Passage By RedSand July 12, 2001 (3:10 am) Montreal, Canada |
I received an e-mail today from an old friend from high school, telling me about an article that he wrote and posted on one of his website. So, I checked it out. Got to tell you this, I have no idea why he wrote what he has written. On the same website, there are a few other articles written by this friend of mine and some other old friends. I have this sudden urge of wanting to know what they have written over the years, so I read them all. On this chilly summer night, I relive the time during high school, which seems like ages ago. The funny thing is, I couldn't find my name in any of the articles where people's names were mentioned. Well, there aren't a lot of articles on the website, still, it bothers me. It reminds me of my not-so-happy high school years. On one hand, I was reading other people's happy days, on the other hand, I can't help feeling sorry for myself. I was invisible during high school, I knew that, but that doesn't help, does it? My high school days are dark and gloomy. I was in my teens so I was supposed to be happy and carefree at that time. However, that is not really the case. I had always considered myself an outsider when I was in high school, an ugly duckling that couldn't fit in with the crowd. What worsen the situation is that I was in the best class of my grade and surrounded by all these talented, bright, very smart classmates. I didn't have anything that will make me stand out of the crowd. Somehow I got the feeling that most of my classmate barely knew my existence. Of course, what could I expect, I was neither gorgeous nor smart. Slowly, I came to accept that an outside I was. I wasn't happy about it but there was nothing I could do. Oh… the dark days of my life. Little that I knew at that time my darkest days were still ahead. I left the country for higher education after finishing high school (although I skipped the last grade). I was lucky that my family could afford me doing that. At that time, I just couldn't wait to get out of my high school, and leave Malaysia. True, I did have a few good friends, whom I treasure dearly, and I did have some great time during high school year, but the opportunity came and I desperately needed a change in environment. Now when I think of it, I might have gone through a depression period during that time, and I am glad that I snapped out of it later. I struggled a great deal when I was abroad the first time. The cultural shock, the language, the pressure to succeed, and the loneliness would get to me almost constantly. Slowly it got better. I remember a phrase that people use, 'Life is a constant struggle', I totally believe that. Nevertheless, now I am in my happier days and I prefer not to remember my struggle. I am doing my doctoral study now, still living abroad. People around me expect me to be confident, intelligent, and knowledgeable. However, I never feel this way. Maybe my not-so-happy high school years still have a profound impact on my life. I never thought myself smart because I knew there are people who are smarter than me. How could I have confidence when I feel that I am dumber than most people, at least most of my high school classmates? It is a wonder I am still studying and my friends here in the university think I am some kind of genius. Maybe my brain works better now, who knows? When I talk to my high school classmates sometimes, I slowly realize I am not so bad, or not as bad as I thought I am. Yes, it feels great. But still, my name will probably won't be mentioned during a reunion because most people won't remember me. Do I care? Not really, or I hope I don't. |