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Welcome to the world of Cumfiend!
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You know, cum is a wonderful thing, but not enough people know how to use it properly. I am the high priest of cumology, and
will bestow my semantic semen skills on you all, my apprentice cumfiends! Be not fearful, for cum is to be embraced and swallowed!
A wise man once said, "Lam lam doimoi loi", Mongaloidese for "tis no art nobler than felching". But not
any straw will suffice. I find Burger King straws to be particularly cumpatible with required orifices, whereas McDonald straws
can be cumbersome. How do you find the right tool for felching? Sign my guestbook, novice cumfiends, and let me know. Similarly,
if you have found any good parks recently for cottaging, don't keep it to yourself, buddy - ejaculate forth on my open book.
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Drink up - there's more to cum
I love toilets...full of cum...mmmm
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What's New?
26/12/00 - I'm soooo excited I could cum. My debut single is out next Monday - it's a cover of the Beatles
classic, "I Am The Cumfiend". The first 300 copies of the CD format cum free with a vial of cum - my cum, buddies!
I'm also making a film in summer, "Charlie's Anals", featuring Michael Barrymore and Ron Jeremy. Oh yeah my cumfiends,
life is good!
29/12/00 - Found a great men's public toilets in Russell Square! Spent all night there, and I am still drenched in cum. Highly
recummended!
19/1/01 - I did it. I've tried for ten years to get it and...I've got AIDS. I knew I could do it, my buddies. Oh what a joy
to spread this sacred gift around. Gotta rush and infiltrate a gaping shitter!
21/1/01 - Oh cum oh cum...I've just
been offered a bit part in the upcuming all-anal blockbuster movie, "Sphincter's List", starring alongside Jeff
Stryker, Peter North, Randy West and Ronan Keating. My poor little shitbox will be obliterated...I hope! Oh buddies, life
is so good!
22/8/01 - Sorry, you guzzling cumfiends - I've been really ill with AIDS but now I'm better. In fact, I've cumpleted my first
EP, "The Paedo Files". This will make you cum and cum! Featuring "Isn't It Nice To Watch", "The Flumps"
and more cumpositions, it's available in HMVD and Anal Virgin. Buy now, you fuckcunts!
24/8/01 - Hey cumguzzlers,
my new film is out on video next week! It's called "SHITTY SHITTY GANG BANG" and features me, Sukamoto, Mr. Weston
and Brian Dowling (winner of Big Buggerer). Available in all Soho sex shops run by a bloke called Ron, buy it, cuntfucks!
7/9/01 - Fuck. Spent all night in hospital having my stomach pumped after sucking 69 blokes off in Russell
Square and swallowing their hefty loads. Nearly O'D on cum. Will recover for 3 hours then must go cum-hunting again. See ya,
glopsquishers!
16/9/01 - Hey fuckshits, my new single "Dirty Whore" is in all the glop shops tomorrow!
12" features a remix by Mothers In Jism and first 69 copies of the CD include a scratch'n'sniff sleeve (smell the cum!).
14/12/01 - Hey cumsloppers, the album "Fuck Santa" is now OUT!!! Check out the page entitled THE CD...
29/12/01 - As I sit here violently masturbating over a charming video entitled "LOCK, COCK AND TWO BLOKES
IN DARRYL", I am struck by the thought that most of us forget the real meaning of Christmas amidst the turkey gobbling,
cum guzzling and rimming. I implore you to take a minute out of your busy wanking schedule and think of Jizzus Christ. Praise
Jizzus. Semen.
16/7/3 - Well fuck me. It's been ages since I've updated all of you fellow jismdrinkers. Whilst relieving myself and
four other strapping members of Westlife in Green Park toilets a year and a half ago, my eyes were struck by a blinding
flash. No, it wasn't a case of cumeye. I was transported to a planet called Cottagonia where all the inhabitants are
descended from Peter Wyngarde's splatterings on a Leicester toilet wall (circa 1974). Forced to become a fisting gimp, my
knuckles slowly wore away and for the first time in my life, I had no access to the exilir of life, also known as white wee
wee. It was then I reclaimed my faith of Goo-gayism and, in particular, the wise words of Duncan Norvelle. In my mind,
I began to chase him; after 15 months of these mental exercises, the great Norvelle manifested before my eyes and brought
me back. "So that's what you do now!", I said. "And I thought you were just another washed-up cunt like Norman Collier". He
laughed and then shot off without warning. Mmm, cum.
