Even before I developed an appreciation of the works of Shakespeare, I was fascinated by his star crossed lovers, Romeo and Juliet.  I realise that, while I prefer books and movies with happy endings, not every screen pairing is guaranteed for life.  Indeed, there are matches that appear to have been made in the Redheads factory, rather than in Heaven.

The most unlikely movie couple has to be Charles Allnut and Rose Sayer from the classic movie, The African Queen.  I was so intrigued at the kind of future these two could expect, that I approached various movie studios to discover whether happy ever after was a myth or a real possibility.

Let me tell you what I discovered.

First, Charlie and Rosie.  After using the African Queen to blow up the German cruiser, the Louisa, on Lake Victoria, they made it safely to the eastern shore of the lake, and into Kenya.  Eventually making their way to England, Rose bullied Charlie into enlisting in the Royal Navy, where he lived out the war on escort duties in a small corvette around the east coast of England.  Up to his backside in sleet and snow, with ice on the decks, Charlie very quickly grew to resent Rose’s influence in parting him from his beloved Africa, and the easy life he had enjoyed there, ferrying supplies to the mines on the Ulanga river.

Deprived in the matrimonial home of his favourite tipple, gin, he soon turned to Navy rum on each tour of duty to ease his resentment.  In turn, Rose came to realise that she had joined her life to a slob who relied much more on the bottle than on the teapot.  Her missionary family showed their disapproval of her husband at every opportunity, and as soon as the war ended, Charlie absconded, resurfacing on the banks of Lake Victoria, where he devoted himself to hunting, shooting, fishing and drinking. 

Rose reverted to spinsterhood, and never again left England, spending her life weighing out pounds of sugar, tea leaves and flour in the family grocery shop, and drinking tea out of dainty flowered china cups, while debating the pronunciation of the word scone.   Or scone.

Now let me tell you about that other mismatched pair of lovers, Han Solo and Princess Leia, from the Star Wars saga.  Here again we have the same pattern as before.  Han Solo was another nomad, content to slob around a galaxy far, far away, while Her Highness was a duty driven aristocrat whose mission in life was to overturn the evil Empire.

After fighting throughout approximately ten hours of screen time, they eventually bonded very well, but once the Empire was overthrown, they discovered just how little they had in common, and decided not to attempt matrimony.  Han went back to interplanetary smuggling, along with his giant Wookie companion, while the Princess fulfilled her destiny by becoming a founder member of the new Galactic Government, which had as its primary objective the eradication of interplanetary smuggling.

Edward and Vivienne from Pretty Woman  turned out to be the worst mis-match of all.  Yes, he rescued her and took her back to New York, and they were very happy for a couple of years, but Vivienne grew tired of being left alone by her workaholic husband, and reverted to type.  She frequently ducked out, donning her blonde wig and safety pinned boots, to tout for custom beneath the second lamppost on the right in Central Park.

Inevitably, a friend spilled the beans to Edward, upon which he completely lost his cool.  The next morning when Vivienne arrived home with grass stains on her mini skirt, he lost all control during the blazing row that ensued, and bludgeoned his faithless wife to death with a champagne bottle.  All his wealth couldn’t save him from justice, and he is still incarcerated in Sing Sing, where he runs the savings bank for the other, rather optimistic, prisoners on Death Row.

Johnny Castle and Baby from the movie Dirty Dancing fared better after the credits rolled, dancing their way through a reasonably happy marriage, though Baby did come to resent being called Baby, and whenever Johnny failed to call her by her real name of Frances, she’d trip the light fantastic all over his toes. In later years, pedal arthritis overtook Johnny, and he could no longer mambo to the satisfaction of his wife.  Frances can still be seen, bopping along behind Johnny’s wheelchair, pushing him through the shopping malls, watching the rapping teenagers with a wistful look on her face.

From my short sample, you can see that only 25% of romantic onscreen partnerships are viable once the director has called, “Cut!”

This seems to indicate that, if a screen couple fight their way into love, then once the movie is in the can, they will promptly fight their way out of it, away from the public eye.  So, let me tell you that you can blame Hollywood for perpetuating the myth that opposites attract.  As we now know, even without that fateful, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” Scarlett and Rhett would have parted before the audience had dashed out of the cinema in order to avoid having to stand during the playing of God Save The Queen.