The Daughters of Strongbow, Part One
A self-MSTing by Alan (John Alan Riggs)

(The scene opens in the "bridge" room of the Satellite of Love.)

GYPSY: Hello, boys!

CROW: Lookin' better than ever, Gypsy! But why are you wearing a hat with long, pointy ears?

GYPSY: Oh, this? Dr. Forrester told me to wear it. He says we're going to be doing a theme over the next few days.

MIKE: Oh, joy. What could it be.

GYPSY: "Elfquest" fanfic and characters.

MIKE: Oh, joy.

SERVO: Sweetness! I get to be Strongbow.

CROW: You are not Strongbow.

SERVO: Oh, yes I am. Just watch this... (Despite the fact that Tom Servo's arms do not work, he makes a motion to indicate that he is holding a longbow.) "I didn't know I could shoot that far!"

CROW: Not even close, gumball boy! Watch the master! (Crow T. Robot gets down on his "knees.") "I command you, Door, open!"

MIKE: Uh, that's quite enough, guys. I'm just going to take Scouter.

GYPSY: How eclectic! I shall take on the persona of Tyleet! (Mike's jaw drops a few feet. Tom Servo starts shaking violently, and his head is smoking. Crow, on the other hand, is merely stunned.)

GYPSY: ...Is that a bad thing?

(No reaction comes from them. After a thirty-second pause, Dr. Forrester's head appears on a video screen before them.)

DR. F.: !Ay caramba! You appear a bit... off balance. And I haven't even started!

MIKE: Laugh all you want, Dr. Forrester, but you can't win. (His voice is slow and nervous.)

DR. F.: Really? Well, Obi-Wan Mike, you'll just love this next one, 'cause it's got-- (The movie sign starts blaring.)

MIKE AND BOTS: Oh, we got movie sign!

CROW: Sorry there, doctor-sir, but we've got our priorities!

SERVO: You got that one, baby! Uh huh...

(Mike and the bots rush through all six doors, and into the movie theater. The fanfic has already started...)


>The Daughters of Strongbow
>Part One: Two Days, Three Nights

CROW: With the fanfic author of your choice!

MIKE: God, not Oscar! Spare us from the hermaphrodite!

SERVO: You keep your preferences to yourself, buddy.

CROW: Well, one thing's for sure. This author can count. > >Warning: Anyone who questions the "accuracy" of this story will
>receive a copy of Dobil's latest book, "How to Get a Life."

MIKE: And that is a bad thing?

SERVO: Well, some of us don't *need* a life. Pass the RAM chips, Crow.

>(A Direct Rip-Off of Elfquest: Hidden Years, "Starrise, Starfall")

SERVO: They got a lot of guts admitting that.

>Puckernuts! he thought. And she didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

CROW: Cryin' in the theater?

MIKE: The award for the most incoherent dialogue goes to... well, we don't know, either!

>The season was a warm and pleasing one. The sky was darkening with
>the presence of evening.

SERVO: Do we really need to know that? What the hell sort of world is this?

MIKE: Yeah, but since so much of "Elfquest" takes place at night, people forget...

SERVO: I guess. "I... must... ignore... reality!"

>The land was at a relative peace.

CROW: Not at all like "A Separate Peace."

MIKE: Separate from this 'fic.

>And Skywise and Foxfur were out on a secret hunt, with their
>respective wolves. One was in a good mood (as always), and the other
>...simply put, was not (again, as always!).

>Meanwhile, the stargazer - aptly named Skywise - had noticed his
>friend and "soul brother"

SERVO: Ya gotta have SOUL!

CROW: Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more!

>Cutter. Being a worthy heir to the title of Blood of Ten Chiefs,
>Cutter was agile and intelligent, and could find Skywise at any
>moment. They struck up a brief conversation, for the hunt was supposed to be "secret."

Foxfur had a different attitude.

MIKE: An attitude of gratitude!

>Her wolf was called Deadfall.

SERVO: (Leia) Luke, don't! It's a trap!

>The old clunker once used to have some semblance of talent

CROW: Don't think so! Jupiter is the most "talented" Sailor!

MIKE: Yeah, she's got a "Talent for Love."

>or even ability, but those days were long gone. And so it was with
>Foxfur: the days of innocence were lost, beyond repair, and she had
>inevitably reached the age of bitterness SERVO: Forty.

MIKE: Uh, Tom, I have a funny feeling that the good doctor might be listening...

>and sarcasm. If only Skywise would open his heavenbound eyes

CROW: Fly Skywise Eyes! Daily to Poughkeepsie!

>toward this obvious, earthly fact. But would that happen? She
>thought not.

>The next thing Skywise knew, Cutter had run off.

SERVO: Damn! He's chasing women already.

CROW: And no one notices Nightfall standing just offstage, displaying *her* ample talents...

MIKE: Crow!

>How lucky I am, Skywise thought. The young male elf brushed his

CROW: Holy...! Now Skywise gets it on with himself!

SERVO: (Skywise) Uh huh. Hey Foxfur, lookie here!

>through his white hair, looking at Foxfur rather deviously.

>She got slightly on edge. "'Delicious prey'?" she asked suspiciously,
>quoting Skywise, and trying to hide her intense suspiciouns.

MIKE: (Foxfur) I just know he's gay.

>"Wait until you see my lure," Skywise muttered, almost to himself.

>Skywise's youthful face contrasted with the evening sky,

SERVO: Yeah? Well, mine wouldn't contrast with the green fields.

>He looked towards a grove amidst these distant fields. "Farther
>from the Holt than we've ever gone," he mused, "but worth the risk,
>eh?" MIKE: Another revelation from our fanfic author! Skywise is Canadian! The full scoop tomorrow...

>Foxfur got a bizarre feeling

CROW: Feelings... wo wo wo...

SERVO: (Foxfur) Skywise! Hands off!

>as she realized that Skywise had duped her. "-Gasp!- A field of
>dreamberries!" she said, trying to distract Skywise. Seeing Skywise's
>relative disinterest, Foxfur took drastic action.

MIKE: Romantic emergency! Looks like Foxfur will have to remove her clothes even *before* she gets into the back seat!

>She dived from Deadfall into the patch, hoping that it wasn't
>strangeweed. The wolf simply stood there, looking stupid.

MIKE: I get the feeling that the author doesn't like wolves.

SERVO: Or Skywise.

CROW: Or "Elfquest."

>Skywise, honestly believing that this was the dreamberry catch of
>the season, leaped into the cluster of bushes as well. Unfortunately,
>he happened to collide with his "lovemate" Foxfur...

SERVO: Boot to the head!

CROW: Nice non-sequitur, Tom.

>The next thing Foxfur knew, she had a very bad pain in her head, MIKE: (Foxfur) Bad, bad pain! Shoo before I spank you!

SERVO: Mind if I make another random pop culture reference?

MIKE: Shoot.

SERVO: (Foxfur) Since he put me down, I been all through it in my head... and there's been owls puking in my bed.

>and a very bad feeling in her heart. Oh, NO. That waste-meat son of
>a human Skywise had partially removed her tunic.

CROW: Keep going! Don't let those feminists stop you.

MIKE: I would complain, but it's not worth it.

>Foxfur instinctively tried to crawl out of her situation, despite
>being surrounded by thick branches. She painfully emerged in a
>second, even though Skywise was still in there.

SERVO: Yes! Going for a new record, Skywise is still at it! Not since that Malak and Selah special have we seen anyone get it on with themselves for so long...

>How could he? This was a horrible offense! Choking on something
>in her mouth

CROW: Ooh, kinky!

MIKE: Now you crossed the line. Crow!!

>(probably extra-sour puckernuts), she cried out, "Mmmm... oh... oh,
>lovemate...!" What HAD she just said?

SERVO: Big hint, here, Foxfur... try "a canonical line, out of context."

MIKE: I'm just dying to know just what the author meant by including that line.

>Momentary stupidity, Foxfur figured.

>Searching the area quickly outside the bush, Foxfur spotted
>something. A human - a really, really ugly one at that.

CROW: You know, I want to see a normal-looking human in "Elfquest."

MIKE: Well, there's a few... but most of them are the writers' avatars.

CROW: Damn.

>She would have charged out in a second - but her tunic was stuck on
>something, and Deadfall seemed to be mating with Skywise's wolf.
>How disgusting!

SERVO: I can't look!

CROW: And for more amazing sex scenes involving animals, we refer you to "In the Carrot Patch," a godawful fanfic that has been, thankfully, MSTed.

MIKE: It's still for mature readers only, kids!

>In despair, Foxfur Sent

SERVO: Since when did sending gain a status as a proper noun? (His head begins to smoke again.)

CROW: Don't worry about it... I'm sure a lot of other things in this fanfic will also gain that status... heh heh heh!

>to Skywise, **Skywise! There's a human! We'd better run!** No, wait,
>more like you run, and I stick around and kill the idiot, she realized.

>Skywise popped

MIKE: And his guts spilled all over the floor. A pity.

CROW: Another bucket for monsieur?

>out in a moment. The male had his clothes on, of course. He Sent,
>**Wait! Let's take a closer look!** reflecting his "peaceful and
>innocent" facade.

>In the meantime, Foxfur got

SERVO: The runs!

MIKE: A clue?

CROW: The hots...

>her tunic ON. She Sent an alarm to both Skywise and Deadfall,
>**Bearclaw won't like this!** obviously referring to Skywise's criminal act.

CROW: (Foxfur) How dare he not scr--

MIKE: That's it. (He gets out of his seat and puts duck tape over Crow's beak.)

>Without cause, Skywise replied, **Bearclaw thinks we're fishing in
>Goodtree's Glen!**

SERVO: (Skywise) Well, I sure fooled the old badger!


MIKE: Is that a Robert Jordan reference?

>Foxfur, distracted, thought about this for a moment. Just another one
>of Skywise's dumb trivia facts, or what? She looked at the human,
>who was suddenly looking far more attractive than Skywise.

CROW: (Foxfur) Bite me, baby!

MIKE: Hey, how did you get out of that so quickly, Crow?

CROW: I have my ways. Nya ha ha!

>He (it?) seemed to be rubbing a stone... how typical.

SERVO: Well, you don't say!

MIKE: Anyway... I think they've neutered Ehok. Either that, or the author wanted to use gender-neutral pronouns...

SERVO: (Ehok) The sign said, "Humans Fixed." Wonder what that meant?

>Wait a second, the he/it human had something strange-looking and
>somehow familiar around his neck. Foxfur honestly didn't know much
>about elf trivia...

CROW: Except the occasional urban legend.

SERVO: Necklaces are sexy!

>but it looked like some crafter's symbol. Trying to recall
>Longbranch's tales, she finally realized what it was -

MIKE: What it is, man.

