--Alan -- "First, catch is if you can." ################################################### ElfQuiz: Death (The First Movie) Installment 3: Trials of the Hand, Head, and Heart A parody By Alan ################################################### *** Scene 3: The Kiss *** [EXT. Sorrow's End. A hot spring far from any buildings. (It was in the first prose novel...)] LEETAH Now that I finally have some time to myself... time to do something about it. [She looks around.] LEETAH Finally, peace and quiet. [She slips out of her clothes and enters the water. CUT to an exterior scene right outside Savah's dwelling. Cutter and Skywise stand there...] CUTTER What is it, Skywise? Since you have only a certain amount of time in your schedule for womanizing, I presume this will be quick. SKYWISE Do you know, do you know? Have you heard? CUTTER No. Tell me. SKYWISE You gotta hear this--Leetah is at her bath. CUTTER Oh. I thought it would be something worthwhile. SKYWISE Cutter, my friend, you are one clueless elf. She's practically begging for you! CUTTER Uh-huh. She can do whatever she wants. SKYWISE Oh... Now I see! It's all too clear. CUTTER What are you babbling about? SKYWISE I know exactly who _you're_ interested in. CUTTER I rather doubt that. SKYWISE Oh, do you? Well, what do you think about Nightfall? CUTTER The very definition of evil. SKYWISE (She's not that bad...) CUTTER I'm an elf who can fend for himself, Skywise. SKYWISE Really? Well, what do you think about _me_? CUTTER I... um... that is, you see... SKYWISE Knew it all along! Come back to me! CUTTER Oh great... no, don't touch that! HELP!! [Fade out. CUT back to the bath.] LEETAH Wow, I really do feel better now. It's amazing. [She notices a stirring in the water, less than a foot away.] LEETAH Oh, my... [She backs away from it. The black object draws a bit closer.] LEETAH Aaaahhhh! [Just as she reaches toward the land, a figure swoops down. It is Cutter. He knocks the underwater thing unto the land. The object is now revealed to be nothing more than a log. Cutter, however, falls right into the water.] LEETAH Cutter? [Pause. No reply.] LEETAH _Cutter_? [Still no reply.] LEETAH Oh no! He can't be dead... because of me... [Everything else remains quiet.] LEETAH Aaaahhhh! Cutter fell on his head and snapped his neck in half and is bleeding all over the spring and-- GIRL-CUTTER [weakly] I'm not dead yet... LEETAH You're alive! GIRL-CUTTER For better or for worse. LEETAH Well, that's a good thing, and... GIRL-CUTTER And? LEETAH Oh, High Ones! You saw me naked! GIRL-CUTTER Well, yeah... LEETAH You'd better be sorry, Wolfrider. GIRL-CUTTER I'm sorry. GIRL-CUTTER (Still... I am better built than her.) LEETAH (I really should say that it was a joke...) LEETAH I'm so-- GIRL-CUTTER Like I said, I'm sorry. LEETAH Oh. GIRL-CUTTER I've been messing everything up in the last few days. See you at the competition, Leetah. [The Wolfrider walks away, still dripping.] LEETAH Cutter... [A rustling is heard from behind the bath. Skywise appears.] LEETAH Another one of you Wolfriders? SKYWISE The name is Skywise. Don't mind me. LEETAH What were you _doing_ back there? SKYWISE Watching Cutter. I was sure he'd succeed... LEETAH What do you mean by that? SKYWISE Oh, don't you worry. It's a thing that-- [Leetah dashes out of the pool and embraces Skywise.] LEETAH Thank you! SKYWISE _HUH_? LEETAH Now I know that Cutter doesn't hate me! SKYWISE L-let go of me... [Leetah manages to pull Skywise's tunic part of the way off his right shoulder.] LEETAH Ah... ah... [She steps back, and gasps.] LEETAH You're... a... _man_! SKYWISE Well, of course! My identity has been quite obvious for many turns. LEETAH But... but you kissed Cutter... SKYWISE (The quick cut-away was a good thing...) SKYWISE Let's just say that I'm not too choosy. LEETAH Ah... I have a headache. [She sits down.] SKYWISE Even so, I'm planning to make a good impression with the women of Sorrow's End, since I believe in the power of having many friends-- Leetah, are you listening? LEETAH (Things are getting stranger by the minute...) [Fade out.] *** Scene 4: Collision of Egos! Competition Day *** [EXT. Sorrow's End, around 8 a.m. Near a tent at the center of the village, the