The ElfQuiz Parody: The Revisionist History: Take-a-Look 1: Perspire and Blight Chapter 3: Stepping in and Messing Everything Up -- Clearbrook was an addict. If there was something for her to get hooked on, she would find it. It could be food in general, dreamberries, the even-more-addictive moonpetal flowers, or just about anything else. She stood there, her head spinning like an off-balance top, and tried to drain a "cactus" (but since this was actually a swamp, she got a dead frog instead) of its water. Gulping down the vulgar substance, she sighed deeply and said, "Oh, my, my, am I ever high..." Sitting beside his mother, Scouter could do little but hang his head in agony. Why his family had to humiliate him at every turn of the trail, he did not know. It had all begun many turns back, before his birth. Several events which he had no control over now haunted him with every passing hour. Feeling sick of it all, he kicked the ground, but only succeeded in unearthing a cockroach. Meanwhile, One-Eye was in his usual mood: awful. He tended to mumble... a lot. Few elves ever paid any attention to him. Since he was quoted with saying, "Another day, another dumb human," "I never liked this in the first place," and even "My life is falling apart even as I speak," he was unanimously hated by others. To be direct and honest, the malfunctional family probably would have just stayed there. But then a familiar green-clad Wolfrider started to descend from the cliffs. She called out to them, "You can't just stay here ALONE FOREVER!" "Just watch us, why don't you," grumbled One-Eye, but he was wisely ignored. Scouter sprang to his feet, glad to be relieved of taking care of his relatives. "Where to? Where to??" the youth exclaimed, jumping and twirling a full 360. The one comment that came from the mouth of Clearbrook was, "Huh?!" It was only excusable because she was currently high on water (or maybe the frog). Hardly even blinking, Nightfall continued, "Like I just found out, this place is called Sorrow's End, whatever that means. It's inhabited by a bunch of weird pacifist elves, but I guess it's better than walkin' through this on our nameless wolves. So c'mon, you deadbeats." Though Scouter was already on his way up, it took more than a little time before his deranged parents struggled to their feet. One of them could not refrain from editorializing ("Tomorrow's end... it comes too dang soon, you know."), but in due time Nightfall dragged them into the realm of the Sun Folk. *** Around the same time, Sun-Toucher was stumbling around as he "examined" the Wolfriders. The vision-impaired elf struck them as a poor chief, or even leader-figure, for he needed Rayek's help just to be steered around. He would pat each elf's head (or somewhere in the vicinity), and say something silly like, "Um, uh, this one's female - oops, sorry, I meant male. And your name is... Mike. What? You say Pike? Oops again, not my fault." His routine went on for over an hour, and by the time he was finished, all the Wolfriders who had been present had major knee pains. As the Sun Folk's leader concluded his little ritual, Scouter lead the pack of missing ones. The first remark he made upon seeing the village was, "What's up with that central hut? There's some kind of weird symbols on it... it looks like a bunch of--naked elves." "It's cultural," retorted Rayek, "And it's not my fault." Needless to say, or send, he was still bitter about what he now called the "Shenshen incident." He was keeping a very good watch for that infamous female. Nightfall, slightly taken aback, stated, "I don't suppose I missed much while I was gone," examining the crowd of exhausted, aching, sunburnt Wolfriders. "To be brutally honest, no," declared Dewshine, her pride shining like a lighthouse. She boldly went up to Scouter and all-too-conspicuously asked, "I would have to wonder, however, what could be in this 'cultural' hut? It must be something interesting..." As Scouter's father grumbled and swore to himself about his cub's poor choice in a lovemate, Sun-Toucher finally caught up to what was happening there. The Sun Folk elder pompously replied to the touristy question, "Ah, the grand central hut! Yes, yes, that is the home and permanent residence of the Mother of Memory, Savah the great." He stood facing the wrong direction, but at least his arms were down just in case one of them would have had a camera along with them. Rayek would normally have tolerated this kind of fluff-talk, but he saw a certain someone coming his way at near-lightspeed, and so he evacuated the area without a word. The dust clouds he left behind only obscured Shenshen's vision for a moment, and she was hot on the trail again. One Wolfrider was not terribly amused with all this strangeness. Skywise said, surprisingly practical all of a sudden, "If we wanted to see this Mom of Memory, this Savah, I'm sure that she could just as easily come here to meet us." Cutter interjected a little reminder to help his soul bro': "We've come this far... best to play along with them, you know. Not a whole lot of that desert's real good for a holt." The chief neglected to look at the ground then, for along came a massive lizard, right across his feet. *** Back by the old holt, though, things