--Alan -- Jhorof 3:16 says you lose! ###################################################################### The Daughters of Strongbow, Part Two: Chapter 3 And the Short "Extreme Weirdness: Introduction" A Self-MSTing By Alan (John Alan Riggs) ###################################################################### Their previous, short-lived continuity swept away by one pressing of the Big Button, Mike and the bots were slightly reticent to ask what had happened to them now. All three looked around. They were still stuck in the ancient elven Palace, but at this moment, they were not alone. A few feet away from where they stood, Suntop was out cold on the floor. His eyeballs were rotating, and little birdies were floating over his head. "Oh man," Crow said, feeling a little relieved to see the failed foe unconscious, "Our old baddie has now got it bad. Well, now that we're in another universe, maybe he won't be evil any longer." Mike looked sideways at Crow. Quietly, he asked, "Wanna bet?" Crow let off a yelp. Noticably twitching, he replied, "Ah ha ha... yeah, I'll bet, I'll bet! Fifty RAM chips, buddy." Meanwhile, Tom stared at the both of them. He asked, "Since when does Crow have an interest in gambling?" Neither of his friends heard the question, for they were already counting out RAM chips. "What... huh... what is this?" Suntop slowly asked, as he sat up. The young elf blinked his eyes twice. Mike looked down toward the elf. Quietly, he replied, "You don't want to know. It's confusing, and I don't care to explain it right now." Immediately, Crow jumped toward Suntop. In a loud, eager voice, the robot asked, "Quick--are you a bad guy?" Twitching his lip, Suntop stammered, "Um... I... I don't know." Laughing uncontrollably, Tom Servo shouted, "Now you owe me fifty RAM chips. Bwa ha ha!" His gumball head started to spark. "Oh, this is just great, guys," Mike said. Quickly glancing at the floor-to-ceiling viewscreen, he asked, "You just know that another wannabe bad guy is going to show up any second." Answering his question, all four of them heard a loud, slow laugh. It was definitely evil, no question about that. However, the laugh was distinctly high-pitched. Their bad guy was female. Staggering to get on his feet, Suntop blurted, "I... I..." He was wobbling as he stood. A second later, the familiar movie sign went off. Sighing, Mike said, "Oh, we got fanfic sign. Follow us, Suntop... otherwise, you're going in greater pain than we will." "That wasn't good grammar, Mike," Tom said pertly. Ignoring the robot's comment, Mike lead all of them into the theater... -- Door 8: The Tunnel of Golden Light! Major flashback... Door 7: A brown stone wall that dissolves as it is approached. Door 6: Imitation rain falls as they go toward a black portal. Door 5: Above an ordinary wooden door is a four-fingered hand made of stone... Door 4: A curtain of beads. A vague elven figure can be seen behind it. Door 3: A sealed door of gray stone. They climb through a tiny hole several feet above it. Door 2: A metal door that operates with a crank. It opens toward them. Door 1: A massive mouth filled with white teeth. -- (All four take seats in the front row.) >Extreme Weirdness >By John Alan Riggs > >Introduction CROW: (breathless) My name is Crow T. Robot, I'm a young girl from Tokyo, age 14, my hobbies are kendo and video games, and my blood type is A. SUNTOP: ... > >(For the terminally stupid, this whole book if filmed from Ganvaus' >only moon, Pabdi.) > >"Thirty seconds 'till show time!!" the filming crew hollered to a >number of fat, sarcastic men TOM: Is this a comedians' convention? >who were standing around on the gray, featureless rock surface. >Immediately 75% of the staff started running around like mad, which >should clue the reader - that's you - into the events to come. MIKE: (booming) What lies in store for our heroes? > >Thirty seconds later, the nameless 75% had almost run out of air, so >when the remaining filming crew shouted "POSITIONS, EVERYONE! START >FILMING!!" they promptly fainted on the spot. (Suntop faints.) CROW: (whisper) He doesn't have much stamina, huh? >The director, Joe Boringo (he had an IQ of fifteen) simultaneously >slapped himself and started filming the credits anyway. > >The first credit screen was titled "Dedications." But after three >long screens of messages such as "I'm gonna quit!", "Who the *$!)