>a rather personal symbol to Skywise. She decided, against her
>instinct, to tell him... Sending, **Skywise...! Around his neck...
>...the ornament Eyes High once wore in her hair!**

>Screaming various threats at the human,

CROW: (Skywise) Oh my god! They killed Eyes High! You bastard!

MIKE: That's getting old, Crow.

>Skywise had a less-than-pleasant conversation with the human. Well,
>Foxfur pretty much left him to his own personal matters. All that
>mattered to her right now was

SERVO: Bringing me the head of the fanfic writer.

>that her relationship with Skywise - which had already been unstable
>and lacking trust - was now permanently broken.

MIKE: Yeah, but they'll probably be back together by the end of this.

SERVO: Lost elf, fists, heart of glass, been there, done that.

>She made a vow to herself at this instant - that she and Skywise
>would be mortal enemies from this night on. And Foxfur knew well
>that elves rarely break vows.

CROW: Especially since they never make them.

MIKE: (Cutter) I do take thee, Leetah, in holy Recognized lifemating, to be my...

>Eventually, Skywise got what he had wanted and dashed off on his
>wolf. Foxfur, sensing that this was a most excellent

SERVO: Oh, shit! I'm having a "Bill and Ted" flashback!

MIKE: The feeling is mutual. But we're going to suffer together, right?

>time to leave, left Skywise with one last bitter Sending.
>**Lovemate...?** she mocked, steering Deadfall back toward the

CROW: Is it over yet?

SERVO: Almost. But this was just the introduction...

MIKE: Hey, you stay still for a minute more. Something else is coming...

>--Character Profile 1: Foxfur.--
>Gender: Female. Race: Wolfrider. Age: young adult. Soul name:

SERVO: Oh, man, a fan-made soul name for a character who's going to die... I'm losin' it...

CROW: Yeah, but remember the Pini family's two rules of writing?

MIKE: I do. It's something like, "One, there are no inconsistancies. Two, see rule one."

SERVO: That doesn't help!

MIKE: Well, at least we're close to the end.

>Relatives: father Strongbow, mother Moonshade, brother Dart.

CROW: I feel sick.

MIKE: And I feel sympathy for Dart.

>Love/Lifemate: none. Likes: Solitude, fighting, Sending. Dislikes:
>Stupid, apathetic people.

SERVO: (Foxfur) Hey Stupid! I hate you. Seen any apathetic people? I'm gonna beat the hell out of 'em.

>Other info: Foxfur is a disillusioned Wolfrider. She rides an old
>wolf, and is usually armed with a dagger. Foxfur is considered a
>rebel. Quote: "Skywise, you dortboy!

ALL: "Dortboy"?!?

CROW: With apologies to anyone who goes to Dordt College...

>Get off of me!!"

MIKE: It's "Foxfur Character Profile: Innocence In A Minor."

SERVO: Um, Mike, how many of our readers will get that one?

CROW: Well, I don't care, because it's *over*!

MIKE: And I have to go to the bathroom. (Mike and the bots leave the theater.)


This is my first MSTing. I hope you enjoyed it! For your information, the original fanfic *was* done by me, three years ago. It gets much worse from here. Except for the changes necessary to make it into a text file, nothing in the original fanfic has been altered. Obscure references: 1) "Talent for Love" is the ending theme song of the first season of the "Tenchi Muyo!" OAV series. 2) "Boot to the Head" is a comedy sketch - you can find it on Dr. Demento's 20th anniversary CD. 3) Robert Jordan is a fantasy author. In his "Wheel of Time" series, he makes many mysterious references to something called "easing the badger." 4) The "Lost elf..." statement comes from the title of a website dedicated to the "eternal lost boy" of "Ranma 1/2" fame, Ryoga. 5) Dordt College actually exists. 6) "Innocence In A Minor" is a "Sailor Moon" fanfic by LeVar Bouyer.

Chapter One

(At the SOL's bridge room, Mike and the two bots are standing around and talking. This is the first time that something like this has happened in... quite a while. However, both bots are clad in their "best" Strongbow outfits, while Mike is simply stuck with wearing a t-shirt which has the word "Scout" on it, and "er" added to the end with a cheap marker. Gypsy is at the controls, and is consciously ignoring them.)

SERVO: (Strongbow) So, Chief Mike, why have you called council?

CROW: (Strongbow) I want to go back to the hunt!

MIKE: Jeez, guys... I can understand that you'd want to be in character... but you're going both too far and not doing enough.

CROW: Oh, so we're not good enough for you? You mean to say I made this elaborate costume just so you could make your smart-alecky comments? Hrrrmph!

MIKE: Crow! You're wearing a cheap serape that just happens to be the color of Strongbow's "Book 8" outfit, and your bandanna isn't staying on.

SERVO: Yeah, Crow. My outfit's the best. Not only did I dig up my "Elfquest: Fantasy with Teeth" shirt, I made this longbow myself out of cardboard! If that isn't getting into character, I don't know what is!

(Abruptly, the large monitor hanging on the wall comes on. Dr. Forrester's face fills the entire screen, and he looks deliriously happy.)

DR. F.: Greetings, my victims... er, guests! Looks like you're comfy and all, so I think I'll *ruin* your day once again. Prepare yourselves for the actual "creative" part of "The Daughters of Strongbow"! Nya ha ha hee hee!

CROW: How cliche.

SERVO: Yeah, not all mad scientists have a long, disturbing laugh. You really have to add more variety to your routine, Doc.

DR. F.: I don't like what I'm hearing. Especially not after that "forty" riff. Looks like I might have to lock those theater doors behind you!

MIKE: OK, you're original now, Dr. Forrester, sir!

SERVO: Yes-yes-yes-very-original.

CROW: Truly and mahvelously so. Well, I think it's about time--

(The movie sign comes on.)

CROW: ...for the movie sign.

MIKE: Oh, we got fanfic sign!

SERVO: Fanfic? More like spamfic.

MIKE: I wouldn't stand around gabbing, "Strongbow."

(They rush into the theater, through all six doors. All take their respective seats, as the fanfic resumes.)


>1: Three Parties

CROW: I am there, man.

>The small, young one walked alone in the forest. All about her, the
>world was strangely peaceful. No one else was about.

SERVO: Then the atom bomb dropped and she died. The end.

MIKE: We're feeling dark today already!

CROW: Not only that, the sentence structure is strangely Shatnerish.

>There were no wolves, no humans, no animals, and best of all, no
>other elves. The dagger shifted about her belt. It was only one in
>a long line of well-used blades. Her black hair and brown clothes
>were certainly a giveaway.

SERVO: The ladies of our church are casting off clothing of all kinds!

MIKE: Tom...

>But it was not as if that mattered. She was a warrior, a hunter, one
>who took nothing at face value. Life was all good for oneself, but
>not necessarily for others.

MIKE: This fic has been brought to you by Planned Parenthood.

CROW: Maybe this part will be about the meaning of life!

>The Way was all there was. She was Foxfur, the Wolfrider, and the
>daughter of Strongbow.

>Not far away, a somewhat young Wolfrider male was Sending powerfully.
>He was strong, dangerous, and cold - at such an age.

SERVO: Damn you, Dr. Forrester! That was a good riff!

>But Foxfur was not in *his* sending, by all the High Ones. Instead,
>Strongbow's opponent was his chief, Bearclaw.

>**Bearclaw, how could you?? Your cub may be growing, but he can't
>be risked on some childish escapade! And you tell me this escaped
>you?** Strongbow's Sending was harsh - worse than usual.

> **No, Strongbow, why are you accusing me?

CROW: (Bearclaw) I mean, come on! I've been teaching in the temple all this time, and all you had to do was--

MIKE: Crow!

>Cutter merely found a good fishing pond well within the Holt.
>Besides, he was with Skywise, and ... ...what's her name again?**

SERVO: Oh, crap. Bearclaw can't even remember his own tribe members' names. This one just went to eleven... (His head begins smoking.)

CROW: It's midnight. Do you know where your members are?

MIKE: (Bearclaw) I hate the Now! It makes me keep forgetting all the stuff I need to know, and remembering all the crappy stuff like "Help Me Rhonda."

>Strongbow was angrier than ever. It wasn't his daughter that had
>caused the problem, though. He could out-Send Bearclaw even when
>completely drunk (almost never). And he couldn't take this

>--Character Profile 2: Strongbow--
>Gender: Male. Race: Wolfrider. Age: adult. Soul name: Rael.

SERVO: Wow! Another break with "Elfquest" continuity. Is anyone keeping track of the mistakes here?

MIKE: I'm not gonna bother.

>Relatives: cub Foxfur, cub Dart. Love/Lifemate: Moonshade. Likes:
>Wolves, hunting, Sending, action, independence. Dislikes: Slowness,
>conversation, evil. Other info: Strongbow is one of Bearclaw's best
>hunters. He is very receptive to magic and Sending,

CROW: And they called him "Satellitebow."

>and detects the presence of an evil first. However, he fails to
>acknowledge it for what it is, and thus falls tragically. Quote:
>"I'm not talking because I like to sound like you..."

MIKE: Another example of "stealing from the original." I'm really beginning to enjoy the "originality" of this fanfic...

SERVO: (Han Solo) Luke? Luke's crazy. Can't even handle an academy of Jedi Knights, two or three would-be girlfriends, or staying on our side, much less saving the galaxy in every book.

>Further away than any Wolfrider knew, another small group of elf
>warriors were in trouble. They had lost the battle, been captured,
>and their fate had already been decided. Their names were Dobil,
>Sezen, and Marcis. These young "Go-Back"

CROW: (Raye) Go... go home!

MIKE: Well, how much "Sailor Moon" do you watch?

>elves would be taken by troll guards to some tunnel far away. It
>was part of an ongoing northern troll project to create tunnels in
>new directions. This one lead far into the south, where it seemed
>that there were no other trolls. So far, no puny little elfling had
>come back, so it much be pretty good place to kill them by surprise -
>or so the trolls thought.

SERVO: Yeah, uh huh. "Project"? More like obvious plot setup.

CROW: I agree. That's bullshit - of course there's trolls in the south at this point! Do the northern trolls have amnesia?

MIKE: Anyway... let's take a break before the next chapter.

SERVO: Damn good idea. My circuits were starting to go.

CROW: Seven more parts...


Brief Notes Section: Thanks to everyone who's given me their comments and criticism. I appreciate all feedback! One person asked that I give a warning about the language and innuendo at the beginning. I considered this, but then I read these words from Stefan Gagne's "Ranma 1/2" fanfic "The Ends":

I'm not going to put a 'Disclaimer' in front of any more stories warning people that they might be upsetting, or strange, or otherwise naughty; these are my words and I'll stand by them rather than playfully decry them to cover my ass. A trend I'd love to see in other authors, including Lemon authors. Be proud of your work. (Source:

It's not that I'm *against* ratings or warnings, it's just that they tend to become superfluous, and sometimes even advertisements. Well, thanks for reading.

