When Metropolitan Vitaly was Archbishop of Montreal and Canada and lived in Montreal full-time, he enjoyed driving from Montreal to New York for the Synod meetings. Conscious of his age, however, he normally took another driver with him for the five-and-a-half hour trip.
On one of these trips, in the 1970s, I was his co-driver. The "oil shortage" was front page in the US. We had crossed the border from Canada into New York State and Vladyka said he felt like driving for a stretch. He was cruising along at about 70-75mph along the Adirondack Northway when we were pulled over by a state trooper. He approached the car, noticed the Quebec plates and the cassock, and said, "Father, I don't know if you saw the signs, but because of the fuel shortage we've lowered the speed limit to 55mph \ here in the States."
Without missing a beat, Vladyka Vitaly (who speaks excellent English as well as French) replied, "Ah, yes, of course. But you see, young man, I bought this tank of gas in Canada where we don't have a fuel shortage, so I'm driving at the Canadian speed. I assure you that as soon as I fill up again here in the U.S. that I will obey your speed limits."
The trooper looked at him with a stunned expression and said, "OK. God be with you. But \ we'll be watching for you further south."
I was totally impressed.
George Skok
Three successful Jewish brothers compared their wealth by the presents they had recently sent their old mother for her 75th birthday.
Shlomo, the oldest, said: "I built a big mansion for our mother."
Moishe, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
Ira, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mama used to enjoy reading the bible? Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible... Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."
A few days later a letter arrived from their mother.
"Shlomo," she wrote, "the mansion you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Moishe," she wrote, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver - he's a pain in the tuchas."
"But Ira," she wrote, "the chicken was delicious!"
From a talk by R. James Woolsey, Director of Central Intelligence, given at a conference on global organized crime.
"Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job, I have received a true intercept (and this is not made up...it is not Saturday Night Live) that the FBI made of itself while conducting an inves- tigation in San Diego. It was sent to me by a friend of mine who used to be with counterintelligence in Washington. It is called "The FBI Pizza Call."
FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping the hospital."
Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda."
Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
Pizza Man: "You're an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."
Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas."
Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"
Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."
Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
Agent: "I have my checkbook right here."
Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked."
Pizza Man: "I don't think so."
***Click***
SANTA PAUSE
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney,jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
INFO FROM THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death. (YEP !)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. (and they can't dance, either).
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew..? Who cares?..!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field (Again I ask... Who knew..? Who cares?..!)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (like we needed that information)
Butterflies taste with their feet (Oh, jeez!)
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (duh)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the jerk upside the head.
Ted McGee
Program Manager, STEP 2000
THE PRIEST
The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."
"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
"Well", said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
"But Father," protested the young priest, "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, my son, but the flashing 'TOOT 'N TELL OR GO TO HELL' neon sign really has to go."
GROANER
George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff.
He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and asked "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"
The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing.
Again George W asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?
Again the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word.
George W tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"
Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.
One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem, and George W said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet."
To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied, "I can hear you and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness."
HELP A KID(DING!)
My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know.
Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.
Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.
Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true.
Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.
If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless b****** who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head.
She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?
Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury it's turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.
Thank You,
Billy "Smiley" Evans
CHURCH SIGNS
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"
"Soul food served here"
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church"
"We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks"
"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are"
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
"Come early for a good Back-seat"
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"
"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary"
"Delay is preferable to error"
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible"
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"
"What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"
"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies" :-)
"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"
"May is God's apology for February"
"To belittle is to be little"
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you"
"God answers kneemail"
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back"
THE MODERN BARBIE GIRL
Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. these are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front,too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels havedefinitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat. 10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
THINGS A TRUE SOUTHERNER KNOWS
The difference between a hissie fit and a caniption.
Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
What general direction cattywumpus is.
That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.
When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means.
Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!
A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
Real gravy don't come from the store.
When "by and by" is.
How to handle their "pot likker".
The difference between "pert' near" and "a right fur piece".
The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.
Lights are 'turned on' and 'turned off'.
You know when somebody 'ain't from around here'.
Comments about somebody's momma will git you a butt-whoopin'.
"I'll kick your ass!" is an acceptable response to how you feel about it.
Rasslin' and racin' should be required classes in elementary school.
Never to go snipe hunting twice.
At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.
You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.
There's no education in the second kick of a mule.
SUNDRY HUMOR
- Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
- I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
- The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
- Did anyone see my lost carrier?
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
- He who laughs last thinks slowest!
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
- Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
- I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
- Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
- Double your drive space - delete Windows!
- What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
- I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
- All generalizations are false, including this one.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
DEAD BLONDES
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde.
He asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."