--Alan -- Well... at least I completed *something* this semester. ###################################################################### The Daughters of Strongbow, Part Two: Chapter 4 Installment 1: "Extreme Weirdness: Chapter 1" (short) A Self-MSTing By Alan (John Alan Riggs) ###################################################################### "Another day, another villain," Crow remarked, letting his beak do all the talking for him, "Why, with all the strange things we've been going through, I wouldn't be surprised if Doctor What's-his-name's mother showed up." He looked up toward the massive viewscreen that gave the High Ones' Palace a view of the universe. Quickly, Tom glanced at the golden 'bot. "Bad idea," he said, "You know what the power of suggestion can do?" Crow immediately turned towards his fellow robot. Attempting to put up his arms, he asked, "Well, maybe I don't. How 'bout you tell me what your big, frightening power of suggestion can do?" "Yeah! Yeah, I'll tell you," Tom shouted, hovering closer to Crow. Meanwhile, Mike looked at the ensuing brawl. He told them, "Quiet, both of you. I think our Monster of the Week is calling..." Before them, on the wide video screen, Roberta's now-familiar face appeared. Rubbing her hands together, she said, "Last time I made a little mention of my boss. Now... how would you like to *meet* her?" The amateur villain snickered. Smirking, Mike looked right towards the screen. "Bring 'em on," he said. Without a word, Roberta pulled a small metal chain. A blue curtain was lifted upward, and the Palace's new residents could now see what horror was behind it. In a floor-to-ceiling glass tube, filled with water, there was a female elf. She looked quite familiar, what with her long black hair, minimalist outfit, and multiple wooden spike wounds... "Hey," Crow said, finally looking toward the screen, "They brought back Winnowill! How'd you do it?" All too casually, Roberta shrugged. "Oh, it was nothing," she said, "I just tampered with time and space a little. I got Barry Blair to leave Warp a couple years early..." Tom gazed at the screen quizzically. He asked the evil one, "Does that have anything to do with anything?" All the while, he attempted to scratch his dome. "Not really," Roberta replied, "But it was my evil deed for the day. In any event... I'll start you out today with the next part of 'Extreme Weirdness.' As you probably know already, it's the sort of story that gives spam a good name." Suddenly, Crow began cackling. "Ooh, I like Spam(TM)!" he declared. "You're the only one around here," Tom replied. Roberta hit the Magic Sending button at that moment. The Palace bridge was thus filled with the usual lights and sounds. Stoic as usual (so to speak), Mike said, "Oh, we got original story sign!" -- Door 8: The Tunnel of Golden Light! Major flashback... Door 7: A brown stone wall that dissolves as it is approached. Door 6: Imitation rain falls as they go toward a black portal. Door 5: Above an ordinary wooden door is a four-fingered hand made of stone... Door 4: A curtain of beads. A vague elven figure can be seen behind it. Door 3: A sealed door of gray stone. They climb through a tiny hole several feet above it. Door 2: A metal door that operates with a crank. It opens toward them. Door 1: A massive mouth filled with white teeth. -- (All three take seats in the front row.) >Chapter One >Try to Keep Up with All the Characters! > >Norm woke up from a terrible dream. TOM: In the stillness of your memory... >In his dream - or was it a vision? - he was told by an unseen voice >that the local fortress of Vinei would be destroyed by noon and that >the entire North of Ganvaus would follow - if he didn't intervene. >That was all. MIKE: [mechanical voice] Please press the pound key to advance to the next message. > >But as Norm woke up in fear, his grandfather (Norm thought he was his >father) Darryl entered their small house of brick on the shining >plains outside Vinei. Darryl looked old, and