(08/30/2004)

You would think that after a while things would get better… that that’s just what life is like.  And then it’s some huge surprise every single time you fail, even though you should be used to it by now because it’s like your life story.  To fail is to be you.

People act so surprised when they find out how unhappy I really am.  It’s as though they couldn’t tell just by looking at me, or talking to me.  They really needed to see through me, which not many people do.  That’s usually because the second they do, they get scared and leave, or they give up and leave.

Sometimes I like to get really dressed up sometimes and deny everything, or admit to everything.

09/02/2004

There is no big plan for us.  Some people spend their whole lives believing that there is a reason we are here, we just haven’t figured it out.  But I know why.  I’ve known why for the last couple years at least.  The reason we are all born, is to die.  Inevitably it is the only two things every person will have in common.  They were all born to die.  Some great planning was put into that.  So what if I want my destiny to happen sooner than everyone else.

It seems as though guys are only around to make you hurt.  You can fall in love, reluctantly, and still in the end, no matter how it ends, you are still the one left feeling all broken and bruised, and they probably don’t even notice that it’s a different girl in their bed every single night.  Guys make me sad.  They make me think of all the things I wish I was, and all the things there is no way I will ever be.  They make me over analyze, and wish things that won’t ever come true, and they make me look at myself in a way no one should ever look at themselves in.

09/05/2004

Maybe some things really are worth dying for.

I trusted you.  I gave everything I ever was to be with you.  I built bridges for you, I crossed oceans for you…. I loved you.  And then you go off and be with… God with another girl and you expect me to be okay with it? God, I saved myself for you.

You say he really is worth living for… But is he really worth dying for too?

You were supposed to give me another chance.  Yea, I messed up.  But you messed up constantly, and I always forgave you for it.  And now I mess up once, just once, and it isn’t even a big deal and you can’t forgive me for it? What kind of person does that make me? What kind of person does that make you?

That’s all I am to you isn’t it?  Just some… thing you turn to when you’re bored.  Do you even care about me? Do you even care about the fact that I have almost killed myself over you time and time again? Why do you keep coming back to me? Stop playing with my heart; you couldn’t possibly break it anymore than you already have.

When you walked away from me that day, I finally realized the truth about you and about our relationship.  I realized that it just wasn’t what you wanted.  You needed someone better, something happier, and something more.  All I would ever did was bring you down.  I realized that it just wasn’t me that you wanted.

The darkness consumes you from within.

The feeling is unbearable,

Uncontrollable.

The urge is something more,

Keeps you begging to come back.

It’s like you have found a new friend,

Deep within the unknown.

But whatever you do don’t tell a soul,

For they shall not understand,

And they shall beg you to leave.

They will push you around,

Knock you off your feet.

The feeling is indescribable,

Hopeful.

It gives you something to hold onto,

Something to cling to.

Takes your heart and gives it life,

But no one would understand.

They look at you like you have gone insane,

Using words like “Depressed”,

“Obsessed”, and “Crazy”.

If only they could feel how it feels,

To have that dark red line,

Forming on your skin.

The feeling is dreadful,

Resentful.

It makes you wish you were dead.

Makes you want to never stop.

It becomes addictive,

Vindictive.

It makes you feel broken,

And rotten,

And sore.

But by the time you realize what you have done,

It shall be too late,

And you shall be back at where you started,

Once again.

The words were always on the tip of her tongue.  There was so much more she always wanted to say, to experience, but she never did get around to doing them.  From the moment you fell out of love with her, that’s if you ever even did, she was finished.  You could see it in her eyes, read it on her face, and it was more or less obvious when she stopped smiling.  That last day she took her last breath and left the world, how I hated you.  You stole her from the rest of us because you decided that she wasn’t what you wanted.  You stole our best friend.  You stole my sister.

It’s so hard to tell the truth when the truth can kill someone.

Maybe one day I’ll be strong enough to tell you exactly how I feel.

So many people get angry with me when the real me comes out.  When I finally shed my leaf and start acting the way I am.  It’s like they want this fake me, just so that they can feel better about themselves.  Do they even realize that if I acted the way they wanted me to, I wouldn’t be me anymore?

What do you do when everyone has turned their backs on you?

I know what it feels like to be the only one standing up in a crowd when everyone else is sitting down.  I know what it’s like to be the last one to know anything, if I ever get told at all.  Mostly, I just know what it’s like to be left out.

If I could, I would heal you.  I would chase away the demons, and the nightmares.  But I can’t, because they are after me too.

You took my heart right out of me the day you told me you just wanted to be ‘friend’.  What the hell are friends anyways? I don’t even have any.  Are you just planning on slowly getting rid of me?