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Thursday, April 12th

I've been quiet lately with no heart to write in this journal. So much has happened the past few weeks, I don't know where to start...not all of them were such exciting events however...

One night, I felt saddened because Rand hadn't been around and I had a quarrel with a friend. I was walking along the hallway outside of the Dining Hall when a newly awakened man, also very handsome and dark, came up and introduced himself. I felt flattered by his poetic words towards me and he walked me towards the barn. He kissed my hand and asked for my name. Right when I did utter my name, he grabbed my wrists and slammed my back onto the wall and began smothering me. I kicked and screamed, trying to get anyone's attention. Suddenly, he started punching me and then I saw pitch blackness. When I awoke, I saw that I was in my room with (Then Watchman) Gareth, Delacroix, Siobhan, Eleanor, and Avaria, all looking at me with worry. I felt so stupid and embarrassed to see my friends look at me like that. But they were there for me and I went through that night,drifting in and out of consciousness.

During the days I rested, Scott came to my room everyday to tell me of the new news that was going around. Every second though, I worried of that man who did such horrible deeds to me. What if he was hurting another sera at the moment? What would happen? I deeply worried and literally became sick at the thought of it. The days went by quickly and I felt anguished because I have not seen Rand since my injuries. I felt deserted and alone without him by my side. When I did finally walk out of my room, I was greeted with warm faces and felt at home again. But one thing bothered me...

Why wasn't there an investigation? Was the incident not good enough for the Watch's eyes? The poisoning of Margaret and some others got their investigations. And I have to worry about all the seras in the Castle for their safety? I felt disgusted and betrayed. Then, I heard that Gareth was not a Watchman no longer. I felt proud of him for the reason on why he had done so, but now, what Watchman will I turn to? I just let that feeling go and just stuck to the only option left. Just to watch over MYSELF.

Love is also in the air...Dittersdorf and Chorus are going to marry! I felt so happy to see Dittersdorf so lively (Not that he ALWAYS isn't). I didn't want to know what Darla would be thinking for she was deeply wounded when Dittersdorf broke off their relationship. Jayland also finally find the sera of his dreams, a sera named Helga. I was glad to see him find his place in this sera's heart and rejoiced in their news of marriage.

I fear my sleepiness is overdousing me. I shall write the next time I have the heart. I do wish all the denizens sweet dreams as I lie in bed...getting more sickening thoughts of the evil ser who dared to hurt me as he did...

Saturday, February 24th

I went to the Gardening Society's meeting today after being absent for such a long time. The guild had decided to make a Language of Flowers volume, where the flowers, their meanings, and their pictures drawn by sera Siobhan will be in it. It will surely be a fantastic success! Recently, I joined the Courtesy Circle, led by sera Punzel and sera Anabeth. They are fabulous seras and I know they will lead the guild well. The guild itself was a marvelous idea.

Many duels were issued during the past week...there was one between ser Aquila and ser Noddi. Dame Catharsis will be dueling ser Duraze AND sera Edanya. Since the Third Knighthood Challenge, some Duelists has been hasty towards her. I don't like that attitude, but I hope after these duels, she will be left alone in peace. The Charter of the Battle Guild still seems to be in queue, for no one has told me anything of it. But patience is virtue...

Avaria and Gareth completed their vigil!! I'm so proud and happy for both of them! My two good friends deserve each other so much and I was glad to be a part of their lives. After their vigil with sera Siobhan, we all clammered to Delacroix's room, where he held an excellent little party for Avaria and Gareth. We shared drinks and laughter, Avaria and Gareth laughing and chuckling at the book they received with all the messages in it for them. When I left, which was around 2 AM, there were still people joining the party. I thought it was a wonderful night.

I haven't seen Rand around in a while and I'm starting to worry...what could he be doing? I haven't either received a scroll nor a message through someone else from him. I dearly miss him and my heart aches for his smile, his hugs, and his kisses...whereever he is, I do hope he is all right...Scott finally has a sera in his life! Since his Awakenening, he's been so picky about what kind of sera he wanted and I guess he finally found her! Sera Bianca is a wonderful, kind sera and everytime I see Scott's beaming face, I want to hug her so tightly and thank her for his happiness. Seraphina has not been around for over a month and a half now...she sent me a scroll to my relief, telling me she was all right...she's just not ready to come poor I yearn to be by her side.

I have decided to continue persuing to become a Counselor...I stopped asking people for petitions because I've been so busy with being Chairperson of the Winter Carnival and taking care of Seraphina. But now, I believe I'm ready to become what I wanted to be ever since Margaret started the Counsel...I asked Mintle to write a petition for me...I think that's four petitions..perhaps I will ask Kristine or Myrth for the last one...that's all for now. Until next time!

