An Open Letter to Central Illinois Businesses
Mood:
caffeinated
Now Playing: Carl's Theme - 9lb Hammer (ATHF Movie Soundtrack)
Dear Illinois Entrepreneur,
As a member of the American public, and one who enjoys making money from time to time, I understand and respect the hard work and dedication it takes to be a business owner. I have the utmost regard for the difficulties involved in building and maintaining a successful business, and for that, I tip my hat to you.
Over the years, there have been numerous theories about how to attract customers to your business, and there has been great debate about whether or not each approach is successful. Only you, a Central Illinois Business Owner, can determine which method is right for you and your company/store/etc.
But there is one universal rule that applies nowadays to any business, particularly in Central Illinois. And that rule is this; Your Company’s Jingle Sucks.
In the heady days of the 1950s, jingles were all the rage. Every Joe or John with a product or service to peddle turned to the creative juices of some advertising agency in hopes of procuring the catchiest jingle possible, one that was concise and memorable and, more importantly, encompassed in a few words what the company was all about. You could scarcely turn a corner in Middle America during those years without hearing some studio doo-wop group or vocal trio belting out the praises of Jim’s Carpet Cleaners or Sal’s Diner. And you’d stroll down the block in your saddle shoes or pinstriped suit, bouncing that unforgettable melody around in your brain, or whistling it aimlessly while drinking lemonade on the front porch and chatting with the neighbors about how great that whole segregation thing was working out. (It was the ‘50s, after all.)
Today, though, things are quite different (besides just the integration part). Today, information travels at a lightning pace, and cars aren’t far behind. Today, television has more than 5 channels, movies are made in color, and smoking cigarettes is decidedly less fashionable (unfortunately). The point is, times change. And so too must the advertising approaches of the small business owner.
I know what you’re thinking. “I’ve pooled my entire advertising budget, and I have one shot to make an impression on a customer or potential customer. Television advertising is the way to go, but I need a way to stand out from the rest of the commercials. I need…A JINGLE!”
I urge you to resist temptation. Stop yourself. Don’t succumb to the outdated jingle approach. You, and possibly your business, are better than that. Don’t degrade yourself, your product or your service by slathering your message in a half-assed melody with backup singer rejects from a garage band or church choir. You and I both know the dangers.
Recent studies show that, during an average television broadcast, viewers are subjected to numerous examples of poorly made local commercials, cheese-tacular background music composed by a sweaty guy with a casio, and some of the worst acting this side of a low-budget porno (at least you can fast forward a low-budget porn and get to the boobies).
Perhaps many of you have fallen victim to a charismatic sales rep from the local cable company. They came to you as if out of a dream, offering visions of slickly-produced commercials that are destined to have money falling into your lap. They even offered their services to help you make that commercial dream a reality.
Or perhaps you went outbound, to a local advertising firm that you had heard of, or been recommended to. You met with them, and explained your desire for increased business, hat in hand, hoping that they might have the magical formula to turn that dream of yours into little Timmy’s college fund.
And, for whatever reason, they were able to sway you. They made you believe that they had the power to make your business everything you had ever dreamed it could be. And they would do it, they said, through the magic of advertising. “Let our team brainstorm and create the right message and method for your business. Together, we can make this thing happen.”
Hook, line, and sinker.
Weeks later, they called. They had the concept. They were ready to make your commercial a reality.
Complete with an unbeatable, catchy, memorable jingle.
You were in too far now. You couldn’t tell them no. You couldn’t resist their jingle. After all, you wanted to believe the lie. So you green-lit the commercial and laid your checkbook down.
And when it was completed, and it started running on TV, you called all of your friends and neighbors to celebrate your soon-to-come wealth and prosperity. They all joined you to watch your commercial and celebrate.
But none had the heart to tell you how awful it was. How atrocious the melody, or how inane and unbearable the lyrics were. Or how the screaming 80s guitar, buried beneath 3 layers of post-production phaser effects, the one that cost you an extra $500 bucks for the metal-band reject to come in the studio for 10 minutes and record it, made it seem like your business was catering solely to the toothless-biker and Quiet Riot fan club member crowd.
By now it was too late. Your miniscule advertising budget was shot. There was nothing you could do. The damage was done. And you didn’t even know it. You were convinced by the snake-oil salesmen you’d dealt with that this commercial would be the greatest thing since crushed ice.
The simple fact of the matter is this – The Jingle Does Not Work. Not anymore. Not now. And probably not ever again.
And so I, along with most of the members of the Central Illinois community, beg you. If you have paid for a commercial with a jingle, let it die. Don’t renew it. Save your pennies for a new commercial someday. And if you haven’t yet been tricked by the jingle-peddlers, take this piece of advice; jingles are not the answer. Don’t fall victim. You can resist the temptation. You are a strong, independent business owner.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Concerned Central Illinois Citizens Against Jingles
Posted by Author
at 11:04 AM CDT