"The Daughters of Strongbow (Part One)" A self-MSTing by John Alan Riggs (The scene opens in the "bridge" room of the Satellite of Love.) GYPSY: Hello, boys! CROW: Lookin' better than ever, Gypsy! But why are you wearing a hat with long, pointy ears? GYPSY: Oh, this? Dr. Forrester told me to wear it. He says we're going to be doing a theme over the next few days. MIKE: Oh, joy. What could it be. GYPSY: "Elfquest" fanfic and characters. MIKE: Oh, joy. SERVO: Sweetness! I get to be Strongbow. CROW: You are not Strongbow. SERVO: Oh, yes I am. Just watch this... (Despite the fact that Tom Servo's arms do not work, he makes a motion to indicate that he is holding a longbow.) "I didn't know I could shoot that far!" CROW: Not even close, gumball boy! Watch the master! (Crow T. Robot gets down on his "knees.") "I command you, Door, open!" MIKE: Uh, that's quite enough, guys. I'm just going to take Scouter. GYPSY: How eclectic! I shall take on the persona of Tyleet! (Mike's jaw drops a few feet. Tom Servo starts shaking violently, and his head is smoking. Crow, on the other hand, is merely stunned.) GYPSY: ...Is that a bad thing? (No reaction comes from them. After a thirty-second pause, Dr. Forrester's head appears on a video screen before them.) DR. F.: !Ay caramba! You appear a bit... off balance. And I haven't even started! MIKE: Laugh all you want, Dr. Forrester, but you can't win. (His voice is slow and nervous.) DR. F.: Really? Well, Obi-Wan Mike, you'll just love this next one, 'cause it's got-- (The movie sign starts blaring.) MIKE & BOTS: Oh, we got movie sign! CROW: Sorry there, doctor-sir, but we've got our priorities! SERVO: You got that one, baby! Uh huh... (Mike and the bots rush through all six doors, and into the movie theater. The fanfic has already started...) >Part One: Two Days, Three Nights CROW: With the fanfic author of your choice! MIKE: God, not Oscar! Spare us from the hermaphrodite! SERVO: You keep your preferences to yourself, buddy. CROW: Well, one thing's for sure. This author can count. > >Warning: Anyone who questions the "accuracy" of this story will >receive a copy of Dobil's latest book, "How to Get a Life." MIKE: And that is a bad thing? SERVO: Well, some of us don't *need* a life. Pass the RAM chips, Crow. > >Introduction >(A Direct Rip-Off of Elfquest: Hidden Years, "Starrise, Starfall") SERVO: They got a lot of guts admitting that. > >Puckernuts! he thought. And she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. CROW: Cryin' in the theater? MIKE: The award for the most incoherent dialogue goes to... well, we don't know, either! > >The season was a warm and pleasing one. The sky was darkening with >the presence of evening. SERVO: Do we really need to know that? What the hell sort of world is this? MIKE: Yeah, but since so much of "Elfquest" takes place at night, people forget... SERVO: I guess. "I... must... ignore... reality!" >The land was at a relative peace. CROW: Not at all like "A Separate Peace." MIKE: Separate from this 'fic. >And Skywise and Foxfur were out on a secret hunt, with their >respective wolves. One was in a good mood (as always), and the other >...simply put, was not (again, as always!). > >Meanwhile, the stargazer - aptly named Skywise - had noticed his >friend and "soul brother" SERVO: Ya gotta have SOUL! CROW: Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more! >Cutter. Being a worthy heir to the title of Blood of Ten Chiefs, >Cutter was agile and intelligent, and could find Skywise at any >moment. They struck up a brief conversation, for the hunt was supposed to be "secret." > >Foxfur had a different attitude. MIKE: An attitude of gratitude! >Her wolf was called Deadfall. SERVO: (Leia) Luke, don't! It's a trap! >The old clunker once used to have some semblance of talent CROW: Don't think so! Jupiter is the most "talented" Sailor! MIKE: Yeah, she's got a "Talent for Love." >or even ability, but those days were long gone. And so it was with >Foxfur: the days of innocence were lost, beyond repair, and she had >inevitably reached the age of bitterness SERVO: Forty. MIKE: Uh, Tom, I have a funny feeling that the good doctor might be listening... >and sarcasm. If only Skywise would open his heavenbound eyes CROW: Fly Skywise Eyes! Daily to Poughkeepsie! >toward this obvious, earthly fact. But would that happen? She >thought not. > >The next thing Skywise knew, Cutter had run off. SERVO: Damn! He's chasing women already. CROW: And no one notices Nightfall standing just offstage, displaying *her* ample talents... MIKE: Crow! >How lucky I am, Skywise thought. The young male elf brushed his >hand CROW: Holy...! Now Skywise gets it on with himself! SERVO: (Skywise) Uh huh. Hey Foxfur, lookie here! >through his white hair, looking at Foxfur rather deviously. > >She got slightly on edge. "'Delicious prey'?" she asked suspiciously, >quoting Skywise, and trying to hide her intense suspiciouns. MIKE: (Foxfur) I just know he's gay. > >"Wait until you see my lure," Skywise muttered, almost to himself. > >Skywise's youthful face contrasted with the evening sky, SERVO: Yeah? Well, mine wouldn't contrast with the green fields. >He looked towards a grove amidst these distant fields. "Farther >from the Holt than we've ever gone," he mused, "but worth the risk, >eh?" MIKE: Another revelation from our fanfic author! Skywise is Canadian! The full scoop tomorrow... > >Foxfur got a bizarre feeling CROW: Feelings... wo wo wo... SERVO: (Foxfur) Skywise! Hands off! >as she realized that Skywise had duped her. "-Gasp!- A field of >dreamberries!" she said, trying to distract Skywise. Seeing Skywise's >relative disinterest, Foxfur took drastic action. MIKE: Romantic emergency! Looks like Foxfur will have to remove her clothes even *before* she gets into the back seat! >She dived from Deadfall into the patch, hoping that it wasn't >strangeweed. The wolf simply stood there, looking stupid. MIKE: I get the feeling that the author doesn't like wolves. SERVO: Or Skywise. CROW: Or "Elfquest." > >Skywise, honestly believing that this was the dreamberry catch of >the season, leaped into the cluster of bushes as well. Unfortunately, >he happened to collide with his "lovemate" Foxfur... SERVO: Boot to the head! CROW: Nice non-sequitur, Tom. > >The next thing Foxfur knew, she had a very bad pain in her head, MIKE: (Foxfur) Bad, bad pain! Shoo before I spank you! SERVO: Mind if I make another random pop culture reference? MIKE: Shoot. SERVO: (Foxfur) Since he put me down, I been all through it in my head... and there's been owls puking in my bed. >and a very bad feeling in her heart. Oh, NO. That waste-meat son of >a human Skywise had partially removed her tunic. CROW: Keep going! Don't let those feminists stop you. MIKE: I would complain, but it's not worth it. >Foxfur instinctively tried to crawl out of her situation, despite >being surrounded by thick branches. She painfully emerged in a >second, even though Skywise was still in there. SERVO: Yes! Going for a new record, Skywise is still at it! Not since that Malak and Selah special have we seen anyone get it on with themselves for so long... >How could he? This was a horrible offense! Choking on something >in her mouth CROW: Ooh, kinky! MIKE: Now you crossed the line. Crow!! >(probably extra-sour puckernuts), she cried out, "Mmmm... oh... oh, >lovemate...!" What HAD she just said? SERVO: Big hint, here, Foxfur... try "a canonical line, out of context." MIKE: I'm just dying to know just what the author meant by including that line. >Momentary stupidity, Foxfur figured. > >Searching the area quickly outside the bush, Foxfur spotted >something. A human - a really, really ugly one at that. CROW: You know, I want to see a normal-looking human in "Elfquest." MIKE: Well, there's a few... but most of them are the writers' avatars. CROW: Damn. >She would have charged out in a second - but her tunic was stuck on >something, and Deadfall seemed to be mating with Skywise's wolf. >How disgusting! SERVO: I can't look! CROW: And for more amazing sex scenes involving animals, we refer you to "In the Carrot Patch," a godawful fanfic that has been, thankfully, MSTed. MIKE: It's still for mature readers only, kids! >In despair, Foxfur Sent SERVO: Since when did sending gain a status as a proper noun? (His head begins to smoke again.) CROW: Don't worry about it... I'm sure a lot of other things in this fanfic will also gain that status... heh heh heh! >to Skywise, **Skywise! There's a human! We'd better run!** No, wait, >more like you run, and I stick around and kill the idiot, she realized. > >Skywise popped MIKE: And his guts spilled all over the floor. A pity. CROW: Another bucket for monsieur? >out in a moment. The male had his clothes on, of course. He Sent, >**Wait! Let's take a closer look!** reflecting his "peaceful and >innocent" facade. > >In the meantime, Foxfur got SERVO: The runs! MIKE: A clue? CROW: The hots... >her tunic ON. She Sent an alarm to both Skywise and Deadfall, >**Bearclaw won't like this!** obviously referring to Skywise's criminal act. CROW: (Foxfur) How dare he not scr-- MIKE: That's it. (He gets out of his seat and puts duck tape over Crow's beak.) > >Without cause, Skywise replied, **Bearclaw thinks we're fishing in >Goodtree's Glen!