he was. His few strands >of white hair didn't hide his wrinkled, tired face. Darryl's clothes >had been worn down by overusage. Norm had heard that Darryl was >involved heavily in a couple wars against a race of weird aliens CROW: [importantly] They wear yellow clothes with black leopard-spots, and have two horns on their heads. The babes among them can speak Japanese. >called the Sunalans, which had aged him prematurely. Now Darryl was >about 80, and he still took an active role in local affairs. > >"I have something to tell you," he mumbled to Norm. > >Still in bed, Norm replied, "I do too. Who should talk first?" TOM: Someone forgot to roll for initiative. > >Darryl wittily said, "How about we flip a pith helmet?" > >Norm just had to ask, "What's that?" > >"I don't have one, but I do have this GLASS SOMBRERO!" CROW: [bad Spanish accent] I think I need a bigger hat. >Darryl tossed the hat of glass into the air. Unfortunately, his >unwieldy projectile bumped the ceiling and crashed to the floor in >pieces on the meager carpet. > >Norm happily said, "Hey! That piece is side up! And that one too - >I think." > >"But you didn't say which side you wanted!" > >"Darn. Now I'll probably be stuck with cleaning it up," Norm grumbled. TOM: If *someone* hadn't done the Stan Freberg sketch last time... >"I'll talk first," getting back to the point, Darryl said, "The >governor told me to go across the bay to Mt. Widare out east and >guard a bunch of magic crystals. Speaking of magic, have I told you >I was the one who reformed the industry? Of course, Sara should get >some credit..." > >"Yes," Norm yawned to make his point. MIKE: What? Is Norm allergic to magic? >Grandfather was incessantly digressing on such pointless subjects as >his long-dead wife. "But I was told in a dream to go to Vinei before >noon and warn them or it will go KABOOM!!" CROW: His next stop will be Tosche Station. > >"Who will destroy it?" > >"That's a goooood question! "And what are you to guard the crystals >from? There's something weird going on and we don't know it!" > >"You go ask the governor. Maybe I'll find someone over near Widare." >Darryl absent-mindedly walked out of the cottage and towards Widare. > >Norm sighed. It was almost 9:30. MIKE: Girls will be coming to the canyon. >There wouldn't be much more time to waste. He quickly combed his >messy brown hair and put on some cheap pants, a heavy shirt from >prehysterical TOM: [looking around] Pogo? >times, two sloppy brown boots, and left home with the sombrero still >shattered. The walk to Vinei was short and uneventful. All Norm saw >was just mundane fields of corn or wheat or one of those crops. But >he missed seeing the dark clouds of impending doom come swooping >in from the north. The birds were quiet and now flew south even >though summer had just begun. He missed a lot in many senses, as you >will see. > >It was a relatively normal day in Vinei until Norm showed up. The >gate to the city was a huge iron contraption with a very bored guard >wearing a hot-looking uniform. CROW: [sarcastic] With that sort of syntax, you can make five entirely different sentences out of one! >Norm cautiously approached the guard and announced, "This fortress >will be destroyed before noon if I can't talk to the governor." > >"Sure, that's what they all say," yawned the guard. > >"I think I'm telling the truth... I saw it in this weird dream..." >Norm stammered. TOM: [whiny] You gotta believe me, man! You just gotta! > >The guard muttered "What the Huck," or something like that, stepped >aside, and pressed a circular button on the wall, which triggered >the sound of a door slamming. All at once, the weighty gate was >lifted up ten feet. Norm quietly entered, and the gate slammed behind >him. But then Norm realized something he had meant to tell the guard, >"Shoot! I forgot to mention... Hey! I didn't forget anything!" > >The city of Vinei was ablaze with life. Yelling, singing, trading, >teaching, burping, MIKE: They're experiencing