PART ONE I got H’s good “news” 6/30/2002 (Our 21st Anniversary). The OW’s husband came to my house three weeks later. This was her second major affair in four years (she is in MLC) and her husband wanted her to come back! Again! Because you see everything was so wonderful when she finally settled back down after the first time it happened. She took her new “friend” everywhere and paid for everything but even free sex did not change the fact she was his mothers age. And eventually the 24 yr old boy got bored. Sept 30th I received the final divorce papers in the mail.

I got out before my H’s sense of self preservation (and the OW’s sense of desperation) kicked in so I did not lose everything. No money but I did get the house and land. Yes, H made it sound as if he would take better care of me after the divorce than before. He made lots and lots of promises. I just stared and said nothing since he had two heads and obviously came from another planet if he thought I was that stupid.

In the long run the X did not even prove true on the things HE had written into the divorce. Probably because without me there to take care of things they just didn’t get done. Remember, the more minutes, hours and days that pass the less and less you can trust. So don’t!! MLC-the overwhelming, and I do mean overwhelming fear of being “OLD” and washed up. I still remember the day I looked into the mirror and there was a 42 year old woman staring back where the day before there had been a fresh faced young 27 year old.

It took three years to come to terms with the new me. Talk about a pity party. I had to deal with 20 something’s (I work at a University) calling me Ma’m and treating me like I was their aunt or even worse for my ego, their grandmother. I really takes you down a notch when guys look at you like someone who needs help crossing the street. There was a lot of wistful sadness to deal with. But I did not go out and try to make an ass of myself. The young and the restless had become the old and the tired. I got over it folks. So I understand that this is absolutely their (MLC spouse) last chance to find “happiness” and “fulfillment” before that terrifying old man in the mirror drops dead.

There is a great big emptiness in their soul that they will proceed to fill with “things” to make the loneliness and fear go away. You suddenly find yourself becoming the parent of a (40/50 something) sixteen year old child in thought, action and deeds. You’re the selfish one, the one out of touch with reality. There is no yesterday, no tomorrow, only NOW, NOW, NOW, ME, ME, ME !!!

FOR THE SPOUSE in MLC. What I am trying to say is there is absolutely NO TOMORROW in a MLC meltdown so how can there be CONSQUENCES? The MLC spouse exhibits the following behavior in varying degrees and extremes:

Weight loss coupled with constantly working out
New wardrobe, very modern, very YOUNG and will often reflect a “new” hobby or pastime
New hair style, whiter teeth, manicured nails, plastic surgery, tattoo’s, piercing, extreme attention to personal appearance to the point of tactlessness’
Suddenly have a “new” set of friends, very often younger but definitely reflective of their “new” life style.
Very expensive new toys. These can be the classic MLC new house/car/boat/motorcycle or can be a new computer, Plasma TV. laptop, PDA, X box, Nintendo, etc. There may be lots of these.
The bigger ticket items may have your name on the dotted line (you will be paying for these items for years to come), those under a thousand may just show up or you find the box.

A just acquired new domicile you may or may not know about (apartment/house) for you know, vacation/retirement purposes Constant complaint about finances, YOU need to be frugal Spends money like a drunken sailor with no accountability Cashes out retirement, stocks, bonds, equity and trashes checking/savings accounts - yours, the kids, the dogs, etc. Becomes slightly distant and then escalates to extremely distant in attitude, loses all interest in family.

Temper becomes uncertain to volatile, even over very, very trivial things.

Wants to “get rid” of any thing and every one that interferes with their new lifestyle (no prom, wedding, college for the kids - pets are expensive, put them down or dump them out) Sudden preoccupation with death, even of people they barely know, as if they just noticed people do actually die, especially people their age!

Long held moral and ethical beliefs become null and void Suddenly takes up new hobbies/music/interests/restaurants/bars (they would not have been caught dead being seen doing these things or hanging out at these places in the past)

Becomes abusive or defensive when asked questions concerning their behavior or where abouts.

