Actual court testimony, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm and continuing to do their job as these exchanges were taking place! (The last one is a gem!)
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice,
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
Subject: All smoak and ~ well ~ lawyers
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against.... Get this.... Fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
SHEEP AND A JEEP
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure!"
The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas.
Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd.
He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee.
Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not" answers the young man.
"You are a consultant" says the shepherd.
"This is correct" says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"
"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I didn't need to ask because I already knew the solution. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."
>Murphy's Laws of Computing
1.. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2.. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3.. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4.. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6.. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistake is even more human, it is downright natural.
7.. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8.. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9.. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10.. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11.. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
SUPERGRANNIE, DEFENDER OF JUSTICE
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice: "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you bums!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:
(Check as many as apply.)
If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
If you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
If your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
If your boat ain't left the driveway in 15 years.
If your front porch falls in and kills more than two dogs.
If you burn your yard instead of mowing it.
If you think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
If your Mama don't bother to take the Marlboro from her lips when telling the Highway Patrol man to "Kiss my a%%!"
If the Salvation Army declines your mattress.
If your entire family ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
If you offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
If you have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
If you come back from the dump with more than you took.
If the trunk of your car is tied down and you ain't hauling anything.
If you keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
If your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
If you've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
If you think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
If you've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
If you've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
If your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
If you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
If you took a fishing pole to Sea World.
If you sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
If you go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
If you know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
If you've ever been kicked out of the K.K.K. for being a bigot.
If you have a rag for a gas cap.
If your granddaddy does the "Pull my finger" trick at Christmas dinner.
If your house don't have curtains but your truck does.
If you wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
If you consider your license plate personalized because your daddy made it.
If you think Dom Perigon is a Mafia leader.
If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
If you can spit without opening your mouth.
QUOTES FROM WILL ROGERS
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
Always drink creek water upstream from the herd.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of people. The kind that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
(And last, but not least, my favorite...)
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
OIL'S WELL
There are a lot of folks that can't understand how
we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer:
It's simple.........nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didn't know we were getting low.
And of course the reason for that is geographical.
All the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma,
and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
WORDISMS
The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
SOMETHING FISHY
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
MD STORIES
Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction:
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
*********
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
*********
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
*********
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. " Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked: he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
*********
I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!"
*********
During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
*********
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
SOME GEMS
Do What I Mean, Not What I Say
Written by Leanne M. Mallach
I had just gotten off of work and picked up my daughter from daycare. We got home and I started cooking dinner for the family. My daughter, Bethany, who was about 2 at the time, always loved to "help mommy" do things. I had just about finished making dinner, when Bethany asked me if she could help. I already had most of the dinner table set, but had one plate left to put on the table. I handed it to her, telling her to "be very careful and go and put the plate where Daddy sits."
Well, I didn't think another thing of it...until my husband came home and we went to sit down for dinner. I noticed that his plate was "missing", so I asked Bethany where she put it. She didn't say anything, but led me over to her Daddy's side of the table. She then pulled his chair out away from the table and there it was....."where Daddy sits"!!!
(...and they say that today's kids aren't obedient!).
* * * * * * *
The Little Mommy
Written by Gary S. Bennett
My sister is expecting her second child. She is about seven and a half months along now and has been, in her own words, "not easy to live with." I love her just the same. Recently I stopped by to visit and got into a conversation with my three year old niece (her daughter). She was playing dolls with her very un-shy girlfriend, who told me, in no uncertain terms, that she wanted to be a nurse when she grew up.
So I asked my niece what she wanted to be. With equal conviction she stated, "I want to be a mother when I grow up." Then, without hesitation, she added, "But, I don't want any children."
BECAUSE I AM A MAN
For the guys: don't try to use this as a defense!
For the wives: hand this off to your husbands.
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Because I Am A Man
(For the wives so they can understand us.)
Because I am a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in and I have damaged the vehicle.
>--------------------------------------------------------------
Because I am a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."
>-----------------------------------------------------------
Because I am a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
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Because I am a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "lady fingers." For all I know these could be the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick upany thing for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
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Because I am a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I am a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
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Because I am a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how in the world could he know where we're going?
>-----------------------------------------------------------
Because I am a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about, especially while driving quietly. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
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Because I am a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
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Because I am a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine.
>------------------------------------------------------------ Because I am a man, and this is, after all, a new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do all the rest.