another baby boom. CROW: Either that, or a Budweiser commercial is happening. >running, and many other activities turned the whole scope into a >blur. Norm wondered if this really was the end, how could this all be >destroyed? > >After one or two minutes of walking through the crowded city, Norm >approached the ordinary black wooden door to the huge, impending >fortress with its vulgar neon hues for paint. TOM: Man! The descriptions just keep upstaging the story, time and again! >This door wasn't locked, and Norm trotted on in. The interior was >nearly silent but for a few muffled voices in the distance. But from >out of nowhere (actually, the sound system on Pabdi) came the >obnoxious blast of "Hero" from Phil Collins. (Tom faints.) CROW: No! Spare us! MIKE: When did this become an Eyrie Studios production? >[Yes, you should catch the hint!!] It engulfed the huge, "ultra- >acoustic" space that Norm was now dashing through - he hated this >song! After smashing into a few very solid columns, he made a mad >dash for the iron staircase. You see, Norm had read the script and >knew that the governor's office was upstairs. > >After tackling 74 flights of stairs, anyone would be tired. So was >Norm. He looked over the chamber for his "help," but no one was >there! > >After an exasperating 37 flights of stairs, MIKE & CROW: Huh? >Norm was about ready to keel over. But the diminuitive office was >right in front of him! Norm just had to reach the doorknob... > >"WAAAAAAAA'SUP!!!" As Norm fell to the cold floor in shock, a haggard >old man emerged from the office. "Kick it, home boy!!!!" yelled the >ancient governor. CROW: [eerie] There was a ship... > >Norm lay on the floor moaning. > >"What the hyuck are you here for?" the governor asked Norm. > >The dizzy Norm slowly got up. "Well, I had this dream," he said. > >"I did too - then I woke up! Then BDC (Tom gets back into his seat.) TOM: British Department of Communications? >called me and told me to let you in." > >"Who's BDC?" Norm had no idea what was going on. > >"That's the code name of one of our guards. And gee whiz gosh golly >g'darn it, he's NEVER told us his name!" > >Norm interrupted, "Well, in this dream, Vinei fortress was destroyed, >and someone said the entire North would follow (if I didn't tell >you," But he wondered if this was all a mistake. > >"So who the heyooooook destroyed us?" MIKE: [bitterly] Some people can actually pull off this sort of humor. > >"That's a good question!" > >"Let's see if I can find a good answer!" > >The ruffled old man flipped through molding files of people, places, >and things. Nah, he thought, Lou Kalamazooo won't be released for >seven years... the Yatovikan empire along with their friends the >Wayanguans have been gone for exactly fifteen years... Cephas Stone - >who the hiccup is that?... definitely not Widare, Raoleu, CROW: [cheery] Try our new, improved Raoleu spaghetti sauce! >or Aposa, I hope not Mijan, Mebruthan, or Guangua... > >"I don't got no single clue!" the governor exclaimed, "But to be >safe, I'll put you and a few good guards MIKE: The Wolfriders? TOM: The Kids Crew? CROW: The Fantastic Four? MIKE: The Knights of the Dinner Table? TOM: The Seven Seals? CROW: The Ruin Explorers? >outside. Warn me if anything happens." > >"No problem!" But Norm did have a problem - it looked like he was >being put in a "dummy" position. Oh, well. > >The governor giggled as Norm plodded downstairs. Little did Norm >know that he was being given the most pathetic guards in the entire >country! > >Suddenly, three guards came in from a back door dancing in a line, >singing, "I Dream of Cobrats." TOM: For those of you playing along at home, if you can piece together the plot... you're doing pretty damn well! MIKE: Uh... Tom? Just calm down. > >(The Jane Addams Choral version of "You've Got A Friend" came on, >which is much better than the original.) > >"Hailoooh!" A young man of Oriental origin (which terribly mismatched >armor and an authentic pith