Will not talk/discuss what the problem is as there is no problem except the one YOU seem to be having

Takes out of town or overnight (business) trips

Can’t be reached by phone/cell. They are out of office or out of range

There will often be alcohol or drugs used as high octane fuel for the MLC because it’s exhausting keeping up the illusion of being young, beautiful, handsome, witty and endlessly available for fun and games.

PART TWO
Welcome to MLC!
This is not a temporary aberration in behavior. The “average” MLC runs three to five years. This is not an affair, a fling or just needing a “close” friend to talk to. Oh yea, did I forget to mention that in MLC they will never (true, my opinion) leave unless there IS someone else or several some ones.

They do not jump ship unless another one is setting sail. This one will tear your heart out! Just go on the assumption there is someone and have all the blood work for STD’s done. One of the by products of the MLC spouse “trying again/returning” no one talks about is having to have protected sex with no “extras”. They will have to be tested when they return and again six months later unless you want to play Russian roulette with your life and that of your family.

Stats: Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. Here is the breakdown for men.

Seventy five percent of ALL married men will cheat on their spouses at some point. For those in MLC this is how it works out, 25% will feel but not act on the urge to cheat, 25% will cheat once and may (or may not return), 25% will return and continue to cheat through the entire relationship or until divorced and 25% will spiral out of control and destroy their lives to the point where there is no recovery (think homeless men on streets).

Of those who do not return 70% will leave the person they had the affair with, 30% will marry the OW, 98% of these marriages will not last five years and of the remaining 8% only 2% will still be married after 10 years. There is no comfort in these stats. They really mean nothing to you until after the fact because you will not know which category your spouse is in until it is all over.

The OTHER WOMAN or MAN. There are two types, the USER and the LOSER. Two flavors to choose from but they can come with lots of toppings. The USER has latched on to your spouse (they were trolling the waters and your spouse was a starving large mouth Bass) and will use them to get everything they want and need to make their life comfortable with little risk to themselves. They are along for the wild and wonderful ride, meaning they get to go all the places and do all the things you never did since money is no object.

You can not compete with this personality because they are very much in the drivers seat. They have been here and done this before and will call all the shots. They will milk this Cow/Bull for all it is worth.

And no, the MLC spouse is totally blind to this so save yourself a lot of heartache and accept the fact you can’t save them from themselves. It’s called delusion, the spouse sees and hears exactly what they want too!

The LOSER (usually very young or very desperate-picture older) on the other hand has swallowed your spouse’s MLC lies hook, line and sinker. They are in the throws of “true love” and prince/princess charming has swept them off their feet. They have met their forever, one and only soul mate. And yes, they are also totally blind to the fact they are being used by the MLC person for his/her own purpose. The loser is essentially a “thing”.

Then there is the dreaded double whammy. Both your spouse and the other person are in the throws of MLC. You are now dealing with a skilled manipulator, who used too run through lovers like a runny nose through tissue, who is now in the middle of an emotional breakdown and has just decided that your spouse IS prince/princess charming.

With MLC there is usually a trigger, job loss/demotion, death in family or of close friend, etc.

Then at some point the above mentioned behaviors (which you will recognize in hindsight) will spiral out of control and they will walk out. They may simply walk out cold never to be heard from again or you may come home to the divorce papers on the kitchen table. You may get some version of “I am so confused”, “I need my space”, “I need time alone”, “Things are just not working out”, I want a separation, I love you-don’t love you, etc (my experience).

You will be advised to keep them at home at all costs because once they leave the odds of them returning plummet. You will not believe it but weather they stay or go has little to do with you. You will not want to face this. You will grasp at every straw, every little sliver of proffered hope. It’s the dead cat cure.

Didn’t you know? It’s an absolute fact that if you get gangrene in your arm and put a dead calico cat with one white ear, green eyes, three black paws and an orange tail on it you will miraculously recover. OK! Reality check! Just because one person did it that way does not mean it works, they just got lucky! So nothing you do or do not do, say or do not say makes any difference. Rant and rave, suck it up in silence, it’s all the same.

