The
Matty Molex Guide To Dragging
Ahh, I assume you have clicked the link that will enlighten you
for the rest of your life. Welcome to my guide to dragging, the
sport of kings and hairy Lebs.
'What is dragging?' you ask. Well, one can trace back the origins
of dragging to the mountain ranges of Lebanon, and the donkey
trails that line these treacherous ascents. It is said that in
the 850 AD, two brothers, Habib and Achmed, were riding their
respective donkeys down a mountain trail, after obtaining the
family's weekly supply of Leb bread from the Leb Bakery atop the
mountain. Anyways, as they clopped down the mountain, and old Leb
lady with a huge moustache began crossing the road in front of
them. Since it is customary in Lebanon to show respect to people
who are older and have more facial hair then you, and since the
two brothers had only just entered puberty and thus their beards
were only 20cm long, they let the old lady pass.
Well, it so happens that the old Leb lady had eaten one too many
Kebabs with chilli sauce, and as a result, had extremely bad
hemmaroids. Anyways, this meant that she could only shuffle
across the road at a very slow pace. This gave Habib and Achmed
some time to readjust their genitals a number of times, sniff
their armpits, and yell insults to the old lady crossing the
road, to the effect of "hurry da fuck up yoo stupid fuckin
old woman!!", and "fuck, I've got to root my first
cousin tonight! Get the fuck off the road!!"
In between hurling their insults and playing with their toolbags,
the two began to talk coherently to each other. "Hey
Habib", said Achmed, "I bet you a bag of Leb bread that
my donkey will make it to that tree before your donkey
does." Habib was no doubt confused by this proposition, so
Achmed repeated himself. "Listen dickhead, as soon as the
old woman steps off the road, the first Leb to the fuckin green
spike thing", he said, gesturing towards a tree 100m away,
"is a sick cunt. Ok??"
"Your on, bro." Thus, as soon as the old lady had
cleared the road way, the two lebs took off. Achemd was the
eventual winner, but only because Habib got lost on the way, and
also forgot that he was racing his brother.
Thus, dragging was born. Modern day dragging occurs when you are
first in line at a red set of lights, and you race the person
next to you to see who's car goes furthest and fastest, in the
shortest time. There is no formal agreement to a drag, but it
does involve a special drag code sign. But more on this later.
Now, first of all, what do you need?? Well, a car is a good
start. It is really pointless to simply stand at a set of traffic
lights doing nothing, isn't it? It is also advisable that you
have a licence to drive a car, but that's not really imperative.
A vehicle is a must though.
Now it doesn't have to be a beast of a car. Often, the fun of
dragging is to challenge someone who you know will beat the shit
out of you, but the fun is in seeing the other guy think he has 2
sets of balls and a 40 foot dick as he streaks out in front, and
you harbouring the knowledge that a 2 year old blind girl with no
arms or legs on a skate board would have beaten you.
How do you drag? Well, you have to be first at the lights. This
is very important. If you try to drag and there is a car in front
of you, then you will no doubt crash, and be severely injured.
Trust me, be first in the line.
Now assuming that you are first in the line and actually driving
a CAR (see 3 paragraphs above), then you have prime position to
drag. The question is, does the other person want to?
If you're lucky, then a really good car will pull up beside you,
and you will be guaranteed a drag for sure. How do I know this?
It's simple. Guys buy fast cars so they can show how quickly they
can get away from the rest of the traffic when the lights go
green. So, lets just say that some Leb pulls up next to you in a
WRX, or some asian dude pulls up to you in a done up Civic, then
you're set.
Don't despair if some grampa in a Bluebird pulls up next to you.
You can still drag someone without their consent, or even their
knowledge that they are participating in a drag. As soon as the
lights go green, floor it, and beat them. Now matter how many
times you do this, it is still heaps of fun.
But if it is a serious drag, then you need to indicate that you
indeed want to challenge the guy who has a better car then you.
This is done by way of a special drag code, called the
"Dragging Nod." Turn you head towards the intended
vehicle, but only enough so that you can just see the other
driver out of the corner of your eye. Then, either a) raise your
eyebrows and slightly nod your head twice, or b) raise you
eyebrows and nod your head three times, quite quickly, in
succession. This then means you have indicated that you wish to
drag. If the other driver simply turns away and faces the lights,
that means the challenge is accepted, and the drag is on. If,
however, the driver looks at you as if you have some mental
disease, then you have probably pulled some weird sped face,
probably like Marc Labibs "Asian Rabbit", or some other
retarded facial gesture that nobody either understands or gives
two shits about.
The rest of dragging is so easy, a Leb could do it. Simply wait
till the light goes green, and floor it (this means press the
accelerator pedal of your car as far down as it will go-this is
usually to the floor, hence the term 'flooring'). The fastest car
will win, and the victor will be showered with gold bullion and
naked supermodels, while the loser will be forced to masterbate
using a sheet of sandpaper and a Seniors Card catalogue.
There is much fun to be had dragging, and I do suggest you try it
regularly. Some pointers:
DO:
- use a crap car (ask Nuto how we dragged a brand new MR2 in my
Kingswood)
- drag old people
- use your parents car
DON'T:
- drag without a car at all
- think that its funny to scream "stinking lebs" at
every wrx that you see- although initially humerous, all laughter
subsides when 50 hairy leb cousins get out of the car and smash
the living shit out of you
- drag the police- not only will you get arrested, but they drive
commodore SS's, which will no doubt pound the shitbox you drive.
HAVE FUN!!
Matty "Fast And Furious" Molex