Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Galaxy Song by Eric Idle
Topic: Utter Insanity
Okay, so a lot of this is quotes by Jack Handy because I decided to try my hand at the famous quote based harrasment bits. It turned out pretty good... sorry Jim : )


RegentTigress: NI!
templarjim565: ...
RegentTigress: I think I've made a mistake
templarjim565: ...
RegentTigress: I thought the state appointed shrink was my friend : (
RegentTigress: turns out he's not
templarjim565: you've made your LAST mistake
RegentTigress: really? does that mean you're gonna kill me?
templarjim565: he told me everything I need to know... WITCH!
RegentTigress: ......you know a little trick I've learned for when I want to kill people? To calm myself down I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
templarjim565: SEE!
RegentTigress: see what?
templarjim565: that's black magic
templarjim565: heretic
RegentTigress: Oh.
RegentTigress: like voodoo?
RegentTigress: Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
templarjim565: I knew I'd have to set you on fire someday, you foul heretic
RegentTigress: oh
RegentTigress: I think if I'm ever on fire, I'll try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw me into a panic.
templarjim565: don't worry
RegentTigress: okay!
templarjim565: I wouldn't let you have a mirror
RegentTigress: Oh
RegentTigress: that'd wouldn't be cool of you!
templarjim565: you'd probably cast some evil spell
templarjim565: WITCH!
RegentTigress: you know, the indians allowed me freedom when I was their captive
RegentTigress: I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads
RegentTigress: it was only later that I discovered they weren't indians but all dirty clothes hampers
templarjim565: that's beacause YOU turned those poor bastards into hampers with your black magic... you damn WITCH!
RegentTigress: ...............................witches don't sink
RegentTigress: kinda like swans!
RegentTigress: everyone is always like "swans mate for life, so should humans"
RegentTigress: but I say that's stupid
RegentTigress: because if you were a swan, it's not like a better looking swan is going to come around
RegentTigress: and I'd rather be rich than stupid
templarjim565: ...
templarjim565: well
templarjim565: one thing's for sure'
templarjim565: you're CRAZY like a witch
RegentTigress: crazy?!
RegentTigress: I WAS CRAZY ONCE!
RegentTigress: they put me in a mental institution
RegentTigress: I died there
RegentTigress: they put me in the ground... there were worms
RegentTigress: I hate worms. Worms make me crazy
RegentTigress: Crazy?!
RegentTigress: I WAS CRAZY ONCE!
templarjim565: STOP IT!
RegentTigress: they put me in a mental institution....
templarjim565: ENOUGH!
RegentTigress: enough?!
templarjim565: don't try your mind tricks on me heretic!
RegentTigress: KATJUSHA!
templarjim565: I'll burn you back to last TUESDAY!
RegentTigress: NO! I HATE TUESDAYS!
RegentTigress: wait, no I don't! what am I saying!
RegentTigress: I love tuesdays!
RegentTigress: Tuesdays were the days when I would go with my friends and visit Uncle Caveman
RegentTigress: we'd all go play in his cave, and once in a while he'd eat one of us
RegentTigress: it wasn't until much later I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear
templarjim565: AH HA!
RegentTigress: ?! A ha? Just one?
templarjim565: more heretical tendencies!
templarjim565: practice of bestiality and animal worship!
templarjim565: heresy!
RegentTigress: .................ew!
RegentTigress: it wasn't like that!
RegentTigress: he was my uncle! what do I sound like, some kinda freak?
templarjim565: yes
RegentTigress: oh
RegentTigress: you're calling me a freak?!
RegentTigress: you know
RegentTigress: everyone called my granddaddy a freak too
RegentTigress: just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

templarjim565: so... he made the wrong choice and was stupid?
RegentTigress: NO!
RegentTigress: he was fucking ace!
templarjim565: probably because HE WAS A WITCH TOO!
RegentTigress: but, witches know magic
RegentTigress: OOOOH! I KNOW A MAGIC TRICK!
templarjim565: your entire family is rife with HERESY!
templarjim565: WITCH!
templarjim565: cast not your spells at me!
RegentTigress: The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