contestants have gathered.] SAVAH You know the rules, right? CUTTER & RAYEK Yes, we do. SAVAH Always a step in the right direction. First shall be the trial of hand--the physical competition. CUTTER & RAYEK _Yes_! LEETAH (Entirely too much testosterone is in the air.) SAVAH Very well then. I ask that the little people emerge to set up the poles. LITTLE PEOPLE Here we are! [Half a dozen unnamed Sun Folk run into the open air, and place two poles over a log. They set down the objects at maximum speed.] SCOUTER Wow, they really _are_ little people. DEWSHINE Nice observation, lovemate. SAVAH Cutter, Rayek--you must keep your balance on the poles. The one left standing wins. CUTTER & RAYEK No problem! SAVAH Now... begin. [Cutter and Rayek jump up on the poles. Both spring back immediately.] CUTTER Uhhh.... RAYEK Didn't win... LEETAH What's with you men?! SUN-TOUCHER Oh, Leetah... why must you... [sob] LEETAH Dad! I didn't mean it like that. SAVAH When you are ready, try again. PIKE Yeah, Cutter! Get back at it! TREESTUMP Go Rayek! PIKE Huh? Are you suddenly on his side? [Pike turns in Treestump's direction, only to see a human.] PIKE I shouldn't have asked. CUTTER This time, Rayek... I will win. RAYEK We shall see about that. When I am wronged, I always get revenge... even if I have to go to the ends of the earth for it! LEETAH (I wish he wouldn't.) [Cutter and Rayek walk back to the two poles. Slowly, they step on the contraption.] CUTTER Ha! This is easier than I thought. It's just like being back in the Holt, swinging from tree to tree. NIGHTFALL I remember those days. Don't you, Redlance? REDLANCE How could I forget? You always laughed when he crashed into the trees. NIGHTFALL Oh, true... but then I had a little more fun. REDLANCE I wish she hadn't... RAYEK Nice thought, Cutter--but your ego will get you nowhere! [Rayek pushes Cutter.] CUTTER Heh. I don't fall... I bounce. RAYEK Why should that concern me? You are the one with the corrupt form! CUTTER Ooohhh... now I'm angry! [Cutter pushes hard against Rayek's shoulder.] RAYEK I dare you to try that again, wolf-boy! CUTTER Come again, sand-crawler? [Both push hard. Grimacing, Cutter knocks Rayek to the ground.] CUTTER Heh. Victory is sweet. [He immediately falls off.] SAVAH Right... on to the next contest! *** [Several minutes later...] SUN-TOUCHER There are five rules for the trial of head. AHDRI Three, sir. SUN-TOUCHER Three. First, you must retrieve your weapons. That means you must hand them over. CUTTER But New Moon is _my_ sword. I went through many long trials to win it from-- SKYWISE No need to go into your story now. Cutter, I've got a proposition. CUTTER A _proposition_? I don't want to marry _you_! SKYWISE (Oh, come on now...) SKYWISE No, not like that. How about I trade you my lodestone for your sword? CUTTER Fair enough. Let's switch items after this is over. SKYWISE What? You mean you'd actually want to part with this marvelous chunk of rock?! CUTTER Yes. [The two exchange items.] RAYEK Now that we've established that... Sun-Toucher, do go on. SUN-TOUCHER Thank you. Rule two: you must allow yourself to be lead by the little people. CUTTER But they're so... little... SUN-TOUCHER Ahem. Rule three: the first one back at the tent wins. Is that clear? CLEARBROOK As clear as a brook. TREESTUMP He didn't ask you. CLEARBROOK So? SUN-TOUCHER Is that clear, contestants? CUTTER & RAYEK Yes. SUN-TOUCHER Right. Now, prepare yourselves! *** [INT. a cool, damp cave. Cutter has a blindfold on, rope tied around his wrists and ankles, a gag in his mouth, and... gulp... no clothes.] CUTTER (I realize they want a challenge... but this is ridiculous.) [Pause. He struggles with the ropes.] CUTTER (Well, if I have to do this with restraints... with restraints will I do it!) [He shuffles toward the edge of a 20-foot drop.] *** [INT. another part of the same cave. Rayek had been in a similar predicament moments before, but he has since wiggled out of the ropes, the blindfold, and the gag.] RAYEK I may have lost the last challenge... but that is no matter! This time, I will triumph! Do you hear me, Cutter? Leetah will be _mine_! When I win, I will have you exiled--or worse--and I will marry her. We shall have a