41st Infantry Regiment

Delta Company

1st Battalion (Mech.), 41st Infantry Regiment

2nd Armored Division (Forward)

A Collection of Jokes with a Military Flavor

a light hearted look at our time in uniform

Submitted by: Joe Moreira
Author: unknown
In the beginning there was the plan,
and then came the assumptions,
and the assumptions were without form,
and the plan was completely without substance:
and the darkness was on the faces of the soldiers, and they spoke amongst themselves saying, "it is a crock of shit and it stinks!"
and the soldiers went unto their sergeants saying, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
and the sergeants went unto their platoon leaders saying, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that may abide by it."
and the lieutenants went unto their company commanders saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its' strength."
and the captains went unto their battalion commanders saying, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."
and the colonels went to the division commanders saying, "It promotes growth and is very powerful!"
and the generals went unto the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the National Command Authority saying, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this organization!"
and the Joint Chief and the NCA looked upon the plan and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy!
This is how shit happens.

Submitted by: Joe Moreira
Author: unknown
Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Submitted by: Joe Moreira
Author: unknown
For all of us who drank way too much caffeine during 4-day ARTEPs, pulling CQ, preparing for CI's, ect, ect, ect . . .
You Know You Drink Too Much Coffee When. . .

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
All your kids are named "Joe."
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Submitted by: Joe Moreira
Author: unknown
The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
The CO said, "I see millions of stars."
1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

Submitted by: Joe Weddington
Author: unknown
Murphys Law Of Combat Operations
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
Weather ain't neutral.
If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.
If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.
Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.
So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.
The side with the simplest uniform wins...
The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.
The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.
Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?
How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?
Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?
Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.
The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!
The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!
Rules of the Rucksack
1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.
2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.
3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.
4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Phillip's Law:
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Weatherwax's Postulate:
The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.
Least Credible Sentences:
1. The check is in the mail.
2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.
3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

Brintnall's Second Law:
If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:
1. Refute the last established recommendation.
2. Add yours.
3. Pass the paper on.

Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anything.

Rune's Rule:
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):
You get the most of what you need the least.

Hane's Law:
There is no limit to how bad things can get.

JOKE PAGE

A SOLDIER�S CHRISTMAS CAROL

DAVE'S STORY

Created and Maintained by David J. Nichter.

Updated: 23 October, 2000