If they are going to leave they will find a reason/any reason to justify their actions. So they may stay, leave, come back, visit, promise to be your very BEST FRIEND forever or jump off a bridge or tall building but it is totally their decision. As Crystal says, hope for the best, work for the best and pray for the best but PREPARE FOR THE WORST!

You and your loved ones have become the family portrait on the wall. The MLC spouse recognizes a vague connection with the people in the picture but has no personal/emotional ties with those people. To give you an idea just remember what it is like to look at the family photo album at pictures of “family” long dead and gone. You never knew them except perhaps as some distant childhood memory, you have no current “history” with these strangers looking back at you. That is where the MLC spouse is in relation to you.

Your love, your feelings, your needs, your family is no longer “real” to them. BUT YOU ARE STILL THEIR PROPERTY. If they decide to crawl back into the picture it will be because they failed in the “new” life. Translation, the bloom is off the rose and they have been abandoned/dumped by the object of their affection. I doubt it has anything to do with “waking up” but it does have a great deal to do with desperation, the fear of being alone and dealing with the mess they have made of THEIR lives, not yours.

You will not sleep because your mind is running in endless circles lake a dog chasing its tail. It is a fail safe weight loss program because you can’t eat. Thinking becomes an agonizing labor as your mind is trapped by denial. Deep depression sets in. This is not happening to you! Your self worth is zero. Your sense of self preservation is screaming at you to save yourself from impending doom and your heart will not accept the reality of what is happening to you.

As a result you are frozen in the limbo of indecision. Welcome to Hell! The most painful thing I can say to you now is that the longer you are trapped by indecision and denial the worse the outcome will be. OK, you’re angry with me now. Good! You’re crying, screaming (why me-why, me-why me), gasping and sobbing with fear (been there, done that). All I can say is until you find ANGER (righteous anger) within yourself at what has been done to you no person can help you. The ANGER allows you to refocus.

The ANGER gives you the strength to look up out of the darkness within the well you’re digging (it’s called wallowing in self pity/fear and we ALL do it) and see that there is light above. The world really did not end. Use the ANGER to claw, crawl and squirm one inch at a time up and out of that pit. Because you and only you can determine how you are going to survive this life altering event. What the spouse does is irrelevant now and the longer you equate your fate with that of the MLC spouse the deeper your well of despair will become.

This holds absolutely true weather you are working towards salvaging the marriage or surviving the divorce. No matter which outcome befalls you there will be major changes and sacrifices to be made BY YOU! You have to take control of those changes and sacrifices so YOU are the one making the decisions that will benefit you and your family.

If you wish to save the marriage at any cost there are lots of sites and books that will sagely advise you on exactly what you are to say and do. They will lay out all the stages with neat explanations. I strongly advise you to search out those sites/books and READ NO FURTHER here.

My H never intended to leave, never intended to come back and is currently living happily ever after with his mistress whom he married just weeks after his mom died. So I do not know the answers to their coming back. So this is the ice water in face post.

I do recommend finding all the materials you can on MLC. Read as much as you can for your own protection. Follow all the recommended steps to protect yourself emotionally and FINANCIALLY.

Copy all important papers (life/health insurance, bank statements)
Freeze or divide all joint assets that can be cashed out
Copy all bills, especially charge cards and phone/cell
Run a credit report for yourself and spouse, close all unused/unneeded accounts that you can
Apply for your own credit card or get them off yours
Find a lawyer/CPA etc
Find/build support, (friends, church, web sites, chat groups, local hot lines and divorce groups (check your phone book) because you need all the help you can get)
If you don’t the benefit is you will either have to live forever because you can’t AFFORD TO DIE and then if you do your kids will be left fighting off collection agencies into their old age.

So reading up and taking action to protect yourself and your family does help but there is no magic pill. As much as you desperately want to wake up from this nightmare it does not happen any time soon. By the way, be aware every action you take to protect yourself or your children will be viewed by the MLC spouse as a direct attack on them. Be ready to deal with their anger at you and the “How dare you”, “What do you think you are doing” statements. Because you see they are not doing anything wrong but you are screwing up their perfect little trip to paradise. So straighten up or they will “make you sorry”. Please believe me when I say that this will prove fatal for some.

