CONTESTANTS ARE:
DAY 1
The contestants move into the house, equipped with 2 bedrooms of 6 beds each, 2 communal showers (hey!) Backyard with swimming pool and one huge rumpus room and open kitchen. Trouble starts almost immediately with the discussion on who will sleep in which bedroom.
FRODO: I'm not sleeping in the same room as Saruman! Or Gollum! Or Boromir! (Clutches the ring to himself) Strider, don't make me!
ARAGORN: Frodo, you ass, Boromir's not even here. He didn't meet the personality criteria.
FRODO: And bloody Gollum did?
GOLLUM: It's Smeagol, my love!
FRODO: He's got a split personality!
ARAGORN: So do you! Maybe if we asked Big Brother-
Intercom: This is Big Brother. Contestants will sleep where they are told. The sleeping arrangements will be thus: Bedroom One- Aragorn, Legolas, Faramir, Eowyn, Pippin and Merry. Bedroom Two: Frodo, Sam, Gandalf, Saruman, Gimli and Gollum. Thankyou.
FARAMIR AND EOWYN: Yay!!
FRODO: No!
GIMLI: (In utter distress) I'm not
having it. I'm not. Legolas and I share a room! That's all there is to
it!
Intercom: This is Big Brother. Gimli to the diary room.
(Gimli huffs off.)
BB: Gimli, we know you are attached to Legolas. However, arrangements have already been made. Big Brother is prepared to allow you and Legolas to share a room after the first contestant has been evicted. Until then any excessive whinging against Big Brother is hurting your reputation with your peers and may lead to BB evicting you. Is that clear?
GIMLI: I s'pose so. But I get the bed near the window! (He runs off to claim the bed)
Gimli arrives back in the bedroom.He finds Frodo has taken 'his' bed and is busy unpacking about five books.
GIMLI: Oi. That's my bed.
Frodo raises eyebrows in surprise, but without saying a word, takes all his things and moves into the only remaining bed in the room, between Saruman and Gollum.
SAM: Now, Gimli, I don't think that's fair-
GIMLI: Oh, you're five feet away from him. Pipe down.
(Merry and Legolas, in neighbouring beds, quickly unpack their things, and inevitably start chatting.)
MERRY: I wish Big Brother had let
us bring in our watches. I'm going to go crazy not knowing what the time
is.
LEGOLAS: I think I'm going to go
crazy. Period.
MERRY: So long as you don't snore.
(Legolas gives him a filthy look and takes out a lava lamp from his luggage. Merry starts laughing helplessly.)
LEGOLAS: What?
Meanwhile in the other room Faramir and Aragorn are discussing the use of their communal bedside table.
ARAGORN: I don't want to be a pain, Faramir, but your Buddha woodcut is taking up the whole surface of this table.
FARAMIR: Where else am I going to put it?
ARAGORN: I don't know. Somewhere else. Go on, get it off!
Faramir puts the idol at the foot of the bed. Walking past, Legolas trips over it.
LEGOLAS: S***! My toe!
FARAMIR: You see?
(Craftily knocks Aragorn's Inside Sport magazines to the floor and puts Buddha back on the table.)
FARAMIR: Oops. How did that get there?
HIGHLIGHTS, DAY 1
After unpacking the housemates quarrel about dinner. After some investigation of the ingredients in the house, Gimli declares everyone's getting "Meat and taters or nothing!"
LEGOLAS: No, Gimli, you old ass! Give that here! Why have meat-and-taters when you can have Braised steak and scalloped potatoes au gratin?
FRODO: (Clumsily trying to joke) What's for breakfast? Caviar?
Legolas takes offence and stomps off.
GIMLI: Aw, Legsie, come back here!
We love your cooking!
SARUMAN: Will not the wisest, the
most heroic and- dare I say it, the sexiest Elf in Middle Earth provide
our nourishment?
Legs looks a bit worried. But he also comes back, a bit relieved to find he is needed.)
PIPPIN: Can I lick the beaters?
LEGOLAS: There are no beaters, Pip.
(Gollum, surprisingly, has been taking all this rather coolly, until he sees Legolas putting the steak into the frying pan. Then he flips.)
GOLLUM: No!!! Stupid elfses, spoiling nice sweet meat!
(Legolas plays it much cooler than Sam could ever do. He nonchalantly throws a steak on the floor, where Gollum eats it without even his hands.)
