Subject: HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS:
The Dentist's Hymn:................Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn..............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn:............... The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn:..................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn:..................There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn:..............Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn:................Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn:............I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn:..................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn:.............Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn:................Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn:..................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn...... He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn:...................... The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
-----55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer
-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
-----Over 100mph...........Precious Memories
REDNEX
What' the plural of y'all?
All y'all.
Did y'all hear about the SC redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust to his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the most popular pick-up line in Alabama?
"Nice tooth."
Emily Sue died and Bubba called 911. The operator told Bubba she would send someone out right away. She asked him where he lived, and he said, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." She asked him to spell it, and he said, "I'll just drag her over to Oak Street."
How do you know you're staying in a West Virginia hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and they say, "Well, go ahead."
How can you tell if a Texan is married?
Got dried tobacco on both sides of his pickup.
They raised the minimum drinking age in Tennesee to 26.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do you call Hee-Haw reruns in Mississippi?
Documentaries.
How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Oklahoma. If it would have been invented anywhere else it would have been called a
"teethbrush".
An Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup on I-40.
"Got any ID?" he asks the driver.
"'Bout what?" is the reply.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock burned down?
Yep. Pert near took out the whole trailer park.
A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
When a couple gets divorced they are still cousins.
Two Mississippians meet on the street, one carrying a tote sack. Donnie says, "Hey, Tom,
what you got in that there poke?"
"Jus' some chikins."
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, if you guess right you can have 'em both."
"Ummmmm........five?"
A South Georgia man came home to find his house on fire. Rushing next door, he called the
fire department. "Hurry," he said, "my house is on fire right smart!"
"How do we get there?" asked the dispatcher.
"Ain't y'all still got them big red trucks?"
Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movies in groups of 18?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
What do you have when you have 32 rednecks in one room?
A full set of teeth.
An elderly Irishman came into the bar and hoisted his leg over the barstool with great diffficulty. After asking for a sip of Irish whiskey, he asked the bartender, "Hey, is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to send an Irish whiskey down to Him. An ailing Italian with a hunched back came in and shuffled up to the bar, ordering Chianti. When he recognized Jesus he sent Him a bottle. A redneck then swaggered in and hollered for a cold one. He saw Jesus down at the bar and sent him a cold one also. As Jesus got up to leave, He walked over to the Irishman and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg and got up and danced a jig. Jesus touched the Italian next, and he raised his hands above his head and did a back flip. Then Jesus walked toward the redneck, but he jumped back and said, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
THE FINAL WORD
Subject: Epitaphs
Here are some funny epitaphs from real tombstones:
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Subject: This is a test of the National Intelligence Service (fwd) Some Really Awesome Lateral Thinking Exercises!
Think of the solution...before you look immediately at the answers.
---1
There is a man that lives on the top floor of a very tall building.
Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the
building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel
half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's
raining!
WHY? This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all
lateral-thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many
possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical
answer is truly satisfying.
---2
A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!"
How can this be?
---3
A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its lights off too but some how manages to stop in time.
How did the driver see the man?
---4
Title : The Elder Twin One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. A day later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. Why?
---5
Title : Manhole Covers Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? (This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle, which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.)
---6
Title : The Deadly Party A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
---7
Title: Heaven A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve.
How did he know?
---8
Title : Trouble with Sons A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins.
How could this be so?
--- 9
Title : The Man in the Bar A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.
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SOLUTIONS:
1)The man is very very short and so can only reach half way up the lift buttons! However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and so can press the higher buttons with that!
2)The surgeon is the boy's mother!
3)It was day time!
4)At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed a time zone and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. Therefore, the younger twin celebrates her birthday one day before her older brother.
5)A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
6)The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
7)He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and therefore they never had navels. This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments!
8)They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.) This simple little puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?
9)The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups -- so the man no longer needed the water. This is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation. Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages.
QUO(TA)
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Differences between Men and Women ************************************
NICKNAMES:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle.
But if Mike, Phil, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in$20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on "The Beverly Hillbillies." Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.