When the OW finally pried her X out of their house so she could move my X in she told the man she had been with for thirty years it was a good thing he had stopped fighting the divorce because they were going to have him killed ($5,000). In her mind this was the ultimate proof of how much my X loved her and what lengths he would go to have her for himself. How stupid can you get?

This is my experience. You will feel endless guilt over all the things they (books, web sites, people) say you have done wrong or are doing wrong. It will be all your fault because you did not do it right!

You will constantly second guess every thought, word and action in your dealings with the spouse. Every contact with the spouse will lead to days and months of dissecting every nuance of the interaction. You are so desperate for hope you will read volumes into nothingness. That’s right. Nothingness.

The person you knew is gone. You are the monster under the bed, the terror in the closet. The spouse will say and do anything to manipulate that monster as to facilitate escape. For them you no longer exist as a human being.

You will believe none of what I have written and you are now reading. It just can’t be true for you. You will be the exception. I hope you are. By God’s Grace I hope you are. It’s what I prayed for every moment of every day of every month. For me it was not that this couldn’t be happening to me but the terror that it could be happening to me.

The MLC spouse becomes a black hole that sucks all the warmth, love and light from your life. You will be violated and betrayed by the one you trusted most, loved most and respected most. Nothing about MLC is fair. You are a wounded child who wants desperately to be held, protected and comforted by the one person who was always there for you.

This person is now busy spending their time and your hard earned money on something or someone else. Many here call it a roller coaster ride. Endless grinding climbs followed by drops that leave you weightless/witless and bottom outs that pull more G’s than the body can humanly survive. For me it was the “Twilight Zone”. I could never wrap my mind around the unreality of what was happening. Think of a Dali painting where everyday objects expand, contract and ooze through your fingers. A concrete world suddenly melting before my eyes.

Your children will be devastated by this. They will suffer through the same feelings you do. Only now you are trapped between the spouse’s irrational behaviors and your children’s denial, anger, fear and frustration. Just when they need safety and comfort you are falling apart.

All I can suggest is too be honest and upfront about the implications of the situation but not cruel. My mom once told me I was just like my father (like many this is my second trip through this hell, last time I was the child). It felt like a verbal slap in the face and I would probably have recovered sooner if she had just hit me.

Your children will have to deal with the new reality in their own ways. Remember, they love both of you. Don’t try to make them take sides. As Crystal and the other’s say here it’s not what the person in MLC says that is important but what they do.

Your children will learn to observe what is really going on because the MLC parents’ actions will not ring true. Besides, they will try to use the children against you but kids/grandkids often interfere with the “new” lifestyle and relationships so it tends to backfire.

OK. Some of you will be the timid little mouse that the spouse will promise to take care of. He is going to be so gooooood to you because you are giving him everything he asks for. This person will not say anything nasty to you because you have become a non entity. You are not a threat.

If you buy this load of barn manure I have a fantastically boggy, mosquito infested piece of swap land I can sell you for the bargain price of $10,500 per acre. Any takers? And yes I do hold clear title to the property!

It is not and never has been about you!!

For one thing you are not the center of the universe. That distinction belongs to the spouse in MLC. You have become the garbage can they dump all the things they can’t stand about themselves into. They project all their angers, fears and frustrations on to you. Like a child in the midst of a tantrum they strike out at anything and everything around them.

The other man/woman gets to hear how terrible you are. You are now the B*****D or B***H. You will be used as an excuse when there is not enough money (your making demands, etc) or time (you’re so helpless, “I have to take care of something that has gone wrong”) or whatever to make the OM/OW happy.

They are playing King of the Mountain and they have just rendered you into dirt. They are reinventing their lives and retelling it the way they want it to have been. YOU have been written out of the script! In the Block Buster Movie of THEIR new life YOU are the cuttings on the editing room floor. SO NOW YOU ARE FREE TO WRITE YOUR OWN SCRIPT and make your own story come to life!

