May 15th -ground zero
"Have the courage to live anyone can die" -Robert Cody

We fought about the drink. Vodka. Somewhere along the line I began to detest the sweet sick of brandy and switched to vodka. He dropped the bottle out the second story window thinking for some reason that would stop me. He told me if I wanted to drink I had to do it elsewhere.

I took his offer and left. I just walked out the door with my purse and every intention to drink myself to oblivion. I had already tried to stop drinking without success. I was just like those old haggard faces you see lying in alleyways. I didn't care about me anymore. I figured I was too broken to ever be fixed.

As I walked down the road the plan came to me. Lots of vodka and a bottle of Tylenol P.M. I would fall asleep and never wake up.

I was tired of hurting everyone but I couldn't figure out how to make it better. 'Why continue to hurt them forever? I ought to just go now and it will only be one hurt instead of a thousands.'

I walked to where our unregistered van was parked and drove. I visited my friend Jamie and went to my fathers house. I drank and bought the pills with bad checks. How I managed to not kill anyone with the car, not get picked up by the police, or drive into a tree is amazing. I was asking for it. God was sparing me for some reason.

I finally stopped at a secluded park. I took five pills at a time counting them carefully in my wavering hand. I broke each pill in two so it wouldn't get stuck in my reformed stomach. I washed each batch down with a chug of vodka straight from the bottle. When I finished the bottle of pills I stared across the dashboard into the green lush of spring.

I saw wonderful fresh grass, squirrels and chipmunks playing in the sunshine. I saw a sea of dandelions budding trees and trickling spring water. I saw life through nature all around me.

That is when I became afraid of my choice. I started thinking of my God. If He had the power to make and upkeep every piece of this world then why couldn't he fix me? God doesn't make junk and I am his creation. I wasn't garbage and I wasn't without hope.

I made myself vomit the pills into the freshly mown grass next to the spring water. I got down on my knees and prayed. I didn't let go of the bottle through my prayers though. I was still afraid of life without the numbness.

I must have sat until nearly sundown before I drove to my mother in laws house where we had been keeping the van. I staggered into the house for some reason and she offered me a ride home. I turned her down and began to walk home with my bottle.

About a half mile later police cars surrounded me. The ambulance sirens followed close behind. It was an old schoolmate who was now an officer that asked me what had happened and I chose to tell the truth.

I was put into the ambulance and drove to a local hospital. I don't remember much of the ride or my night in ICU. Everything is a blur of men in navy blue and kind folks in white jackets.

It was when sunlight spread across my room that I finally awoke. I met with doctors and was accessed. My psych. doc was consulted and I found out I was being transferred to not the cushy fifth floor but a county facility. I was terrified.

My nurse was the kindest person I have ever met. She scolded me only a little and warned me that Tylenol is a terrible thing to do. She gave me her home phone number and told me to call her before I began another trek like the one I had been on.

I spent the next three days without shoes and wearing scrubs. I was both happy and scared to be alive. I found a new book called the 12 & 12 that began to make sense of the AA steps for me.

I began my life over and no matter what followed I decided to live.

I was sitting in the sterile world of the county paych ward looking at my ground zero. I was ready to start work to rebuild Bridgett -no matter what it took.

Yours, Brittly