Chapter 2

(The scene opens on Tom Servo's room, which is cluttered with various
and sundry objects. From wall to wall, the bot's posessions cover the
floor. His walls are disguised by a massive array of posters. In fact,
the gumball-headed robot has just tacked a "Mark McGuire - 62"
limited-edition on top of his centerfold of Tifa Lockheart.)

SERVO: Dum de dum... dum de dum... Now, where did I put it?

(Mike enters the room, followed by Crow. The ex-temp gives Tom Servo
a scrutinizing look, for he has never seen the bot looking through
his piles of stuff so frantically.)

MIKE: What? What are you looking for?
CROW: If I know him, it's probably a "No Smoking" sign to put on his
SERVO: Well, aren't we suspicious! No, I'm looking for that... that
thing that controls my sarcasm sequencer.
MIKE: Oh. You mean this?

(Mike pulls a thick, weighty black book from off of Tom Servo's floor.
He gives the bot a quick, light whack on the head with it.)

SERVO: Geez, Mike, you're a good creator. Hitting me with my own
diary... now I'm going to have to tickle you.
CROW: That does the trick every time.
MIKE: Watch it, Crow. We're just reaching the 1/3 mark of this
fanfic. We don't want any *unnecessary animosity*...
SERVO: Is that so? Looks like I'll have to pull out the big guns.
*Plot Advancement Hologram, activate!*

(In a remarkable imitation of Artoo-Detoo, Tom Servo shoots out a
beam of light from his midsection. But the person who shows up on
the floor - the one clear spot on the floor - is Dr. Forrester. The
green, bespectacled doctor rubs his hands together evilly, and
looks at the trio with an insanely wide grin on his face.)

DR. F.: Here from Deep 13, at your service, the great Doctor Clayton
Forrester! Now what can I do for you gentlemen and gentlebots?
MIKE: Get us the hell out of here.
SERVO: Pay for my poster glue.
CROW: Bite me.
DR. F.: Oh, so sorry... I can't grant any of those wishes! However,
I could send you more of "The Daughters of Strongbow"...
SERVO: Huh. I guess that it's an OK fanfic - if you ignore the loose
plot pieces, the never-in-character acting, and the dumb jokes...
CROW: Are you talking about us, *buddy*?
SERVO: No-no-no! Ha ha ha...

(From offstage, the fanfic sign screams.)

DR. F.: And just think, it's only starting to--

(He is cut off when Mike turns off the Plot Advancement Hologram.)

MIKE: Oh, we got fanfic sign!
CROW: All for one, and all for riffs.

(They rush into the theater, and take their seats. The fanfic starts
a moment later.)

>2: Meetings
CROW: Cool! Maybe it's got a little "meet cute."
MIKE: Yeah, you wish.
SERVO: Hey, I do!

>"Marcis... ugh... I knew this was just wrong..." Sezen groaned,
>tired and frustrated.
>"Don't tell me, Sezen son of Orash the Hero! Tell the blinkin'
SERVO: Why would the trolls blink? They're underground.
CROW: Looks like someone got censored!

>Marcis, the eternal rival of Sezen, never held back a comment. Who
>knew? It could be a brilliant statement that would be remembered
>for generations.
>The flabby, massive troll Dirtclod paid the captives no heed. He
>was getting paid good money for this,
CROW: (Dirtclod) They gotta pay me to date them damn elves!
MIKE: Crow...

>and did not care what the stupid little elves said in the least.
>"Dobil, my good cousin," coughed Sezen,
SERVO: Coughing up the last of his lunch all over the carpet...

>"I heard these *things* are taking us to some bad place... too bad,
>they say, even for *jerk* trolls."
>"Oh, shut off.
MIKE: Sweetness! Dobil is British.
CROW: (Dobil) Lovemate, I'd care for a spot of tea.

>Let Dirtclod here do his dirty work, and just be quiet, Sezen,"
>complained Dobil. He was generally the last one to complain, but
>this was different. This time, a fat, incompetent troll was kicking
>him around. All three of the Go-Backs had a deep, brooding hate for
>Marcis saw the tunnel from the main chamber first. "Dirtclod... this
>is it, yes?" He wondered if this wasn't the "death chamber,"
CROW: Because Dobil and Sezen had just lost their heads due to the
gigantic axe...
MIKE: The fic turns dark, you turn dark. What's the connection here?

>because some mild light was not far from where they were. Still, it
>was probably a good place to escape... "I think old Guttle-butt
>said it looked just like this..."
SERVO: (Marcis) Yes sir, troll-god, sir! I got the scuttlebutt from

>The troll guard realized - he had forgotten which stupid tunnel to
>toss them into. On the other hand, what did it matter? These wimpy
>elflings wouldn't be back anytime soon. He could just say he 'put
>them away...' "Uhp, yea. Don't come back," Dirtclod grunted as one
>squeezed past him.
>Unharmed by the foolish troll, the young elves ran down the black
>corridor towards the light.
CROW: Suggestive imagery!
MIKE: Thank you, Freud.
SERVO: And all this time I thought the trolls of the north were
intelligent. I mean, they figured out how to put Osek to good use...
MIKE: Continuity? Who needs it when you're writing *fanfic*?

>--Character Profile 3: Marcis--
>Gender: Male. Race: Go-Back. Age: young adult. Soul name: none.
>Relatives: none of note. Love/Lifemate: none. Likes: Humor, attitude,
>combat. Dislikes: Sezen (humorously).
SERVO: Character profile of Tom Servo... Dislikes: Fanfic (badly).
CROW: How did you do that?

>Other info: None. Quote: "I still think you're a dip!"
>--Character Profile 4: Sezen--
>Gender: Male. Race: Go-Back.
CROW: Ad nauseam. I think I'll be going back now...
MIKE: Don't think so, Goldenrod. We're in this together.
CROW: But Kahvi and Tyldak-
SERVO: Yeah, they went back and got stuck in a Preserver cocoon. Been
there, done that.

>Age: young adult. Soul name: none. Relatives: father Orash (dead).
>Love/Lifemates: Jieta. Likes: Honor, adventure. Dislikes: Danger,
>manipulation. Other info: Sezen is smarter than he looks, and
>manages to keep secrets well. Quote: "...for the sake of revenge!"
>...How did they know each other's soul names?
>Bearclaw and Strongbow hated each other, and yet got along. It was
>a bizarre relationship.
CROW: What with one being gay and the other-
MIKE: Crow!
SERVO: Don't mind him. Crow's been reading too many Chris Davies

>and not even the ancient storyteller Longreach could remember
>anything like it. Both male elves were close to the wolves...
>independent, violent, and amazingly loyal. They knew the "fun and
>excitement" of Recognition, and now Strongbow had just had his
>second cub.
MIKE: Say it's Crescent... say it's Crescent...
SERVO: You're obsessed, aren't you?
MIKE: Hardly! It's just that having Crescent in this would help the
title make sense.
SERVO: Yeah, but it doesn't fit the timeline. The cub has to be Dart.
CROW: Who's obsessed?

>If the line of chiefs was not strictly by blood, then Bearclaw and
>Strongbow would have nearly killed each other for the honor of
>But how did they know each other's soul names?
CROW: Well, that's what we're asking you, Mr. Fanfic Author!

>The Blood of Nine Chiefs and his most ferocious hunter constantly
>faced off in Sending matches. Whatever they argued about, it would
>thus be confidential. But today, Strongbow was strangely open. His
>anger... blood lust?... hit anyone who happened to be nearby.
SERVO: (Random elf) Oww! Damn blood lust!
MIKE: Then Strongbow started hitting elves with the grapes of wrath...
and the bloodsucking cabbages of death...
SERVO: You just reached your Dave Barry reference quota.

>It terrified even the mature ones. Perhaps things would have been
>best if they had not known each other's soul names.
>Strongbow lashed out, **Renn,
CROW: Stimpy! You eeeediot!
SERVO: Hey, the author used a canonical soul name. First time!

>you have fooled the tribe! Your cub, Cutter is in no position to be
>Blood of Ten Chiefs! Do not try to fool yourself, 'Bearclaw'! What
>would you do if I suddenly did something against your will, Renn?!**
>Neither could the good chief contain his emotions, Sending, **Wrong
>again, Strongbow... Rael. What do you know of the honor, the power,
>the sacrifice? I am chief until death, and I declare that for as
>long as I live, YOU shall never be chief of the Wolfriders, Rael!**
MIKE: But if YOU can't, maybe NOW can.
MIKE: This is starting to get silly...

>Bearclaw then left. He felt a sense of triumph, but it was shallow
>and pitiful. Something was eating away at his favorite hunter...
>something out there.
SERVO: It's a vampire! Maybe this is all an Anne Rice crossover.
MIKE: (singing) Somewhere out there...
CROW: Maybe the Wolfrider tribe is a haven for cannibalism.

>--Character Profile 5: Bearclaw, Blood of Nine Chiefs.--
>Gender: Male. Race: Wolfrider. Age: adult. Soul name: Renn.
>Relatives: cub Cutter. Love/Lifmate: Joyleaf. Likes: Wolves, battle,
>dreamberries, his tribe, his family. Dislikes: Rebellion. Other
>info: Bearclaw, despite minor flaws, is a good leader. Quote:
CROW: Stupid! You're so stupid!
SERVO: Bearclaw having "minor flaws" is sort of like saying that
General Patton was slightly egotistical...

>Foxfur was intrigued by this large rock formation. She had never
>seen this, nor heard talk of it. Still, it was something to think
>about. It didn't stare back at her. And the rocks didn't have any
>of those annoying elven abilities.
SERVO: What's going on here? Why do we need to know this? (His head
starts smoking and fizzling.)
CROW: Calm down there, buddy... Foxfur's just taking a little
mental vacation, or something.

>The company of others always bothered Foxfur. The Wolfriders had a
>group personality of sorts - calm and social one moment, impulsive
>and bloodthirsty another moment. But Foxfur was not like all of
>them. She was an individual, she was herself, she was a recluse.
>And she hated Skywise!
MIKE: As does the author.
CROW: And she probably hates "erotic" fics too. She can bite me.
SERVO: (Foxfur) I hate everybody! Including puppy dogs and bubble
MIKE: You're a strange, strange bot.

(Shaking their heads in dismay, all three walk out of the theater.)