wonderful life together for the rest of the existence of the World of Two Moons! [He looks around. The only sound, besides a slight echo, is several chirps.] RAYEK Now... which way should I go? [Rayek walks toward the Perilous Pit of the Perpetual Loop.] *** [Right next to the drop.] CUTTER (Ground still feels solid. Everything should be fine. I'm on flat ground.) [He pushes a toe over the cliff.] CUTTER (Well... not any more.) [Cutter continues to inch forward. Slowly, he pushes his body over the ledge. The Wolfrider plummets to the ground below.] CUTTER (This is certainly harder than I expected...) *** [In the P.P.P.L.] RAYEK The scenery... all the same. The footprints... all the same. The exit... only one is available. [A second's pause. Rayek takes a deep breath...] RAYEK _Where am I now??_ [He continues to go around the circular room.] *** [At the foot of the cliff.] CUTTER (That was... painful.) [It is clear that he has bruises all over. A small pool of blood decorates the ground. Cutter's bones are sticking out awkwardly in several places.] CUTTER (Better keep going.) [He does.] *** [Rayek approaches the one opening of the P.P.P.L.] RAYEK I really should leave this place. It seems like nothing but a round room. [He takes a moment to think.] RAYEK But what if Cutter is here? [He takes another moment to think.] RAYEK This could take a while. [He continues to think.] *** [Cutter staggers toward a tiny crevice in the ground.] CUTTER (Must... find... New Moon.) [The lodestone begins beeping, not unlike an alarm clock.] CUTTER (The lodestone is a lot more versatile than I expected...) [He positions himself over the crevice.] CUTTER (It must be here.) [The lodestone beeps even louder than before. It pulls downward, toward New Moon, so as to drag the sword upward. (It's hard to explain.)] CUTTER (Ugh... not my neck...) [As he collapses, the lodestone picks up the sword.] *** [Rayek finds himself looking down into a similar crevice. A knife of his was planted there.] RAYEK Finally found it. Now... I could use my superior wits and mental capabilities to take the weapon. It will eventually impress Leetah, and humiliate Cutter... [A second's pause.] RAYEK On the other hand... I've got brute strength. HAIY- YAAAAH!! [With one punch, he creates a crater in the floor. Rayek picks the dagger out of the rubble.] RAYEK Now... it's time to go home. *** [EXT. Sorrow's End. Back at the tent, it is early in the afternoon. The Wolfriders are kicking back, with cold drinks and all.] SKYWISE This takes a long time, doesn't it, Savah? SAVAH Indeed. The trial of hand is not meant to be easy. SKYWISE Wait a moment... who is that I see walking in our direction? [Cutter, still bound, etc. approaches the group. He is carrying New Moon under his chin.] SAVAH Ladies and gentlemen, we have a survivor! Congratulations, Cutter! What do you want to say to the world? CUTTER Ugh... bandages... pants... [The Wolfrider collapses.] SAVAH And there you have it, Cutter the Blood of Ten Chiefs! NIGHTFALL I really worry about him. *** [A few minutes later... same location...] RAYEK I have triumphed! Embrace me, Leetah! [She watches him from her chair in the shade.] LEETAH No. RAYEK Oh, Leetah, why must you refuse me? Aaaagh! LEETAH Rayek, sit down and get dressed. RAYEK Aaaaagh! *** [Around mid-afternoon, just outside the tent.] SUN-TOUCHER Honorable Savah, are you sure we should continue with the contest? SAVAH Well, they've both survived. I don't see any reason why we shouldn't. SUN-TOUCHER Well, I can't see any either! Ha! SAVAH ... CUTTER & RAYEK We're ready for anything! SAVAH That's good to hear. Sit down, I'll need a minute. [They do as told.] SAVAH Thank you. The third trial is, of course, the trial of heart. Here is where the going gets tough. CUTTER & RAYEK We _are_ tough! SAVAH Right, right. First, there is one preliminary event. I must scan your minds before you can participate. CUTTER Feel free, Lady Savah. You have nothing to fear. SAVAH Thank you. [She presses his forehead, and enters the Wolfrider's thoughts.] CUTTER Oh... oh my. SAVAH Well, wolf-chief, it turns out that you have something to fear. RAYEK Of course he would! His very form is a twist on the truth of what an elf