Anyway, you'll be pleased to hear that all of the above has resulted in a major creative spurt...and a few other ones
that nearly took the postman's eye out. My new CD, "Analthology", will be released soon. I will keep you informed - I was
booked in to play VD In The Park last week-end, but the cunts that organise it took offence to the fact that my drummer, Nigel
Once, uses drumsticks made out of dead Latvian men's cocks. Apologies to all my fans for this, and I hope that both of you
will make it to my next gig, which will be sponsored by Kleenex.
28/7/4 - Hey fuckcunts! I'm back! Had a bit of nasty AIDS but my doctor put me on a strict diet of meat and 2 veg, washed
down with rophynol. Now I feel rapetastic! I have a new single out called "Disco Dancing With The Rapists", backed
by a Justin Timberlake cover, "Roph Your Body"! I will be in Russell Square this Saturday 2AM, signing copies! I
will also do a short set with my new band, The Turdticklers! But please, I do not want any more AIDS (although I would like
maybe some of the nice AIDS), so bring some of these along if you want to give me one up the bum (no harm done):
29/7/4 - Well blow me and shove a hamster up my gaping shitter! I have just heard that Status Quo admire my album "Analthology"
so much that they want to do a track with me. We are going into the studio next weekend (by which time I will surely have
a weak end) to record one of their classic songs, with a few lyric changes by yours truly. Look out for "Rophin' All
Over The World"!
I am so looking forward to the gig this Saturday and hope that you will all give me a warm entrance!
3/8/4 - Well what a gapetastic last few days I've had. My Saturday gig was a raping success - I even had Roph Harris supporting
me! We even duetted on his touching song, "Three Little Boys". Thank you all for cumming - I feel as though I've
widened the circle of my friends. But enough about anal fisting.
I really must shoot off now as...I'm about to cum. See ya, shitfucks!
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12/8/4 - Hey, quite a few of you AIDS infested bandits have e-mailed me about the lack of a photo of me! Well, I happen to
have just had some photos taken by Bailey. David? No, Percy Bailey, the well known photographer from Kensal Rise who never
charges me for these sessions! Probably because I blow him instead! Anyway, here's my favourite. Am I a handsome cunt or what?
13/8/4 - Well cuntshits, it's nice to sometimes chill and have a drink in Compton's the odd afternoon. With the use of Bluegoo
technology, I can cummunicate with you from cubicle 2 in the men's toilets. I've only been on here 5 minutes and I'm already
causing a cum ocean! Right now as I type, I am being rimmed by a one legged Latvian midget. Delicious! However, I can't wait
to go back outside and order a Cum Cocktail, cumprising Bailey's (David Bailey's, to be precise) and a hefty dollop of four
barmen's kids. Jealous? Well, pisswanks, this is what it looks like:
13/8/4 10.42pm - Ooh, my ass feels sore! I am still in Compton's and must have a lot of AIDS in me by now! By 4pm, I was feeling
a bit peckerish, so I had Willy Cum Carne, washed down with a pint of Bonenburg, followed by some Banrophy Pie. Then back
to the toilets for more banditry! I am currently being felched by Robin Askwith whilst sniffing some daisies bathed in amyl
nitrate. I've had a great day but my finances have been stretched, not to mention my sphincter. Anyway, there goes the last
bellend, must fit one more in before I go! See ya, smegfreaks!
10/5/5 - Hello, rapehounds! Very sorry not to keep you updated, but I have the bad AIDS again. I'm feeling better now,
and look forward to trawling my old hunting grounds again. One of my legs has been amputated. No reason, I just felt like
it.
The bad AIDS emanated from a rather heavy night out in Soho. I decided to go to one of my favourite cocktale...sorry,
cocktail bars. Unfortunately, I had more than a few White Russians that night. They seemed to enjoy it, but one of them obviously
didn't go down too well.