Brief Notes: Hope you're enjoying this so far. I've got a number of
positive comments, but I definitely enjoy the ones that critique
my style and point out what's good and bad. I hope my host segments are getting
a little better...

One obscure reference in this one: Chris Davies is one of the
premier authors of anime fan fiction, but his works tend to have a
lot of homosexual relationships - sometimes from seemingly out of

Chapter Three

(The scene opens, as before, in Tom Servo's room. This time,
however, Mike and the bots have cleared out spaces on the floor
for them to sit on. All are wearing *very* serious expressions, and
both Mike and Crow are glaring critically at Tom.)

MIKE: As chief of Satellite Holt, I have called all of you
together for a tribe council. One of the members of our tribe has
defied the Way. What shall we do with him?
SERVO: Like I said before, I'm innocent! I don't have the in-depth
knowledge of "Elfquest" trivia that you do... and... it was only
just one riff.
CROW: "Just one riff," gumball-bot? Don't distract us! Chief Mike,
I remember Tom stating that the northern trolls "figured out how
to put Osek to good use." As your most loyal trivia-hunter, *I*
know that it was Mekda who they used as their "Sack 'o' Bones."

(Tom Servo's head begins to smoke as he speaks.)

SERVO: Well... the northern trolls did use Osek for some time,
that is, until the southern ones rebelled against their rule, and
the elf escaped...
MIKE: That is true, Tom.
CROW: But it's hardly an excuse. You should have apologized for
your mistake while we were still in the Now of MSTing!
SERVO: Yeah, but why didn't you correct me?

(All is silent for several seconds. Then, from the SOL bridge, the
voice of Dr. Forrester is heard.)

DR. F.: Enough with your frontier justice! You've got a fanfic to
do, go at it! I *will* break your spirits with this one.

(Mike tries to talk back to the distant voice by yelling.)

MIKE: Hey Doctor - you're gonna hafta try again! This one may be
silly, but it's nothing compared to Oscar.
DR. F.: Oh, really, Nelson? I may be tempted to send the little
hermaphrodite your way to see what he thinks of that jab.

(Just then, the fanfic sign goes off.)

MIKE & BOTS: Oh, we got fanfic sign!

(Tossing aside their trivia argument, Mike and the bots enter the
theater, and sit down. The fanfic starts a moment later.)

>3: Foxfur's Plan
>The three little Go-Backs found
CROW: The wolf waiting, and hungry.
SERVO: Nice. I give it a seven out of ten.

>themselves in a new world. All traces of cold, snow, and danger were
>gone. About them were incredibly tall green structures and a soft
>wind that didn't even penetrate their heavy coats. And all three
>were stunned upon seeing a young female girl
MIKE: A *female girl*?
CROW: (John Wayne) Should her perfidy not be less than other women?

>not far away, dressed in dance clothes. She noticed them as well.
>"I told you this was a bad tunnel, Marcis," muttered Sezen, who
>was uncomfortably warm for once.
>His friend replied, "No, you didn't! Shut up, and let me do the
SERVO: Save the talk for later, Marcis, 'cause Sezen has just
discovered girls.
MIKE: And female girls, at that!

>Foxfur's thoughts had been interrupted. This was a crime punishable
>by death - or worse.
MIKE: ...Being the lab rat of Dr. Forrester, having to keep Crow
from overdoing the sexual references...
CROW: Mike!
SERVO: Too easy, all too easy.

>And just who were these twits? It looked to her like overdressed
>elves. They were too small to be human, and spoke in an
>unfamiliar accent. The three were obviously males, because they
>were staring at her. Foxfur Sent, **What's going on here? There
is nothing wrong with me!**
>One of them removed his fur cap. He was average in looks -
>yellow-pale skin, dark-haired, almost too average. **My name...
>Dobil...** he crudely Sent, **We show no sword... ...weapon.**
CROW: How dare they laugh at my mighty sword?
SERVO: And while we're laughing, can anyone figure out why the
narration jumped from the Go-Backs to Foxfur?

>Show no weapon? A peace gesture, Foxfur thought. Skywise might
>actually understand this. Maybe not. The inept oaf of a Wolfrider
>probably couldn't even decipher Woodlock's Sendings.
MIKE: Oh, there you go again, Foxfur, ripping on Woodlock. You're
just a mean, bad bully!

>**Dobil and you other two,** she focus-Sent to them, **I don't know
>why you're here, but... maybe I can use you three. You see, there's
>something that I've been wanting to do for the longest time... and
>three puppet-like elves might just be the trick...**
CROW: (Foxfur) Evil! I'm so evil! Bwa ha ha!
MIKE: (Go-Back trio) We can't dance, but we're not puppets.

>Dobil, Marcis, and Sezen gathered to talk to each other. Foxfur's
>Sending was strong compared to their own abilities. They couldn't
>deal with all these images and concepts,
SERVO: (Go-Backs) GIFs... JPEGs... we can't take it!
CROW: "Joining"? "With me"? Duh, I don't get it...

>so they got her to go away for a second so that they could hold
>a little conference.
>"Ouch, man, that just chomps. I don't like this, you know!" Marcis
>was known for his honesty, and despite his sarcasm, he knew how
>to say things well.
SERVO: *How* is that saying things well?? What the hell does "chomps"
mean? I can't take this much longer...

(Mike hands Tom Servo a RAM chip.)

MIKE: Take two and call me after the fanfic.

>Sezen retorted, "Well, cousin, I think it's about time you learned
>to *shut up*. Didn't you catch that part about puppets? *She* is
>manipulating us. Come on, Marcis! Fight the power!"
>Dobil tried to not add too much. What did he know, and what did
>it matter to them? But he did bother to say, "How about we settle
>down and find out who this Skywise is?"
>"Dobil, you fool. Learn from the trolls," grimaced Sezen, "and
>take advantage of the situation. Maybe we can just get away...
>get back home."
SERVO: Now Sezen is grimacing his words... damn. Thanks, Mike, I
needed that.
CROW: Everyone wants to get away, play play play...
MIKE: *Crow*?! The golden bot making a Victoria Williams reference?
I wish I could have some RAM chips.

>Marcis commented, "For once I agree with the kid."
>Suddenly, Foxfur looked at them harshly. These elves would
>actually be useful to the whole tribe, if only they would agree
>with her. **Come on now, pucker-heads. Can't you feel it? There
>is a big evil here, worse than just stupid old trolls. And I want
>to do something about it! So come or go.**
CROW: Pucker-heads... the unsuccessful prototype candy from the
Ferrara-Pan Company.
SERVO: Way back when, I think something was mentioned about an evil
coming, but I don't remember anything else about it.
CROW: I don't think the author even bothered to describe it.

>They definitely came.
>--Character Profile 6: Dobil--
>Gender: Male. Race: Go-Back. Age: young adult. Soul name: none.
>Relatives: Uncle Orash (dead).
MIKE: "Uncle Orash"? And that alone? I thought they all were
CROW: Don't be ridiculous, Mike... that's what will happen in The
ElfQuiz Parody, in a little stab at the comic "Bone."
SERVO: Fanboy!

>Love/Lifemate: none. Likes: Peace, friendship, quiet. Dislikes:
>Go-Backs, stressful situations. Other info: Dobil is, essentially,
>a wimp.
CROW: "Daughters" is, essentially, sucky.
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: But it's true. As a drama, it's nothing more than pointless
drivel. As a mystery, it doesn't even bother to give the reader
any clues. As a comedy, it's hardly worth laughing at.

>However, he is sometimes impulsive, like most Go-Backs are. He
>is completely unlike Foxfur. Quote: "I don't like this!"
SERVO: That's all... at least we're close to the the halfway
MIKE: And it just keeps getting goofier...

Semi-Obscure Reference: "Oscar" is better known as "Oscar, alias
Artemis' Lover." This alleged 14-year old boy has written several
fanfics with sexual content. All of them are unapologetically
self-insertion, have "stories" that rub strongly against any sort
of logic, read like hurriedly scrawled notes, and feature at least
one conquest for Oscar. Oh, and he regularly announces himself to be a
hermaphrodite several times per fanfic - for anyone who would
actually care. Needless to say, Oscar's stories are easily MSTed.
Check 'em out, if you're daring, at
in the "Usual Suspects" section.

Chapter Four

(The scene opens just outside the theater doors. Mike, Tom Servo, and
Crow are together in a huddle, having an intense discussion.)

MIKE: This is looking ugly, guys. Forrester is definitely out to
get us this time. But we have ammunition. Crow, Tom - do you have
the weapons ready?
CROW: Yes! I have the full list of Oscarisms memorized and ready to
recite back at the hermaphrodite. Found it at
MIKE: That's the last plug I let you do until next chapter, Goldie.
SERVO: Well, I've compiled a list of all the inconsistencies and
loose plot ends in Oscar's fanfics. I lost count halfway through
"Diana," and I think my memory had a brief breakdown somewhere in
"Toon Lights," but I've got 'em all.
MIKE: Perfect. So when he comes, you can begin your assault.

(A light suddenly shines on Mike and the bots from the ceiling. They
look up, and see the hideously green visage of Dr. Forrester
looking down on them. The doctor is snickering.)

DR. F.: I know you've all been waiting. Well, I won't keep you in
CROW: Come on, Forrester. If you're going to send us Oscar, do it
now and save us the agony!
DR. F.: Well, I'm very sorry... but I couldn't reach him. There will
be no Oscar to "help" you.

(Mike and the bots continue to look up, all of them silent. Seconds
later, all of them scream in delight.)

SERVO: I feel happy! Happy!
CROW: Oh, thank the maker!
MIKE: Yahoo!
DR. F.: I know you're disappointed. Now get in that theater, and
prepare yourself for the next chapter!

(The fan fiction sign goes off.)

MIKE: Oh, we got fanfic sign... but I just can't help but smile.
SERVO: See you around, doctor.

(They run through the six doors and into the theater. A moment later,
the fanfic begins.)

>4: Breaking the Peace
SERVO: Do I smell something?
CROW: Somebody just broke peace. Heh.

>Strongbow just could not take it. Go ahead, Bearclaw, make anyone
>else chief, including me. But not Cutter. Not after that "little
>oversight." **While you're at it,** Strongbow Sent long distance
MIKE: Doubling his phone bill instantly.
SERVO: God, it costs a lot to make a call from outer space.

>to Bearclaw, **take One-Eye's other eye, send Rain first into
>battle, and ask me to refuse Recognition with Moonshade. You're
>doing a big favor for the Wolfriders, Renn! And I hope you hear my
>But Strongbow's scheme went deeper. He wanted to do something
>criminal, scandalous, horrible! It was almost too good - or evil.
SERVO: Now I want to know where the author got the damn idea that
Strongbow would actually do something evil. He's hardly even been
provoked in this fanfic! I'd expect a little bitterness, but *this*...
MIKE: We feel your pain. Have a RAM chip.