should be. CUTTER Huh? RAYEK It's not for you to know, Wolfrider! SAVAH Are you done yet, Rayek? RAYEK Ha ha! Yes. SAVAH Good. [She does the same procedure on him.] RAYEK N-no... not the image of a p- p- p- SAVAH You, little hunter, may have an unpleasant experience in your near future. RAYEK I... I... near future? SAVAH Never mind that. Follow me... the contest must begin. [EXT. The bridge of destiny, in the late afternoon. The Wolfriders have assembled. Cutter and Rayek stand poised at the edge of the cliff.] SAVAH As you can tell, only one can go across. Now... the decision as to who will go first is a difficult one... CUTTER I should go first, because I've won the two previous contests. RAYEK That's exactly why I should go first! This is my chance to show him up once and for all! I shall win, and-- SAVAH Sorry, but I've already decided. ALL Oh... SAVAH Cutter shall go first. He has more to fear, and more to gain if he wins. RAYEK W-what exactly does that mean? SAVAH My little secret. LEETAH (I can't believe she just said that...) CUTTER Well, here I go... [Cutter sets foot on the thin bar of stone. His steps are shaky and tentative. Four steps in, he drops to his hands and knees, and crawls back.] CUTTER So high... too high... RAYEK Ha! I knew you were little more than a coward. Watch the wind-walking skills of a true champion! LEETAH Oh, great. He's at it again. TREESTUMP You say this is bad? LEETAH It isn't bad... it's horrible. WOLFRIDERS Why? LEETAH Oh... you'll see. [Rayek begins walking confidently across the bridge. His head is held high, and he is whistling a happy tune. Quite suddenly, the wind knocks him sideways.] LEETAH Rayek! RAYEK N-no! Why does this always happen to me! [He is hanging on to the stone, but only by one faltering hand.] CUTTER I say we leave him there. LEETAH Like I was trying to say, that's a _bad_ idea. CUTTER Why? LEETAH You don't want to see it! CUTTER Well... as much as I dislike him... I'd better help out. [Cutter, once again, steps out on the bridge.] MOONSHADE He's gonna do it! STRONGBOW *So it seems.* CUTTER I'm gonna pull you up. RAYEK Never! I will fend for myself. HAAAAY-- [Cutter stops Rayek from striking the bridge.] CUTTER (Now I see what Leetah meant.) CUTTER This isn't a good time for martial arts. RAYEK Any time is a good time for martial arts! CUTTER Oh, stop it. [He pulls Rayek up unto the bridge.] CUTTER Now, Rayek, if you wish to try again-- RAYEK *YOU!* [Rayek walks back toward the crowd. Though silent, he is clearly sulking.] CUTTER It's not my fault... [The Wolfrider slowly approaches the opposite side of the bridge. He touches the small mark, and heads back.] PIKE Good going! STRONGBOW *Well done, lad.* ONE-EYE Very good, Cutter. TREESTUMP That's my boy! CLEARBROOK (Should I, or shouldn't I?) [Clearbrook brandishes a bucket of water, but puts it away just as quickly.] RAYEK ... SAVAH Rayek? LEETAH Rayek? [With everyone now staring at him, Rayek runs down the steep hill. He dashes out of the village.] SAVAH We might not see him again... for a long time. SUN-TOUCHER I can't help but agree. SAVAH (Where did he come from?) [Cutter turns to Leetah. Just then, a flurry of sand flies by.] CUTTER I won, Leetah. LEETAH I know. CUTTER Well, couldn't you be a little more enthusiastic? LEETAH What's there to say? You won your silly contest, and now poor Rayek's about to get lost again. CUTTER Oh. LEETAH We will meet again, Wolfrider. I hope you have something to offer _me_ next time. CUTTER I... see. [Leetah heads back home.] TREESTUMP The path of a true elf is fraught with peril. CUTTER I didn't ask you! [They begin punching each other. Fade out.] -- To be continued in... Installment 4: Rime of the Ancient Monster After the last installment, I received quite a bit of feedback. Thanks! Yes, this story will continue to have a number of other Ranma elements. On the other hand, there's a number of other ideas that'll go into the story. Just be patient. Please send any and all e-mail to . I appreciate your help. -Alan (October 14, 1999) Elfquest site: Anime writings: "Elfquest" and everything related to it are copyright 1978-99 Warp Graphics. Feel free to distribute this fanfic, but don't remove my name from it.