Aries
You are a short person who spends a lot of time looking up. You can't stay focused long enough to ever get anything done, and the only thing you ever finish is a bag of Dorito's. You annoy what friends you have and everybody else bought an answering machine to avoid having to say hello to you. Today is a bad day for you because you woke up.

Taurus
You are an emotional dweeb. If it can't be made to go the way you want, you are quite happy to ruin it for everyone else. There are a lot of mirrors in your house because you need constant attention. You love Ann Landers. You think other people like you when you hear them say "Get Lost!" Today is a bad day for you because you just want it to be.

Gemini
You bother people. You start fights and then run away like a gazelle. You wear massive doses of body deoderant thinking people will not notice that you have not taken a shower in six weeks. You are easily amused..Look! a dog with a puffy tail..hehehe here Puffy... If you are actually reading this, it's probably for the tenth time because you have an attention span in the minus numbers. Today is a bad day for you because....here Puffy....hehehe

Cancer
You are the world's biggest nag. You go on and on ... and on. You also have a high voice that goes through most people like cut glass. People find you hysterical when you try to be romantic. You have a shiney forehead. You are happy because you count animals as friends. You never learned how to drink out of the carton. Today will be a bad day for you because the Zoo is closed.

Leo
You lie about everything. Even when you get handed the facts, you lie. This bothers you because you think everyone is as stupid as you are. You lie to get attention, and if this does not work, you bang on a frying pan with a metal spoon. The only mystery in your life was solved the minute you learned how to talk. Today will be a great day for you. See? I can lie too!

Virgo
You think too much, and take longer than anyone to complete even the simple things because you spend too much time thinking. You call it detailing. Others call it s l o w . You measure your eyebrows. You trim your toenails with a micrometer. If someone cared to, they could look in one of your ears and see out the other side. Today will be a bad day for you because it will last forever.

Libra
You always feel sorry for yourself. Then you do stupid things. Then you blame others. This is your life. You look funny. Then you got a haircut and ended up looking even more funny. Blame the barber. Eat everything in the kitchen. The world needs more losers like you. Today will be a bad day for you because baldness is hereditary.

Scorpio
You cheat to win. You must win at all costs. If you find yourself losing you fake an injury. Winning is a religion to you. If you cannot win, you cheat. You also think that this makes it all ok, as long as you won. You admire yourself. No one likes you except the people at the N64 cheat hot line. Today will be a bad day for you because...you can't cheat fate.

Sagittarius
You hear voices inside your head. They whisper to you..don't they? Yes, yes they do. What's that? Yes..give in. You know you want to. They say you must. They don't lie, they are your friends. Best friends. We are with you now. You make us strong. Now go..run down the street naked. Today will be a bad day for you because you don't listen.

Capricorn
You are a know it all little dork. You make everything look easy because you can. You can be optimistic about a rainy day and this bothers normal people. You are humble about yourself and this bothers people even more. You care about other people and try to help in any way. Today will be a bad day for you because you really bother people.

Aquarius
Well well well, you loser. What's the matter now? Can't face another day because you didn't get finished on time again? You really annoy people because you never finish anything. You have trouble finishing a sentance. Is that your fourth grade teacher calling...you didn't finish your homework? Today will be a bad day for you because you didn't finish...again.

Pisces
You are a busybody. Stay home today and talk with no one. Don't use the phone either nosy. Stay out of other people's affairs. Hey! I said OFF the phone. You must get your own life, and this can only..Hey! I said NO PHONE!!! Today will be a bad day..HEY!! I SAID!! NO! PHONE!!!