Saturday, February 17th

Today was the Dueling Touranment held by the Winter Watch. I thought out of all the people there, Kristine and I were the only nervous ones. I found that more nerve-wrecking. The other Battle Guild representatives, Cody and Kristine, were fabulous in the Tourny! Others who participated were Watchman Lucas, Watchwoman Judith, sera Katherine, sera Addreama, ser Retribution, Acolyte Charmiam, ser Andrew, and ser Lask. The Battle Guild ended up winning the tournament and I felt relieved that it had ended without any anger. Watchman Lucas provided me with the iron helmet, which was part of the prize and I will hold it until Sera <Dame?> Catharsis can tell me what to do with it.

Ser Jayland did come today and apologize to me in person for what he had done. He had sent me a scroll filled with such anger towards the way I was so happy and cheerful towards him when he lost to me in duels and I felt heartbroken that I had someone who hated me. But after today, I felt relieved and was happy that Jayland does not feel that way towards me. I would hide in my room for days if I knew there was someone who despised me...I hope there isn't any...or many..

Happy news filled the Castle as of late, including sera Punzel and ser Martel's engagement and sera Chorus becoming part of the Counsel! I was so happy for all of them and I hope happiness for Punzel and Martel. They truly deserve one another. Other happy news was that Scott found the sera of his dreams. I'm so happy to see that he finally has a reason to come out of his room except for my pestering for him to do so. ;P I hope the Charter for the Battle Guild works out in the end, because I don't think there's a Guild like the Battle Guild which has so many friendly people and has everyone I love to hug. ;)

I also had a funny day last eve with Sera Myrth. I tried my best to get her and Scott to be together, out of just teasing. She proceeded to pinch me and I had to run around the room trying to get away from her. I could tell a few of the people in the room were getting annoyed by us, but I can't blame myself or Myrth for being so faithfully mirthful. *smirk* I had to hide behind Delacroix for over 10 minutes trying to figure out if I should come out or not. But in the end, I faced my fears and came out. Myrth just ignored me. =) Heehee. But I'm glad I can actually act childish in this Castle! Geez! Thanks Myrth~

Sunday, February 11th

Many has been happening during the past few weeks. I've been going around worrying about how the Carnival might turn out. Even though I work so hard, I worry too much of how the Carnival would end up. But there are so many depending on me and it would be a great sadness for me if I fail...

Rand and I had yet another quarrel about him. He's been upsetting me and I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart and I wish he can be happy with who he is. When I came out of my room, Avaria told me he was drunk and I rushed to see what was happening and that's when we started fighting..He's been going through a lot and fighting with him last eve just left me miserable and drunk. I hope I can actually help you, for I'd hate to see him fall apart.

Another person I deeply worry about is Duren. He's a dear friend to me and I hate to hear of him in trouble. It seems that him and ser Martel are going to trial and that Duren is responsible for the death of ser Blackhawk. I was disgusted that they might even think of beheading Duren for Duren has a kind heart and it was not intentional. Duren and I talked and I feel so helpless around him. It never seems to work whenever I try to make him happy. But I hope soon that Duren can see I'm always going to be there for him and that I care for him deeply.

I haven't heard from Seraphina still and I fear of her safety. Has she really done what Zero did? Is she hiding in her bed, suffering? Many thoughts run through my head and as Duren, I feel so helpless.. Sera Mintle and I have become wonderful friends lately. She's such an intelligent sera who I love talking to. She sure knows how to brighten someone's day. I seem to get along with all her sisters lately so it's a relief to get to know more people!

Well there's no more to the past weeks so I shall snuggle to bed now...Good night! =)

Monday, January 29th

The last week was an upmost tiring, yet interesting week. I had a long talk with my sister Seraphina about her thinking of leaving the Castle. She worries me so, for I keep thinking she might be influenced by Zero's death and do something so drastically unnecessary. I told Scott to look after her and he promised he would. With the embarrassment she caused herself with the Initiate Elea and the "almost" love affair she had with one ser, she has become desperately lonely and depressed...I worry so much for her..

Rand and the Armsman did have their duel. At first, I stayed in my room, worrying about Rand and not wanting to see blood. But my instinct told me I should be there for Rand so I left for the Practice Room. Right when I got there, the Armsman did impale Rand in the waist and did win the duel. But Sansamor and I immediately went to Rand and tended to him. When no bandages could be found, Ser Edouard kindly let us take Rand to the Duelists room and we stayed there until Rand had enough strength to stand. I found it amusing that Sansamor kept bickering about Rand's blood on the sofa and how motherly he acted. It was cute...=) But finally, Rand and I escaped to the Baths and I tended to him and spoiled him so. Thank the Gods he wasn't hurt that badly.