You ARE a blessed child of God. You are NOT a back ally dumpster where irresponsible people throw their unwanted lives away to rot. You are SPECIAL!!!! You are LOVED!!!!! You are needed and wanted and cherished by those around you. And if the MLC spouse can not see this then why are you trying to hold onto someone who could care less if you are alive and would be happier if you were dead? It would solve so many of THEIR problems and none of yours.

This is not a GAME! This is not about winning and losing. It is about reclaiming your SOUL. This is for real and every ounce of pain you have endured proves it. IN all things BE YOURSELF and not what SOMEONE ELSE EXPECTS YOU TO BE. You can survive. You will survive. And there will come a day when you realize that you have been SET FREE (boy was this a shocker for me).

You have the strength to pursue your life’s purpose. You have abilities you never perceived. You have dreams beyond imagining. Out of this long night of pain a new and wondrous adventure awaits. Your life is waiting for you to reach out and claim it again and make it your very own.

Perhaps being SET FREE is what we are all really afraid of in the end. Maybe that is why we hold on so hard and fight so long to retain/regain the old life. Is that where all the rage comes from? Suddenly we are abandoned and alone. Truly alone! With just ourselves and no one else to fall back on. We used others to validate our existence and without that feedback we are stripped to the bone. Do we like what we see? Does it frighten us (me) so much that taking back someone who inflicted so much pain and sorrow is a preferable option to choosing one’s (my) own path, being responsible for one’s (my) own choices, living one’s (my) own dreams?

So you see, I struggle with all the questions just as everyone else here does. Time and especially distance does help. I am learning to be patient (this is a killer). But unlike the spouse in MLC I do not pray to “be Happy” just one last time. I pray to be content with myself and the world around me, to appreciate the blessings and to live life in the simple joy of the moment.

What comes tomorrow will be faced, cried over and celebrated but never taken for granted. Perhaps I am getting a second chance to “grow up” and become the person I could/should have been before I allowed someone else to determine who and what I was to be? That is why as much as I wanted him back it would never have worked out. Like a caterpillar (living my “happy” little life) being cocooned by MLC (and that well of self pity/fear) I am breaking free to become someone else. And once out of that silken box I can’t stuff myself back in without doing irreparable damage to body and soul. So slowly fan new life into those gossamer wings and as they are filled with the pride of your accomplishments and belief in yourself know that others will marvel at your beauty and grace as you pass through their lives. My life’s goal is to be a Blessing” and not a “Curse” to others. There is enough sorrow in the world without me adding to it.

This site is wonderful because it validates what you are experiencing. You are not really alone. You may beat yourself up for the decisions you make and feel you are worthless and then magically jump to another’s defense with strength and dignity. As you pour out the wisdom of your pain a single sentence may make all the difference to an anonymous reader who sees themselves reflected in your words (I did). It is that moment when you think “AH” that is just the way it is/was. I am not going crazy, I am not insane, someone understands.

I would like to thank all those who have posted the sorrows of their hearts here for others to see. It has made such a difference to so many. You have helped to give me the strength to find my path to healing. And yes that takes a very long time and distance. Especially distance from the one who inflicted such thoughtless pain into each of our lives.

I remember how emotionally fragile I was when I first came to this site. How long it took to finally post. I felt like a stranger intruding into a private conversation so I understand Crystal's point of view. Only Crystal posted back. Thank you for that, it gave me the courage to open up and try again.

Don’t you remember how frightened you were of rejection when first you wrote? How much it meant to find support. To be taken seriously. To be BELIEVED! This site is not about me or you for that matter. It’s about the shock of having your life crumble before your eyes in a matter of days, weeks or months.

Perhaps I should say I view this site as the trauma unit for MLC where people fight for their sanity, for their very lives, not post operative care. You are the nurses who speak from experience, you can help and in doing so heal yourself.

Just do not forget the patient. Because it really is not about my specific pain or yours. It’s about reaching out to others. It’s about knowing you do count and you do make a difference. So much for my two cents worth on the subject.

Thank you all,
Shirley