helmet) CROW: Captain Spaulding does Taiwan! MIKE: Chalk up stereotype number one... >was practically stepping on Norm's feet. "Oah, woat doo wee haaave >heya? I see oonlee ahn eediot!" Returning to a fairly normal voice, >he continued, "Well, anyway my name's Yokutawei, but I'll take just >Yo-K as long as you add medium fries." > >The second dancer stepped out of line TOM: Out of line, private! >and introduced herself to Norm. A shy girl with well-combed blond >hair that fell over her forehead, and thus a small face (with >glasses) said, "I'm Fawn. My name is Latin in origin and means 'small >deer.'" (Yo-K didn't get it.) > >An overweight man with huge, ugly glasses CROW: [rapidly looking left and right] Ramus? MIKE: Third stereotype in as many paragraphs! >waddled out of line and belched. His obscenely chartreuse armor was >upside down and backwards and looked even more ridiculous than >Yo-K's, and definitely unlike Fawn's beautiful, flowered, bare- >shouldered dress. "I'm Bob. I drive a car." > >"That's Coruthan for you," Yo-K smarted. > >"Joe! ...I mean Doh!..." Coruthan muttered. > >A fourth figure stepped in to the room, accompanied by a burst of >light. TOM: [Yo-K] Spotlight hog. MIKE: [Coruthan] Bright and shiny... CROW: [Fawn] What a *man*... >Once Norm could see again, a black-robed, serious male his age >whispered from afar, "I am Dante, an official practitioner for the >Doloquiste and a student of Daniel Lindez." > >"Just say 'wizard,'" Yo-K mimicked in a goofy voice. > >Dante slapped Yo-K so hard that the "upper teen" was twirling in >random circles. "We should be going," he said solemnly. Incredible >as it seemed to Norm, Dante's thin lips barely moved when he spoke. CROW: [sarcastic] Well, *someone* needs to work harder on their dubbing process. MIKE: The best dubbing in the world couldn't save this story. >Of course, with his heavy black hood, Norm could barely see the >man's face. > >"Sorry! The number you have just reached is busy now! Please try >again!" With that said, Yo-K comically fainted. (Fawn picked him up.) > >On the way through the town, Coruthan waved and shouted completely >random words at everyone in sight... and got hit with a few $0.99 >tomatoes as well. TOM: Ha ha. I just love watching terrible stereotypes get inflicted with physical violence. MIKE: [whispering] He's going quickly... >He charged the gate. Unfortunately, it was very solid, and the 280 >lb. Coruthan blasted back five feet. > >"Ouch, man!! OPEN THE ^$%#) DOOR!" shouted Coruthan. TOM: What the ^$%#$`% is with this ~@!>=_\} story? > >Dante pulled out a paddle, and Fawn a watermelon. But instead of >whacking Coruthan with it, she threw it at the gate. "OH NO! I SPENT >$3.50 ON THAT!!" she sarcastically screamed. > >The gate opened on the exact moment that Coruthan got a big >headache. It was 11:55 a.m. when all five of them exited the city. >("Jump" came over the sound system.) MIKE: I can imagine worse. TOM: Yeah. How about "Run"? CROW: Or "Band on the Run"? MIKE: Exactly. Or "Run Like the Wind." TOM: "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"! CROW: "Leaving Las Vegas"! MIKE: "Nowhere to Go." TOM: "Chariots of Fire." CROW: "Running to Stand Still." > >But then "BDC" turned to Norm and said, "I'm going with you! This >place will be gone in four minutes - and I should know!" > >"But how do you know?" responded Norm. > >"I'm with the Doloquiste Spy Division Multiplication, but Never >Subtraction." TOM: What on earth is the Doloquiste? MIKE: I think Dante's supposed to be in it. TOM: So... wizards now hire spies to guard castles? CROW: Then it should read "Doloquiste Scrye Division." > >Just one second here. What the CENSORED is the Doloqoowiwiwistay? >And why aren't you in Addition?" MIKE: Elfquest: The Addition! > >"I'll tell you later!! Start running!" > >Everyone, including Yo-K, started running. After 200 feet of running, >the entire fortress of Vinei was hit by a giant fruitcake. Nothing >was left. > >A spooky voice loomed in from