--Alan -- It's NOT ALIVE! ################################################## ElfQuiz: Death (The First Movie) Installment 2: Here's Cutter A parody By Alan ################################################## *** Scene 2: Here is Cutter, Here is Trouble *** [EXT. The desert. Dawn.] TREESTUMP So hot... so tired... CUTTER I know, I know. So why are you wearing furs? TREESTUMP ... CUTTER ...Look, uncle, I didn't ask for this! TREESTUMP So it seems. CUTTER As soon as Skywise finds us a water source, I'm going back to Laiholt... even if you don't come along! TREESTUMP Such a shame! My one and only heir-- CUTTER Cut it out, old man! STRONGBOW *They'll be at it for a while. Skywise, how are we doing?* SKYWISE It could be another day or two before we reach the mountains. STRONGBOW *Probably. But are you sure that's the only place where we'll find water?* SKYWISE Yes. Why? STRONGBOW *Look at the clouds.* [Skywise and Moonshade look skyward. A heavy blanket of black clouds hang above them.] MOONSHADE Oh... oh, dear. SKYWISE Everybody, listen up! [Pause.] SKYWISE It's gonna rain in a few minutes. I hope you all brought umbrellas and water flasks. NIGHTFALL Why, of course we did! Right, Redlance-dear? REDLANCE Yes... we did. Just give me a second. CUTTER (Why must I suffer... why must I suffer...) *** [EXT. Sorrow's End, by the village well. Mid- afternoon. Leetah and Rayek are on the set.] RAYEK Miss Leetah... I... I... LEETAH Rayek? Is there something you're trying to say? RAYEK That is... Miss Leetah, I yuv loo! LEETAH What? I don't understand. RAYEK No! I... I can't say it! Aaaagghhh!! [With his powers of telekinesis, Rayek flings several stones off the ground, and slams them back downward.] LEETAH (My... he can certainly be a sensitive guy...) *** [INT. Savah's house (hut?). Sun-Toucher is pressing his fingers on the murals on the wall.] SUN-TOUCHER At last, the time has come for Savah's prophecy to be completed. Oh, how I've waited for this day... [Dissolve from Sun-Toucher crying to the village well. There, Leetah and Rayek are still attempting to talk to each other--until they hear...] LEETAH The thundering of feet! Rayek, something big is coming over the hill! RAYEK What--! Leetah, did you say that something big is coming over the hill? LEETAH Yes, I did. I'm worried. RAYEK Never fear, Miss Leetah. I will protect you! [He dashes toward the northern cliff of the village.] LEETAH I wonder who, or what, it could be? [Zoom in on the dust cloud which the Wolfriders are forming. At the head of the pack is a... young woman, with long white hair tied in a chief's knot. Just behind this individual is a human man, dressed in heavy furs, with short blond hair. Except for Cutter and Treestump, the Wolfriders are all there.] RAYEK No-one hurts Miss Leetah! You will all die now! PIKE Hey, you'd better get out of my wolf's way-- [With a loud thud, Pike's wolf bowls over Rayek. Scouter and Dewshine follow in turn, since they are barely hanging on to their bond-beasts.] PIKE Sorry about that! LEETAH You people are awfully rude, to just beat up on a weak person like Rayek. MYSTERIOUS GIRL Same goes for you! Get out of my way... [Leetah notices that the mysterious girl is headed straight for her.] LEETAH Well, I never! What sort of individual do you-- [The moment she looks up at the mysterious one, both of them freeze in place. Nightrunner strains forward, but even as the sand and scenery around them flies by, the two do not move.] LEETAH I... Now I don't know what to say... MYSTERIOUS GIRL Ha... ha... ha... Oh, I should've told you my name. I'm Cutter, Blood of Ten Chiefs. Sorry about this. LEETAH "Cutter," huh? Well, my name is-- hey, wait a minute. People are watching! [Girl-Cutter turns, and notices that the rest of the tribe is staring at him. The chief grins sheepishly.] GIRL-CUTTER That is... you see... she's not... SKYWISE HOW COULD YOU?! GIRL-CUTTER That has nothing to do with this! MYSTERIOUS HUMAN Oh, really? GIRL-CUTTER Be quiet, old man! I never wanted anything to do with your stupid schemes-- [Leetah knocks Cutter over the head.] LEETAH Ahem. That man, the one who is just getting to his feet, is Rayek--a friend of mine for many years. [Cutter notices Rayek approaching them.] GIRL-CUTTER Heh heh... I'm quite sorry to cause you all this trouble, you see, this isn't my fault, and-- [Rayek knocks Cutter over the head.] RAYEK Shut up, you wolf, you