FRODO: Urrrgggh! Legolas, make him
stop!
LEGOLAS: Calm down! It stopped him
whining, didn't it?
(Frodo runs to the diary room.)
FRODO: Oh, gawd, it's only day one
and I've had enough!
BB: You can leave if you like.
FRODO: No... no, I'll stay.
BB: I think it's best if you stop
complaining then.
(After a delicious dinner and much praise to Legolas, who has now practically ensured his sojourn for at least 2 weeks, the housemates settle down to amuse themselves. Aragorn and Faramir have struck up a compromising rapport and go out on the porch for a smoke.)
FARAMIR: So how are you doing so far?
(Aragorn sits down on the step and stretches his legs.)
ARAGORN: OK, I guess. It's a bit hard
to tell at the moment. Missing Arwen.
FARAMIR: Oh. Well you can borrow
Eowyn if you like.
(They laugh.)
(Meanwhile Merry, Pippin and Aloysius*
play chess.)
[* Aloysius is a parody thread
joke- Pippin's teddy-bear, actually.]
PIPPIN: Checkmate! Aloysius beat you
again, Merry!
MERRY: Aloysius is a bloody cheat!
(Tries to grab Aloysius. Pippin runs screaming.)
PIPPIN: Gandalf!
GANDALF: Fool of a Took! Shut up!
(Meanwhile Sam and Frodo are talking in what they fondly believe is a dark bedroom.)
FRODO: I don't think I can do this,
Sam.
SAM: Of course you can. You're as
strong as they come, Fro. And Gollum will be out on his ear'ole next week,
you can bet on it.
FRODO: I hope so. (Sees a strange
movement under Sam's blankets) Sam, what are you...oh... (Claps a hand
over his mouth in astonishment.) Sam, the cameras!
Sam goes beet red. The movement ceases.
SAM: I forgot 'em, sir.
FRODO: Well in any case, don't do
that when I'm talking to you!
HIGHLIGHTS, DAY 2, CHALLENGE DAY
(Thursday, that is.)
(After breakfast the contestants are called to the living room where the first challenge is announced. They are given 6 simulated babies to be cared for for a space of 24 hours. Not only that, but BB chooses the pairs...)
BB: Pairs will be as follows. Aragorn and Merry. Frodo and Eowyn. Faramir and Saruman. Pippin and Gollum. Gimli and Legolas. Sam and Gandalf.
GIMLI and LEGOLAS: Yay!
EVERYONE ELSE: S***!
BB: These babies must be cared for and catered for. If you neglect them or abuse them they will tell on you. At least one parent must be within three feet of the baby at all times. They must be given names. You will find basinettes and baby things out on the porch. Each of you will be graded out of five for loving care and diligence, and pass-or-fail on neglect, abuse and the three-foot rule. All contestants must score at least 3 out of 5 and obtain three passes for you to pass. If you pass, next week's budget is 600 dollars. If you fail, it is 300. Please choose your babies. Your first choice is final.
(For a long time nobody chooses a baby, not wanting to seem to eager. Finally Aragorn takes a deep breath and picks up a baby boy- by the arm. The baby starts screaming and Aragorn hastily dumps it in Merry's lap.)
MERRY: Not much of a father, are you?
ARAGORN: That's why I'm giving him
to you, Mama!
(One by one the housemates choose. Frodo, resignedly, is next, choosing a baby boy and offering it first to Eowyn, who pretends she doesn't see his gesture. With a sigh he sits down and hugs Baby Baggins in silence. Pip doesn't dare show his baby girl to Gollum. Faramir, because Saruman was last in choosing, is much annoyed to find he has a girl.)
FARAMIR: Dammit! I wanted an heir!
GANDALF: Get a grip, Faramir, it's
a doll.
(Next comes the naming of the babies. Aragorn and Merry have a heated discussion, as Aragorn is set on Sebastian Arathorn, and Merry likes Christopher.)
ARAGORN: Merry, the Heir of Elendil
is NOT going to be named Christopher. I put my foot down.
MERRY: Hey, Christopher is a family
name!
ARAGORN: Well, Sebastian is a family
name too!
