The Glass House
Can kiss my glass
Look what new geological wonder Hollywood unearthed
Look what new geological wonder Hollywood unearthed
If you're looking for simply a bad movie, then I recommend "The Glass House." It's about a teenager, Ruby Baker, played by a potentially emerging star, Leelee Sobieski, and her brother, Rhett, played by a non-potentially emerging star, Trevor Morgan, whose parents die in a tragic automobile accident. Former neighbors, Terry (Stellen Skarsgard) and Erin Glass (Diane Lane) who live in a glass house (so much for creativity!) take custody of the children. So, here's this brand new family of four living in a glass house in perfect harmony.
NOT!!
Back when Ruby and Rhett Baker's mother was alive she said something to her husband right before they died to the effect of "And our children are safe at home." This is one of the WORST LINES the screenwriters could have put in here! Especially at the time, it was wholly uncalled for! Because she said this, the audience knows that their children aren't safe in any way, shape, or form! And of course, they are absolutely correct.
The directing has to be the most unpredictable part of the film; sometimes it is absolutely detestable and other times, it has a very nice Hitchcock-ian feel about it. I definitely have to admit that "The Glass House" does wander into near-brilliant tense excitement, but whenever it does, it's only for a brief moment, and is always overshadowed by its terrible plot.
So let's talk about the plot! HOLY TULIPS, HOLLYWOOD! COULDN'T YOU COME UP WITH ANYTHING BETTER THAN THIS?! That was a stupid question. I think the way movies are being made today, we might see "The Glass House" as a major contender for a couple (maybe all) the Oscars. If this is the case, Billy Crystal will have to turn down the hosting the awards show again to make way for Vanilla Ice. That is almost scarier than "The Glass House" actually winning an Oscar, isn't it!
All right, I'm really going to talk about the plot now. It's crap. 100% Pure A-Grade crap. It's embarrassingly unoriginal and worst of all, it contains about 10 bazillion clichés that will make even the most merciful filmgoer disgusted.
Since almost everything about this movie is reekingly bad, I will shed some light on some goodness this movie has to offer. Two words: Bruce Dern. Yes, this aging film legend makes an appearance as a lawyer and as far as I'm concerned, any Bruce Dern appearance is a good Bruce Dern appearance.
Unfortunately, that has nothing important to do with the actual movie. So, in conclusion, you should only see this movie if you are a Bruce Dern fanatic like I am. If you don't like Bruce Dern or have no idea who he is, then I would buy some Junior Mints, watch the coming attractions, and then go bowling.
FINAL VERDICT: C-
"The Glass House" is AWFUL! I had to show it some remorse by giving it a C- because A) the brief moments of excitement and B) Bruce Dern. If there are any brave souls who actually venture to the movie theater to see this blemish, bring a lot of rocks. Maybe the glass house will break! It'll certainly make the movie more interesting! Just be careful not to hit Bruce Dern.
____________________________________________________________________
Starring:
Leelee Sobieski, Diane Lane, Stellan Skarsgard, Bruce Dern (he's da man!), Kathy Baker, Trevor Morgan, Chris Noth, Michael O'Keefe, Rita Wilson, Gavin O'Connor, Vyto Ruginis, Carley Pope (the Pope's in this?), Chind Shavers, Agnes Bruckner, Rutanya Alda, okay these names are getting quite ridiculous, time to stop, typing
____________________________________________________________________
Directed by:
Alfred Hitchcock
____________________________________________________________________
Really directed by:
Daniel Sackheim
____________________________________________________________________
2001 thriller
Rated PG-13.
____________________________________________________________________
Don Ignacio's score: C-