@~# >writes these %^>#=(*# scripts??", and "This part is IMPOSSIBLE!!!" >all from "Yo-K," ALL EXCEPT SUNTOP: Umm... >the most obnoxious/noboxious character in the book; the director fast >forwarded through this nonsense after a few seconds of exasperation. >The camera was fast, but it was a half hour before he reached the >next section TOM: Monty Python did it better. >(Hint, hint). The next section consisted of previews for equally lame >movies such as Dinosaurs Eat Cadillacs (which was rumored to be five >hours long), MIKE: (goofy) But with a name like that, how could ya resist? >The Last Dazed and Confused Boy Scout Action Hero Married an Axe >Murdered Named Aladdin, Stare War Truck Epi-soda Roman Numeral >NC108ISTHEREASUBLIMINALMESSAGEHERENOOFCOURSENOT ("starring Indy, >Anna, Darth, Wayne, Nose Picard, and Jim, who's been dead ever since >Episode Negative Twelve!"), and, worst of all, Poof!, TOM: "Poof"? I kinda like that name. CROW: Is this paragraph ever going to end? >the movie whose title screen lasted for two hours without changing. >Ten sequels were on the way! > >After all of the previews, the real filming of the book-about-to- >become-movie began. It was estimated at a later time that the entire >production cost $500 billion, a savings of $1.99 off the original >budget price tag. It was a box office flop. Critics everywhere said >that the book was better, which I wrote (Not you! ME!! Ha ha ha!!) MIKE: Ummm... This is a story based on the movie of a book by the same author? TOM: Good enough for me. MIKE: Yeah. We should be going, though... Suntop's still unconscious, and I don't think he'll be getting up for a while. (They exit the theater.) -- Mike placed Suntop's limp body on the clean, well-swept floor of the Palace's bridge. Looking up toward the viewscreen, he asked, "Who are you, oh evil one, that we might know of you?" "Bravo! Encore!" Tom Servo quietly said, trying to clap his hands. Slowly, a face appeared on the static-ridden viewscreen. Their foe was an... ordinary-looking woman. "Greetings," she said, in a crisp, sophisticated accent, "Since you asked so politely... bUgGeR oFf, PPPP EEEEEE OOOOOO NNN NN SSSSS !! PP PP EE OO OO NN NN NN SS !! PP PP EE OO OO NN NN NN SS !! PPPP EEEE OO OO NN NN NN SSSSS !! PP EE OO OO NN NN NN SS !! PP EE OO OO NN NNNN SS PP EEEEEE OOOOOO NN NNN SSSSS !! Oh, and by the way," she continued, wiping the evil grin off her face, "Call me Roberta. I'm a 34-year old Hispanic-American native of Portland, Oregon. A machinist by day, but an Internet flamer by night." Though they had been covering their... um, ears, Mike and the bots looked toward Roberta, and all had concerned expressions on. "That's very nice," Crow said, glancing down at the floor, "But we've been somehow stuck with Suntop here, and he's not in a good condition to help us out. You don't *need* to monitor his mind, do you?" "I suppose not," Roberta said, a note of concern in her voice, "But don't you want to hear about my evil exploits? How I nearly destroyed Apple with the Michaelangelo virus? How I hacked into Mixx Communications' site? My deal with my boss?" Mike and the bots coughed simultaneously, and told her, "Not really." They paused, hoping their new enemy would not be overly concerned by such a statement. For a second, Roberta paused. After cracking her knuckles, she replied, "Very well then. Suntop will no longer be with you. But instead... I shall continue the experiment. Your new installment of 'Daughters' is... a little different than the other ones. I hope you'll enjoy it." She smiled coyly, and an instant later, her image vanished. Suntop was also gone from view. Both bots looked toward Mike. Feeling prophetic, he said, "It could be worse. But we got fanfic sign!" As the siren went off, they ran back towards the theater... -- (Having ignored the door sequence, they take their seats.) >Letter Three: A Time for Peace > >It's me again, Suntop. MIKE: Good thing he gets to miss this... >I don't understand Stormbringer's next letter. We've known each other >for seven seasons, and still this doesn't make any sense. But here it >is - good luck. TOM: Who is Suntop talking to? > >*** >Stormbringer's third letter begins, "Ayooah-wa, Treefall! Something >amazing has happened to me. Part of the credit must go to one named >Jhorof, but the rest belongs to the Higher Power that he told me >about... MIKE: Hoo-boy. CROW: That's it. Goodbye, Elfquest universe. It was nice knowing you. > >Yes, the group Dobil travels with is his family. They are of a >different tribe than ours, but I do not think of them as inferior. So >maybe they do complain a lot, but it's just that I tend to unnerve >others. This is no fault of mine. However, I encourage you to stop >letting your tribe threaten my friends! They are not expert warriors. > >If you're still interested in my childhood... TOM: Visit