The Matty Molex Guide To Dragging

Ahh, I assume you have clicked the link that will enlighten you for the rest of your life. Welcome to my guide to dragging, the sport of kings and hairy Lebs.

'What is dragging?' you ask. Well, one can trace back the origins of dragging to the mountain ranges of Lebanon, and the donkey trails that line these treacherous ascents. It is said that in the 850 AD, two brothers, Habib and Achmed, were riding their respective donkeys down a mountain trail, after obtaining the family's weekly supply of Leb bread from the Leb Bakery atop the mountain. Anyways, as they clopped down the mountain, and old Leb lady with a huge moustache began crossing the road in front of them. Since it is customary in Lebanon to show respect to people who are older and have more facial hair then you, and since the two brothers had only just entered puberty and thus their beards were only 20cm long, they let the old lady pass.

Well, it so happens that the old Leb lady had eaten one too many Kebabs with chilli sauce, and as a result, had extremely bad hemmaroids. Anyways, this meant that she could only shuffle across the road at a very slow pace. This gave Habib and Achmed some time to readjust their genitals a number of times, sniff their armpits, and yell insults to the old lady crossing the road, to the effect of "hurry da fuck up yoo stupid fuckin old woman!!", and "fuck, I've got to root my first cousin tonight! Get the fuck off the road!!"

In between hurling their insults and playing with their toolbags, the two began to talk coherently to each other. "Hey Habib", said Achmed, "I bet you a bag of Leb bread that my donkey will make it to that tree before your donkey does." Habib was no doubt confused by this proposition, so Achmed repeated himself. "Listen dickhead, as soon as the old woman steps off the road, the first Leb to the fuckin green spike thing", he said, gesturing towards a tree 100m away, "is a sick cunt. Ok??"

"Your on, bro." Thus, as soon as the old lady had cleared the road way, the two lebs took off. Achemd was the eventual winner, but only because Habib got lost on the way, and also forgot that he was racing his brother.

Thus, dragging was born. Modern day dragging occurs when you are first in line at a red set of lights, and you race the person next to you to see who's car goes furthest and fastest, in the shortest time. There is no formal agreement to a drag, but it does involve a special drag code sign. But more on this later.

Now, first of all, what do you need?? Well, a car is a good start. It is really pointless to simply stand at a set of traffic lights doing nothing, isn't it? It is also advisable that you have a licence to drive a car, but that's not really imperative. A vehicle is a must though.

Now it doesn't have to be a beast of a car. Often, the fun of dragging is to challenge someone who you know will beat the shit out of you, but the fun is in seeing the other guy think he has 2 sets of balls and a 40 foot dick as he streaks out in front, and you harbouring the knowledge that a 2 year old blind girl with no arms or legs on a skate board would have beaten you.

How do you drag? Well, you have to be first at the lights. This is very important. If you try to drag and there is a car in front of you, then you will no doubt crash, and be severely injured. Trust me, be first in the line.

Now assuming that you are first in the line and actually driving a CAR (see 3 paragraphs above), then you have prime position to drag. The question is, does the other person want to?

If you're lucky, then a really good car will pull up beside you, and you will be guaranteed a drag for sure. How do I know this? It's simple. Guys buy fast cars so they can show how quickly they can get away from the rest of the traffic when the lights go green. So, lets just say that some Leb pulls up next to you in a WRX, or some asian dude pulls up to you in a done up Civic, then you're set.

Don't despair if some grampa in a Bluebird pulls up next to you. You can still drag someone without their consent, or even their knowledge that they are participating in a drag. As soon as the lights go green, floor it, and beat them. Now matter how many times you do this, it is still heaps of fun.

But if it is a serious drag, then you need to indicate that you indeed want to challenge the guy who has a better car then you. This is done by way of a special drag code, called the "Dragging Nod." Turn you head towards the intended vehicle, but only enough so that you can just see the other driver out of the corner of your eye. Then, either a) raise your eyebrows and slightly nod your head twice, or b) raise you eyebrows and nod your head three times, quite quickly, in succession. This then means you have indicated that you wish to drag. If the other driver simply turns away and faces the lights, that means the challenge is accepted, and the drag is on. If, however, the driver looks at you as if you have some mental disease, then you have probably pulled some weird sped face, probably like Marc Labibs "Asian Rabbit", or some other retarded facial gesture that nobody either understands or gives two shits about.

The rest of dragging is so easy, a Leb could do it. Simply wait till the light goes green, and floor it (this means press the accelerator pedal of your car as far down as it will go-this is usually to the floor, hence the term 'flooring'). The fastest car will win, and the victor will be showered with gold bullion and naked supermodels, while the loser will be forced to masterbate using a sheet of sandpaper and a Seniors Card catalogue.

There is much fun to be had dragging, and I do suggest you try it regularly. Some pointers:
DO:
- use a crap car (ask Nuto how we dragged a brand new MR2 in my Kingswood)
- drag old people
- use your parents car

DON'T:
- drag without a car at all
- think that its funny to scream "stinking lebs" at every wrx that you see- although initially humerous, all laughter subsides when 50 hairy leb cousins get out of the car and smash the living shit out of you
- drag the police- not only will you get arrested, but they drive commodore SS's, which will no doubt pound the shitbox you drive.

HAVE FUN!!

Matty "Fast And Furious" Molex