>He knew what they would "say" - The Forbidden Joining!
>Could Strongbow do this?
CROW: If he's a real man, hell, yeah!
MIKE: Crow!

>A Wolfrider lived with his small "family" within the Holt. He had
>been born some time ago under adverse conditions, and carried a lot
>of luck.
SERVO: (Skywise) I lost my lucky ball and chain, now she's six years
CROW: Too easy.

>For his growing talents he was known as Skywise. The young elf was
>the friend of two others: Cutter and Foxfur. One of them was about
>to betray that friendship... and it wouldn't be Cutter.
>At that moment, Cutter and Skywise were telling "bedtime" stories
>to spook each other. Both knew many, most about themselves, though
>none of the stories were true.
>"Good one, Cutter! The troll said, 'Doh!'
SERVO: The bot said, "Dumb!"
MIKE: The human said, "Duh."

>I couldn't have predicted that one," laughed Skywise, being honest.
>His soul brother commented, "And did I tell you what Foxy

(Tom Servo's head begins smoking heavily.)

CROW: Tom, settle down...
SERVO: *Nicknames*?!

>did last moon? I still can't believe it to this night? This is..."
>Suddenly, Cutter's father entered the tree home. Bearclaw, dressed
>in his usual garb, was strangely silent. Mumbling something behind
>his beard,
SERVO: Acting!
MIKE: Glad to see that you're feeling better.

>the chief went to his resting place. Joyleaf went to him, signaling
>to the cubs to leave them alone...
>Dirtclod was thrown before the throne. At least twenty other
>heavily armed troll guards and King Guttlekraw were staring at him.
>There was dead silence - no words could escape Dirclod's mouth. He
>had failed the trolls, and they all knew it.
>"Now, my warriors," chuckled the immense, dark Guttlekraw, "you will
>take this oaf of a troll to his death.
MIKE: Another day, another stock character.

>And once that is done, find the elves and make sure they are dead."
>Dirtclod was never heard from again. The troll king would have
>thanked the one who caught the incompetent guard, but Two-Edge
>was never around when one needed him. There was some purpose to the
>secretive one's games, but Guttlekraw could only guess at this one.
>It didn't matter, because his troll guards knew where to go - an
>unknown tunnel that lead to some remote place in the south. The
>Go-Backs were probably dead anyway.
SERVO: Well, that was several pieces of the plot from Books Two
through Four reprised... and badly. I feel sick.
MIKE: Hang on Servo - there's not much more left to go.

>To the surprise of the Go-Back elves, Foxfur was very agile about
>the forest. The Wolfrider *knew* the Holt.
CROW: In what sense? Nudge nudge!

>She was the recluse, the mercenary, the athlete of these southern
>elves. Dobil was the first to follow Foxfur, though he couldn't
>match her pace. He had sensed something different about the girl,
MIKE: Uh-huh. She's a female girl.
CROW: Are you gonna keep going with that joke?
MIKE: As long as you keep up your innuendo!

>after all, he was rather different himself. And though Dobil did
>not know her name, he almost thought that he could find another
>type of name inside. But what was this? And why couldn't he find
>Sezen, cousin of Dobil, still did not like this. It was almost if
>elves and trolls were becoming one.
SERVO: OK... we just went from "absurd" to "sublime." If anyone
can figure what the hell that means, I'll give 'em ten RAM chips.

>But why was everyone quiet? What was the big secret? And why were
>they now after a "Sky-wise," and not this Evil? "Hey, girl, who's
>this Skywise? I know there's something up, and I'm not afraid to
>admit it!" Sezen noticed that Foxfur was glaring at him
MIKE: (Homer Simpson) Urge to kill... rising...
CROW: (Foxfur) You're not the "tame, gentle cub" I heard about.

>"No," she said after a pause, "Skywise just happens to be a big
>jerk. He thinks he's my lovemate - or worse. (Only when drunk, she
SERVO: *When* does Skywise get drunk?
MIKE: Dunno. Apparently, this author has Skywise confused with
CROW: Or Misato from "Neon Genesis Evangelion." What a babe...

>We're gonna pull the prank of a lifetime on him, then go after
>something more serious."
>Meanwhile, Marcis was disillusioned. This was no dancer after all!
>Instead, this female belonged to no one, which was obvious from
>how she acted. He had an attitude about these things.
MIKE: An attitude of gratitude!
SERVO: We've got four more chapters to go with this part, and
already the continuity of "Elfquest" has been shot through the
roof. Anyone ready to leave?

(They leave the theater without any complaints.)

If you're wondering, the "I lost my lucky ball and chain" riff
comes from They Might Be Giants' "Lucky Ball and Chain," from the
"Flood" CD.

Oh, and did I mention that I just became a "Pokemon" addict?

Chapter Five

(The scene opens on the Satellite's bridge. Only Mike is in sight,
and he is wearing a suit coat, a plaid tie, black pants, and white
tennis shoes. His voice is straining, so as to sound important.)

MIKE: We, the MSTing Department of the Satellite of Love, are pleased
to present the comments and criticism of our esteemed peers.

(Crow enters, clad in a small grey suit coat. He also sounds more

CROW: Indeed. Our first comment comes from The Silicon Phoenix, who

>An excellent MSTing . . . !  *much applause*  My fellow Idaho
>MSTies/Questers/OWLs and I enjoyed it very much!

(Tom Servo enters the scene, but without any formal wear. He still
tries to make his voice sound snobbish.)

SERVO: Thank you, Phoenix, for the briefness of your thoughts. The
next esteemed comment comes from Skyfire, who said...

>...I love it.  I've seen a total one one MST3K...and bits of a few
>more, but, even better : I don't need to!  It's making great sense!
>...just one thing.  If you want to be REAL need dumber
>jokes .
>Keep it up!
>You have the rare honor of being one of the few fanfics I am actually
>reading, instead of stuffing in another folder and 'intending to

MIKE: How intriguing, they ask that we put our riffs on a lower
CROW: Oh, that's curious, all right. (Crow reverts to his normal
voice.) I gotta get out of this coat before it kills me!
SERVO: The next entry comes from Seeker. This person's thoughts are
a bit too lengthy, but here's a few of them...

>That was great!!!
>I was actually glad I read it off-line, otherwise I would have
>startled the others in the public PC-rooms with my laughing so many
>times, the nice men with white clothes and an especially custom-
>tailored coat for me would have brought me back to my comfy room with
>four cushioned walls.

CROW: Indeed. MSTing does tend to cause some individuals to shed their
MIKE: And now we move on to Comuptor, who contributed the following

>This is *wonderful*! Definetly has my vote for most enjoyable fanfic
>of the year so far!
>If you really wrote this, wow, you sucked once.  Good to see someone
>make an enjoyable story out of what could once have brought only

SERVO: Well, "Daughters" is better than a lot of fanfics I can name,
but then again, we're just halfway through the first part...
CROW: And, finally, we have, who said...

>This was really good. Do it again! Do it again!

CROW: So, have we had any criticism?
MIKE: Yes. There was one e-mail from a person who was offended by
the way we made a lot of sexual riffs at the Introduction. So, since
then, I've turned down the bots' Sicko Meters...

(Immediately, Crow throws off his formal coat. The bots both drop
their fake voices.)

CROW: You traitor! You never told us that.
SERVO: Yeah. That's going pretty low, Nelson.
MIKE: (Mike drops his snob accent.) Look... this is for your good and

(Without warning, Dr. Forrester's head suddenly appears in the air.
Clearly, it is a holographic image, but all three MSTers are a bit

DR. F.: Greetings, lab rats! Not feeling too well? Well, I'm sure
it will cheer you up to get right back to the fanfic!
SERVO: Hardly, Doc. Reading this fanfic so much is making me feel
ready for "Robot Monster" again.
CROW: Wimp!

(The fanfic sign goes off, and the image of Dr. Forrester's head

MIKE: Anyway, I think it's time to stop quarreling, because we got
fanfic sign!

(Together, they walk into the theater, and take their seats.)

>5: The Little Things
>When ten trolls emerged from a tunnel into the cool, dark woods, they
>saw no trace of any elves. They had escaped! And to make things
>worse, the trolls knew nothing of the woods...
>Strongbow felt the evil more than ever. It was not only within, but
>he certainly felt something from outside now.
MIKE: What did that sentence accomplish?
SERVO: We've got Strongbow getting funny feelings. How much stranger
can this fanfic get? Call in now with your bets...

>And it was not Bearclaw. Was this a warning not to do this act...
>this "Forbidden Joining" that he was so certain of? No, of course
CROW: (Strongbow) I must obey the voices in my head!

>Strongbow's anger at Bearclaw, kept quiet for so many seasons, now
>would be released in one great burst.
>The red-haired archer was as a starving wolf. What evil pulsed in
>his soul, he could not have known. The Wolfrider hunter was usually
>not this way...
SERVO: Usually?! You better believe it! This fanfic has made him into
some sort of psychotic.

>Such an incident as Cutter going off with a few friends, and
>encountering nothing - that would not usually affect Strongbow. But
>what was "usually"? The Way was all there was.
>Strongbow, whose soul name was Rael, went to the Father Tree, where
>Joyleaf had gone. Her soul name was Anya.
CROW: I won't tell them your... name. I won't tell them your name.
MIKE: We really don't need another fan-made soul name thrown at us.
What we need is coherent narration... and some explanation to tell us
about what's going on here.

>--Character Profile 7: Joyleaf--
>Gender: Female. Race: Wolfrider. Age: adult. Soul name: Anya.
>Relatives: cub Cutter. Love/Lifemate: Bearclaw. Likes: Peace,
>justice, family. Dislikes: Impulsiveness, evil. Other info: Joyleaf
>is the Recognized lifemate of the Blood of Nine Chiefs. She is
>loyal to her tribe and family. And yes, I made up the Forbidden
ALL: Gyaaahh!
MIKE: Please, God... no self-insertion!
CROW: The fourth wall is gone, baby, gone.
SERVO: I don't think I can take much more of this...

>Quote: "Let me tell you cubs a story..."
>Foxfur arrived at the tree that housed Bearclaw's family (and
>friends) not long before that. She knew who was where, and at what
SERVO: Is it just me, or does Foxfur need some major help?
MIKE: It ain't just you.

>It was a gift of powerful Sending, given to her by her father -
>Strongbow. And Foxfur could tell that Bearclaw had just left (he
>felt something funny), Joyleaf had just gone to the Father Tree (Why?
>She didn't know),
CROW: Big hint here, Foxfur. Think "plot convenience."