Anyway, I was in a rare record shop today and found a rarity which I was involved in. Around the late 60's, I was heavily
into my period of political song writing; being in NY at this time, it was a heady time of black consciousness. Mind you,
with the amount of Rohypnol that I used to sell in the ghettos at that time, there was quite a lot of black unconsciousness
too. I digress. I met a charming young man called Donny Hathaway, and wrote several songs which were all intended for his
debut album. Unfortunately, his record company had reservations about the staunch overtly gritty tone of the lyrical content.
However, I managed to track down an acetate of one of those beautiful songs. I have scanned it especially for you:
I will upload this aural work of art for you as soon as I've taken Rapey for a walk. Oh, I didn't tell you, did I? I now have
a dog. I've called him Rapey. He's a Yorkshire terroriser, I think.
Meanwhile, I have kindly posted some MP3s of my musical ejaculations on the CD page. There is also now a guestbook! I
look forward to hearing from other Cumfiends across the globe!
Anyway, must shoot!
3/6/5 - Hey spluntgussets, I had a lovely meal last night. I guess you could call it Load In The Hole. Anyway, I was disgusted
to receive this letter today. I have scanned it for your perusal; sorry for all the other stuff on it, got a bit messy:
What is the world cumming to? It's noncesense.
By the way, I will be in Russell Square on June 19th at 2AM, signing copies of my album. I look forward to meating you
all! My good friend Tom Cruise will be there, along with his lovely partner Eamon Holmes. Dear old Tom, he never misses an
opening...
4/6/5 - I am absolutely overcum with excitement over the upcumming release of my major label single debut "Disco Dancing
With The Rapists"! I must thank Jonathan King who has championed this track on his website www.thekidsheet.co.uk! He
has really gotten behind me and exerted himself fully. There was never any question of him pulling out, which has made it
all so much more satisfying. The single schedule is going well too. To those who have been hiding under a cock for the last
few months, Chris MoiLoiDoi from Radio Schlong has been playing this every day. I was quite worried that the Manic Street
Preachers' sample from "Tsunami" might be a hellish cunt to clear, but they love it and told me at a meeting today
that "the recontextualisation of the original song can be seen as Jungian in its very attempt to"...I'd fallen asleep
by that point, fucking long-winded sheepshaggers.
Anyway, I will be performing this at the Live Aids gig on July 2nd. As you are aware, a lot of people in the Third World
have AIDS. But there are also a lot of people who haven't, and feel that they are missing out. So all money raised from the
gig will go towards getting big tubs of Aids which will be dropped into these unaffected areas. So for once, ask yourself
if you really need 2 packets of Rohypnol.
Anyway, "Disco Dancing With The Rapists" is out on July 4 on Warn Her Records.
12/6/5 - Well my little rapedogs, I have a band gig cumming up in July at Big Gay Out. Cumrag (you like the name, fuckshits?)
will be playing in the Trouser Tent and hope that many of you will look up me...sorry, that should have been "look me
up". Feel free to print up this flyer.
18/8/5 - Hey cumcurdlers! Now, I have received a few emails from some ladies out there who feel that this site is a bit too
cockcentric. So I have addressed this cumbersome issue. Many of you may have heard Terry Wigon announcing on his popular radio
show that 50 lucky girls would be receiving a letter from Cumfiend inviting them to a speed raping event. Here's a picture
of 2 lucky winners:
Errol Brown once sang "Everyone's a winner baby, that's the truth". Well he's a lying cunt. Ask this poor girl who
was distraught at not being picked:
But fear not, turdticklers. This brief foray into the world of vag won't last for long; it will be even shorter if any of
these wenches turn up smelling like Billingsgate Fish Market. Remember what it says on the letter, ladies; wash your cunts.
LOOKING FOR MALE COMPANY? JUST CUM ON OVER TO BOYZ-TO-MEN.COM. NO NEED TO BE AT THE "END OF THE ROAD"! MEET MEN
WHO JUST WANT TO SAY "I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU"! YOU CAN BE SURE THAT THEY'LL BE "ON BENDED KNEE"!
"MY 2 INCH COCK IS WAITING TO BE SUCKED", SAYS MR. WESTON! WWW.HUGETINYCOCK.COM
Men! Wish you had an extra cock for those special moments? Why not check out the nice knob range at www. sukamoto.com?
www.kiddiefiddlers.com - see young children playing the violin!
 
Deparved aardvark sex!
SITE DESIGNED BY WWW.RECTALHOUND.COM
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