Stormbringer-the-elf.com! >here goes. About five turns of the seasons ago, we fled from the >humans and began to travel again. We ended up in a bleak, hilly, >treeless land... the land that had once been my forest home." > >Stormbringer remembers the day. There would not be such an eventful >day for another two turns of the seasons. MIKE: Oh grand and glorious day! CROW: What a day it will be! >It all began at a little patch of ordinary rock. > >*** >Foxfur was weeping. For the first time in her life, she felt that >feeling of isolation. Her "family" was standing by, CROW: Getting ready to attack the Death Star. >as always. Well, they certainly didn't value her. Why did they stare >at her, in this worst of moments? This was a place of memories long >gone, where all these mad adventures had begun - at a little patch TOM: How'd he get here? >of rock. Now, everyone was being annoyingly quiet: Dobil, >Stormbringer, Jieta, little Vaun, and... whatever the human liked to >call himself. Idiots, all of you, Foxfur bitterly thought. > >Dobil admiringly looked at the hollow rock. MIKE: TOM: MIKE: TOM: MIKE: TOM: MIKE: TOM: >"This seems familiar, somehow, but I can't place it. Anyone else >know?" he puzzled, holding the very familiar Jieta close to himself. > >**Stupid cub!** Foxfur Sent to Dobil, **This is the rock where we >first met. And you wanted to go home then! Maybe you can permanently >go back now, Go-Back!** CROW: (Dobil) Ha ha, that's very funny, miss... get me out of here! > >Jieta commented in general, "Nice forest, Dobil. Well, I caught a >little of what your friend was 'sending,' and I think she wanted to >say, 'Go through rock.' Right?" Jieta innocently looked at the broken >Foxfur. MIKE: Sheesh. Someone should glue Foxfur back together. > >Dobil's "friend" grudgingly said, "Not quite. Why can't you leave us >alone, Jieta? My time and Sendings are private." > >From off to the side, Stormbringer interrupted, "Uh... trolls >incoming." She grabbed a sharp stick that she had collected not long >after the human encounter. TOM: (Game master) You encounter three skeletons. They shake their swords at you. > >The human youth, who called himself Karyk, asked, "/What are those? >They are ugly!\" for a good reason. The trolls were ugly, and dressed >even worse. Though the two foes posed no threat to the Go-Backs, >Karyk had never seen trolls in his life. He stuck close to his elf >friends. > >--Character Profile 14: Karyk-- MIKE: I know this story has a thing about properly introducing its characters, but isn't this a little much? I mean, this human just showed up, and he'll probably be dead in a few chapters. CROW: It could be worse. Heard of the X-Men fanfic "X"? >Gender: Male. Race: Human. Age: teenager. Soul name: none. Relatives: >unknown. Love/Lifemates: none. Likes: Other people (even elves). >Dislikes: Hate. TOM: (Karyk) Buddy, go home! >Other info: Karyk came from some human tribe - it doesn't matter >which. Someday, he may prove to have some worth. Quote: "..." > >*** >Stormbringer's thoughts have been interrupted (again!) by a loud >rustling from the undergrowth and bushes. She puts down her writing >materials and checks the shaded area. Not surprisingly, someone has >been sneaking around from behind the trees. And that someone is >Suntop. CROW: (Suntop) I am somebody! Suntop somebody! MIKE: Oh, man... don't check his area. Please. > >**What ARE you doing in there, Suntop?** Stormbringer Sends to her >cousin. **And why were you trying to sneak up on me?** Suntop is a >rather dark-skinned elf, and is of above-average looks. Still, having >been raised in the desert, he tends to stumble around in the forest. > >He stands up and shrugs, dressed much like his father Cutter. TOM: Since when? Hey, do either of you remember when this story takes place? (Mike and Crow shrug.) TOM: Hmmm... >"Well, there are certain 'guy' things, and other 'girl' things. A >very respectable elf, Savah, taught me that. And I believe it." > >That went over Stormbringer's head. She says to her friend, "Oh, go >play with the Preservers. CROW: (exaggerated gangster) Youse is gonna be playin' with da preservas. >I'm trying to come up with a brilliant literary concept, and I don't >like to be interrupted." > >Stormbringer watches as Suntop blends into the woods. He'll be back, >I know it, she thinks. Stormbringer seats herself again and MIKE: --gets up again. Nothing gonna keep her down. CROW: Will she drink a whiskey drink? >remembers a time when her family really irritated her... She writes, >"Not long after returning to my childhood home, we discovered a >group of trolls. However, they were not