A Site Devoted to the Dissemination of the Mullet Mythos

CAUTION: There are many self-professed "mullet" pages published throughout the wide web. Most pages, while entertaining, do little to inform the reader of the culture and events that gave birth to the "Mullet". This treatise has been published to fill a necessary void: The History of the Mullet.
If you are searching for humor, you may want to check out the links to the "funny" mullet pages.
If you can't read so good, want to skip all this high falutin' learnin' stuff and are more interested in finding out how to join your local Mullet Militia, then check out The Mullet Militia


Mullet Compendium

  1. ORIGIN

  2. HISTORY

  3. FALL FROM GRACE

  4. THE CROWN PRINCE OF MULLET

  5. HISTORY OF THE MULLET II

  6. Episode VI: THE PHANTOM MULLET

  7. THE DARK SIDE

  8. MILITIA: WHAT IT TAKES

  9. HALL OF SHAME

  10. Appendix A: Mullet Dictionary

In the proud tradition of Herbert Smelknap and other failed writers, let our journey begin...

ORIGIN

Mull-et: The traditional hair style of nobility and learned men, comprising of the short front, long back (SFLB) configuration. One common myth is that the Mullet hair style gets its name from the like-named breed of fish. Legend has it the fishmongers of Iceland cultivated the hair style to keep their necks warm and dry against the North Atlantic spray. Nothing could be further from the truth! The Mullet or SFLB for short, has its origin in the ancient Palaces and Universities of Poland. Mullet is actually a compound word combining the words "mull" to ponder, and "et" a Polish suffix meaning eternally. Thus the Mullet gets its name from those who were forever engaged in intellectual processes.

HISTORY

The Mullet thrived as a status symbol for thousands of years throughout what is now Poland, until 1939. It was at this time that Nazi forces invaded the Mullet homeland. In an attempt to quash the morale of the mighty Poles, Hitler launched Operation Mullet-Kaput! This dastardly plan was to round up the intellectual and political leaders of Poland, as they were easily distinguished by their SFLB hair style. As a result, the Mullet was driven underground. As Nazi forces began to withdraw in 1945, The brave Poles sought to hasten their departure with guerilla tactics. Armed with little more than spud-guns and the battle proven SFLB, the Mullet-Militia was born. Unfortunately, several spud-related eye injuries postponed their first offensive until 1957. By this time, members of the former Mullet Dynasty found themselves oppressed by the likes of Joseph Stalin.

"Das Mullet ist Kaput!" Proclaimed a jubilant Hitler after the fall of Warsaw

FALL FROM GRACE

Fortunately, several key members of the Mullet clan were able to escape the Iron Curtain, most settling in North America. After almost 20 years of persecution due to their high intellect and sharp hair style, most Mullets vowed never to think much about anything again. Thus, virtually all higher brain function of the once great intellectual society of the Mullet stopped. In order to further cover their tracks, the remains of the Mullet clan slipped into the back country of the United States and Canada. There, the Mullets enjoyed hunting, hockey, snuff, and honky-tonk music as they frolicked about their trailer parks. One might speculate that the migration to trailer parks reflected the degradation of Mullet wealth, but that is simply not the case. The "trailer" or "mobile-home" was seen by the Mullets as a great convenience as it would allow them to escape any future oppression in a moment's notice.

THE CROWN PRINCE OF MULLET

The Last Czar of Mulletocracy: Larry Bud Fortensky

During the last twenty years, there has been a resurgence in the Mullet's popularity. The catalyst for the revival was perhaps the marriage of Elizabeth Taylor to Mullet Czar, Larry Bud Fortensky. Many a foolish reporter speculated that Fortensky was after Taylor's meager holdings, but again, the truth is far different. With her popularity waning, Taylor found herself increasingly overweight and unable to pay off her Cost-Co and Food-4-Less credit cards. With the help from The Dark Side, Taylor learned of the only surviving heir to the Mullet fortune, Larry Bud Fortensky. Fortensky had recently been admitted to a rehabilitation clinic near Taylor's home. With this knowledge, Taylor soon thereafter feigned addiction to moon pies (ironically, Taylor became addicted to Pork Rinds while under the clinic's care, a condition from which she has yet to recover) and admitted herself to the same clinic as the forgotten Prince. Taylor made quick work endearing herself to the distraught Fortensky who was receiving treatment for Flintstones vitamin addiction. Sure enough, her Hollywood savvy charm lured poor Fortensky to the altar. Taylor quickly assembled her team of Nazi-Lawyers to draw up a crooked prenuptual agreement, using three and four syllable words to confuse Fortensky. After the wedding, Fortensky would awaken, finding his crotch being palpated by a Mullet-clad Michael Jackson squealing "Shamon! Ugghhh.. Owww... Gonna feel real good... Shamon..." Needless to say, Fortensky could only endure such treatment for a few years, and the Mullet fortune was soon lost.