were almost even stranger. Foxfur had agreed to bring two of her "unexpected friends" out for her guests to meet. She told the two males, "This is Dobil the 'Go-Back.'" The silly-looking elf waved feebly to Redlance and Rain. Foxfur forcefully continued, "He claims to be from an obscure tribe of elves in a frozen wasteland, or something like that. Between the three of us, I think he's an idiot. However," she mentioned, and though Dobil was still waving his right hand, Foxfur scooted a young female elf who was clad in a blue tunic, and stated, "And this is Stormbringer, or 'Stormie,' as she likes to call herself. She is the product of the time when the 'Dark Days' started to really kick in - six turns ago, I think - but it's best not to talk about that now. What's going on with you two?" "I'm the only 'possible' character around here, I guess," nervously mentioned Redlance, whose life was getting much more complicated by the second, "But I see no reason to just bum around here. Why can't we go looking for the other Wolfriders?" Rain began, "Well, that's part of the whole secrecy deal--" but Foxfur stopped him with a kick in the pants. She instead said, "We, the 'formerly dead,' have our own culture around here. I think you will enjoy it here if you stay, and join the rebel Wolfriders," she noted with a wicked smile. The red-haired Wolfrider groaned. He had no choice in this. And so all five went inside Foxfur's oddly shaped hut. Things could only get more normal from this point forth... *** But as the Wolfriders entered the courts of Savah's chamber, the Mother of Memory happened to be sending privately with Rayek. She demanded of him, **What do you MEAN, cancel the Flood and Flower Festival again?! There has to be a good reason for your little orders this time, Rayek!" she sent to the elf who was but a few Elf-Widths away. Rayek refused to negotiate. He sent in reply, **Maybe I don't like your stupid festivals. The Wolfriders will like them far less, and one can only guess how they might profane them. So take this as an advance warning, Savah!** Though she was about to fire back at him, and share her true thoughts, she was rather rudely interrupted by Rayek sending suddenly, **Aaah! Save me from HER!** He was referring, of course, to his frightening lifemate-to-be, who had finally caught him. Savah quietly laughed at the hunter's failure, but then she noticed a crowd of strange elves marching up toward her. "Sorry to keep you waiting," she said lightly, "And what do we have here?" What sort of question was that? Cutter, unnerved, answered to the best of his ability: "Well, we're in the World of Two Moons, in some place called Sorrow's Block... no, End; it's the middle of the day, and we're the Wolfriders. Anything else you want to know?" he asked, not really expecting a reply. "Yeah," Savah said in a stilted voice, "When was the last time you elves washed?" Moonshade was quick on the draw this time. "Three moons, four days, five hours, six minutes, and - just now - seven seconds. To be exact, naturally," she said coquettishly. The Mother of Memory snorted. "Get out of my presence until you smell at least a little less like zwoot dung! Now! I mean it! Off the carpet!" she declared, and literally threw Pike out of the room, for he was not sober enough to move. The Wolfriders then wisely took her advice, and headed off to the local pool. *** Rayek, at last, was alone. What was a much-abused Sun Folk hunter to do? Shenshen had chased him all around and through the village, Savah was blowing him off, Leetah was about as apathetic as always, and even Zhantee had something more important to do. Realizing the sheer irony of his situation (after all, he was the best), Rayek concluded that the one thing he must do was set a trap for all the others - and publically humiliate them! But how would he go about doing this? His so-called lifemate would be the hardest, so he chose to save her for last. He perched on top of the mountain on the "safe" side of the Bridge of Density to think, and remained there until the darkness finally settled in, and he had decided. The next day, while the Wolfriders were getting settled in their new cave homes, Rayek happened to drop by a cave where Cutter and Skywise were bantering. You shall play my game tonight, he told himself, and silently placed a metal needle into Skywise's left hand. The Sun Folk slithered out, barely not laughing, as the Wolfrider dropped the object at Cutter's feet... -- Chapter Four: A Most Interesting Rivalry -- "A challenge WHAT?" Skywise and Cutter said together, staring both at the curiously shaped wand and the curiously smug Savah. The Mother of Memory could not help but laugh at them, for both elves had gone nearly insane just the previous day. She told them yet again, "It's called a challenge wand, and it indicates that both of you are intently interested in one specific object." Skywise didn't quite get it. "But what could 'one specific object' be?" he wondered, trying to sort through the many, random priorities in his life. "Enter, Leetah!" Savah called to the healer, who was waiting just outside the cultural hut's inner chamber. Once the not-so-little princess walked in, the Memory Mom told her visitors, "I think I know the