hostile. The trolls of the >Holt were alone and weak, and had no choice but to be friendly. They >even let us live in their former cave. We stayed there for about two >turns of the seasons. During this time was when you CROW: Hey! Leave us out of the story. MIKE: Tom? Are you OK? TOM: I'm thinking, I'm thinking... >and I first met. I had been bored, and my family finally let me go on >a journey by myself. So that is how I reached your Holt..." > >*** >She had traveled over the river and through the woods for this? >Stormbringer vowed upon seeing these other elves that she would never >take another trip into the unknown. > >Only three elves were there besides Stormbringer. One was Treefall, >and another was the famous Falconbane. MIKE: (announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you TV's Falconbane! >The other was a suspicious girl whose name no one knows. Falconbane >addressed Stormbringer, "Hello, my name is Falconbane, and I am very >tired today." CROW: (Falconbane) Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience. MIKE: Tom, just forget it. The continuity's too weird. TOM: Oh, all right. > >The Unknown Wolfrider snuggled up subtly to Falconbane. He was one of >the few that she could be honest with, and that was certainly hard to >do, considering her past. > >Stormbringer, not feeling too enthusiastic about this welcoming >committee, asked them, "So this is an organized tribe? It sure >doesn't seem like it. And how did you get here anyway?" > >Treefall plainly responded, "That's a long story. TOM: I am amazed by this fanfic. It's a story within a story within a story! CROW: Funny, I never thought about it in that way... >You can call me Treefall, by the way. And I'm the chief here." > >His underling Falconbane wittily interrupted, "I could've been, if it >wasn't for this friend of mine." > >Unknown Sent exclusively, **Don't mention that.** MIKE: (Unknown) Ixnay! Ixnay on the script-reading! >Treefall, slightly annoyed, continued, "Anyway, here's our story..." > >--Character Profile 15: The Unknown Wolfrider-- >Gender: Female. Race: Wolfrider. Age: young adult. Real name: >Woodberry. MIKE: Hey... isn't she also in ElfQuiz Parody? CROW: Well, this story was sort of an inspiration for 'Quiz. But I think the Woodberry there is different. Still, does it matter? ALL: No! >Soul name: Cani. Relatives: Won't tell, doesn't know. Love/Lifemate: >Falconbane. Likes: Adventuring, mystery. Dislikes: Interrogation, >vulnerability. Other info: "Unknown" is the cub that slipped away. >The details of this are, well, unknown, but by some means, she fled >the old Holt. Expect a greater role for Unknown in the sequel. TOM: Or better yet, destroy the sequel and expect a greater role. >Quote: "I better not be related to YOU." > >*** >Stormbringer remembers Treefall's long story. It had to do with a >disaster and a refuge. She never liked Falconbane... he was loud and >obnoxious, CROW: --and noboxious? >and constantly interrupted his chief. But Stormbringer didn't know >what to make of that Unknown Wolfrider. The girl stayed hidden and >aloof, and was unlike anyone she knew. Except herself. MIKE: (deep) In every bad fanfic, there's a good fanfic just waiting to get out... > >But after that conversation, Stormbringer had made a commitment to >Treefall. They would try to find a way to discuss each other's lives. >For Stormbringer got a chance to look over the Holt known as >Questhaven, and was pleased by it. However, it was not easy for >Stormbringer to come up with a way to write down words, for the next >event in her life would cause some sudden changes... > >*** >Cutter and Skywise cautiously walked through the old troll cave. TOM: Hey--it's Book 2! This puts everything in perspective... give me a moment here... MIKE & CROW: Here we go again. >It had been seven turns of the seasons, and everything could have >changed. But the cave seemed strangely, unnaturally empty. Where was >everyone? Something powerful must have happened here. CROW: (booming) The wrath of rejected fanfic writers! >The two adventuring elves smelled nothing... that is, no trolls. >However, they managed to not notice the scents of several elves and a >human in hiding. > >Foxfur's extended family, upon hearing their noises, had scrambled >into a corner of the troll cave. But all evidence of their existence >here had been cleaned out in seconds, TOM: The 3 Ninjas, they're not. MIKE: I just can't believe this... how could Cutter and Skywise completely miss them? >thanks to a team effort. Right now, they were so densely packed that >they would have killed to get out of this! > >**Mother, the human is FLATTENING me!