Wacko Jacko & Evil "E"

HISTORY OF THE MULLET II
or
MULLET KING DOPPELGANGER

The disbeliever asks, "What about Billy Ray? I thought Mr. Cyrus was the Crowned King of the Mulletocracy?" Don't get your pretty locks in a twist. Just like any good Bible story, the history of Mullets is often twisted, rife with contradictions, full of foul-smelling characters and continually added to and improved, err...clarified. The following historical account will serve to hash out this anomoly in the Mullet lineage. Read on, oh shameless one:

Larry & Billy were "Mulletese twins" - a very rare condition caused by a recessive gene occurring in only about one one hundredth of a percent of the Mullet population. This condition occurs when two ovum are released by the female and fertilized by the male spermatazoa, in much the same way that fraternal twins are created. But in a bizarre twist that makes this condition a form of conjoined twin, the fetuses grow attached - at the mullet. Even with proof of this type of twin, Swarthmore has taken an uncharacteristically censored stance and does not mention this type of conjoined twin. It should in fact be listed under case 3: Rare forms of conjoined twins, having different patterns. The "Mulletese Twin" is known scientifically as Mulletagus. It is believed that the Craniopagus conjoined twin is an under-developed Mulletagus. The Mulletese twin does not actually conjoin until the follicles develop and produce hair which is accepted into pores of the hosts epidermis. In this manner, hair is shared by both fetus's in a socket-type arrangement. The growth of the fetus continues unhindered by the attachment. Although, a few cases have been reported where a fetus has been strangled by the ever-lengthening mullet. At birth, scissors are used to sever the mullet that binds the newborns. Both newborns will have their own hair type and that of their twin in their mullet. This fact, coupled with recent advances in DNA testing similar to those used to prove Clinton's encounter with Ms. Lewinsky, has led to proof positive that Mr. Cyrus does indeed share the throne with Mr. Fortensky.

Little is known about the true reason these children were separated at birth. There is much conjecture, but the truth as we tell it is: for simple protection of the race.

Episode VI


The Phantom Mullet

The journey starts from the birth of our Mulletese twins: Larry and Billy. Deep in the bowels of Sun City Nevada. As is often the case with Monarchies, there can only be one heir to the throne, and therein lay the problem: what to do in the case of a twin birth? In ancient times, the weaker of the twins was demullified, and the detached mullet consumed by the stronger of the children. But that is not the case here. Billy was seen as the weaker of the mullets, as he appeared to be at least 20 years younger than Larry, which is a strange phenomenon considering that they were newborns at the time of the decision. Billy was then smuggled out to Arkansas and raised in a secret trailer park by the Cyrus clan, while Larry led a life of privilege in Sun City. In Sun City, Larry grew up with the finer things in life; running water, spam, government cheese and the occasional bar of soap! All the while lounging about his double-wide chateau.

Gomeck, just seconds after the attack

Billy on the other hand was forced into work as a child to help out the Cyrus clan. He began working at the "Louisville Court Gator Emporium" where he learned to feed and wrestle the beasts. Later, Billy was promoted to Circus veterinarian where he routinely gave enemas to "envig-rate the crocs". All seemed well until the day that tragedy struck the Cyrus home. While attempting to ignite the flattus of the most ferocious gator at the ranch with a lighter, Cyrus was attacked! This was no ordinary gator that attacked young master Cyrus. If only he were so lucky. Fate did not shine on our hero on that ill-fated day. You see, "Gomeck" was feelin a touch more ornery than usual on this particular occasion and he was about to teach a lesson his captors wouldn't soon forget. Like Boss Hog into a bucket of chicken, Gomeck tore into poor Billy Ray. The alligator batted Cyrus with its powerful tail and then bit off nearly all of his mullet!

Billy was then wheelbarrow-lifted to Johns Hopkins where seventeen hours and 1,576 micro-weaves later his mullet was restored. Now history tells us that you jest can't keep a good hillbilly down, why just look at our President. Billy Ray was not about to be an exception to the rule. With the same persistence Roscoe P. Coltrain musters week after week, week in week out, to chase those poor Duke boys, Billy started to write songs like "You sure got a pretty mouth", "Boot-Scootin Blues" and "Squeal like you wanna Squeal (An Appalachian Love Ballad)" while in recovery. Once he was released from their care, Billy's parents bought him a banjo and soon set these works to music, and thus began his music career.

Meanwhile, Larry lived a life of luxury. He was sent to "special" schools for "special children", and was even driven in a special half-size bus that was "special for him". Larry soon became very popular at the school and was voted "Most likely to drink from a brown paper bag". After nearly completing the fifth grade, Larry was forced out of the elitist public school system due to his "old age" at a mere 28 years. By way of Larry's fathers connections to the Polish Government, Larry was able to secure the highly coveted job of bricklayer. Of course this position put great demands upon the young Larry, and with the crushing pressure of the job, Larry soon turned to drugs... er, Flintstones... and as discussed previously, was swindled out of his fortune.

The future is bleak for the De-Mullified Fortensky

With his fortune now being squandered on cases of Slim fast and Royal Brazilian Mounted Dragoon uniforms, Fortensky went into a deep depression. Times became so hard for Fortensky, that he could no longer afford the upkeep on his mullet! Soon he experienced the dreaded Mulltdown, and was forced to sever what remained lest his whole head shrivel and die. Without his Mullet, Fortensky no longer had a right to the Throne of Mulletpotamia.

Upon hearing the news of his brothers lost fortune, Cyrus is reported to have said he was "all achy-breaky" over the incident. But this pity was just a show! Billy soon began work on a plot to overthrow his brethren, using his new-found popularity with hicks as his support base. A sarcastic Cyrus soon released his "achy-breaky-heart" single mocking his brother's misfortune. Within weeks, the Mullet Duma convened and elected Cyrus as the new Czar of Mullet.

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