>and the friends Cutter and Skywise were home alone. She turned to
>Marcis, Sezen, and Dobil, and whispered, "Ready? Do your best, and
>lock-Send on the silver-haired one!"
>Skywise had been peacefully talking to his friend. Chief Bearclaw
>had left, brooding mysteriously.
SERVO: Forget Strongbow... what *has* this fanfic done with
Bearclaw? He's underacting, and acting like a hen on Prozac!

>Something strange was in the air. Even the humans far off could
>tell this. Anyway, little Skywise was paying no attention to the
>world outside. Suddenly, his head was bombarded by four elves lock-
>Sending. He saw ferocious trolls, blood and pain, no, a terrible
>confusion, the whole tribe mocking him!
CROW: (Skywise) What a short, strange trip that was.
MIKE: There's gotta be a connection between fanfics and illegal drugs.
SERVO: It's almost like the fanfic author had experienced it

>"Huh? Skywise? What happened to you? Something's going on here!"
MIKE: (Cutter) It's like we're stuck in a crappy fanfic!

>interrupted the blond-haired (an unusual trait for an elf, from his
>mother Joyleaf) Cutter. The future chief shook his friend's body,
>for Skywise's eyes were spinning rapidly.
>As Skywise recovered from the intense Sending, the only thing the
>two friends heard was stifled laughter. They were down one friend.
CROW: I don't think this author accepts the idea that Skywise and
Cutter are bi.
SERVO: Agreed. But if that was actually included in this fic... it
would've gone straight to eleven!

>--Character Profile 8: Cutter, Blood of Ten Chiefs--
>Gender: Male. Race: Wolfrider. Age: youth. Soul name: Tam.
>Relatives: father Bearclaw, mother Joyleaf, uncle Treestump. Love/
>Lifemates: none yet. Likes: Family, tribe, greatness. Dislikes:
>Heights, evil. Other info: At this point, Cutter is only a child,
>but later on, he will grow up and be the Wolfriders' chief.
MIKE: Damn, this fic doesn't trust its readers! *Anyone* who's ever
read "Elfquest" knows that.
CROW: It could be worse. Just keep telling yourself that.

>Quote: "Follow me, Wolfriders!"
>--Character Profile 9: Skywise--
SERVO: I swear, this fic has more character profiles than "X"... but
at least that overly long "X-Men" fanfic was worse than this.

>Gender: Male. Race: Wolfrider. Age: young adult. Soul name: Fahr.
>Relatives: mother Eyes High (dead), father Shale (dead). Love/
>Lifemates: Foxfur?
CROW: We have... monotony break!

>Likes: Knowledge, females, optimism. Dislikes: Hate, cruelty. Other
>info: Skywise is a bit out of control, having no actual relatives.
MIKE: Huh?! Yeah, they're dead, but Skywise didn't just *exist*!
CROW: You're gonna nitpick too?

>However, he is usuallly portrayed as an insightful young elf who is
>Cutter's best friend. Quote: "F-Foxfur? Is... she all right?"
>At once, the wolves howled with all their might! An enemy was here!
>Not humans - worse! From a patch of rock!
SERVO: Fun with exclamation points!
MIKE: It could be worse - this could be !!!Victor Von Doom!!!

>The Wolfriders all left their resting places. One-Eye, Treestump,
>Moonshade, Redlance, Nightfall, Clearbrook, River, Amber,
SERVO: Don't know the last two very well. I think they were mentioned
in one of the "Blood of Ten Chiefs" prose books.
CROW: I'm just trying to pretend that everything is normal...

>Longreach... nearly all of them, including Bearclaw. Of course,
>certain ones could not go (Scouter, Dewshine, Woodlock, Rainsong),
>and some, such as Joyleaf, were spared the call.
MIKE: Plot convenience number 2.
SERVO: That's bullshit. Joyleaf went with the party on the search for
Madcoil... why would they "spare" her "the call"?

>And Strongbow stayed behind as well. Coincidentally, Foxfur and her
>new friends just happened to stay behind. "Don't bother with the
>trolls," Foxfur told them, though they almost gave in to the hunt.
CROW: (Go-Back) Must... resist... temptation...

>As his fellow elves left, Strongbow forced his way into the Father
>Tree. Joyleaf was still all alone. A dagger was in Strongbow's hand.
MIKE: Sentences reduced to fragments.

>**Greetings,** Rael snarled.
>What followed is an event too dark, too hideous to be described by
>any sane author. Change... Joining... and hideous Sending...
SERVO: Whips and chains...
CROW: God, this author needs help! He changes tense, skips over this
"forbidden joining" that we've been hearing about for the last
twelve chapters, and thinks he's sane!
MIKE: Sane in an insane world? You decide.

>The sudden hunt was a success. These intruders - large, powerful
>trolls - over half were now dead, and the others had retreated far
SERVO: Now *that's* a plot convenience! Who wants to bet that the
rest of the trolls will be back later?
CROW: I'm on.

>And it was assumed that they would not be back. It was too bad that
>Longreach had to die in the battle.
MIKE: And so Lando died, unforgiven...
CROW: Can we say anticlimax, boys and girls?

>He was an old, honored elf, and the Wolfriders did what they could.
>But where had Strongbow been?
MIKE: Somewhere else. Let's get out of here, guys!
SERVO & CROW: Good idea.

(As the fanfic fades from the screen, they leave the theater.)

There were two somewhat obscure references in this one. "Victor Van
Doom" is a fanfic writer, but not a good one. Among other atrocities,
he made a crossover between "Sailor Moon" and "Spider-Man," and yes,
he used !!a lot of misplaced exclamation points!! Also, the "Lando
died, unforgiven" line refers to a group of "Star Wars" fans who
want nothing less than this character dead.

Chapter Six

(On the Satellite of Love's bridge, Mike sits behind a mock desk,
talking into an imaginary microphone. Crow has been placed on his
right, and Tom Servo on his left.)

MIKE: Are you a person who likes the Internet? And are you tired of
idiots and losers flaming you with insensitive and obscene messages?
We have just what you need.
SERVO: We are ICEHOLT: Interested in Chilling Every Hope Out of
Lamer Types. We are on a mission from God. (He puts on some sunglasses.)
CROW: What we're offering you is a *free* software package. It works
with every e-mail program and web browser. With the "Flame Quencher,"
you can retaliate against any flamer!
MIKE: Say that someone sends you a message that you don't like. Within
an instant of receiving the message, our Flame Quencher will send
them *triple* the amount of flames that they sent you! ICEHOLT's
computer-generated messages strike accurately and clearly - guaranteed.
SERVO: Let's say that a certain "doctor" hits you with a message
telling you to get back to a fanfic. Here's the Flame Quencher's

(Crow reads the printed reply.)

CROW: "Why don't you go back to Deep 13 and take an antacid? I've seen
more creative flames generated by a three-year old Mac."
MIKE: ...Well, we didn't say that it was quite finished yet.

(Dr. Forrester's voice comes through their microphones.)

DR. F.: If you're done selling your little products, I think you'll
*enjoy* this episode! It proves once again that every great series
eventually degenerates into total crap.
SERVO: Oh, goody. Don't tell me... we'll have to endure seeing a
joining scene?
DR. F.: Not quite... but there's lots of fun stuff packed in this time!

(The fanfic sign goes off.)

MIKE: Looks like I'll have to get the Flame Quencher upgraded later...
Oh, we got fanfic sign!

(He carries the bots into the theater. After they are seated, the
fanfic begins...)

>6: The "Evil" Draws Near
SERVO: Quotation marks like that mean implied sarcasm.
MIKE: So... I guess we have an "evil" who's "mysteriously" behind the
scenes of this "Elfquest" fic.
SERVO: Uh-huh. You win a "prize."

>The wolves did not stop howling. Even though the trolls had been
>driven off, all the Wolfriders could still sense a great evil about.
>Their Sending began to be fuzzy and clouded, many elves could not
>sleep, and the adults felt a strange temptation to Join.
CROW: Looks like we just skipped over a few more lame joining
scenes. This fic can bite me.
SERVO: Pity that Strongbow's still wasted from his Forbidden little act.

>"OK, already. Tell us your name, and we'll be satisfied. We know you
>know our names," complained Marcis. He was no longer wearing a heavy
>coat, but almost looked like a Wolfrider with a skin around his
MIKE: Marcis forgot his comma!
SERVO: (Marcis) Should I keep my skin? Going around with just my
skeleton would be so much cooler...
CROW: I think we're on the verge of a buffalo shot.
MIKE: And I thought they were slowly going the way of the b--
SERVO: No puns! Bad riff!

>But he would not dispose of his weapon, a copper sword.
>Foxfur sighed deeply. "OK, already.
SERVO: Will they *stop* saying that? It's totally out of place in the
"Elfquest" universe!
CROW: OK, already.
SERVO: Et tu, Robot?
MIKE: Knock it off, guys.

>My name is Foxfur. Don't laugh, it's a trical name. Sheesh.. you three
>think way too much about Joining."
>Dobil replied by Sending openly, **We all are.
MIKE: (Dobil) And I'm strong enough to admit it!

>There is something beyond us at work here. It's that evil force. We
>must fight it!** He was gradually learning,  even if his friends were
>not. With his growing skill, he even sensed a strange act from deep
>within the Holt. It involved a blond female elf.
CROW: And a hell of a lot more, but I'm too sick of this to make
another sex riff.
MIKE: First time for everything...

>"Back at home, I had a lovemate," said Sezen, actually smiling, "I
>wonder what she - Jieta - is doing now. Probably wounded from that
>last troll attack..." Sezen looked again at the nearby river, the
>only one that flowed through the Holt. He waved to the other three,
>removed his loincloth, and jumped in.
SERVO: We all admire Sezen. He's the only elf that can skinny dip even
with a little weight problem.

>"I stay away from water," Foxfur said coldly, "Some time ago, a woman
>died near this river - something about a falling log. Anyway, just
>down the river is that place, called 'Rillfisher's Grave.'"
>Marcis didn't care. "I'm going in though. Wolves are interesting, but
>I can only listen for so long, and.. Well, Sezen, you'd better get
>out of my way! I still think you're a dip!"
MIKE: And so he *takes* a dip! I get it.
CROW: (Silas Volkmire) Now that's true humor!

>Marcis followed after his friend/rival into the water.
>Meanwhile, Dobil shifted his small garment nervously,
SERVO: Oh, man... I'm not feeling good at all...
MIKE: Just hang on, Tom.

>looking at Foxfur. She was beautiful in her tunic, and she must look
>even better without it.
CROW: She's in her tunic, but not of it.