Ser Duren and I seem to have become close friends and I worry about his love life. He seems to be in love with one sera and I feel for him. I hope the best for ser Duren and I hope he isn't caused any pain in the future. But he became a very good friend and someone I enjoyed talking with.

Today I did send a scroll to Zia about a ring I wanted to give to Rand. But it has been over a month since I wrote to her before and I do hope she can finish it soon for I tire of waiting for so long...also, I met a nice young sera by the name of Camilia who did draw me such wonderful sketches of beautiful forests and dazzling castles. I think she is just misunderstood by some denizens because of her lack of Common and the wild attitude she has. Oh yes, and I received my book from Angron, finally! I was so happy when he did present me a book...big thanks to Angron for that!

Monday, January 22nd

This eve was probably the worst eve I had since...I entered Castle Marrach. I never felt so frightened, lonely, depressed, and deeply wounded. This morn, I came out, freshly renewed and perky as usual. I met up with my friend Darla who looked so sad...she told me about Zero and his suicidal death. I gasped, covering my mouth and clutching the wall for support. She grabbed me, telling me to go sit down. I fled back to my room and lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling and crying softly. Zero might have not been a close friend to me, but he was truly a friend. He was always so kind and gentle, something not all sers in the Castle had...he was going to be Rand's best man at the wedding too...Rand seemed deeply moved by this. Rand..I searched for him this eve, to see if he can lighten my deeply low mood. I found him in front of the Amphitheater with Avaria, Watchman Gareth, and Hannah. He looked so sad and had to talk. So we walked to the cupola and I listened to him.

I was so shocked as to what I was hearing. A duel over a joke? The Pink Bunny Guild? I almost laughed. What kind of man challenges another over a joke like that? I couldn't believe how much happened the days I wasn't present. And now, Rand might not be a Duelist with Sansamor and Ewan... does that mean they're not his family no more? That saddens me. I have grown awfully close with Sansamor and Ewan...they're so kind to brothers. But I heard from Rand that Punzel called Zero dishonorable and when Rand cursed honor, she wouldn't let him be a Duelist? Is this the sweet sera I always hear about? She curses Zero's honor yet she can still own the reputation of a Duelist? That bothers me greatly...How can so many things burden me now? With the Winter Carnival meeting coming up, which excites me, I have to now worry about Rand not being a Duelist anymore, which he truly loves, and Zero...may he rest in peace. I decided to talk to Faer and Edouard. This seems to be very unfair to me...but we'll see. I sleep with huge worries and sadness weighing on my heart...Sweet Dreams, Zero...

Thursday, January 18th

Today has been a truly tiring and sad day...I had my remembering session with sera Katherine. I never imagined it would be this painful...I saw my mother and my family. I saw horrific pictures and hair-raising screams..I didn't know I had such a unforgetful past with so much troubles and pain...thank you sera Katherine for your kindess..Rand came just in time to save me and take me to my room and stay there with me. Thank you to ser Andrew too for caring and being kind enough to help Rand take me to my room. This session left me so weak and depressed, I had to cry myself to sleep..

The Winter Carnival meeting is next Wednesday. I hope I don't make a fool out of myself. The assistant, secretary, and taskmaster has been appointed. Mintle, Illiana, and Duraze will wurely help me through this and I'm glad to be working with them.

It seems like ever since I came to this castle, I finally feel at home. With so many good friends, I can't help but feel so happy here. I talked to my friend Darla today...her feelings for Sansamor are the same and I feel bad that nothing will happen between them. I am happy for Sansamor and Aeriale however...but I do not know much about Sansamor's love liefe so I will leave it at that. Sera Mintle seems happy with his dance lessons. He will go far! :) I'm in the process of becoming a Rememberer...after experiencing that pain, I feel as if I want to help the people who go through that process and want to be there for sympathy kicking in again.

I had a good chat with my brother Scott the other night..he seems to be the only person now who does not know about Rand and I...he likes Rand, but he tells me that he can't imagine Rand as his "brother-in-law"...I fear he will dissaprove and break up the marriage..I wouldn't want to hurt him OR Rand...I would hate to choose between them. Well, I will stop my blubbering...I'm awfully tired...sweet dreams...

