--Alan -- This one was _way_ too long in the making... ################################################### ElfQuiz: Death (The First Movie) Installment 5: The Human Element A parody By Alan ################################################### *** Scene 6: The Human Element *** [EXT. The desert. Ember is riding atop a zwoot, while Cutter and Leetah lead the animal on. The two adults are wearing weary, pained expressions.] CUTTER Remind me again how we got into this situation. LEETAH Is there really a need? CUTTER Yes, there is. LEETAH You're assuming someone in the audience will want to know. CUTTER Yes, I am. EMBER Tell them the story, daddy! CUTTER ... EMBER Please please please? LEETAH Please do. I'm sure that she--and everyone--will enjoy. CUTTER Very well... I give up... *** [EXT. Sorrow's End, several days earlier. The wavy lines at the edge of the screen show that it is a flashback. Strongbow and several other elves are watching over a group of humans.] STRONGBOW *You humans make me sick.* HUMANS Aiiiieee! STRONGBOW *You disgusting, despicable little creatures.* HUMANS Nnnnnnooooooo... STRONGBOW *You will all be destroyed!* ONE-EYE Ummm... Strongbow? STRONGBOW *What?* HUMANS Eeeeeeeeegaaaa! ONE-EYE They can't hear you. STRONGBOW *Oh.* HUMANS Heeeeelllllllppp... *** [EXT. Sorrow's End, a day later. It's still the flashback. Cutter has called the Wolfriders and friends together for a meeting.] CUTTER It's decided! SKYWISE Is it? CUTTER Yes. I shall go on a journey. SKYWISE It seems you will go on a journey. CUTTER Thank you so very much... MINYAH, A RANDOM SUN FOLK It sounds exciting. CUTTER I'm sure it will be. TREESTUMP Seriously, lad... You will have a difficult road ahead of you. You should choose strong and noble companions. CUTTER But there aren't... TREESTUMP Yes, it's true. There are few people in Sorrow's End worthy of the Wolfrider School of Very Special Combat. Yet I am sure some are not so below you that-- CUTTER Be quiet, old man. [Treestump quickly turns himself into a human.] CUTTER Thank you. [beat] I shall go on my quest alone, unless any dare to follow me. EMBER I'm going I'm going I'm going!! CUTTER Oh... no. EMBER I love my daddy. CUTTER I noticed! [Cutter shakes Ember off his leg.] LEETAH Perhaps my presence would be helpful. CUTTER You're better than me in dealing with the little fungus. Please, feel free to come along. LEETAH Thank you. Now, Ember... will you behave? EMBER Of course, Mama Leetah! CUTTER This could be... *** [Back in the present.] CUTTER ...a very long journey, I said. And you know what? It's true. EMBER Are we there yet? CUTTER _No_. EMBER Mama Leetah, when will we be there? LEETAH When the Oil of Power is mixed with the Clay of Incendiary Night. EMBER What does that mean? LEETAH Nothing, really. I was trying to say, however... that it could be a long time. CUTTER Indeed. A very long time. LEETAH Well... there is another way. CUTTER Really? LEETAH Really. CUTTER Will you tell me? LEETAH I will tell you. CUTTER Then please do! LEETAH Travel is always fast if... and only if... you travel by montage. CUTTER Montage... I hadn't thought of that. EMBER What's a montage? CUTTER You're about to find out. *** [MONTAGE of the trio reaching the edge of the desert, going through the empty troll cave, and finding the old holt to be little more than a field of burnt stumps.] EMBER You're right, daddy! That was fast. CUTTER Please... be quiet. [All three are silent for a moment.] LEETAH Cutter... CUTTER Leetah? LEETAH There's a huge spider on your leg! CUTTER Aaaaahhhh! Get it off get it off! [He rolls around in the mud, trying to get the spider off.] LEETAH I think you-- oh, dear. [Her sentence was interrupted by a large splash of mud hitting her in the face.] EMBER Ha ha! Mommy and daddy, you look really funny. CUTTER [from the mud] You think this is funny?! EMBER Well, it's a matter of perspective. LEETAH My face! My beautiful, beautiful face! CUTTER Oh, please. LEETAH Don't patronize me, Cutter. CUTTER You know, a lot of women use mud to make themselves more beautiful. LEETAH Not _this_ type of mud! CUTTER You look fine, Leetah. Let's go. LEETAH Very well. But this is all your fault. CUTTER Very well. But you're still watching over Ember. EMBER Let's keep going! *** [Meanwhile, back in Sorrow's End, Skywise is receiving a lecture from Savah. He kneels before her chair as she gives him orders.] SAVAH You have put one toe too many over the line, Skywise. For this, I must find a place where you will be useful. SKYWISE (Uh-oh...) SAVAH I have detected the presence of other elven minds far away from here. Though Cutter chose to go on his own to investigate them, I will send you in the same direction. However, you shall have a different mission, little troublemaker. SKYWISE (She's calling me funny names again.) SAVAH You will go to the elves, bearing-- Just a second. Shenshen! Are you out there? SHENSHEN I certainly am! SAVAH That's... good. Come on in. [Shenshen, who is still Ember's age, enters the room. She has a picnic basket in her hands. On seeing Skywise, she smiles beatifically.] SAVAH Go with our young mischief-maker... SKYWISE (Not again...) SAVAH ...and take the picnic basket to the elves as a gesture of friendship. SHENSHEN Don't worry about me. I will fulfill your request with all speed. SAVAH Do you have anything to say before you leave, Skywise? SKYWISE A _picnic basket_?! SAVAH Yes, it's a picnic basket. I see you are very observant. Now leave. SKYWISE But-- SAVAH My soaps are on. [Skywise groans. Without a word, Shenshen leads him out.] *** [A little later, in a forest... Nonna and Adar are sitting by a campfire. They are watching the trees for movements.] ADAR Nonna... NONNA Adar? ADAR Do you ever get the feeling we're being watched? NONNA Quite often. ADAR No. Besides that. NONNA Such as... right now? ADAR Such as right now. Oh, man... NONNA Well, we're not defenseless. If something is out there, we can fight it off. ADAR You're right. [They continue to watch and listen. Suddenly, a twig snaps.] ADAR That's it. I'm getting my spear. NONNA Good idea. I'll do the same. [The two humans arm themselves. The ground is definitely shaking now, and they can hear several voices shouting.] ADAR Nonna? NONNA Adar? ADAR Are we going to die? NONNA Well... probably not. Not for a while, I'd say. ADAR ... NONNA Here they come. Get ready. ADAR I'm always ready. [From out of the foliage, a frantic zwoot springs. Ember is still riding it, but her constant encouraging of the animal to run is driving the animal crazy. Cutter and Leetah, still dirty, follow at her side.] ADAR It's a giant mule-monster! NONNA No, silly, it's the bird spirits. ADAR Does that _thing_ look like a _bird_?! NONNA That's not important right now! [Ember yells for the zwoot to run right through.] ADAR Uh-oh. ADAR & NONNA Aaaaaggggghhh!! CUTTER & LEETAH Sorry! [The elves chase after Ember. Adar and Nonna are left in the dust.] ADAR You and your silly bird spirits. NONNA Don't diss the bird spirits! ADAR Oh... never mind. [Fade out.] -- To be continued in... Installment 6 (currently untitled) It'll be the new year before I can get to the next installment. Sorry. Please send any and all e-mail to . I appreciate your help. -Alan (December 8, 1999) Elfquest site: eq_addiction.tripod.com Anime writings: fanficoutlet.tripod.com "Elfquest" and everything related to it are copyright 1978-99 Warp Graphics. Feel free to distribute this fanfic, but don't remove my name from it.