** (Crow snickers. A second later, Tom joins in. Mike quietly groans.) > >Foxfur replied silently to Stormbringer, **I know! Keep your Sending >private.** > >Quite a few feet below them, Cutter and Skywise were *slowly* >investigating the cave. The two of them (well, one of them, according >to Foxfur) had matured somewhat, but both were still young and >able to have adventures for little or no reason. TOM: A more existential Elfquest. > >Suddenly, Dobil got a wicked idea. **Hey guys, how about we lock- >Send on them?** > >**NO, Dobil! Heads down!** Foxfur was sure that they had been noticed. > >Skywise casually looked in their direction. He seemed more futile >than ever, and it was if he had not seen the cluster of bodies. But >he looked up once again - no reason, of course - and saw a pair of >eyes. The eyes belonged to Foxfur. Then he turned and left with >Cutter. MIKE: Ummm... CROW: Well, that was different... MIKE: I think it's leading up to something, but I don't want to know just what. > >*** >Stormbringer adds in her letter, "Only one or two days later, my >family was on the move again. The trolls, very angry for some reason, >forced us out of the cave. So we headed into the north. Not finding >any humans, we set up camp where our ancient rivals once had been. >And shortly after that, there was a brief, bizarre incident. TOM: A crossover with Ranma 1/2. MIKE: Funny, now that you mention it... >The past was catching up with us..." > >*** >Dobil was the first to notice that Karyk was in a panic. Over the >last two seasons, Dobil had begun to learn the human language. >Carefully, he asked the young man, "/What is going on? Something >wrong?\" CROW: At this point, the grammar just sort of breaks down. > >Karyk blurted, "/Yes! Something big-big is coming!\" He pointed to a >shape rushing towards them from the south. > >Noticing the frenzy of voices, Stormbringer came near. She saw this >object, commenting, "Huh? Is that some sort of big, ugly wolf?" MIKE: The three little elves! TOM: The three little humans! CROW: The three little (mumble)... >She had inherited Foxfur's dislike of wolves. > >Dobil replied, staring intensely, "That's not a wolf, cub. It has >something on its back, and some things underneath it..." > >"GET OUT OF ITS WAY!" screamed Foxfur. TOM: (Foxfur) I CAN DO A REALLY GOOD BEVERLY GARLAND IMPRESSION! >They all stopped talking and jumped back, MIKE: --from that ledge, my friend... >allowing more than enough space for the running thing. > >Calmer, the family tried to figure out what this was. An dark-skinned >elf seemed to hanging from it by some means (or was she a small >human?), and there was a curious basket on the side of the creature. CROW: Identify the cameo, win a prize! TOM: Looky here, golden boy, I *know* that's the scene with Leetah from Book 2. You don't have to ask. MIKE: Mind the egos, gentlemen... > >"Catch big wolf?" the young Vaun asked. > >His mother answered, "No, but we can follow it. Right, Dobil?" > >Dobil chimed in, "Yes, Jieta, of course we will." That just about >convinced everyone. > >--Character Profile 16: Vaun-- TOM: Who's just spoken his first line. Many more will follow, so stay tuned for the next installment of the seemingly endless "Daughters of Strongbow"! >Gender: Male. Race: Go-Back. Age (at present): 6. Soul name: none. >Relatives: father Dobil, mother Jieta, brother Angru, sister Toruo. >Likes: Wolfriders. Dislikes: unknown. MIKE: What did she do now? >Other info: There's not much now to say about Vaun, but he will have >a fair role in the sequel. I promise. Quote: "Hi, I'm Vaun." > >*** >Stormbringer's letter ends in saying, "So that was how I got to my >current home. After the chase, we had a most interesting encounter, >which I will tell you about in my next letter. Send my regards to >Falconbane. Until then, may the High One bless all of you." CROW: Signed, Raye "Transformation Sequence" Hino. MIKE: Man... this was a long session. We'd better get out while we can. TOM: I'm with you all the way. CROW: Now we get to meet Roberta's boss. Just what I wanted... -- ~To Be Continued!~ Thanks for reading this. As always, your feedback is appreciated! For those who follow it, I'm planning to post the next installment of 'Quiz before the end of March. These are busy times, but I think I can make the effort... -Alan Disclaimers: "Elfquest," its characters, etc., are copyright 1978-1999 Warp Graphics. "Mystery Science Theater 3000," its characters, etc., are copyright 1988- 1999 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing was created by Alan (John Alan Riggs) on March 22, 1999.