EXORDIUM
by Blackwood
entreamis@yahoo.com

RATING: G
CATEGORY: Angst, Post-ep for "Milagro"
SPOILERS: None today.
ARCHIVE: Anywhere with these headers attached; just let me know.
SUMMARY:  Agent Scully ponders her brave, new world.
DISCLAIMER:  These characters belong to 1013 Productions and Chris
Carter.  I earn nothing but personal pleasure from doing this.  No
infringement intended.

~*~*~*~

I am lost.  Lost in the confusion, the pain, the horror, the
disbelief and the unerring certainty that the only thing of constancy
in my life, now, is him.  Its grip on me is unshakable and, for the
first time in my life, I don't know what to do.  I have always known,
before.  My faith was science, my mystery its formulas.  My fragile
beliefs in the doctrine I was given as a child are challenged in ways
I could never have imagined.  I am a blind woman suddenly given
sight; grateful yet angry because the world I see has no place in my
memories, no frame of reference.

I have journeyed far to come to this point.  That I should come to it
now so violently, so painfully, so fully is fitting.  Like a newborn,
I am ripped from the womb of my complacency and surety of mind into a
world of chaos, impossibility and wild emotion.  There is no comfort
here.  No soothing mother to reassure me that all is right with the
world. There is only him.  He embraces this world, even as he
embraces me, holding fast as I cry, newly born as I am, into a world
different from any I have known before.

Milagro.  Miracle.  The world has multiple meanings.  Miracle is
wonderment, spectacle and portent.  As with the saints in heaven, who
experienced the miracles of God, there is terror and ecstasy combined
without comprehension.  My heart is exposed both figuratively and
literally--the heart I have tried to hide so well and for so long.
And now, what now?  We have come, he and I, to the impossible moment.
 The words we have left ever unsaid--out of fear, out of denial, out
of our unspoken and mutual belief that the words must never be said
are there.  Just as surely as if I had spoken aloud.  He... knows.

He has been my tutor and my savior from the beginning.  Like a
petulant child who scorns her benevolent teacher, I mocked his
beliefs, ignored his warnings and half-heartedly absorbed the lessons
he sought to teach with generosity.  It is only now that I comprehend
the message he has tried to bestow to me so that I might understand
the true nature of the world.  It is a message of incomparable
breadth and scope, in which my tools of reason and method are but
feeble attempts to master a world of uncontainable and indescribable
manifestation.

My logic fails and I am humbled of my pride, reduced to primal
emotion--me, the cool and competent physician, scientist and
investigator.  It is all I can do to keep from screaming.  He has
every right to rebuke me, to feel the satisfaction of veracity.  He
could I-told-you-so for the rest of our lives and I would deserve it.
 Big time.  Instead, he holds me, holds me, and holds me.  And it is
here that I take those first steps into a brave, new world.  The
words will come, later.  Heaven help us both.

END
May 1999