>**Foxfur,** he Sent to her, **I think that you have ...another name.
>What is that?**
SERVO: Been there, done that. And any fanfic that tries to reprise
"Book 1" is pretty much doomed.

>She Sent back, **It's something very private. I don't think you have
>one, or you'd know it.**
>**I would really like to know you better, Foxfur. Shall we go for a
>swim together? Let's take a break from this training.**
>Foxfur stopped to think. Dobil, like all males, had a natural urge to
SERVO: Dobil gets hot!
MIKE: (Foxfur) He wants me bad. Should I come on to him, or just slap
him like the little shit that he is?

>But what this right, or was he being stimulated
CROW: Way too easy.

>by the Evil being? If she swam with him, she would have to be
>cautious. He did not have the sense for danger that she did. **No,
>Dobil, I will not. Got it?**
>**I certainly do,** Dobil's disappointment was palpable. He faced the
>grove of trees, head down.
MIKE: Since when can trees put their heads down?
CROW: Since they got heads.

>Then a Sent signal floated by, and both Dobil and Foxfur caught it.
>There would be another "hunt"... for Strongbow was coming for a
>private meeting.
SERVO: If you can make any sense of that last paragraph, call us in
the next twenty minutes...

>The archer wandered as if asleep. Strongbow now knew even more about
>hate, ambition, revenge, and this... Evil. He went about the tribe,
>Sending little and saying less. Who could he speak with, and what
>would he say? Strongbow went to his lifemate Moonshade... "Dart is
>OK, Foxfur is up to the usual, why haven't you been at the hunt?..."
SERVO: So... Strongbow said that to Moonshade?
CROW: I *think* it was the other way around.
MIKE: Oh, forget it. I saw more coherent dialogue in "Waiting for

>He sought out Cutter... but the boy said nothing, he was too scared,
>or something else... The wanderer then looked for Joyleaf... but that
>was impossible. Bearclaw would not even let the archer near her, so
>they already knew... He even went to Rain... "Take two puckernuts
>and come back soon. I don't care how about how bad they taste!..."
MIKE: And *how* about how!
SERVO: Unbelievable. Rain actually said something non-sexual *and*
intelligent. Looks like the end is near...

>And then Strongbow found Foxfur. His daughter had the sense to send
>her friends away, because this was a private conversation. The two
>of them did not waste *words*. They were alike, both Send unless there
>was no choice.
>**Father, I know what you've done. We all know - there is not one that
>does not feel the anger...**
>**I know! I know... But the worst part... I know, and Joyleaf knows,
>that the cub must live.
CROW: Better hide this fic from Planned Parenthood.
MIKE: Why bother? They won't make any more sense out of it than we
SERVO: Yeah. But the word "know" is used one more time...

>The little one will probably be just a symbol of the evil... unless
>some miracle can occur.**
>**But who will be the one? Who among us will raise the Forbidden
>Join-Child, the un-Recognized cub of *Rael* and *Anya*? Will I be that
MIKE: Is it just me, or can you follow who's saying what?
BOTH BOTS: We're lost!

>**Wait... you know our soul names? I should have guessed.**
>**I can't keep a secret, you know...**
CROW: Come on, Strongbow, slap her! Don't let your cub just give away
your soul name. Please show some personality?

>Joyleaf knew that she was pregnant. Worse yet, she had to deliver this
>cub. It was beyond normal belief, but some powerful force... Join-
SERVO: Life... what a terrible choice to make.

>SOMETHING compelled the chief's mate. Whatever the force was, the
>cursed bond between *Rael* and *Anya* could only be removed by this
>child - this child known as "Stormbringer."
MIKE: Looks like Joyleaf's a Moorcock fan.
CROW: So if it's a girl, what will they call her?
CROW: Anyway... the chapter's done. Ready to go, guys?
SERVO: Well, yeah...
MIKE: This time, we'll let you off the hook.

(They exit the theater.)

Obscure Stuff: Silas Volkmire was from the video game "Battletoads."
This particular line was stolen from a comic strip based on the game
that appeared all of once in "Nintendo Power." Also, Mike's "slowly
going the way of the b--" line refers to the most recent MxPx CD,
"Slowly Going the Way of the Buffalo."

Chapter Eight

(Dr. Forrester paces back and forth in his lab in Deep 13.)

DR. F.: I think I'm about to do something really evil.

(He presses a button to send a transmission to the Satellite of

(Meanwhile, Mike and the bots are kicking back on the Satellite. All
three are in lawnchairs, with a glass of iced tea by the side.)

MIKE: One more fanfic almost under our belts, guys. Not bad, huh?
CROW: Actually, it is kinda bad. This one hasn't been too painful.
Don't you think that this might give the big Doc some ideas?
SERVO: Nah. Like he's actually that evil.

(Just as the robot start to kick back, Dr. Forrester's visage appears
on a video screen.)

DR. F.: Aloha, my dear subjects. Things are gonna get a little
goofy from this point on. You will finish "Daughters" this time -
the two last chapters in one sitting! And after that... well, well...
I've got a surprise in store for you!
CROW: Oh, poopy. Just what we needed to brighten our day. Thanks a
lot, Forrester. Pfffflt!

(The fanfic sign goes off. Mike and the bots spring from their chairs.)

MIKE: Oh, we got fanfic finale sign!

(They run into the theater...)

>7: Into the Night
CROW: Geez! Let Benny Mardonez dwell happily in obscurity!

>The Wolfriders gathered together the next night. They were great in
>number now. But not for long!
SERVO: Suspense? Foreshadowing? Hell, who needs 'em?

>Bearclaw and Joyleaf were there. They may have looked happy, but they
>certainly were not. The uneasy feeling between them crept into
>every thought, every words. And their parting words would be
>remembered for long...
>"Yea, lifemate, whatever! The next time you let Cutter go to battle,
>let me remind you of what Two-Spear said right before he went crazy!"
>Something was working within Joyleaf, for sure.
MIKE: For sure! Uh huh.
CROW: Say, anyone remember how Two-Spear went crazy?

>Strongbow and Moonshade were *not* there. Their son Dart was in the
>care of Woodlock, and their rebellious daughter Foxfur... well, she
>was there somewhere.
SERVO: Tonight on the eleven o'clock news - the elven day care crisis!

>Right now, many elven eyes were upon Strongbow. What bothered him?
>The fact of his evil Joining with the chief's lifemate.
MIKE: For those lucky enough to have missed the last chapter.

>And why would he not confess what he had done? Fear and pride. But
>eventually, he would have to... Would he ever change? No one knew.
>Also there were every other potential hunter: the bold Treestump,
>the famed One-Eye, the aging River, Brownberry (who looked remarkably
>like Foxfur),
CROW: Today on Non-Sequitur Theater...

>Rain the Healer, Skywise, and of course Cutter. Oh, and Foxfur was
>out there somewhere, with her friends.
SERVO: Later on the eleven o'clock news - fanfic authors who don't

>The hunt was on! But it was not a fun hunt, not at all. No one knew
>who or what the Evil was, so they couldn't just rush out and kill
>it. And the trail was strange and unfamiliar. The Wolfriders found
>it frustrating.
>Foxfur trailed behind Skywise. She was riding on her wolf friend
>Deadfall, an old and annoying creature.
MIKE: Enough about Deadfall! He's the most interesting character in
this whole damn thing.

>Moonshade had told her to support Skywise, and not to rip his hopes
>of being lifemates someday. But what did her mother know? Nothing...
>nothing indeed. To Foxfur, her "self" was the sole source of
>knowledge. And Skywise happened to be the bane of all of that.
SERVO: Whitebread!
MIKE: Nerfherder!
CROW: Silly person!

>she bitterly thought, dort of dortboys.
>Cutter, Blood of Ten-or-so Chiefs, I Forgot How Many,
SERVO: Aaaaargh! (His head explodes.)
MIKE: Not again...

>was right beside his two friends. Being still a youth, Cutter knew
>little of the hunt. What he would learn in one night!
>"Hey Skywise," he said quietly, "Looks like you got Foxy back."
>Skywise rolled his eyes, a sign of insanity.
CROW: 0_0 (Crow faints.)
MIKE: Great, just great...

>"Shh, Starjumper..." he told his wolf friend.
>Foxfur had heard that comment. She shot at him, **Don't call me
>FOXY!!** What a miserable, sackling, puckery excuse for a...
>One of the more stealthy Wolfriders stopped in his tracks. Someone
>quickly Sent, **A dead wolf cub. Our prey is a predator.**
SERVO: You know, that would be a cool crossover.
MIKE: Back already?

>"We've got a problem now," muttered Rain.
>Noting this brilliant remark,
MIKE: When the author's sarcasm hits the fan - you run!

>Cutter saw that Rain was coming near him. For no particular reason,
>he quipped, "I hope your healing skills won't be needed tonight,
>healer." Cutter's wolf was more alert than he was, and already saw
>the danger coming nearer and nearer...
>The healer wanted to get the Evil now. He could feel it so much
MIKE: OK, now we've passed the "sick" boundary. Doesn't Rain think
about *anything* but sex?
CROW: Doubt it.
SERVO: Welcome back, Goldenrod.

>"So do I, young Cutter..." he said, completely blowing their
>And just like that, Rain died. Struck by a vicious nail that he had
>not seen.
SERVO: The Oliver Stone version of "Elfquest."

>Now the hunt was on! It was here, it was there, it was everywhere.
>The clawed hand belonged to a gigantic beast. Standing on its
>hideous two feet, it had remarkable agility, power, and intelligence.
>Years later, Cutter would acknowledge that the beast was in fact the
>Evil, a product of foul magic and nature. But he barely lived to tell
>the tale. For this Evil beast was a master of Sending, and had the
>power to hurt rather than heal. It seemed immune to damage, and some
>Wolfriders died pointlessly.
CROW: Another day, another liability.

>Its name was Madcoil, the bringer of death.
>--Character Profile 10: Madcoil--
>Gender: unknown. Race: "magical." Age: unknown. Soul name: unknown.
>Relatives: none.
MIKE: So, in summary... we don't know squat about Madcoil.

>Love/Lifemates: none. Likes: Hate, death, killing, blood, fun.
>Dislikes: Pain.
CROW: Don't we all?

>Other info: It is told that Madcoil was produced by old magic that
>was ruined over time. The Wolfriders never see anything else like
>it. Quote: **HA HA!**
SERVO: Mommy! Madcoil's teasing me!

>Marcis was aflame!
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: I didn't say anything...

>All at once charged with the utter thrill of blood, he pounced before
>the Evil one. Dressed once again in proper clothes... how better to
>kill with?... he drew his naked sword.
SERVO: Metaphors gone bad... characterization from hell... inane
dialogue... random character profiles... You can find it all in
"The Daughters of Strongbow, Part One"!
MIKE: Better settle down there, little buddy.

