Driver’s Side Airbag #44

email bruce

kent kruse

email kent

MISADVENTURES IN THE MATERNITY WARD

he wanted
to unzip his fly
in public
so everyone
could take a look
and make sure
he wasn't a woman
he checked out
his birth certificate again
noting
he was born in omega, kansas
that his weight at birth was no heavier than a large stone
that his eyes used to be a lighter shade of green
his father
a stunt pilot
his mother
a homemaker
remembering
when he was switched in the bassinet
by a sadistic nurse
with huge breasts
and a big gold cross
he wondered
who his real mother and father were
so he telephoned
the parents of everyone
born on his birthday
placed ads in sado-masochistic magazines
searching
for the woman
who made him feel
confused
nothing helped
his destiny was what his birth certificate told him
and even though
he never could understand
yiddish
everyone thought he was a good jew
and sent him packages of sponge cake
on the high holidays
no one knew
he was a secret catholic
no one knew
every wednesday night
he went to the maternity ward
and
switched the babies
no one knew
he felt justified
wearing
a big gold cross
and
stuffing his brassiere
with
toilet
paper


Bruce Weber


THE THINGS THEY SAY...

You're always so negative,
all you do is focus on what's wrong,
yet you offer no solutions.
And what is this about no god,
no supreme being of any sort!
You say that the odds are that
nature has created all as we know it.
Well, we would love to be there when the end
hovers over you as you beg for mercy.
Of course, it will be too late by then!
Such rebellious acts merely cloak your insecurities!

You need to realize that
you can only be a good writer
if you study other good writers!
Yet, you seem completely unable
to get along with people!
You'll never succeed in life that way!
You'll always dwell in your penned hatreds.

And though you may think you're a writer
it's really just vicious scribble,
and we find it unstimulating.
It has no rhymes, rhythms, meter or style.
You argue the contrary because
you can't take criticism.
We've asked you before to refrain from submitting
until you have taken the time to study us.
It's answering letters like yours that ruin our day.
No
No
No!
DO NOT SUBMIT AGAIN!
WE WILL NOT RESPOND!

God Bless,
The Editors

Kent Kruse

AN00020A.gif (1492 bytes)    BS00825A.gif (3117 bytes)    TN00572A.gif (3542 bytes)    PE03328A.gif (2743 bytes)   PE03257A.gif (4096 bytes)