(Finally they settle on Alex, son of Aragorn, Heir of Elendil. Frodo names his and Eowyn's son Zac, without her objecting. Faramir insists on Tinuviel, which Saruman couples with the unlikely middle name of Sarumina. Gimli and Legolas go for Celebrianne, for their daughter, Legolas narrowly outvoting Galadrielle. Gollum, suddenly taking an interest in HIS baby, insists on calling her 'Precious,' and Pippin, who is getting quite clucky, agrees with him. Gandalf finally acquiesces to Sam's wish to call their son Cotton. Sam is much put out, because he wanted a girl. He actually tries to do a trade with Faramir, but gets told off by Big Brother about it.)
(The housemates gather the babies' things and put babies Cotton, Zac, Celebrianne, Precious, Tinuviel Sarumina and Alex, Son of Aragorn, Heir of Elendil in the living room. Suddenly every baby begins squawking at the same time. The housemates are busy for some time.)
(Later Frodo leaves Zac with Eowyn and slinks into the diary room.)
FRODO: I hate this place! Eowyn hasn't done a single thing all day. She makes me do it all on my own. I've got... what would you have it... queer suspicions about Sam. And Saruman and Gollum are trying to kill me, I know it! Oh I can't handle-
(Sudden bang on the door.)
EOWYN: Fro! Zac's crying and I can't
make him stop!
FRODO: Oh, brother!
(After a shaky start, fatherhood seems to suit Aragorn. He sits on the lounge, 'feeding' his heir.)
ARAGORN: How's my bubby? Aren't you the sweetest itty bitty thing?
FARAMIR: (Walking by and coming dangerously close to a 'fail' in abuse on the screaming Tinuviel) Oh, please. You're making me ill.
(Aragorn lays Alex on the sofa and gets up, taking Tinuviel out of Faramir's arms with an expression of horror.)
ARAGORN: Are you crazy? You don't
hold a baby like that!
FARAMIR: I'm pretty sure you're three
feet from Alex now, Aragorn.
ARAGORN: Dammit!
(Meanwhile, Sam has practically gone single parent, since Gandalf gives no real help but plenty of useless advice. Sam works doggedly and energetically. It's unclear whether he's enjoying parenthood, but he never tells off Gandalf for not helping. Once Gollum gets his hands on Precious, he holds her gently but firmly over his shoulder, retreating into a corner and rocking her, making gurgling crooning noises in his throat.)
PIPPIN: Gand-alf! Make Gollum share
Precious! She's my baby too!
GOLLUM: No! Silly hobbitses! Nasssty
hobbitses, doesn't know how to look after babies, no it doesn't!
(However, as the housemates are trying to get some sleep that night, Pippin, lying with half-closed eyes, feels something laid gently on the pillow beside his head.)
GOLLUM: It can have Precious for a
bit, yes it can. Then we sees what nasssty hobbitses know about babies,
we does!
HIGHLIGHTS, DAY 3, FRIDAY.
(At 3 am, Precious starts crying. Gollum runs to grab her but Pippin is quickest, grabs her and runs down the hall. The house is in quite an uproar for some time. In the midst of this Aragorn slinks into the diary room.)
ARAGORN: Umm... OK. I have to get this off my manly Numenorean chest... I... am sexually attracted to Eowyn. Which is a comfort, really, since the rest of us are all lads. But there's just too much sexual tension between us, and Faramir will kill me if he finds out. I'm really in a fix about this!
(In the morning the housemates awaken to find the babies have been 'abducted' by Big Brother during the night. Gollum is inconsolable.)
(That morning Eowyn also takes refuge in the diary room.)
EOWYN: Now, I can't be sure about this, but I think Aragorn's trying to come onto me... this should be fun!
(Frodo meanwhile faces another challenge- communal showers. He emerges from the bathroom practically in tears.)
FRODO: That's it! I'm showering in
my underwear from now on! And I am never, never ever showering with the
Numenorean Sex God again!
(Aragorn comes out behind him, wrapped
in a towel.)
ARAGORN: Aw, come on, Fro, I wasn't
making a comp-
FRODO: Aragorn, I'm three-and-a-half
foot tall! Everything's relative!
(They are called to the living room before breakfast.)
BB: This is Big Brother. It's time to announce the results of yesterday's challenge. You have failed. This week's budget will be $200. Individual results will be available in the diary room in ten minutes. Sam to the diary room now.
(Sam, looking rather scared, scurries off.)
BB: Sam, this concerns your comments
to Frodo yesterday about Gollum being evicted. You know this is not allowed,
as it counts as an attempt to conspire.
SAM: Sorry. I didn't mean to.
BB: Big Brother has no doubts that
you did not mean to conspire. But because this has happened so early, there
will be no in-house voting this week, and the audience will choose whoever
they please to be evicted on SUNDAY COMING. Please take this warning seriously.
If you do it three times you will be evicted.
(Sam goes back and explains the situation to everyone, and carries the individual results which Legolas takes off him to read aloud.)
LEGOLAS: OK, here goes. Frodo. TLC-
4. Passes on all three accounts. Sam. TLC- 4. Passes on all three accounts.
Merry, you got 3 on TLC, but you failed the three-foot rule.
MERRY: I couldn't take her into the
bathroom with me!
LEGOLAS: Pip got the same as Sam
and Frodo. Gollum. TLC 5 (Everyone gasps) and passes on all three accounts.
Aragorn, TLC 5, but you failed the three-foot rule. Faramir. TLC 2. You
failed in abuse AND the three-foot rule, Faramir!
FARAMIR: WHAT?
LEGOLAS: Eowyn got 1 for TLC and
failed the three-point rule AND neglect. Big Brother have noted on the
sheet that if it had been a real baby they'd have called Community Services.
FARAMIR: Why, those-
LEGOLAS: Gandalf got a 1 for TLC
but passed everything else. Saruman, you got 3 for TLC and passed everything
else. Gimli, my love, you and I both got 4 for TLC, but I have failed us
in the three-point rule.
(Dead silence.)
PIPPIN: Uh, who passed again?
LEGOLAS: Frodo, Sam, Gollum, Gimli,
Saruman, and you, Pip!
GANDALF: Who'd ha' thunk?
FARAMIR: I didn't abuse my baby!
FRODO: Faramir, you dropped her on
the floor.
GIMLI: Twice.
(Later in the day Faramir and Aragorn go for a swim. It is difficult to tell who is wearing the skimpier briefs. Eowyn lounges by the pool in a bikini. Merry dabbles his feet in the water, but the other hobbits stay away.)
(Meanwhile in the kitchen Legolas, Saruman and Gandalf are cookin' up a storm. Frodo watches Saruman carefully. G and S have a furious argument over whether shallots should be added to Pumpkin Soup. Finally Gandalf declares Saruman's wooden spoon broken and the shallots go in.)
(Meanwhile, Gollum has retreated into a corner where the housemates don't believe the cameras can see them. His blubbering becomes obvious and Pippin goes to investigate.)
PIPPIN: What's up, Smeagol?
GOLLUM: Nasssty cruel Big Brother!
We hates it! We hates it forever!
PIPPIN: Is this because they took
away Precious?
GOLLUM: We wasn't hurting it! We
wasn't, no precious!
(Awkwardly, Pippin gives Gollum his
shoulder to cry on and he does, gurgling loudly. Sam blunders in with 'Pippin,
have you seen my-' but then realising, retreats in silence.)
HIGHLIGHTS, DAY 4, SATURDAY.
(At 2 am, Merry goes to the kitchen for a glass of water. Eowyn is sitting on the lounge, sniffling.)
MERRY: Hey, are you OK?
(Gives her a hobbit-hug. Eowyn sniffles
on his shoulder.)
MERRY: Do you want to talk about
it?
(Eowyn shakes her head)
MERRY: You want me to go away?
(Eowyn shakes her head again.)
(The next morning, at 6 sharp, Pippin is awoken by Gollum, who puts a plate of fried fish under his nose.
GOLLUM: Nice hobbitses! Morning! Smeagol brings nice hobbit lovely, sweet fishes, yess! And we knows it doesn't like fish raw, so we cooked it!
(Pippin looks positively ill at the prospect of fried fish for breakfast, but worries them down so as not to offend Gollum and ends up with a shocking headache the rest of the day.)
(Just after breakfast Eowyn wanders out into the garden on her own. She sits down on the bench and has only been there for a minute when Merry wanders out.)
MERRY: Hey.
EOWYN: Hey.
MERRY: Whatchya doin'?
EOWYN: Nothing much.
(He sits down on the bench beside her.)
MERRY: You and Faramir have a fight
or something?
