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So, you want to kill a really big cyborg. Is there something or someone in your community with an affinity for slicing things open to see how they work? Do you come home every day only to find that strange demon hybrids have been trampling your azaleas? If so, this program is for you. Our book, ‘How To Kill A Really Big Cyborg in 12 Easy Steps,’ or HTKARBC12ES is for you.
1. Contact a Slayer. Slayers are really big, powerful
girls who like to kill things. In fact, they’re good
at it, and free of charge. Sorry, they don’t make
julienne fries. If you’re having trouble finding a
Slayer in your area, don’t fret. You’re not alone.
After all, there is only one Slayer in the entire
world, and the world is a pretty big place. If you
need to get rid of your cyborg FAST, call the Council
at 1-800-WE-SLAY and they’ll call one just for you.
TIP: Tell them it’s a prophecy. That helps.
2. Figure out who built the cyborg. Don’t know? Check
around. Are there any underground military
organizations that employ psychotic Dr. Frankenstein
wannabes near your local university campus? If there
are, try breaking in. Look for big glass tanks with
angry vampires in them, and spare demons missing vital
parts like heads and arms. If you can spot any of
these things, chances are this organization built your
cyborg.
TIP: When getting in, bring a gas mask to avoid those
pesky noxious fumes they use to deter visitors.
3. Find somebody really smart. Yeah, that’s right,
really smart. Like somebody smart enough to teach a
Bio 30 class to a really scary guy. Found one? Great!
Having trouble finding one? Check your local campus
Wicca group, and ask about rebels. Been any recent
explosions coming from the room of your A+ student’s
dorm? You’ve found your smart person.
TIP: Bonus points if they know computers.
4. Find the plans for your cyborg. Don’t know where to
look? Try getting an inside agent in the military
organization that built the cyborg. If they built it,
odds are they keep a spare set of blueprints around as
backup in case they want to make him a friend. Since
most cyborgs want to know how they work, staying one
step ahead is a good thing.
TIP: If you’re planning on going inside the military
organization yourself, bring that gas mask!
5. Well, now that you’ve got those blueprints, figure
them out. The smart person helps for this step. Since
blueprints have a tendency to be really confusing, it
helps if you figure things out before rushing off into
battle. Try checking in with British guys in your
community, if you’re still in trouble.
TIP: Know any suave guys named Jonathan? Did they star
in the Matrix? They help too.
6. Find your smart person again – we’ll just call them
Willow, for conversation’s sake – to figure out how
lots of things besides your cyborg work. You know,
people, animals, vampires, every species of demon
known to man, that sort of thing. This step is
IMPORTANT. If you’re only going to follow one, this
would be it.
TIP: Really obscure reference books with confusing
pictures are good study material
7. Figuring out where our cyborg lives is an important
step. Because as a rule of thumb, if you can’t find
something, killing it’s going to be HARD. Once you’ve
figured out where the cyborg lives, make sure he’s got
a phone and a phone number. Knowing his phone number
will help immensely for the next step.
TIP: Ask around. Know any demons that don’t like holy
water being poured down their throat? Here’s where
your Slayer comes in.
8. Give the cyborg a call. This should be pretty
self-explanatory. Ask him to meet you somewhere
obscure, at the stroke of midnight. This way, nobody
will be able to call the police when you get shredded
into little pieces.
TIP: The farther away from civilization, the better?
Know any haunted mansions on the edge of town?
Perrffect.
9. Meet your cyborg at your rendezvous point at the
stroke of midnight, like promised. This makes him very
strong, and puts you at a disadvantage. Be sure to
bring Willow, she’s instrumental. If she has a Wicca
friend, the friend can come along too. Get Willow to
tell Adam absolutely everything he’d ever want to know
about how every single being on the planet works. As
Willow may eventually lose her voice, make sure she’s
got a keyboard. When she gets carpal tunnel syndrome,
get backup to continue for her.
TIP: The more thorough, the better. The cyborg wants
to know how he works? Fine. Show him how he works.
10. Watch. It’s a little known fact that when
creatures, human or not, accomplish their life goal,
they turn blue, spin around three times, and their
head explodes. Since the goal of the common cyborg is
to find out how he works, just tell him.
TIP: Watch from a well covered distance, and keep away
from sharp parts.
11. Dispose of each individual part in a different
country. Or, just stick each piece in a different
safety-deposit box and melt the keys. Rumor has it
that really big, indestructible evil can also
reassemble itself under pressure. Being disassembled
counts as being under pressure.
TIP: Most self-sacrificing, ensouled vampires will do
this for you.
12. Find a cooler villain for the remaining school
year. Don’t worry, he/she’ll be disposed of by the
summer anyway.
TIP: If her name is ‘Sunday’ and she was killed off at
the beginning of the year, resurrect her.