problem here. One of you, Skywise or Cutter, has Recognized her, and the other only claims to have done such. Now, as soon, as Leetah is ready, she will divulge just who is the true lifemate-to-be." Having blown away the two Wolfriders with her pronouncement, she sat back and waited for the healer's reaction - this would be good! It need not be stated that Leetah was angry, for she was flabbergasted. The only thought that consoled her was At least I have it better than Akane. She growled - most uncharacteristically - to display her full wrath, and demanded of Savah, "What type of sick joke is this? I didn't Recognize anyone - in fact, I'd rather lifemate with one of their wolves!" Her hands... no, her entire arms, shook in indignation. To himself, Cutter muttered, "That can be arranged." Fortunately, Skywise chose to keep the silence. Savah remained unrelenting, and one could have sworn a thunderstorm was gathering over her chair as she told the healer, "Decide! Or if not, powers currently unknown to you will sweep out from the depths of the earth, gather about your hut, and slay you in your sleep." The Sun Folk elder knew that her words were preposterous, but the point usually carried over well. Setting her face in a grimace, Leetah huffed, "I can not make such a decision at this time." "Oh, well then," the Mother of Memory continued, her voice suddenly transforming into an uncannily pleasant instrument - as opposed to the deep bass she had just used - and she told the trio, "The contest is on. Cutter and Skywise, you two must determine who will be her lifemate through a series of intricate trials, each one more devious than the previous. Once we process the legal forms, you'll be given the details on what the contest requires. Until then, do you or do you not consent to participate? ...And no objections!" she added a moment later, realizing just how steamed Leetah had become. Both males said simultaneously, "I suppose I do." Savah flashed one of her unnerving smiles as the Wolfriders fled the room, and as Leetah scrambled in the opposite direction. Only she knew the terrible truth - she had appeased Rayek's wrath by letting him secretly control the entire contest. *** The next morning climbed its way over the looming mountains that surrounded Sorrow's End, proving to the residents that even the sun had a hard time getting up in the morning. By the time Cutter and Skywise arrived at the contest site, both were rather drained from the stress of reading the book of rules. They stood in an open square surrounded by cheap little refreshment stands and the gaudy winner's platform, but both were dog (or should that be wolf?) tired from working through the massive compendium of previous winners, legal restrictions, insurance forms, and self-congratulation from Rayek. Oh, it should have been obvious that the whole thing was the rogue hunter's doing, but neither participant felt good enough to even care at this point. Nevertheless, they were up to kicking some serious tush. Sun-Toucher, whose outfit had been decorated for the occasion by Pike's "Kick Me" sign, faced the contestants - to the best of his ability - and announced, "The contest for the lifematehood and eternal devotion of Leetah the healer will now begin! In one corner... well, standing to the right... is Cutter, who, according to a leading authority, has been bleeding ten chiefs! And over to the left is Skywise, who is quoted with saying that he claims to be wise about the sky! Contestants, the first event starts NOW! [Of course, that means nothing to a Sun Folk.] It's the village-famous Trial of Hand, an unarmed arm wrestling contest! I'm almost all out of exclamation points, so get ready - get set - SLOW." The Wolfrider chief and his friend/rival nearly went into starting position before they realized Sun-Toucher's demented joke. Both elves relaxed again and waited for him to say "go." After a few more abysmal puns, he did, and they went at it. After the struggle - which of course I will not cover because it's icky - the winner turned out to be Cutter. He tried to be humble in his victory, but that just didn't fit his character. The chief stood up, and though his palms were glowing red, he did some squats and chanted "Hoooh! Hoooh!" for quite a while. "Anyway... what's the next contest?" Skywise asked, with more than a little spite on his tongue. His hands were also bruised and beaten, but he wanted to go through with this thing - just in case. That was a simple question, and thus Sun-Toucher could provide a simple answer. He told them in his slightly-enhanced-monotone voice, "It's the Trial of Head. I give you a riddle, and you answer it. Whoever gets it first wins." Both Wolfriders numbly nodded in agreement. Two Sun Folk suddenly rushed off towards an ordinary-looking hut, and rushed back out with two metallic contraptions. Not only were these objects odd sights, but just watching a Sun Villager move beyond a treewee's pace was utterly shocking. After the quick ones set down these things before Cutter and Skywise, Sun-Toucher noted, "These things are called chairs. You sit down on them." Gathering up what remained of their egos, the soul brothers sat down in the most macho ways they could possibly devise. Now that both contestants