** SERVO: (Skywise) Well, I sure fooled the old badger! CROW: MMMPH! MIKE: Is that a Robert Jordan reference? > >Foxfur, distracted, thought about this for a moment. Just another one >of Skywise's dumb trivia facts, or what? She looked at the human, >who was suddenly looking far more attractive than Skywise. CROW: (Foxfur) Bite me, baby! MIKE: Hey, how did you get out of that so quickly, Crow? CROW: I have my ways. Nya ha ha! >He (it?) seemed to be rubbing a stone... how typical. SERVO: Well, you don't say! MIKE: Anyway... I think they've neutered Ehok. Either that, or the author wanted to use gender-neutral pronouns... SERVO: (Ehok) The sign said, "Humans Fixed." Wonder what that meant? >Wait a second, the he/it human had something strange-looking and >somehow familiar around his neck. Foxfur honestly didn't know much >about elf trivia... CROW: Except the occasional urban legend. SERVO: Necklaces are sexy! >but it looked like some crafter's symbol. Trying to recall >Longbranch's tales, she finally realized what it was - MIKE: What it is, man. >a rather personal symbol to Skywise. She decided, against her >instinct, to tell him... Sending, **Skywise...! Around his neck... >...the ornament Eyes High once wore in her hair!** > >Screaming various threats at the human, CROW: (Skywise) Oh my god! They killed Eyes High! You bastard! MIKE: That's getting old, Crow. >Skywise had a less-than-pleasant conversation with the human. Well, >Foxfur pretty much left him to his own personal matters. All that >mattered to her right now was SERVO: Bringing me the head of the fanfic writer. >that her relationship with Skywise - which had already been unstable >and lacking trust - was now permanently broken. MIKE: Yeah, but they'll probably be back together by the end of this. SERVO: Lost elf, fists, heart of glass, been there, done that. >She made a vow to herself at this instant - that she and Skywise >would be mortal enemies from this night on. And Foxfur knew well >that elves rarely break vows. CROW: Especially since they never make them. MIKE: (Cutter) I do take thee, Leetah, in holy Recognized lifemating, to be my... > >Eventually, Skywise got what he had wanted and dashed off on his >wolf. Foxfur, sensing that this was a most excellent SERVO: Oh, shit! I'm having a "Bill and Ted" flashback! MIKE: The feeling is mutual. But we're going to suffer together, right? >time to leave, left Skywise with one last bitter Sending. >**Lovemate...?** she mocked, steering Deadfall back toward the >Holt. CROW: Is it over yet? SERVO: Almost. But this was just the introduction... MIKE: Hey, you stay still for a minute more. Something else is coming... >--Character Profile 1: Foxfur.-- >Gender: Female. Race: Wolfrider. Age: young adult. Soul name: >Mieje. SERVO: Oh, man, a fan-made soul name for a character who's going to die... I'm losin' it... CROW: Yeah, but remember the Pini family's two rules of writing? MIKE: I do. It's something like, "One, there are no inconsistancies. Two, see rule one." SERVO: That doesn't help! MIKE: Well, at least we're close to the end. >Relatives: father Strongbow, mother Moonshade, brother Dart. CROW: I feel sick. MIKE: And I feel sympathy for Dart. >Love/Lifemate: none. Likes: Solitude, fighting, Sending. Dislikes: >Stupid, apathetic people. SERVO: (Foxfur) Hey Stupid! I hate you. Seen any apathetic people? I'm gonna beat the hell out of 'em. >Other info: Foxfur is a disillusioned Wolfrider. She rides an old >wolf, and is usually armed with a dagger. Foxfur is considered a >rebel. Quote: "Skywise, you dortboy! ALL: "Dortboy"?!? CROW: With apologies to anyone who goes to Dordt College... >Get off of me!!" MIKE: It's "Foxfur Character Profile: Innocence In A Minor." SERVO: Um, Mike, how many of our readers will get that one? CROW: Well, I don't care, because it's *over*! MIKE: And I have to go to the bathroom. (Mike and the bots leave the theater.) --- This is my first MSTing. I hope you enjoyed it! For your information, the original fanfic *was* done by me, three years ago. It gets much worse from here. Except for the changes necessary to make it into a text file, nothing in the original fanfic has been altered. Obscure references: 1) "Talent for Love" is the ending theme song of the first season of the "Tenchi Muyo!" OAV series. 2) "Boot to the Head" is a comedy sketch - you can find it on Dr. Demento's 20th anniversary CD. 3) Robert Jordan is a fantasy author. In his "Wheel of Time" series, he makes many mysterious references to something called "easing the badger." 4) The "Lost elf..." statement comes from the title of a website dedicated to the "eternal lost boy" of "Ranma 1/2" fame, Ryoga. 5) Dordt College actually exists. 6) "Innocence In A Minor" is a "Sailor Moon" fanfic by LeVar Bouyer. For private comments and criticism, e-mail me at . I'd appreciate hearing anything. I may join the Fanfic Commentary list soon, and I'll definitely be lurking in it. -Alan (John Alan Riggs)