The ElfQuiz Parody: The Revisionist History: Take-a-Look 1: Perspire and Blight

Chapter Four: A Most Interesting Rivalry
"A challenge WHAT?" Skywise and Cutter said together, staring both at the curiously shaped wand and the curiously smug Savah.

The Mother of Memory could not help but laugh at them, for both elves had gone nearly insane just the previous day. She told them yet again, "It's called a challenge wand, and it indicates that both of you are intently interested in one specific object."

Skywise didn't quite get it. "But what could 'one specific object' be?" he wondered, trying to sort through the many, random priorities in his life.

"Enter, Leetah!" Savah called to the healer, who was waiting just outside the cultural hut's inner chamber. Once the not-so-little princess walked in, the Memory Mom told her visitors, "I think I know the problem here. One of you, Skywise or Cutter, has Recognized her, and the other only claims to have done such. Now, as soon, as Leetah is ready, she will divulge just who is the true lifemate-to-be." Having blown away the two Wolfriders with her pronouncement, she sat back and waited for the healer's reaction - this would be good!

It need not be stated that Leetah was angry, for she was flabbergasted. The only thought that consoled her was At least I have it better than Akane. She growled - most uncharacteristically - to display her full wrath, and demanded of Savah, "What type of sick joke is this? I didn't Recognize anyone - in fact, I'd rather lifemate with one of their wolves!" Her hands... no, her entire arms, shook in indignation.

To himself, Cutter muttered, "That can be arranged." Fortunately, Skywise chose to keep the silence.

Savah remained unrelenting, and one could have sworn a thunderstorm was gathering over her chair as she told the healer, "Decide! Or if not, powers currently unknown to you will sweep out from the depths of the earth, gather about your hut, and slay you in your sleep." The Sun Folk elder knew that her words were preposterous, but the point usually carried over well.

Setting her face in a grimace, Leetah huffed, "I can not make such a decision at this time."

"Oh, well then," the Mother of Memory continued, her voice suddenly transforming into an uncannily pleasant instrument - as opposed to the deep bass she had just used - and she told the trio, "The contest is on. Cutter and Skywise, you two must determine who will be her lifemate through a series of intricate trials, each one more devious than the previous. Once we process the legal forms, you'll be given the details on what the contest requires. Until then, do you or do you not consent to participate? ...And no objections!" she added a moment later, realizing just how steamed Leetah had become.

Both males said simultaneously, "I suppose I do."

Savah flashed one of her unnerving smiles as the Wolfriders fled the room, and as Leetah scrambled in the opposite direction. Only she knew the terrible truth - she had appeased Rayek's wrath by letting him secretly control the entire contest.

***
The next morning climbed its way over the looming mountains that surrounded Sorrow's End, proving to the residents that even the sun had a hard time getting up in the morning. By the time Cutter and Skywise arrived at the contest site, both were rather drained from the stress of reading the book of rules. They stood in an open square surrounded by cheap little refreshment stands and the gaudy winner's platform, but both were dog (or should that be wolf?) tired from working through the massive compendium of previous winners, legal restrictions, insurance forms, and self-congratulation from Rayek. Oh, it should have been obvious that the whole thing was the rogue hunter's doing, but neither participant felt good enough to even care at this point. Nevertheless, they were up to kicking some serious tush.

Sun-Toucher, whose outfit had been decorated for the occasion by Pike's "Kick Me" sign, faced the contestants - to the best of his ability - and announced, "The contest for the lifematehood and eternal devotion of Leetah the healer will now begin! In one corner... well, standing to the right... is Cutter, who, according to a leading authority, has been bleeding ten chiefs! And over to the left is Skywise, who is quoted with saying that he claims to be wise about the sky! Contestants, the first event starts NOW! [Of course, that means nothing to a Sun Folk.] It's the village-famous Trial of Hand, an unarmed arm wrestling contest! I'm almost all out of exclamation points, so get ready - get set - SLOW."

The Wolfrider chief and his friend/rival nearly went into starting position before they realized Sun-Toucher's demented joke. Both elves relaxed again and waited for him to say "go." After a few more abysmal puns, he did, and they went at it. After the struggle - which of course I will not cover because it's icky - the winner turned out to be Cutter. He tried to be humble in his victory, but that just didn't fit his character. The chief stood up, and though his palms were glowing red, he did some squats and chanted "Hoooh! Hoooh!" for quite a while.

"Anyway... what's the next contest?" Skywise asked, with more than a little spite on his tongue. His hands were also bruised and beaten, but he wanted to go through with this thing - just in case.

That was a simple question, and thus Sun-Toucher could provide a simple answer. He told them in his slightly-enhanced-monotone voice, "It's the Trial of Head. I give you a riddle, and you answer it. Whoever gets it first wins."

Both Wolfriders numbly nodded in agreement. Two Sun Folk suddenly rushed off towards an ordinary-looking hut, and rushed back out with two metallic contraptions. Not only were these objects odd sights, but just watching a Sun Villager move beyond a treewee's pace was utterly shocking. After the quick ones set down these things before Cutter and Skywise, Sun-Toucher noted, "These things are called chairs. You sit down on them." Gathering up what remained of their egos, the soul brothers sat down in the most macho ways they could possibly devise. Now that both contestants were ready, the vision-impaired one posed the riddle, "What happened to the red-haired member of your tribe?" he asked, sounding more ominous than ever, in spite of the horrendously bland onslaught of words that he tended to use.

The contestants were stumped, and they showed it. Cutter scratched his head over by his chief's lock, and Skywise fiddled with his metal headpiece, and by the time several minutes of silence passed, both had almost managed to undo their respective items. Tired of not talking about it, Sun-Toucher barged in with, "BUZZ! That sound means time is up, and it looks like we'll need a substitute riddle." He put his head in his hand, and started trying to think about a less offensive one.

"Yeah rah ayoooooah!" screamed Clearbrook from the stands. She was trying to cheer them on, but it sounded like she'd been inhaling something really funny.

"Now I've got one," Sun-Toucher stated, and facing the contestants again, he continued, "If you're ready... The question is: if ten dreamberries equal a barrel, then what are the dimensions of a barrel that holds thirteen dreamberries? Give your answer in Elf-Widths over turns squared."

Mere seconds later, Skywise raised his hand and answered, "Four eights E.W. divided by negative one turn squared." He watched the blind judge, hoping that Sun-Toucher would give him some sign of success.

After a moment of consideration, the Sun Folk mystic replied, "Not entirely correct. Does the other contestant have an answer?" Though his statement was like a blow to the head, he did not even bother to turn toward Skywise.

Cutter raised his hand and said, "Two eights E.W. over three turns squared by the cotangent."

"Entirely correct," was Sun-Toucher's anticlimactic response. Laughing quietly, he told them, "Now you must make sure to prepare yourselves in a definite way, contestants. For though Cutter is ahead two to nothing, he could lose it all in the third and - perhaps literally - final event! You are about to begin the notorious Trial of Heart, which takes place on the wind-swept, terrifying, physics-defying Bridge of Density. Are you really ready for this one?" he asked, trying to nudge them in the gut, but missing badly.

Both said - separately - "About as ready as I'm ever gonna be."

The Sun Folk elder shouted, "Let's go then!" He began to walk in the wrong direction. Luckily, a fellow villager named Zhantee stopped Sun-Toucher in his tracks with but a single touch.

Seeing just what had happened, Savah walked over and told her easily angered cohort, "I think I'll take charge of this one. You just stand there with... with whoever that is."

***
Meanwhile, Rayek stood amidst the slew of Sun Folk, and though the crowd included Shenshen - and though she was dangerously near - he was content. Everything was going along with his plan. From the news delivered to him courtesy the Wolfrider grapevine, the winner of the final contest could be a bit of an upset. "Come along, Shenshen," he said with a confident hiss, "Let us see if you were right."

***
The sun at noon cast no illusions upon the Bridge of Density. It was as thin as a vine, strong as a blade of grass, and threatened to snap in the mild breeze. A few Sun Folk had gathered beneath the bridge just in case someone fell, but the chance of anyone being caught was depressingly small. Facing this obstacle, Rayek's favorite contender gulped and said, "You first, Cutter." And so Skywise stepped aside.

Cutter, the Wolfrider, the Blood of Ten Chiefs, felt very philosophical now. He proclaimed, "I may be afraid of heights, but falling is another matter entirely. Wish me luck, Leetah." Boldly, he took his first step. Nothing happened. Cutter moved on to step number two. Still, the Bridge remained eerily still. He picked up the pace - still no reaction. The chief grabbed the heart-shaped jewel that had been affixed to the other mountain's side, and actually ran back. Despite this, the Bridge held perfectly. Cutter had won - and perfectly.

"Oh, darn," said Skywise audibly, shrugging, "I'll just stay a womanizer." All the other Wolfriders celebrated - and only because of this was Cutter seriously harmed.

Rayek tapped his foot. He took Shenshen by the hand and screamed above the clamor, "I just thought you should know now that I, Rayek, rigged this whole thing! Leetah will NEVER lifemate with you, foolish Wolfrider! See you later, hasta la vista, wouldn't come back for nothin'! Come along, Shenshen," he said, reducing his voice to a whisper as they walked into the northern desert.

One of the few who had heard Rayek's ranting was Nightfall. She commented, "Was that meant to humiliate us? I'm not scared in the least." Unfortunately, the hunter was too long gone for her statement to have any relevance.

As for Leetah, though, she was in no mood to speak to anyone else. When Cutter came to her just minutes later and reminded her of their lifemating deal, she blew him off with, "Do like Rayek and go Recognize some mindless female. I don't want to hear any more about it." Slowly, she walked down the mountain and back home, her pride trailing behind.


Please continue on to Chapter Five: The Wolfrider Culture at Its Finest!

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