THE MINISTER
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
And it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be? "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
THE UGLY SUIT
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed one of his suit salesman's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that horrible, ugly suit we've had for so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double breasted monstrosity?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!" the salesman replied.
"That's great!" the manager said, "I thought we would never get rid of that hideous thing! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had in this store! But tell me; why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh, that!" the clerk replied, "After I sold the guy the suit, his guide dog bit me."
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MENTAL GIANTS?
This quiz consists of four questions to find out whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. Dont cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you do simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.
4. There is a river noted for its vicious crocodiles. How do you cross it?
Correct Answer: Simply swim across. There is nothing to fear. All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This question is a test of your reasoning ability.
So:
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do, but if you work hard, play by the rules and are well liked, there's hope for you.
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. And if you work hard, play by the rules and are well liked, they may even put you on the day shift.
If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.
STILL MORE CHURCH FUNNIES
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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
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And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping
CHILDREN'S WISDOM
"Never trust a dog to watch your food" - Patrick, 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him - Michael, 14
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a cricket bat - Joel, 10
Never pee on an electric fence - Rober, 13
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac - Andrew, 9
When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair - Talia, 11
Never allow your three year old brother in the same room as your homework - Tracey, 14
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk - Armir, 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts - Kellie, 11
Don't sneeze in front of your mum, when you're eating a cracker - Mitchell, 12
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse - Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick - Lauren, 9
Never tell your mum her diet's not working - Michael, 14
If you get a bad school report, show it to your mum when she's on the phone - Alyesha, 13
OLD (AD)AGE(S)
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing ...
2. ...and I still have most of it.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
9. I went to school to become a wit; only got halfway through.
10. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
11. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
13. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
14. It's hard to make a comeback, when you haven't been anywhere.
15. If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
16. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
SUNDRY FUNNY
--------------------------------- 1. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
````````````````` A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that go cheap?" The Clerk says, "No, We have birds that go cheep, our dogs go BARK!"
```````````````` Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
`````````````` I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
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Q: What's the Indian word for "lousy hunter"?
A: Vegetarian
```````````` * A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
ONLY IN AMERICA
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America...do we use answering machines and/or caller ID to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Greek meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
Only in America.... Do we have Braille lettering on drive up ATM machines.
SOUR NOTE
A musicologist recently found Mozart's grave after a 20-year quest. Upon exhumation, the coffin was opened... and there was Mozart, with a huge sheaf of staff paper and a gigantic eraser. Partly erased pages and shavings littered the late genius. The musicologist asked him, 'Maestro, what have you been doing for all these centuries?' Mozart replied, 'Decomposing'.
ANSWERING THE CALL (OR NOT)
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."
(Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.")
NORTHERN EXPOSURE
You Might Be A Yankee If...
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
The sound of Fran Drescher's voice doesn't bother you.
For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.
You can name at least 4 hockey teams.
You don't know what a moon pie is.
You've never eaten Okra.
You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.
You'd rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
You refer to two or more people as "you guys."
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You prefer a bagel over a doughnut.
You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob,Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
You get freaked out when people in public talk to you.
None of your fur coats are made with real fur.
You don't know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.
You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for...(something)
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
Your idea of a perfect meal is "Lahbsta and Clam Chawdah."
You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.
Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.
You don't "reckon." You're not "fixin" to do anything.
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PROPHETIC PARROT
A burglar broke into a house one night. He flashed his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching YOU."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next score, and then clicked the light back on, and began searching again for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching YOU."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot MOSES?"
The parrot replied, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller JESUS."
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LOST IN TRANSLATION
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free," was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
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WORD-PLAY
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
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REAL-LIFE NEWSPAPER HEADLINE
"Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted"
NOT A BEVERLY HILLS COP
Subject: Hit the Floor
Having her hair done at a West Hempstead, NY, beauty parlor, a Woman told a cautionary tale about racial prejudice. The story deserves a wider audience.
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, the woman related, she won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she would stash the quarters in her room. I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... Very big... An intimidating figure.
The woman froze. Her first thought was, "These two are going to rob me."
Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully black. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."
Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet.
A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men, the average sized one, told her, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am. He spoke genially.
He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were robbing you? She didn't know. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room.
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing while they walked back to the elevator.
The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room ~ a dozen roses. Attached to each rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. A card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard.
Received from Tom Huff.
NOTA
I am not sure how often this changes, but I found it worth a visit...
http://www.allworld.net/inspiration/
Here's a good businessman:
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
Ouch...
A man and his wife enter a dentist's office. The wife says, "I want a tooth pulled. Don't use gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." "You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is." The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
A lesson to learn?
A huge flood occurs in the town the rabbi lived in, and he has to climb up on his roof to escape the water. As the water is rising almost to the roof, a canoe comes by and the man says, "come into the boat and I will save you". The rabbi says, "I will stay here, God will save me" As the water is at his feet, a motorboat comes by, and the people say, come Rabbi we will save you". The rabbi says, "God will save me". As the water is almost up to his chin, a helicopter comes overhead, and they say "climb into the plane. and the rabbi says again "No, God will save me. At the point of almost drowning, the rabbi says "God , I have been a good rabbi, and have always prayed to you. Why wont you save me? Suddenly the voice of God answers, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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The Laws of Work
a.. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work
nights.
b.. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the
butt.
c.. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
d.. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what you're going to do.
e.. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
f.. The more junk you put up with, the more junk you are going to get.
g.. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.
h.. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.
i.. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.
j.. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being
a fool about it.
k.. There will always be stuff rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
l.. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
m.. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
n.. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
o.. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she
is supposed to be doing.
p.. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in
the mail.
q.. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it.
r.. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by
your desk.
s.. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
t.. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
u.. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.
v.. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
w.. Following the rules will not get the job done.
x.. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
y.. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle
this?"
z.. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
aa.. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible
for everything that goes wrong.