were ready, the vision-impaired one posed the riddle, "What happened to the red-haired member of your tribe?" he asked, sounding more ominous than ever, in spite of the horrendously bland onslaught of words that he tended to use. The contestants were stumped, and they showed it. Cutter scratched his head over by his chief's lock, and Skywise fiddled with his metal headpiece, and by the time several minutes of silence passed, both had almost managed to undo their respective items. Tired of not talking about it, Sun-Toucher barged in with, "BUZZ! That sound means time is up, and it looks like we'll need a substitute riddle." He put his head in his hand, and started trying to think about a less offensive one. "Yeah rah ayoooooah!" screamed Clearbrook from the stands. She was trying to cheer them on, but it sounded like she'd been inhaling something really funny. "Now I've got one," Sun-Toucher stated, and facing the contestants again, he continued, "If you're ready... The question is: if ten dreamberries equal a barrel, then what are the dimensions of a barrel that holds thirteen dreamberries? Give your answer in Elf-Widths over turns squared." Mere seconds later, Skywise raised his hand and answered, "Four eights E.W. divided by negative one turn squared." He watched the blind judge, hoping that Sun-Toucher would give him some sign of success. After a moment of consideration, the Sun Folk mystic replied, "Not entirely correct. Does the other contestant have an answer?" Though his statement was like a blow to the head, he did not even bother to turn toward Skywise. Cutter raised his hand and said, "Two eights E.W. over three turns squared by the cotangent." "Entirely correct," was Sun-Toucher's anticlimactic response. Laughing quietly, he told them, "Now you must make sure to prepare yourselves in a definite way, contestants. For though Cutter is ahead two to nothing, he could lose it all in the third and - perhaps literally - final event! You are about to begin the notorious Trial of Heart, which takes place on the wind-swept, terrifying, physics-defying Bridge of Density. Are you really ready for this one?" he asked, trying to nudge them in the gut, but missing badly. Both said - separately - "About as ready as I'm ever gonna be." The Sun Folk elder shouted, "Let's go then!" He began to walk in the wrong direction. Luckily, a fellow villager named Zhantee stopped Sun-Toucher in his tracks with but a single touch. Seeing just what had happened, Savah walked over and told her easily angered cohort, "I think I'll take charge of this one. You just stand there with... with whoever that is." *** Meanwhile, Rayek stood amidst the slew of Sun Folk, and though the crowd included Shenshen - and though she was dangerously near - he was content. Everything was going along with his plan. From the news delivered to him courtesy the Wolfrider grapevine, the winner of the final contest could be a bit of an upset. "Come along, Shenshen," he said with a confident hiss, "Let us see if you were right." *** The sun at noon cast no illusions upon the Bridge of Density. It was as thin as a vine, strong as a blade of grass, and threatened to snap in the mild breeze. A few Sun Folk had gathered beneath the bridge just in case someone fell, but the chance of anyone being caught was depressingly small. Facing this obstacle, Rayek's favorite contender gulped and said, "You first, Cutter." And so Skywise stepped aside. Cutter, the Wolfrider, the Blood of Ten Chiefs, felt very philosophical now. He proclaimed, "I may be afraid of heights, but falling is another matter entirely. Wish me luck, Leetah." Boldly, he took his first step. Nothing happened. Cutter moved on to step number two. Still, the Bridge remained eerily still. He picked up the pace - still no reaction. The chief grabbed the heart-shaped jewel that had been affixed to the other mountain's side, and actually ran back. Despite this, the Bridge held perfectly. Cutter had won - and perfectly. "Oh, darn," said Skywise audibly, shrugging, "I'll just stay a womanizer." All the other Wolfriders celebrated - and only because of this was Cutter seriously harmed. Rayek tapped his foot. He took Shenshen by the hand and screamed above the clamor, "I just thought you should know now that I, Rayek, rigged this whole thing! Leetah will NEVER lifemate with you, foolish Wolfrider! See you later, hasta la vista, wouldn't come back for nothin'! Come along, Shenshen," he said, reducing his voice to a whisper as they walked into the northern desert. One of the few who had heard Rayek's ranting was Nightfall. She commented, "Was that meant to humiliate us? I'm not scared in the least." Unfortunately, the hunter was too long gone for her statement to have any relevance. As for Leetah, though, she was in no mood to speak to anyone else. When Cutter came to her just minutes later and reminded her of their lifemating deal, she blew him off with, "Do like Rayek and go Recognize some mindless female. I don't want to hear any more about it." Slowly, she walked down the mountain and back home, her pride trailing behind. -- -- %This reformatting was created, by Alan (John Alan Riggs), on February 7, 1999. All copyright disclaimers from the previous edition apply.% E-mail: Homepage: