ON THE LIGHTER SIDE...
RELIGIOUS ONE LINERS
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." - Albert Einstein
TRUE STORY
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Bobby, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand. The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. I don't want you...." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Bobby, your turtle is not dead after all." "Oh," the disappointed boy, wanting ice cream and a new pet, said. "Can I kill it?"
TRAFFIC TICKET
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine. "Keep it," the clerk advised. "When you get four of them, you get a bicycle."
WIVES
Two guys were walking on the street when one of them says: "I've realized that my wife is an angel." The second thought for just a moment and agreed: "Mine isn't human, either."
THIS SOUNDS TOO REAL
Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough money. I didn't need the coupon."
PALM SUNDAY
It was Palm Sunday and, because of strep throat, Sue's three-year-old son had to stay home from church with a baby-sitter. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his mother explained. "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I didn't go, He showed up!"
BABY SISTER
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!"
IDIOT SIGHTINGS
Sighting #1
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4:
I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #6 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Individual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded
ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Individual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Individual: How do you spell that?
Sighting #8 Auto Mechanic:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
MOISHE AND THE POPE
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."
TEXAS (THAT SAYS IT ALL)
IT'S SO HOT IN TEXAS THAT...
The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
IT'S SO DRY IN TEXAS THAT...
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.
A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."
A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got 'bout two and a half inches of that."
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TEXAS WHEN...
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, and you feel a bit chilly...
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door...
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning...
Your biggest fear in a bicycle wreck is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt does, indeed, have a liquid state.
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
The following statements about the bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
GULLIBLES" TRAVAILS
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.
She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral. The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the full information to the VA.
He soon received a reply from the VA.
"We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can a be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year."
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.
"Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803.
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles - almost as careful as the V.A. - took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world.
f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created title that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original holder of the property in question.
The following "memo" -- apparently by some staff prankster -- was faxed to the Medical Records Department of a Spokane hospital.
MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.
Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's will also honor competitors' coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.
In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.
In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary.
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
1.. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2.. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."
3.. Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
4.. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
5.. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6.. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
7.. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
8.. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'."
9.. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
10.. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
11.. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church.
12.. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
13.. Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.
14.. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience."
15.. Our next song is "Angels We have Heard Get High."
16.. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
17.. Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She uses the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
18.. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North Ends of the Church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
19.. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
20.. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
21.. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
22.. The Ladies of the church have Cast Off Clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the Church Basement Saturday.
23.. Thursday Night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and Medication to follow.
24.. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the Choir.
25.. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come and early and listen to our choir practice.
26.. The Eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the Church Basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
27.. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled . Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
28.. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new giving Campaign Slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
AND MORE BULLETIN BLOOPERS
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. M spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. V will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. M C last evening. Mrs. C and Mrs. R sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. H B Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding."
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. H is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in reparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance