The Daughters of Strongbow, Part One: A Self-MSTing: Chapter 4. By Alan (John Alan Riggs). For credits and disclaimers, see the end of this document. (The scene opens just outside the theater doors. Mike, Tom Servo, and Crow are together in a huddle, having an intense discussion.) MIKE: This is looking ugly, guys. Forrester is definitely out to get us this time. But we have ammunition. Crow, Tom - do you have the weapons ready? CROW: Yes! I have the full list of Oscarisms memorized and ready to recite back at the hermaphrodite. Found it at . MIKE: That's the last plug I let you do until next chapter, Goldie. SERVO: Well, I've compiled a list of all the inconsistencies and loose plot ends in Oscar's fanfics. I lost count halfway through "Diana," and I think my memory had a brief breakdown somewhere in "Toon Lights," but I've got 'em all. MIKE: Perfect. So when he comes, you can begin your assault. (A light suddenly shines on Mike and the bots from the ceiling. They look up, and see the hideously green visage of Dr. Forrester looking down on them. The doctor is snickering.) DR. F.: I know you've all been waiting. Well, I won't keep you in suspense! CROW: Come on, Forrester. If you're going to send us Oscar, do it now and save us the agony! DR. F.: Well, I'm very sorry... but I couldn't reach him. There will be no Oscar to "help" you. (Mike and the bots continue to look up, all of them silent. Seconds later, all of them scream in delight.) SERVO: I feel happy! Happy! CROW: Oh, thank the maker! MIKE: Yahoo! DR. F.: I know you're disappointed. Now get in that theater, and prepare yourself for the next chapter! (The fan fiction sign goes off.) MIKE: Oh, we got fanfic sign... but I just can't help but smile. SERVO: See you around, doctor. (They run through the six doors and into the theater. A moment later, the fanfic begins.) >4: Breaking the Peace SERVO: Do I smell something? CROW: Somebody just broke peace. Heh. > >Strongbow just could not take it. Go ahead, Bearclaw, make anyone >else chief, including me. But not Cutter. Not after that "little >oversight." **While you're at it,** Strongbow Sent long distance MIKE: Doubling his phone bill instantly. SERVO: God, it costs a lot to make a call from outer space. >to Bearclaw, **take One-Eye's other eye, send Rain first into >battle, and ask me to refuse Recognition with Moonshade. You're >doing a big favor for the Wolfriders, Renn! And I hope you hear my >Sending!** > >But Strongbow's scheme went deeper. He wanted to do something >criminal, scandalous, horrible! It was almost too good - or evil. SERVO: Now I want to know where the author got the damn idea that Strongbow would actually do something evil. He's hardly even been provoked in this fanfic! I'd expect a little bitterness, but *this*... MIKE: We feel your pain. Have a RAM chip. >He knew what they would "say" - The Forbidden Joining! > >Could Strongbow do this? CROW: If he's a real man, hell, yeah! MIKE: Crow! > >A Wolfrider lived with his small "family" within the Holt. He had >been born some time ago under adverse conditions, and carried a lot >of luck. SERVO: (Skywise) I lost my lucky ball and chain, now she's six years gone... CROW: Too easy. >For his growing talents he was known as Skywise. The young elf was >the friend of two others: Cutter and Foxfur. One of them was about >to betray that friendship... and it wouldn't be Cutter. > >At that moment, Cutter and Skywise were telling "bedtime" stories >to spook each other. Both knew many, most about themselves, though >none of the stories were true. > >"Good one, Cutter! The troll said, 'Doh!' SERVO: The bot said, "Dumb!" MIKE: The human said, "Duh." >I couldn't have predicted that one," laughed Skywise, being honest. > >His soul brother commented, "And did I tell you what Foxy (Tom Servo's head begins smoking heavily.) CROW: Tom, settle down... SERVO: *Nicknames*?! >did last moon? I still can't believe it to this night? This is..." > >Suddenly, Cutter's father entered the tree home. Bearclaw, dressed >in his usual garb, was strangely silent. Mumbling something behind >his beard, SERVO: Acting! MIKE: Glad to see that you're feeling better. >the chief went to his resting place. Joyleaf went to him, signaling >to the cubs to leave them alone... > > >Dirtclod was thrown before the throne. At least twenty other >heavily armed troll guards and King Guttlekraw were staring at him. >There was dead silence - no words could escape Dirclod's mouth. He >had failed the trolls, and they all knew it. > >"Now, my warriors," chuckled the immense, dark Guttlekraw, "you will >take this oaf of a troll to his death. MIKE: Another day, another stock character. >And once that is done, find the elves and make sure they are dead." > >Dirtclod was never heard from again. The troll king would have >thanked the one who caught the incompetent guard, but Two-Edge >was never around when one needed him. There was some purpose to the >secretive one's games, but Guttlekraw could only guess at this one. >It didn't matter, because his troll guards knew where to go - an >unknown tunnel that lead to some remote place in the south. The >Go-Backs were probably dead anyway. SERVO: Well, that was several pieces of the plot from Books Two through Four reprised... and badly. I feel sick. MIKE: Hang on Servo - there's not much more left to go. > >To the surprise of the Go-Back elves, Foxfur was very agile about >the forest. The Wolfrider *knew* the Holt. CROW: In what sense? Nudge nudge! >She was the recluse, the mercenary, the athlete of these southern >elves. Dobil was the first to follow Foxfur, though he couldn't >match her pace. He had sensed something different about the girl, MIKE: Uh-huh. She's a female girl. CROW: Are you gonna keep going with that joke? MIKE: As long as you keep up your innuendo! >after all, he was rather different himself. And though Dobil did >not know her name, he almost thought that he could find another >type of name inside. But what was this? And why couldn't he find >this...? > >Sezen, cousin of Dobil, still did not like this. It was almost if >elves and trolls were becoming one. SERVO: OK... we just went from "absurd" to "sublime." If anyone can figure what the hell that means, I'll give 'em ten RAM chips. >But why was everyone quiet? What was the big secret? And why were >they now after a "Sky-wise," and not this Evil? "Hey, girl, who's >this Skywise? I know there's something up, and I'm not afraid to >admit it!" Sezen noticed that Foxfur was glaring at him >maliciously. MIKE: (Homer Simpson) Urge to kill... rising... CROW: (Foxfur) You're not the "tame, gentle cub" I heard about. > >"No," she said after a pause, "Skywise just happens to be a big >jerk. He thinks he's my lovemate - or worse. (Only when drunk, she >thought.) SERVO: *When* does Skywise get drunk? MIKE: Dunno. Apparently, this author has Skywise confused with Pike. CROW: Or Misato from "Neon Genesis Evangelion." What a babe... >We're gonna pull the prank of a lifetime on him, then go after >something more serious." > >Meanwhile, Marcis was disillusioned. This was no dancer after all! >Instead, this female belonged to no one, which was obvious from >how she acted. He had an attitude about these things. MIKE: An attitude of gratitude! SERVO: We've got four more chapters to go with this part, and already the continuity of "Elfquest" has been shot through the roof. Anyone ready to leave? MIKE & CROW: Yes! (They leave the theater without any complaints.) -- If you're wondering, the "I lost my lucky ball and chain" riff comes from They Might Be Giants' "Lucky Ball and Chain," from the "Flood" CD. I've got three fanfic series I'm working on, as well as another MSTing, so it'll be several days before the next episode. Thanks for waiting, and *thanks* for all the comments! If no one would seriously object, I'll print them in the host segment for the next chapter. Naturally, I'll leave off any last names and e-mail addresses. Oh, and did I mention that I just became a "Pokemon" addict? -Alan (both in the USA)