Sunday, January 14th

I slept most of the morn with nothing better to do. In the afternoon, I went to the Storytelling contest, excited out of my mind to the fact that I would be reading! After hearing the first story, I don't know, but a nagging feeling came into my head. I felt like I shouldn't read my story. It contained things I didn't want to share. So I did not read my story...I thank ser Angron for his kindness! He has helped me tremendously. That same afternoon, I went to the Battle Guild meeting and dueled with Sansamor. But after being defeated, my problems came into my head and I guess I acted rude by walking out to the terrace. Sansamor, the good person he is, came and talked to me about it. He has truly helped me through the problems and I thank Sansamor for his wonderful friendship...

It was so awkward when Margaret came, then Ewan, then Rand. It was a sign, I tell you. The whole family was there and we talked. I thought Marg and Sansamor acted so cute with their little sibling quarrels! :) I feel blessed whenever I'm with any one of them..this is truly the ideal family I dream of! I love you all. But I finally got my wish of dueling with Rand...that was amusing although he beat me. My dueling skills seem to have vanished today.

I got appointed as the Chairperson of the Spring Fling committee. I had suggested to be one, but I did not realize it would happen that day! That was also a blessing. Thank you Marg for such a wonderful job! I'll work hard~ ;) I'm sort of nervous though...I'm working with people who have been here at Marrach longer than I...but I do hope working with them will educate me more. Of course, I will look up to these individuals...can't wait! :)

Saturday, January 12th

Many things have happened since I last wrote! I have a very grand announcement:
Rand has proposed to me!
This was something I celebrated in my heart for days and days...I love Rand so much and I know him to be my husband is something I want. We both talked to sera Illiana about the procedures and the rituals we have to go through before the vigil. I noticed it would even be a long time before we were actually married. But love and patience will conquer that, I believe. =) Thank you Illiana! *hug*
I have waited for that day you proposed, Rand. I love you.

My sister Seraphina has been making a big fuss, writing scrolls to me, telling me about how she embarrassed herself in front of the First Initiate Elea. I felt so bad for her. We talked over lunch and I couldn't help but feel how much hardship a person has to go through to become an Apprentice. I wish my sister all my luck.

Watchman Gareth, Rand, Delacroix, Avaria, and I had a very interesting conversation about honor. Avaria made a good point saying that Honor came from the Heart. I believe that is true. As I said in that conversation, Honor isn't about steel. It's about Heart. Good job, Avaria. So why do people HAVE to duel in order to protect their Honor? I wouldn't call that Honor. It would be called plainly self-defense. I know there will be some who will disagree with me, but that is just my opinion.

Sunday, January 7th

Today was a joyous day! During the Battle Guild meeting, Rand walked in! I was never so happy in my life~ It seemed forever since I last saw him. After the meeting, we went to the Council Induction. It was a happy meeting. I was proud to see my friend Ser Delacroix become a part of the Council! Big congratulative hugs to him, sera Anabeth, sera Avaria, and the other new Council members! I'm so proud of you all. Well, after the meeting, Rand and I went for a walk and chatted about some things...after that talk, I felt like I was on top of the world...*wink* It's a secret. =) I do hope the people I asked to write me recommendations for the Council REMEMBER to write them...*growl playfully* Oh yes and I find that ser Duren came back! That was awkward at first, but I welcome him back! ;)

Friday, January 5th

I slept this whole morn, with nothing to do. It seems as if there aren't much activity going on without Rand. He hasn't been around for so long! Last eve was the completion of Margaret and Ewan's vigil. How I wished I was a more closer part of it! I do hope that they both had lots of rest...and lots of food. That night, I did my usual rounds of hugs and it was a funny sight when I gave one to Watchman Artegal. It was a friendly one, I promise! =) I do hope Illiana does not dislike me for that. It was pure friendliness. I started receiving the Newly Awakened feelings today. It's an very awkward feeling...makes me fidget around. I don't understand how Awakeners cope with that feeling everyday. But I did help a Newly Awakened today. I decided to seek out a Rememberer to bring back my past...I do hope I find one and some answers...

Tonight was the Knight Challenge with ser Martel, sera Catharsis, and Armsman started at 7 bells and ended around 8 bells. All three won one and lost one. The nobles decided to decide the victor for 10 minutes and came back, declaring Catharsis the victor. I was proud of Catharsis because she became a good friend to me since I joined the Battle Guild. Some seemed dissapointed, but I thought Cat deserved the win.

My friend also sent me a scroll about a hot argument between Catharsis and Punzel...I got worried and went down, but when I did, it ended. I didn't think Punzel and Catharsis were the arguing type, so I was confused the whole time.
I also heard about ser Duren's suicidal death...that was a shock to the whole Castle, including many of his dear friends. I met him a few times and he seemed like a very lively and friendly man. I went to the shrine this eve to pray for him. May he rest in peace...