afar, saying "Hey, hey, hey! This >acting is AWFUL! You people should be fired!" TOM: Meanwhile, in a completely different story... > >"Isn't that Joe Boringo?" asked Coruthan, who also had an IQ of >fifteen. > >"No, stupid!... ... ... ... (This could go on for quite a while.) ... >... ... ... What's my name? ... ... ... What!! It IS Joe Boringo! I >hate that big oaf!..." > >"This could go on for a while," commented Fawn. > >"No, it won't," ALL: Hooray! >responded whoever the voice was, "Because 'El Senor Author' has only >UNTIL MAY to write this stupid story. Therefore, it will be condensed >into three planets and only about four Big Secrets. Sorry!" >"Do I still get my big secret?" whined BDC. > >"Well... most of the people out there haven't read the three books >that precede this one. CROW: Oh, they crush my hopes so quickly! TOM: I can't believe anyone would want to make a series out of this. >But it's OK." > >"Actually, I don't think 'El Senor Author' has either," BDC muttered. >But then he said, "Actually, I'm a woman, MIKE: --when splashed with COLD water. He turns back with HOT water, but only until the next time... >in case anyone here is in Trivia 101." > >"So why did 'El Senor Author' put in the pronoun 'he?'" Coruthan >asked. > >"To confuse Coruthan," BDC blurted, "But NO ONE will learns my true >name until the end!" > >Dante pulled a kettle drum out of nowhere and gave the group a very >loud wake up call. "Where to, boss?" he sneered at Norm. TOM: [Dante] You small, loathsome creatures... you make me sick. > >"Well, um, let's see my father in Widare. The ex-governor sent him >there to guard a bunch of crystals." > >"Good idea," said Fawn. > >"Well, soitenly!" chirped Yo-K. TOM: No! Stop it... stop all the impressions... MIKE: Just hold on a couple seconds. We're almost to the end. > >"Do I have to?" Coruthan asked, to no avail. > >"Got any better ideas?" hissed Dante. > >"Righty-O!" quoted BDC. > >"How ya gonna get there? Doyaknow? Doyaknow?" Joe/the producers asked. CROW: [loudly] Joe and the Producers... *live* at Bronson Canyon! > >"We'll go... through that cave!" Norm pointed to the only land route >to Widare. > >And so they skipped on over the opening, and even entered the cave. > > > > TOM: [gasping] It's... over! MIKE: Let's go. (They exit the theater.) -- "Hey Servo," Crow said, looking at the gumball-bot, "Let's decide who gets to talk to Winnowill first." Though Mike was kneeling down beside Tom Servo, checking the bot's circuits, Tom replied, "That sounds like a good plan. How shall we do that?" Looking wide-eyed at the two robots, Mike chided them, "Guys, we mustn't do anything *destructive* to accomplish such a simple task... such as toss a *glass sombrero*." He gasped, and let his mouth hang open. Instantly, Crow gasped in the same manner. "Of course not, Mike! We wouldn't think of that, would we, Tommy boy?" he asked. "No, heaven forbid!" Tom exclaimed, "I'd rather toss something like... oh, I don't know... that fragile, limited edition statue of Cutter?" He attempted to wink at Crow. Crow began to shake rapidly. "C-cause destruction!" he blurted, and ran off the set. "My, my... such naughty robots," Mike said. He looked up at the video screen. There, both villainesses were looking down toward him. "Oh, it's you again," he said. Meanwhile, Roberta was attempting a frown. "We're not done with you yet, Nelson," she said, biting her tongue, "Hey Winnowill... send them the next part, won't you?" the reputed lamer asked. Though Winnowill remained motionless in her chamber, the dark chamber shook slightly... Mike looked back toward the lights over the theater doors. "Oh, we got fanfic sign!" he exclaimed. -- To Be Continued... Soon! -Alan Mirror: Disclaimers: "Elfquest," its characters, etc., are copyright 1978-1999 Warp Graphics. "Mystery Science Theater 3000," its characters, etc., are copyright 1988- 1999 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing was created by Alan (John Alan Riggs) on April 15, 1999.