EOWYN: No... no, just feeling a bit
overwhelmed, that's all. It's loud in there.
MERRY: You look depressed.
EOWYN: I am a bit.
MERRY: Wanna hear a joke?
EOWYN: Uh... OK.
MERRY: What do you call 144 hobbits?
EOWYN: I give up. What?
MERRY: Gross stupidity.
(Eowyn giggles.)
(Frodo, as threatened, showers in his underwear. Aragorn and Faramir go in together, and when they come out Faramir is heard to mutter "It's not fair! The water out of my faucet was colder than yours!")
(Later in the day the shopping list is compiled by Sam. Everybody checks the list and approves it, but Eowyn objects.)
EOWYN: There's something else I need,
Samwise.
SAM: (Sweet innocence!) What's that?
EOWYN: Tampons.
SAM: Tampons?!
EOWYN: Yeah. Those things you-
SAM: I know what tampons are!
EOWYN: Better order a couple of boxes.
I'm having my period next week.
FARAMIR: I hope.
(Sam, thoroughly traumatised, goes to the bedroom to recover. Pippin is lying on Gimli's bed recovering from his fried fish hangover, because Legolas is in his own room listening to the Backstreet Boys. Frodo is lying on his own bed, looking blankly up at the ceiling neurotically.)
FRODO: Everything's relative, everything's
relative...
SAM: Still knawing on that old bone,
Frodo?
FRODO: For Eru's sake, Sam, please
don't mention bones to me.
PIPPIN: Nor me neither. I've had
one stuck in my throat since breakfast!
HIGHLIGHTS, DAY 5, SUNDAY
(That morning, Faramir saves a spot for Eowyn, but she sits next to Merry. He glares at them, but they ignore him. Faramir gets sweet, sweet revenge after lunch when Merry walks into his room to find Faramir, Legolas and Aragorn having a manly competition as to who can blow up his condoms into the most interesting shapes.)
MERRY: You ****!
(He rushes at Faramir, but Aragorn has a better idea. He picks up Faramir's Buddha and chucks it out the window where it splinters into the rockery.)
FARAMIR: Hey!
ARAGORN: So we'll call it even.
(Piercing shrieks from down the hallway. Gollum has given Aloysius a 'makeover' and the result is not becoming.)
(Having found a new way to bait Sam, Eowyn talks to Gimli in the kitchen while Sam makes Shepherd's Pie for dinner.)
EOWYN: Of course I found the period that I lived in my uncle's house trying. That period of my life was a bit of a curse, I must say.
Sam huffs off to work in the garden.
In one of the bedrooms, Gandalf and Frodo have a 'talk.'
GANDALF: I always thought there was
much more to you hobbits than meets the eye. But I think I was wrong. You're
just not handling this deal, Frodo.
FRODO: Coming from you? You are in
serious denial of staff envy with Saruman, Gandalf!
GANDALF: Say that again and I will
get angry. Then you will see Gandalf the Grey uncloaked.
FRODO: I suppose that will make me
feel better!
(Frodo huffs off to the kitchen to find Merry standing on the breakfast bar, giving an energetic rendition of his own table-singing in Bree. Eowyn is in hysterics. Frodo rolls his eyes and makes a beeline for the diary room.)
EOWYN: What's wrong with him?
MERRY: Oh, he's just in a mood. Hey,
want me to teach you the Springle-Ring?
(Outside Sam sets to some fairly energetic gardening in a herb and vegetable plot that BB have let him set up. He hoes at the dirt a bit too enthusiastically, and his back seizes up on him. He throws the hoe down and curses loudly. All the house mates come out to see what's wrong and help him back into the house. As they are returning the zoom cameras catch Merry gently touching Eowyn's hand.)
LEGOLAS: You'd be better off lying
on the floor. Hard surfaces, you know.
FARAMIR: It cooks! It cleans! It
dances! It has a medical degree! What an elf!
(Legolas looks injured.)
LEGOLAS: I only know because my Dad
had trouble with his back when he started getting on.
SAM: I'm only thirty-eight!
LEGOLAS: Lying flat with your feet
up will be the best thing for your back, Samwise, I'm sure your Gaffer
would agree with me.
(Suddenly put in mind of his Gaffer
watching him ruin his back, Sam scrambles to the floor to do what he's
told.)
NEXT: BIG BROTHER, FIRST EVICTION