templarjim565: ...
RegentTigress: TRANS MIT LAIBACJ!
RegentTigress: katjusha.
templarjim565: maybe you AREN'T a witch...
templarjim565: maybe you're just... stupid
RegentTigress: But! I thought we was gonna set me on fire!
RegentTigress: speaking of stupid
RegentTigress: if you're ever in war, instead of throwing a gernade, throw one of those little pumpkins to make everyone stop and think about how stupid war is
RegentTigress: ....and then, while they're thinking, throw a REAL grenade at the dumb bastards
templarjim565: you ARE just stupid
templarjim565: whew
templarjim565: I was worried there
templarjim565: HEY!
RegentTigress: hey?
templarjim565: THAT SHRINK WAS THE WITCH!
RegentTigress: ! I TOLD YOU NOT TO TRUST THE BASTARDS!
templarjim565: damn it
RegentTigress: stupid face
templarjim565: fooled again
RegentTigress: haha
RegentTigress: FAILURE!
templarjim565: this has got to be the THIRD time this month...
templarjim565: damn tricky witches
templarjim565: I blame that Nazi pope
RegentTigress: omg, speaking of tricky
templarjim565: John Paul II would have given me GOOD leads
RegentTigress: I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off!
RegentTigress: also, baby duck hat would be good for parties
templarjim565: ...
templarjim565: are you drunk?
RegentTigress: .....No. I just don't like ducks.
templarjim565: ok
RegentTigress: NOR DO I LIKE DOLPHINS
RegentTigress: okay, if you met two guys and one was named hambone and the other was named flippy, which one do you think would like dolphins more?
templarjim565: ...
templarjim565: flippy?
RegentTigress: You would think
RegentTigress: but you'd be wrong
RegentTigress: it's hambone,
RegentTigress: .
templarjim565: why?
RegentTigress: .....
RegentTigress: because it JUST FUCKING IS, BACK THE FUCK OFF MAN!
RegentTigress: ....
RegentTigress: Yeah. So. Anyhow. Jello is cool.
templarjim565: you're drunk
templarjim565: or high...
templarjim565: or have had too much caffeine
RegentTigress: or.......... I'M SUPERMAN!
templarjim565: you're pretty weird... but not THIS weird
templarjim565: I'm worried
RegentTigress: HAHA! YOU'RE RIGHT I"M NOT SUPERMAN!
RegentTigress: but I often like to think what I would do if I was
RegentTigress: At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill

templarjim565: alright
templarjim565: I give
RegentTigress: I have just one question for you
RegentTigress: WHY THE FUCK IS MY MONITER CHANGING COLORS?!
templarjim565: if I were Superman, I'd be Clark Kent, defendant of as many sexual harassment suits as Kryptonianly possible
templarjim565: I'd use my X-ray vision to undress attractive women with my eyes, then make lewd comments!
templarjim565: I'd be... SUPERPERVERTMAN!
templarjim565: and...
templarjim565: your mother is changing colors because of all the acid in your system
RegentTigress: MY MONITER
RegentTigress: not my mother
templarjim565: oh
templarjim565: well
templarjim565: um...
RegentTigress: omg!
RegentTigress: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!
RegentTigress: Did you just say "OH" ?!?!
templarjim565: I SAID YOU WERE A WHORE!
RegentTigress: oh, well then that's alright
templarjim565: thought so
templarjim565: whore
RegentTigress: I don't like whores. They wear too much make up and remind me of clowns.
RegentTigress: Clowns are scary
templarjim565: like you?
RegentTigress: No; really scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
RegentTigress: HEY! do you wanna hear a story?!
RegentTigress: So, this one time, I found this nectarine on my kitchen counter
RegentTigress: As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable
RegentTigress: until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
templarjim565: ...
templarjim565: wait
templarjim565: a shrunken head?
RegentTigress: No
RegentTigress: just a hea
RegentTigress: *head
RegentTigress: duh
templarjim565: 'cause.. nectarine's are samll
templarjim565: *small
RegentTigress: no they're not you dumb head
templarjim565: not like heads
templarjim565: aren't they?
RegentTigress: no
templarjim565: they aren't as big as human heads
RegentTigress: you're right
RegentTigress: THEY ARE BIGGER
templarjim565: ...
RegentTigress: DID YOU JUST SAY DOT DOT DOT TO ME!
RegentTigress: YOU FREAK!
*** "templarjim565" signed off at Fri Jun 24 23:57:02 2005.

That's right folks.... I blocked him. Because he said DOT DOT DOT to me. Oh dear lord.