Mathers pulled out of his pockets anyway? Marbles? Why? Was that some sort of performance art gesture signifying the artist "losing his marbles"? If so, then the Metascene Academy takes back this award.

His little stunt sort of reminded me of a high school graduation prank where someone secretly releases mice on the stage or where the graduates each have a marble which they put in the hand of the person giving out the diplomas.

(Ed. note: If The Real Slim Shady Stands Up and Shows Up at your door, more dazed and confused than normal, and demanding the use of your shower, offer no resistance and comply with any requests. Subject should be considered armed and not very bright. Do not attempt to apprehend subject. Instead, blockade him in the bathroom and contact Gold Mountain management immediately.

Best Commercial Award

The MTV promos. Maybe I just like that they used songs by the Pixies, AC/DC and Everything But the Girl. I kinda wish they had mixed the EBTG and AC/DC together. I bet that shit would be dope.

Runner-up (tie): Motorola and Levi's. Those text pagers with mini keyboard things look pretty cool. Also, I like how those Levi's spots are shot all herky jerky style.

Honorable Mention: Jim Carrey. I don't think a whole lot of his movies, but I think Jim Carrey is cool.

Worst Commercial Award

The Joy of Cola. I guess this is the only way Faith Hill can get on MTV.

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