The Daughters of Strongbow, Part One: A Self-MSTing: Chapter 2 By Alan (John Alan Riggs) For disclaimers, please refer to the end of this file. (The scene opens on Tom Servo's room, which is cluttered with various and sundry objects. From wall to wall, the bot's posessions cover the floor. His walls are disguised by a massive array of posters. In fact, the gumball-headed robot has just tacked a "Mark McGuire - 62" limited-edition on top of his centerfold of Tifa Lockheart.) SERVO: Dum de dum... dum de dum... Now, where did I put it? (Mike enters the room, followed by Crow. The ex-temp gives Tom Servo a scrutinizing look, for he has never seen the bot looking through his piles of stuff so frantically.) MIKE: What? What are you looking for? CROW: If I know him, it's probably a "No Smoking" sign to put on his head. SERVO: Well, aren't we suspicious! No, I'm looking for that... that thing that controls my sarcasm sequencer. MIKE: Oh. You mean this? (Mike pulls a thick, weighty black book from off of Tom Servo's floor. He gives the bot a quick, light whack on the head with it.) SERVO: Geez, Mike, you're a good creator. Hitting me with my own diary... now I'm going to have to tickle you. CROW: That does the trick every time. MIKE: Watch it, Crow. We're just reaching the 1/3 mark of this fanfic. We don't want any *unnecessary animosity*... SERVO: Is that so? Looks like I'll have to pull out the big guns. *Plot Advancement Hologram, activate!* (In a remarkable imitation of Artoo-Detoo, Tom Servo shoots out a beam of light from his midsection. But the person who shows up on the floor - the one clear spot on the floor - is Dr. Forrester. The green, bespectacled doctor rubs his hands together evilly, and looks at the trio with an insanely wide grin on his face.) DR. F.: Here from Deep 13, at your service, the great Doctor Clayton Forrester! Now what can I do for you gentlemen and gentlebots? MIKE: Get us the hell out of here. SERVO: Pay for my poster glue. CROW: Bite me. DR. F.: Oh, so sorry... I can't grant any of those wishes! However, I could send you more of "The Daughters of Strongbow"... SERVO: Huh. I guess that it's an OK fanfic - if you ignore the loose plot pieces, the never-in-character acting, and the dumb jokes... CROW: Are you talking about us, *buddy*? SERVO: No-no-no! Ha ha ha... (From offstage, the fanfic sign screams.) DR. F.: And just think, it's only starting to-- (He is cut off when Mike turns off the Plot Advancement Hologram.) MIKE: Oh, we got fanfic sign! CROW: All for one, and all for riffs. (They rush into the theater, and take their seats. The fanfic starts a moment later.) >2: Meetings CROW: Cool! Maybe it's got a little "meet cute." MIKE: Yeah, you wish. SERVO: Hey, I do! > >"Marcis... ugh... I knew this was just wrong..." Sezen groaned, >tired and frustrated. > >"Don't tell me, Sezen son of Orash the Hero! Tell the blinkin' >trolls!" SERVO: Why would the trolls blink? They're underground. CROW: Looks like someone got censored! >Marcis, the eternal rival of Sezen, never held back a comment. Who >knew? It could be a brilliant statement that would be remembered >for generations. > >The flabby, massive troll Dirtclod paid the captives no heed. He >was getting paid good money for this, CROW: (Dirtclod) They gotta pay me to date them damn elves! MIKE: Crow... >and did not care what the stupid little elves said in the least. > >"Dobil, my good cousin," coughed Sezen, SERVO: Coughing up the last of his lunch all over the carpet... >"I heard these *things* are taking us to some bad place... too bad, >they say, even for *jerk* trolls." > >"Oh, shut off. MIKE: Sweetness! Dobil is British. CROW: (Dobil) Lovemate, I'd care for a spot of tea. >Let Dirtclod here do his dirty work, and just be quiet, Sezen," >complained Dobil. He was generally the last one to complain, but >this was different. This time, a fat, incompetent troll was kicking >him around. All three of the Go-Backs had a deep, brooding hate for >trolls. > >Marcis saw the tunnel from the main chamber first. "Dirtclod... this >is it, yes?" He wondered if this wasn't the "death chamber," CROW: Because Dobil and Sezen had just lost their heads due to the gigantic axe... MIKE: The fic turns dark, you turn dark. What's the connection here? >because some mild light was not far from where they were. Still, it >was probably a good place to escape... "I think old Guttle-butt >said it looked just like this..." SERVO: (Marcis) Yes sir, troll-god, sir! I got the scuttlebutt from Guttle-butt! > >The troll guard realized - he had forgotten which stupid tunnel to >toss them into. On the other hand, what did it matter? These wimpy >elflings wouldn't be back anytime soon. He could just say he 'put >them away...' "Uhp, yea. Don't come back," Dirtclod grunted as one >squeezed past him. > >Unharmed by the foolish troll, the young elves ran down the black >corridor towards the light. CROW: Suggestive imagery! MIKE: Thank you, Freud. SERVO: And all this time I thought the trolls of the north were intelligent. I mean, they figured out how to put Osek to good use... MIKE: Continuity? Who needs it when you're writing *fanfic*? > >--Character Profile 3: Marcis-- >Gender: Male. Race: Go-Back. Age: young adult. Soul name: none. >Relatives: none of note. Love/Lifemate: none. Likes: Humor, attitude, >combat. Dislikes: Sezen (humorously). SERVO: Character profile of Tom Servo... Dislikes: Fanfic (badly). CROW: How did you do that? >Other info: None. Quote: "I still think you're a dip!" > >--Character Profile 4: Sezen-- >Gender: Male. Race: Go-Back. CROW: Ad nauseam. I think I'll be going back now... MIKE: Don't think so, Goldenrod. We're in this together. CROW: But Kahvi and Tyldak- SERVO: Yeah, they went back and got stuck in a Preserver cocoon. Been there, done that. >Age: young adult. Soul name: none. Relatives: father Orash (dead). >Love/Lifemates: Jieta. Likes: Honor, adventure. Dislikes: Danger, >manipulation. Other info: Sezen is smarter than he looks, and >manages to keep secrets well. Quote: "...for the sake of revenge!" > >...How did they know each other's soul names? > >Bearclaw and Strongbow hated each other, and yet got along. It was >a bizarre relationship. CROW: What with one being gay and the other- MIKE: Crow! SERVO: Don't mind him. Crow's been reading too many Chris Davies fanfics. >and not even the ancient storyteller Longreach could remember >anything like it. Both male elves were close to the wolves... >independent, violent, and amazingly loyal. They knew the "fun and >excitement" of Recognition, and now Strongbow had just had his >second cub. MIKE: Say it's Crescent... say it's Crescent... SERVO: You're obsessed, aren't you? MIKE: Hardly! It's just that having Crescent in this would help the title make sense. SERVO: Yeah, but it doesn't fit the timeline. The cub has to be Dart. CROW: Who's obsessed? >If the line of chiefs was not strictly by blood, then Bearclaw and >Strongbow would have nearly killed each other for the honor of >chiefhood. > >But how did they know each other's soul names? CROW: Well, that's what we're asking you, Mr. Fanfic Author! >The Blood of Nine Chiefs and his most ferocious hunter constantly >faced off in Sending matches. Whatever they argued about, it would >thus be confidential. But today, Strongbow was strangely open. His >anger... blood lust?... hit anyone who happened to be nearby. SERVO: (Random elf) Oww! Damn blood lust! MIKE: Then Strongbow started hitting elves with the grapes of wrath... and the bloodsucking cabbages of death... SERVO: You just reached your Dave Barry reference quota. >It terrified even the mature ones. Perhaps things would have been >best if they had not known each other's soul names. > >Strongbow lashed out, **Renn, CROW: Stimpy! You eeeediot! SERVO: Hey, the author used a canonical soul name. First time! >you have fooled the tribe! Your cub, Cutter is in no position to be >Blood of Ten Chiefs! Do not try to fool yourself, 'Bearclaw'! What >would you do if I suddenly did something against your will, Renn?!** > >Neither could the good chief contain his emotions, Sending, **Wrong >again, Strongbow... Rael. What do you know of the honor, the power, >the sacrifice? I am chief until death, and I declare that for as >long as I live, YOU shall never be chief of the Wolfriders, Rael!** MIKE: But if YOU can't, maybe NOW can. SERVO: Or OSHA. CROW: Or ICBM. MIKE: This is starting to get silly... > >Bearclaw then left. He felt a sense of triumph, but it was shallow >and pitiful. Something was eating away at his favorite hunter... >something out there. SERVO: It's a vampire! Maybe this is all an Anne Rice crossover. MIKE: (singing) Somewhere out there... CROW: Maybe the Wolfrider tribe is a haven for cannibalism. > >--Character Profile 5: Bearclaw, Blood of Nine Chiefs.-- >Gender: Male. Race: Wolfrider. Age: adult. Soul name: Renn. >Relatives: cub Cutter. Love/Lifmate: Joyleaf. Likes: Wolves, battle, >dreamberries, his tribe, his family. Dislikes: Rebellion. Other >info: Bearclaw, despite minor flaws, is a good leader. Quote: >"Idiot!" CROW: Stupid! You're so stupid! SERVO: Bearclaw having "minor flaws" is sort of like saying that General Patton was slightly egotistical... > >Foxfur was intrigued by this large rock formation. She had never >seen this, nor heard talk of it. Still, it was something to think >about. It didn't stare back at her. And the rocks didn't have any >of those annoying elven abilities. SERVO: What's going on here? Why do we need to know this? (His head starts smoking and fizzling.) CROW: Calm down there, buddy... Foxfur's just taking a little mental vacation, or something. >The company of others always bothered Foxfur. The Wolfriders had a >group personality of sorts - calm and social one moment, impulsive >and bloodthirsty another moment. But Foxfur was not like all of >them. She was an individual, she was herself, she was a recluse. >And she hated Skywise! MIKE: As does the author. CROW: And she probably hates "erotic" fics too. She can bite me. SERVO: (Foxfur) I hate everybody! Including puppy dogs and bubble wrap! MIKE: You're a strange, strange bot. (Shaking their heads in dismay, all three walk out of the theater.) -- Brief Notes: Hope you're enjoying this so far. I've got a number of positive comments, but I definitely enjoy the ones that critique my style and point out what's good and bad. It will still be a few more days before the next installment, but I'll have a little more free time over the next few weeks. I hope my host segments are getting a little better... One obscure reference in this one: Chris Davies is one of the premier authors of anime fan fiction, but his works tend to have a lot of homosexual relationships - sometimes from seemingly out of nowhere. Much-Needed Legal Disclaimer: "Elfquest," its characters, and all indicia thereof are copyright 1978-1998 Warp Graphics. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and all of its characters and aspects are copyrights of Best Brains, Inc. No profit is, or may be, made from this fan-made work. "The Daughters of Strongbow" is copyright 1995- 1996 John Alan Riggs, as is this "MSTing" of it. This disclaimer also applies to the two previously posted episodes. -Alan