enemy of women! GIRL-CUTTER (Why must I suffer... why must I suffer...) *** [INT. Savah's place. Sun-Toucher and the house's owner stand before the Wolfriders, et al.] SAVAH Welcome to Sorrow's End. We have waited a long time for your arrival. GIRL-CUTTER Yeah, uh huh. Does anyone around here have some hot water? SAVAH Indeed, we do. I shall prepare it swiftly. GIRL-CUTTER That's good. I appreciate it. LEETAH You're certainly nice to her. What is your problem? First, you stop me in the middle of the village, in front of everyone else, and start acting like a pervert... GIRL-CUTTER I'm not a "pervert." Just give me a few minutes, and I'll prove myself. RAYEK Yeah, you'd better prove yourself! I hardly know your name, but you are certainly not worthy to claim my beloved Leetah as your own. LEETAH My... beloved...? Rayek? RAYEK Ah... I... did I say that? Ha ha ha! Aaaah! NIGHTFALL He certainly is an interesting one. REDLANCE Indeed. (She wants him--I know it.) SUN-TOUCHER While Savah is preparing hot water, may I speak briefly to you? WOLFRIDERS Yes. SUN-TOUCHER Your arrival at this place was no coincidence. A few hundred years ago, when my daughter Leetah was yet young, Savah and I made a plan. We went outside our physical selves, and sent a message out to all of elf-kind. STRONGBOW *Why should we believe you?* SUN-TOUCHER *Because I'm pretty good at this, no?* [Strongbow shakes in his boots, throws his hands up in the air, screams, and falls backward to the floor. By this time, his hair is on end, and his body is smoking.] WOLFRIDERS Yes. SUN-TOUCHER Now, as I was saying... our message was a plea. A plea for someone to arrive and become my Leetah's fiance. GIRL-CUTTER F-f-fiance?! LEETAH Dad, how could you? Besides, I don't want to be married to this... this pervert! GIRL-CUTTER I'm not a "pervert." SKYWISE Get that, One-Eye? You heard that? ONE-EYE Cutter... SUN-TOUCHER In any event... After that happened, Savah did a little project on her own. She calculated the exact date on which a group of eligible elves would arrive at this village. Oh... I'm sorry--elves and one human. HUMAN-TREESTUMP I'm not a human. CLEARBROOK Heh heh... SAVAH I'm back, with hot water in hand. Who wanted it? GIRL-CUTTER & HUMAN-TREESTUMP I did. SAVAH It's been millenia since we've seen a human. I shall let him go first. GIRL-CUTTER You just had to fall in THAT patch, didn't you, old man? [Treestump douses himself with the hot water. He reverts to elf form.] SAVAH My... this is unexpected. TREESTUMP The path of a true elf is perilous. How can I-- GIRL-CUTTER Shut up, old man, and give me that water! TREESTUMP Such an insolent child... GIRL-CUTTER I'm just going to ignore that. [Cutter douses himself with the hot water. He reverts to male form.] CUTTER Well, Leetah, what do you think now? LEETAH I... I don't know what to say. Are you... CUTTER Yes? LEETAH Are you one of those... CUTTER Spit it out. LEETAH Cross-dressers? CUTTER Aaaaaggh... RAYEK Whatever you are, Cutter, you are certainly not fit to be her fiance! CUTTER I'm not a cross-dresser! These are bell bottoms! LEETAH Oh. My mistake. I assumed... CUTTER (I don't even want to know.) SAVAH Fortunately for all of you, there are things that we Sun Folk can do to help you out. CUTTER Well, for starters, you could convince my old man-- Treestump here--to go back to Laiholt, back where we fell into cursed dreamberry patches. SAVAH I'm afraid that I can't do that. CUTTER Then what can you do? SAVAH We can issue... a CHALLENGE. CUTTER & RAYEK A challenge! SAVAH Yes, a challenge. OTHERS Ooh! SAVAH Cutter, you may challenge Rayek for the right to-- RAYEK Marry her? LEETAH What did you say, Rayek? RAYEK N-nothing, Miss Leetah! SAVAH Ahem. The challenge is for the right to date her. CUTTER I see. Still... that will suffice! RAYEK I see, too. Cutter, I'll make you pay for all that you've put Miss Leetah through! SAVAH Good--you agree. That said, the challenge shall begin tomorrow morning at dawn. Be prepared. CUTTER (Why must I suffer... why must I suffer...) [Fade to black.] -- To be continued in... Installment 3: Trials of the Hand, Head, and Heart Please send all your praises and grievances to . I appreciate your help. -Alan (September 22, 1999) Elfquest site: eq_addiction> "Elfquest" and everything related to it are copyright 1978-99 Warp Graphics. Feel free to distribute this fanfic, but don't remove my name from it.