--Alan -- A month of delays later... ################################################### ElfQuiz: Death (The First Movie) Installment 6: Way to the Top A parody By Alan ################################################### *** Scene 7: Way to the Top *** [EXT. a distant view of Blue Mountain. The viewer can also see the Forbidden Grove, stretching out for miles. Pan back to a rocky cliff, where Cutter and Leetah are admiring the view.] CUTTER ...And we shall never know hunger again! LEETAH Oh, Cutter! [Pause.] CUTTER Um... let me start again. [He coughs sharply.] CUTTER Somewhere in the terrain before us... the elves await! [Ember walks up toward them.] EMBER That's nice. Can we get on with it? CUTTER I suppose... Mind you, we will have to descend the Cliffs of Despair. LEETAH Cliffs of Despair? CUTTER [whispered to Leetah] I'm on a roll here. Just wait a second. CUTTER Of course, no mortal has survived the Cliffs of Despair. LEETAH Of course. Ha ha. EMBER Should I be impressed? CUTTER Oh, forget it. Let's give this a try. [They approach the edge of the ledge. Fade out.] *** [EXT. somewhere in Sorrow's End. Skywise and Shenshen are surrounded by a crowd of friends and tribemates. All of them are busy giving advice.] MOONSHADE Oh, dear. We really must work on your outfits-- ONE-EYE Go forth with speed. You must be strong-- MINYAH, A RANDOM SUN FOLK I've got a lot of produce. Care for some carrots? How about alfalfa? DART I know you'll win! Catch them all! WOODLOCK The power resides in your family. Always be true-- CLEARBROOK If you go by the old holt, could you look for my old wristband? DEWSHINE Show spunk! STRONGBOW ... ADJA, ANOTHER RANDOM SUN FOLK Don't carry too much. That's bad. RAINSONG A new legend is about to be born! SCOUTER Stick together. If you hear a twig snap, don't move! TREESTUMP Ah... I remember my first journey... the cruelty of my old master... SKYWISE & SHENSHEN (sigh...) *** [EXT. the Preservers' forest. The trio is scanning the area for any signs of life.] CUTTER Oh, look. There's a web sculpture in the shape of a Wolfrider. LEETAH Funny... How can you tell? CUTTER The person was standing up, holding a short sword, and screaming. It seemed like a good guess to me. LEETAH You may be right. Well, Cutter, what shall we do with it? EMBER Hit statue. CUTTER You can't do that. EMBER Open statue. CUTTER Command not understood. EMBER Use torch on statue. CUTTER You don't have a torch. EMBER Darn! LEETAH In any case, we might be wise to leave it alone. It's rather odd to have statues just standing around a forest... CUTTER I agree. Let's go. [The camera slowly pans back. We see that they are rapidly approaching Blue Mountain.] *** [EXT. the cliff overlooking Sorrow's End.] WOLFRIDERS Goodbye! Goodbye! SKYWISE Farewell. Let's go, Shenshen. SHENSHEN How can we? This pack of supplies is wearing me down... [Skywise takes the massive bag from Shenshen. He holds it up. In an instant, he collapses.] SKYWISE So... heavy... SHENSHEN Maybe we should unload our supplies. SKYWISE What? And cause our journey to be more hazardous than it already is? That is foolishness! SHENSHEN Um... you're still lying on the ground. SKYWISE So it seems... [The two begin to sift through the bag, throwing out the hair dryers, the scuba apparatus, and so on.] *** [EXT. the rocky, barren exterior of Blue Mountain. Cutter, Leetah, and Ember hike toward the summit.] LEETAH I hate to ask such a question, but... why do you think there are elves up here? CUTTER Do you even need to ask? It's one of those feelings... the sort of thing that possesses the soul... infiltrates the mind... LEETAH In other words, a guess. CUTTER Precisely. EMBER Why am I the only sane individual here? CUTTER Sane? You think you're sane? EMBER Let's analyze the situation here. You are a Wolfrider chief, trying to go on a difficult journey for no clear reason. Your true objective is to find a good place to date with your dear Leetah. Even though you love her in your heart, on the outside you are stubborn and reticent-- CUTTER That will do, thank you. EMBER Shall I present my thoughts about Mother? LEETAH No. We have trouble. CUTTER Trouble? Let them try my fist! LEETAH That won't help much, Cutter. CUTTER Oh. LEETAH Look above us--the vultures are circling. EMBER Those aren't vultures. CUTTER If they were vultures, they'd be hopelessly lost. LEETAH I was speaking metaphorically. CUTTER Sorry, Leetah... LEETAH Apology accepted. However, this might be a good time to RUN! EMBER They're heading right for us! [The Glider hunter swoops down. All three elves scatter.] CUTTER That was close... GLIDER I know you're down there. Show yourselves! CUTTER Never! You hear me, NEVER! GLIDER Ha ha. Got you now. CUTTER Uh-oh... [He dashes behind a pine tree. The Glider's second dive also misses.] GLIDER I may have missed you, but I can still get your family! LEETAH No! EMBER No! Daddy! CUTTER (Uh-oh. He's using a standard villain maneuver. I'd better find a clever way out of this.) [As Ember and Leetah dash about behind him, Cutter runs out into a clearing. He spreads his arms wide.] CUTTER Why don't you pick on somebody your own gender? [The Glider, clearly irritated by this, dives down. Cutter is caught, and gets ensnared in the bird's talons.] LEETAH Oh no! Cutter! EMBER I can't bear to watch... GLIDER I have you now. The only thing that matters is power. CUTTER Before you kill me... there's one thing I want to know. GLIDER What might that be? LEETAH What sort of deal is he striking? EMBER I... I'm so worried! CUTTER The one thing is... will you go out with me? [The Glider's jaw drops. She is revealed to be AROREE, the infamous side-changing Glider.] AROREE I... I never... CUTTER Say you will! I need at least one date before I die! LEETAH Well--I--don't think--you'll live a whole lot longer then! [Leetah dashes to the giant bird, and drop-kicks Cutter right out of the claws. She then stands her ground, looking quite furious.] AROREE Oh, dear. This isn't good. LEETAH You're darn right. Nobody else goes out with Cutter! ...That is, not that I like him or anything... EMBER Daddy's in trouble now! AROREE (I must report this to Winnowill...) *** [INT. Blue Mountain. TYLDAK and WINNOWILL are standing only a short distance from VOLL, who is on his throne.] TYLDAK Shall I tell him the prisoners have... almost... arrived? WINNOWILL Yes. It seems we have guests. [Tyldak goes to do his duty, like all loyal servants of Winnowill do. The anti-healer, however, stands in the shadows, contemplating her evil scheme.] WINNOWILL They are in our clutches now. This is... excellent. [She turns toward EGG, who is conveniently stationed in an adjacent room.] WINNOWILL Egg... tell me... do you have the "laser"? [Egg solemnly nods.] WINNOWILL Now all I have to do is wait. Ha ha hah ha ha hah ha ha!! [Fade to black as her laugh continues.] -- To be continued in... Installment 7 (currently untitled) Please send any and all e-mail to . I appreciate your help. -Alan (January 16, 2000) Elfquest site: eq_addiction.tripod.com Nega-Hell: fanficoutlet.tripod.com/negahell Anime humor--in the works: members.xoom.com/ChrOtaku "Elfquest" and everything related to it are copyright 1978-2000 Warp Graphics. Feel free to distribute this fanfic, but don't remove my name from it.