>Standing at the feet of Madcoil, *now* he knew the secret of this
>Sending! It was not you, but who you were Sending to. And did Marcis
>ever Send! **I came to this place, foul BEAST, for one reason - to
>kill you!! Feel the pain of this weapon!!**
CROW: This story has pretty much exhausted the world's supply of
exclamation points.

>Madcoil Sent back... laughing wildly... **Death, blood, pain! He-he-
>That was too much! Marcis attacked immediately. Drawing his sword
>arm back, he prepared to gouge the monster... but it attacked first!
>Marcis grimaced... the giant claw was for him!
ALL: Happy birthday, Marcis.

>He shook violently, missing his magical target. And the opponent had
>no mercy for Marcis...
>Sezen was frozen! He had never known such FEAR! The Evil Madcoil
>was huge and terrible beyond every vision... and it had just
>killed Marcis.
SERVO: Glad they told us that. Otherwise, I would be totally lost...

>The only words that the son of Orash could utter were, "Not Marcis,
>no, no, the first one to die... not Marcis..."
>All about Sezen everything was moving in double time. Except Dobil.
>He was petrified as well. But Dobil at least was keeping a decent
MIKE: So... he borrowed an old Timex from someone?
CROW: I'd believe it.

>like a true descendant of Orash the Hero... In fact, he was watching
>the enigmatic yellow-haired female Wolfrider. From what little Dobil
>knew, the thing was that she had to live one way or another. And
>then Dobil saw something else from the opposite direction. "Sezen...!
>Trolls are coming! Cover them, for the sake of everyone else..."
SERVO: Who said that anyhow?
MIKE: Might as well be the enigmatic yellow-haired female Wolfrider.
CROW: (Kuno) Tree-born, kettle-bearing, pig-tailed girl...

>Dobil wasn't the only one who wasn't armed.
>"Trolls I will kill, for the sake of revenge!" Sezen shouted, drawing
>his blade and rushing the foes. But why had they come now? It really
>didn't matter... maybe they had been attracted to a new battle.
>Worse yet, the trolls were a bit higher in number... six of them to
>be exact, versus one elf.
SERVO: My bet's on the trolls.
ALL: Go trolls! Go trolls!

>Sezen was scared again... "Dobil, get more help! Trouble!"
>His cousin responded, with his eyes wide open, "I'll get... Foxfur."
>Meanwhile, the battle was a fury of blood and Sending. Madcoil,
>enraged, threw his worst thoughts at the Wolfriders. River, the
>father of Nightfall, was the next to die.
MIKE: Yeah... another stock character bites the dust. Go ahead and
say it, Crow.
CROW: This fic can bite me!

>And the monster wasn't getting hurt at all!
>Bearclaw was living a nightmare. Joyleaf had gotten caught... and the
>monster was at her. His attacks were horribly futile. The Blood of
>Nine Chiefs believed that he lost his lifemate in this way. But he
>had actually lost her just last night, when Strongbow committed his
>sin. And the penance for Strongbow would be a long road for himself,
>and others.
SERVO: I prefer Vincent and Lucrecia.

>Foxfur was having a blast! This was just great, fighting with the
>odds against oneself. Who cared about the other Wolfriders, they
>could think her dead if they wanted. Heck, let them. She liked
>She rode Deadfall like a human,
MIKE: The fact that humans don't ride wolves is of course completely

>trying to annoy the Evil. And it worked! The creature's Sendings
>would not hurt her, for she was strong in the Way. Even though those
>"others" were being distracted (including Brownberry, who died),
>Foxfur had a season's share of fun. Then from out of nowhere, Dobil
>showed up...
CROW: (Dobil) Hi-keeba!
SERVO: (Dobil) I am Sailor Child Moon, champion of justice!
MIKE: (Dobil) Duh, I'm not late, am I?

>Foxfur stopped her maniac charge and got out in a clearing. **Is
>something wrong?** she Sent, trying to avoid an interference.
>**Yes!** Dobil seemed to scream, **Sezen is in trouble - trolls!**
CROW: Took ya long enough, Dobil.

>Oh, the trolls. They were causing too much trouble for her to let
>them live. Well, farewell tribe. You won't be missed, not for a
>second! Foxfur replied, **I'm coming, and let me bring my wolf, OK?**
>**Sure,** Dobil Sent back, **And I have to get something, too. Tell
>Sezen I will be there... but this could be important. Isn't the
>yellow-haired female supposed to live?**
SERVO: (Foxfur) Yes, dammit! Haven't you been paying attention for
the last twenty pages?
MIKE: (Dobil) Duh... oh yeah. Keep forgetting about that dang plot
SERVO: (Foxfur) Dortboy.

>Foxfur quickly Sent, **Yes, and don't be seen by anyone!** She rode
>through the thickets towards where Sezen was.
>As the battle began to clear, Bearclaw had nearly broken down. Five
>Wolfriders lost in one night... and his lifemate. There was only
>one solution: retreat. "Ayoooah! Run for your lives!" he said,
>meaning more than one thing.
CROW: Um... that's a cliffhanger? What the hell just happened there?
MIKE: Forget it. We've got one chapter left of this...

Brief Notes: Hey, none of the references in this one are mega-obscure!
I really should do this more often... In the next installment, you'll get a little foreshadowing of what the
MSTing of Part Two will be like. Oh, and if anyone has an EQ-related
thing they'd like me to take on, I'll gladly take it!

Chapter Eight

(Mike and the bots are stuck in their seats, for Dr.
Forrester has sealed the doors shut until the fanfic

>8: Winners and Losers
>The troll were dead. Sezen basically was, too.
CROW: Synopsis... dead trolls, dead Sezen. Life sucks.

>Sezen, son of Orash, and lovemate of Jieta, was wounded
>beyond recovery. His two surviving friends were by his
>side in these final minutes. They listened intently as
>Sezen painfully said,
SERVO: (Sezen) I regret nothing!
CROW: (Sezen) You were right, Luke...
MIKE: (Sezen) I have only one life to give to my tribe...

>"Dobil... you are the last of Orash's descendants now.
>Please, find your way home, and tell my family about my
>Dobil solemnly nodded. Sezen, short of breath, continued,
>"And Foxfur... I knew more... than you thought.
MIKE: Coulda fooled us.

>Your father... he has given birth
CROW: You know, I could have done without *that* mental

>to a new child... and it is in the ...dying woman's body.
>The child must live... that is what they said, Foxfur,
>must live..."
>Sezen would speak no more. His head fell limp, and the
>warrior's son died honorably. The eyes of Foxfur and
SERVO: Fell out of their heads. Splat, splat, splat,

>turned now to Joyleaf... the "yellow-haired female" Dobil
>had picked up. The elven woman was at least half dead.
>But she continued to breathe. The curse was powerful,
MIKE: Indeed.
CROW: Indeed!

>For a elf girl's birth cycle is a full two turns of the
>seasons (two years). And somehow, Joyleaf would have to
>live until "Stormbringer" would be born.
MIKE: Steven Ratliff would tremble at such a plot device.
CROW: You gotta credit this author for rewriting the
biology books.

>In the dark days following Madcoil's attack, Bearclaw
>tried his best to Send to Joyleaf. But there was no
>response, not even a hint... All were convinced that the
>chief's lifemate, along with the others, had died either
>in or after the battle. Why did Joyleaf not respond, if
>she was indeed alive? She was physically and mentally
>wounded - beyond repair - and all her energies went into
>keeping the unborn Stormbringer alive.
>Over the next two years, Foxfur and Dobil lived by
>themselves in that far corner of the Holt. Occasionally,
>they would hear the howling of wolves... and Strongbow
>would come by.
CROW: To check on the meter!
SERVO: Now *that* I can't see...

>But even when Foxfur and her father Sent to each other,
>the daughter could not get a confession from him. And in
>this way, Foxfur became a recluse.
>Joyleaf's child was born without ceremony.
>"Stormbringer," as the child had been named, was a
>female. She was somewhat deformed from Joyleaf's state -
>her breasts seemed shrunken and ugly even now.
SERVO: Aaaaagggghh-- (His head explodes with a pop.)
CROW: I didn't just read that...
MIKE: What the hell? This is a *baby* we're talking about!

>But at least the child had lived. Stormbringer had a soul
>name - Zhai. As for her mother, she gave up life and was
>carried away by her old wolf one night.
MIKE: Now that's what I call a bad ending. Come on, let's
get out of here.
CROW: Uh-huh!


(A minute later, back on the Satellite of Love's bridge,
Mike is carrying Tom Servo's still-stunned body. Crow is
right behind him.)

MIKE: OK, Doctor... show yourself. No need for suspense.
CROW: You don't want us to get too impatient, do you?

(Dr. Forrester's head appears on the traditional video
screen. For once, he is not wearing anything green.
Instead, he is clad in a yellow-and-red outfit much like
Rayek's "Book 8" garb.)

DR. F.: Of course not, dears. In fact, before too much
longer, I don't think you'll be needing to worry about
*time* much at all...
CROW: Oh, spill the beans already!
DR. F.: You know what sort of effect alternate-universe
fanfic has on the actual writings? Well, you're about to
find out! Nya ha ha!
MIKE: Oh great, I feel something goofy coming on...

(The doctor hits a glowing green button on the wall of
Deep 13. As Mike and the bots look on, the Satellite
bridge suddenly fades to white...)

GYPSY: (Off-stage) Is there something weird going on in
there, boys?

(When Mike and the bots can see again, they find
themselves on the bridge of a very different ship. Above
them seems to be space... nothing seems to be holding
any air in. But they can see that they are near the edge
of the ship, for it tapers off a hundred meters in the
distance and forms a rounded end. At that end of the
ship, a lone figure stands, not facing them. The
individual's hair is white and ragged, falling down
below the person's shoulders. Though Mike and the bots
can not see if they are male or female... or even human,
the person calls out in a loud, deep voice.)

INDIVIDUAL: Welcome to the Palace... fools!

Some Brief Notes: Next comes Part Two of "Daughters." It's
gonna be a wacky one, 'cause now that the setting is...
outside the traditional MST3K universe, I'm going to have
more fun than ever!

I've got two and a half weeks until holiday break, so I'd
like to get going on Part Two while I have a chance. Watch
for it to come soon.

Visit this MSTing's home at "Elfquest": The Addiction / I.N.T.O.'s Fanfic Archive...

Disclaimers: "Elfquest," its characters, etc., are
copyright 1978-1998 Warp Graphics. "Mystery Science
Theater 3000," its characters, etc., are copyright 1988-
1998 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing was compiled by Alan
(John Alan Riggs) on December 10, 1998.

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